Blossom717

Thats the phrase that runs through my head every day. When I'm asked how am I, or any phrase relevant, my answer is "Tired."

I'm always thinking about his alcoholism. Its always there. The stress. I'm becoming bitter and resentful towards him, and I can't hide it anymore. I'm a nagger, I'm nosy and I am constantly on the defense mode. He always harps on me for being defensive. He can ask me what am I going to be doing today and I will snap at him.

I'm just not strong enough anymore. I can't snap back the next day after a night of drinking and stress and talking to someone who makes no sense. I can't bounce back.

I realize that I can't make him understand. I wish that there was just a switch, a word or anything that gave him that moment of realization that our family is going down in flames. But I know that that isn't possible.

And I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through a court battle over custody. I don't know how I can afford it financially or emotionally. I don't know how I will ever be happy, I just don't know. I see my daughter and how smart and beautiful and outgoing she is and I don't want anyone or anything to take that from her, I don't want her to have to deal with the stress. It feels like I am only biding my time until I can make our escape. And that makes me feel worse. Like I'm using him, plotting against him, and also that I'm only causing further damage to our family by staying in this environment.

How do you know? When did you know that everything was going to be "alright"?

hopeful4

I remember in the end I was so tired. I even told my XAH that I thought there must be something wrong with me because I was so very tired all the time.

The sleepless nights, the anxiety, the raw fear. It puts your body into "fight or flight" mode all the time. What I did not realize is I was so tired because my body and mind just could not handle it anymore. My mom made me go into the doctor and told them that if they did not help me I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Well, they did help me in that they got me on medication, they also got me to therapy. I had been before but this was on a different level and was very helpful. It helped me be strong enough to face that I was living in a situation that was making me sick in my mind and in my body.

I know it was going to be alright when I finally came to the realization that no matter what happened, I had the mental resources and support system to get through it.

I am now divorcing my XAH. It has come with trying times, but magically when I kicked him out, I no longer needed the majority of that medication. I am no longer tired unless it is time for me to be tired because of hard work or it being bedtime. I stepped off the crazy train, while it will circle around me for a long time because of having mutual children, it is a choice I make not to let that chaos affect my life.

Good Luck to you. Please reach out and get support for you!

FireSprite

When I started putting myself first, consistently, and continued to plow forward in my own recovery regardless of how RAH worked his own I changed little by little in a way that made me feel stronger & stronger. Not every single day - there have been plenty of days where I just want to lie in bed with the covers over my head & eat chocolate all day for sure! But even those moments brought growth & value when I look at the Big Picture, so I hesitate to consider them in a negative light.

I knew everything would be "alright" when my RAH relapsed & I didn't freak out. I felt strong & competant & totally OK being out of control of his decisions. I had re-developed my self-trust enough to hear & trust my own gut instincts & believe that no matter what happened to HIM, that *I* would be perfectly OK & be able to ensure that DD would be OK too... and that I could pick up the pieces if necessary, no matter how many pieces there were no matter how far they scattered.

BlueSkies1

Give yourself permission to just do the next right thing.
Baby steps.
Nowhere to go but up from here, and yes, expecting some setbacks and snags along the way.
We can only do the next right thing. What is that thing?
It can be as simple as taking a shower when you're depressed.
That's ok. We all have to start somewhere.
Then we gather momentum. Doing one right next step leads to doing the next right step, and pretty soon it looks like and is, progress.
And we all, every one of us on the planet, has to accept that so many things are out of our hands, are not in our control, or involve luck, or are being at the right place at the right time. Lots of life is like that.
So relieve some of the internal pressure. Expect no more from yourself than the next right thing.
It's all anybody can do anyway, no matter who they are.
I could do all the right next steps, and life could just happen in such a way that I get hit by a bus tomorrow, and it's game over for me.
But, even knowing that possibility, I can still feel good that I did the next right thing. It is all anybody can do.
One more thing...as you're doing the next right thing, look up, appreciate the sunny day, look at your daughter, appreciate her, stop for a second while you are working and smell the roses.

Live

Stress, anxiety, constantly being on guard will wear anyone out. It makes anyone tired.
Try to get enough rest, find a way to nourish yourself everyday and perhaps read up on boundaries.

mejo

I totally understand what you are saying. I hope you find strength. Just keep moving forward and listen to your gut.

Bullfrog

What Hopeful4 said.

Leaving him, and starting Al Anon, made a night and day difference for me.

AnvilheadII

I can't snap back the next day after a night of drinking and stress and talking to someone who makes no sense. I can't bounce back.

in that above statement one might think that YOU had been the one drinking!!! which really demonstrates how much into HIS stuff you are instead of your own.

being tired and worn out can actually be a good thing....cuz it means we are at the end of our rope and SOMETHING has to give. and we get fed, with a good dose of p!ssed, and we begin to CHANGE.

you've been looking at him and HIS problems for a long long time....and even tho you know what a messed up in the head person he is, you are still looking to HIM to FIX THINGS. thus your frustration. he isn't qualifed to fix thing...his job is to F them up beyond recognition.

so you start building a plan. a plan to CHANGE things. to get out from under this depressing soul sucking death spiral. you do it for you and for your daughter. you get your ducks in a row. even if moving is not going to happen tomorrow, you can still being to gather all your important information and financial data AS IF you were going to move. get a good solid grip on where things stand - money in, money out, debts, loans, retirement - are the cars paid off - where are the insurance policies. wills.

i don't mean you pile it all on the dining room table and make a big deal out of it. quiet forensics is best! then you will have a much better sense of your NOW, which will then help you plan to get to your NEXT.

