Help please.....:(
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 38
Help please.....:(
Hello everyone,
I am new here and this is my first time ever writing for help and support. I am or was in along distance relationship with an alcoholic. We've been together or known each other for over 2 years. I've gone to visit him twice already and was planning to visit him again this summer. The first time I visited him was 3 months after we met on line. Before we met I knew he had trouble with alcohol. We would talk and he would be drunk and was an angry drunk. Would swear and call me names. I finally went to visit him 3 months after we met and I fell in love even more. But in that visit, he ended up trashing the hotel room I stayed in and he ended up in the hospital because of alcohol. I had to pay for all the damage and I stayed an extra week to take care of him. I don't know why I stayed and I don't know why I fell in love but I did. Fast forward to 2 years later, we've broken up and got back and he continued to drink and I stayed around and try to help him. He was in a sober living house from November until The end of March. He was doing well. He had a job and hadn't had a drink since he had moved in the sober living house. Then when he moved out in April and moved in with a female roommate. Since then he texted me less and less and called me even less but still told me he loves me and can't wait for me to come visit him. Until about a week ago when he called me drunk and he was arguing with his roommate. I knew he was hiding something and I knew he was with her because he stopped calling me from the appartement and only called me from outside. I called him on it and he denied anything was happening and he said it was all in my head and that he can't be bothered to deal with my insecurities. Until I told him that I heard him say things to her when he thought he had hung up. Anyways, I told him goodbye and that I'm not mad at him just hurt and I haven't heard from him for a week. I don't want to call him but I'm worried about him. He is alone and has no one. I don't care if he is with another girl but why couldn't he just be honest. Please help me understand this and I need help just to get through this. Please...
I am new here and this is my first time ever writing for help and support. I am or was in along distance relationship with an alcoholic. We've been together or known each other for over 2 years. I've gone to visit him twice already and was planning to visit him again this summer. The first time I visited him was 3 months after we met on line. Before we met I knew he had trouble with alcohol. We would talk and he would be drunk and was an angry drunk. Would swear and call me names. I finally went to visit him 3 months after we met and I fell in love even more. But in that visit, he ended up trashing the hotel room I stayed in and he ended up in the hospital because of alcohol. I had to pay for all the damage and I stayed an extra week to take care of him. I don't know why I stayed and I don't know why I fell in love but I did. Fast forward to 2 years later, we've broken up and got back and he continued to drink and I stayed around and try to help him. He was in a sober living house from November until The end of March. He was doing well. He had a job and hadn't had a drink since he had moved in the sober living house. Then when he moved out in April and moved in with a female roommate. Since then he texted me less and less and called me even less but still told me he loves me and can't wait for me to come visit him. Until about a week ago when he called me drunk and he was arguing with his roommate. I knew he was hiding something and I knew he was with her because he stopped calling me from the appartement and only called me from outside. I called him on it and he denied anything was happening and he said it was all in my head and that he can't be bothered to deal with my insecurities. Until I told him that I heard him say things to her when he thought he had hung up. Anyways, I told him goodbye and that I'm not mad at him just hurt and I haven't heard from him for a week. I don't want to call him but I'm worried about him. He is alone and has no one. I don't care if he is with another girl but why couldn't he just be honest. Please help me understand this and I need help just to get through this. Please...
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: S.E. Wisconsin
Posts: 341
It is very obvious that you care for him.
We know that you want to do all that
you possibly can to help him.
The fact is that he alone controls
his destiny. He alone must make
the decision to quit drinking and
remain sober.
For excellent support, contact
your local AA.
We know that you want to do all that
you possibly can to help him.
The fact is that he alone controls
his destiny. He alone must make
the decision to quit drinking and
remain sober.
For excellent support, contact
your local AA.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
I bet you would get a lot of great feedback on the Friends and Family forum.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Good luck!
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Good luck!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
He seems to be using you, toying with your affection. 
That doesn't sound like love to me, that sounds like manipulation.
I hope you can get some support to get over your feelings for this guy. Better to be alone than to be treated badly.
That doesn't sound like love to me, that sounds like manipulation. I hope you can get some support to get over your feelings for this guy. Better to be alone than to be treated badly.
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Sorry you are hurting. We are powerless over addiction, well over pretty much anything and anyone except ourselves. We can choose what is good, and detach from those that are not.
Sounds easy, it is, but only after you make your life about you, so that you can be whole and strong. In this way you can be more caring when it will be useful.
Recently I was told:
When someone is laying by the roadside injured, do I go get help, or do I lay down and bleed with them? If I do this, we are both lost.
Hugs
Sounds easy, it is, but only after you make your life about you, so that you can be whole and strong. In this way you can be more caring when it will be useful.
Recently I was told:
When someone is laying by the roadside injured, do I go get help, or do I lay down and bleed with them? If I do this, we are both lost.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 556
I would suggest you to attend Al-Anon. You didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it.
You didn't say how old you are, or if this a first relationship with an addict.
We tend to repeat relationships in life.
I know you are confused and hurt. A relationship with an addict is heartbreaking at best.
The pain will subside given time to heal. You will be much better off being proactive in your recovery by finding what it was that attracted you to this person when there were red flags before you met f2f, and avoid a similar trap in your future relationships.
You deserve nothing less than a healthy relationship with a whole person.
I wouldn't settle for less.
I wish you love, peace and happiness.
You didn't say how old you are, or if this a first relationship with an addict.
We tend to repeat relationships in life.
I know you are confused and hurt. A relationship with an addict is heartbreaking at best.
The pain will subside given time to heal. You will be much better off being proactive in your recovery by finding what it was that attracted you to this person when there were red flags before you met f2f, and avoid a similar trap in your future relationships.
You deserve nothing less than a healthy relationship with a whole person.
I wouldn't settle for less.
I wish you love, peace and happiness.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Bellajack - welcome 
You obviously have a big heart and I admire that you still want to help this guy after all the things he's done to you - and lets face it they were nasty.
The fact is Bella if he's carrying on with his roomate, he's not alone and he has someone.
True it's probably headed for a train smash but thats not your responsibility to fix.
Move on - be happy
D
You obviously have a big heart and I admire that you still want to help this guy after all the things he's done to you - and lets face it they were nasty.
The fact is Bella if he's carrying on with his roomate, he's not alone and he has someone.
True it's probably headed for a train smash but thats not your responsibility to fix.
Move on - be happy
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Ojai, CA
Posts: 137
Let me get this straight.....you met him online, have been in touch for 2 years but have only seen him him twice in that time...so the first 3 months over the phone he says ugly horrible things to you, and the first time you go to visit him he trashes your hotel room and lands in the hospital-drunk. I can certainly understand why you fell in love with him, he sounds charming. Seriously, the best thing you could do is find a good therapist and get yourself healthy, to understand why on earth this would be acceptable to you. Learn to love yourself, or you are in for so much more of this...so sad.
Guest
Join Date: May 2014
Location: South
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Bellajack4 
Thank you.... Any ideas how to make the pain go away? I wish I understood how he is thinking or what is the truth or the lie.
I'm not much for advice but if knowing you're not alone helps...
I understand. Very hurt, lonely, and sad too. Wondering what happened to my life. Hugs to you.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 38
Thanks for all your comments. I know it looks so straight forward to all of you and to me too at times. I'm 43 years old and i have been seperated from my husband for 3 years, my choice. This guy I met online was my first relationship with an alcoholic or any addiction for that matter. I'm having a hard time letting him go cause he needs help and I don't want him to feel like he is alone or have been abandoned. I know what that's like to feel alone and abandoned. I just really want him to be happy and healthy. But like you guys said I can't want it for him or do it for him. He has to want it for himself and do it for himself. I just wish I knew he would be okay, even tho he has hurt me. Plus I really do love him so it hurts not knowing how he is and the lies and the cheating.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
The thing is Bella, anytime he wants support, he can find it - he can join a forum like this, he can go to an AA meeting, he can visit his doctor, he can go to rehab.
It shouldn't be, and isn't, your responsibility to make him better.
That's his job.
You didn't abandon him - he treated you very poorly, he pushed you away and you left for your own good.
D
It shouldn't be, and isn't, your responsibility to make him better.
That's his job.
You didn't abandon him - he treated you very poorly, he pushed you away and you left for your own good.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Newcastle
Posts: 908
Originally Posted by Dee74
The thing is Bella, anytime he wants support, he can find it - he can join a forum like this, he can go to an AA meeting, he can visit his doctor, he can go to rehab. It shouldn't be, and isn't, your responsibility to make him better. That's his job. You didn't abandon him - he treated you very poorly, he pushed you away and you left for your own good. D
That analogy about lying in the road with them bleeding is a very good one. I'd understand if it was a recent thing after years of happiness but it sounds like he's been like this from the start.
You gotta put yourself first man. Definitely try the friends and family forum though.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 499
Give yourself time and distance to strengthen your commitment to your own well-being.
I read this is an article:
"If you act on everything you feel, it's because you are choosing to block out the likely consequences, which helps irrational feelings become irrational actions. Instead, allow yourself to experience, respect and move through your conflicting feelings by recognizing and remembering that they don't always have to make sense. You will be less likely to act on irrational feelings when you understand and accept that its normal to feel that way."
Dr Suzanne Lachmann
I read this is an article:
"If you act on everything you feel, it's because you are choosing to block out the likely consequences, which helps irrational feelings become irrational actions. Instead, allow yourself to experience, respect and move through your conflicting feelings by recognizing and remembering that they don't always have to make sense. You will be less likely to act on irrational feelings when you understand and accept that its normal to feel that way."
Dr Suzanne Lachmann
Guest
Join Date: May 2014
Location: South
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Bellajack4
Thanks for all your comments. I know it looks so straight forward to all of you and to me too at times. I'm 43 years old and i have been seperated from my husband for 3 years, my choice. This guy I met online was my first relationship with an alcoholic or any addiction for that matter. I'm having a hard time letting him go cause he needs help and I don't want him to feel like he is alone or have been abandoned. I know what that's like to feel alone and abandoned. I just really want him to be happy and healthy. But like you guys said I can't want it for him or do it for him. He has to want it for himself and do it for himself. I just wish I knew he would be okay, even tho he has hurt me. Plus I really do love him so it hurts not knowing how he is and the lies and the cheating.
I was enlightened to view his criminal record after we had been married about four months. It was eight pages of; DWI, driving while license revoked, open container, and etc.
It breaks my heart.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Brooklyn, ny
Posts: 734
Originally Posted by Low
Let me get this straight.....you met him online, have been in touch for 2 years but have only seen him him twice in that time...so the first 3 months over the phone he says ugly horrible things to you, and the first time you go to visit him he trashes your hotel room and lands in the hospital-drunk. I can certainly understand why you fell in love with him, he sounds charming. Seriously, the best thing you could do is find a good therapist and get yourself healthy, to understand why on earth this would be acceptable to you. Learn to love yourself, or you are in for so much more of this...so sad.
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