Charmed3

Hey Blossom

I was in your shoes 10 months ago. I was so tired all the time. I was stressed out and all I could think of was how could I prevent the fall out that was sure to come because of HIS drinking. Until I started planning my exit, every day I became more depressed and stressed out about my situation.

And then one night I just snapped! I had had enough and the good people here and their advice finally sunk in.

The first thing I did was started spilling my guts to all the people who had no idea what was going on behind closed doors (well some suspected that I had been covering for him for a long time). Those trusted people were the ones that helped me get out in 2 hours without him even suspecting it was happening.

The next day I called two attorney's and went in for a free consultation. I told them everything that was going on and they gave me the information for what I could and could not do. I hadn't left yet so there was LOTS that I still could do. I absolutely took advantage of the fact that he was busy drinking while I was busy planning. Plotting against him? I suppose one could look at it that way but I figure he had been using and emotionally abusing me for years so I have no regrets and do not feel bad one bit about how I handled things. I will admit when I first left I did on occasion feel a little bad, but whenever he showed me what a true A** he could be the "feeling bad" disappeared.

I believe in the stickie's there is something on preparing yourself to leave that includes, seeing an attorney, having a ready bag in case he figures it out and you have to leave sooner than expected, but stashing funds for an attorney and expenses, packing and removing from the house the things you care about are important. I myself had to leave before my plan was ready to activate but it doesn't matter because I am still better off than I would have been had I not planned something.

Eventually it gets to the point that staying in the situation is worse than dealing with all the stuff that comes along with leaving.

When I first left I immediately got in to therapy. I was very distraught and still struggling with why he chose this and why he couldn't stay sober to save our marriage. Something she said to me at that first appointment that has helped me a lot and I have found that she was right - was "although the situation now is in upheaval and it is hard to see the other side, I promise you that in 3 months things are going to look and feel different. And then again in 6 months, then 9 months and after a year you will look back and know that although this was a struggle, where you are at is so much better than where you were. It is going to be different, but it will be better". "I know it's hard to see it but I promise you - you will be okay"

I left 8 months ago and yes it has been very difficult, but she was right. Things are beginning to fall in to place. Yes it is different, but it is better. I am finally starting to feel happy again. When I smile it is genuine.

The best way to get there is to just start somewhere. Maybe make a list of things that you need to do. The things that worry you most should be at the top of the list. Once those are addressed the other things seem to be easier.

I am so sorry you are going through this, keep posting, there is a lot of good advise and support here.

missboots

I think reading this was just now my OK moment. Feels so good! I remember that bone tired, brain tired feeling. All I could do to just feed the baby and brush my teeth at night. During the day at work I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Constantly afraid of his drinking and abuse. By the grace of God and the help of my generous parents I'm OUT. Might be living in a hotel but it's clean and comfortable and my sweet baby is with me.

Take as many big or little steps as you can each day, make some progress and it will get better. Ask people for help. If you start now you are that much closer to feeling like you're refreshed and alive.

marie1960

JMHO, but that tired, leads to sick and tired. Living with an addict WILL take a toll on you health and well being.

Your child deserves a healthy mama.

You say you are not strong enough to endure a custody battle, well that is a double edged blade, exactly how much more can you endure on a daily basis? currently his addiction is ruling the roost.

i would start with documenting all of his unacceptable actions, his lifestyle choices will provide you with the needed evidence to secure custody.

Psalm5110

I remember being so tired when I was living with an active alcoholic, too. I would go to bed early, at the same time as our toddler, and still be exhausted. I remember thinking how hard it would be to be a single parent and have to do everything for your kids while also being this run down. I would never have chosen to put myself in a similar situation if the truth of my husband's alcoholism hadn't smacked me in the face.

In truth, now that we are separated, I have more energy, even though I am 37 weeks pregnant (yikes!). I work full time, have our son most days, and maintain our house. I am amazed at how much energy it took to handle the emotional abuse and stress, and equally as amazed to discover I am so much more capable than I thought.

unsureoffuture

I feel that way sometimes too. I think everyone is right. The constant stress of living with an active A takes a toll on yourself. The anger and resentment keeps popping up because the problem is still there. For me, I try to do something fun an out of the ordinary for myself. Visit or call a friend you haven't seen in a while. Try a new restaurant you want to try. Visit a park. Do something you have been meaning to do but just haven't. You may have to drag yourself tired as heck to do it, but afterward you will feel great. Hang in there, we have all felt that way from time to time.

involved

Have you read the series of books called "getting them sober" by Toby Rice? A ton of knowledge in there to help you right now...

Ariel1030

I'm so very sorry. It is exhausting. Exhausting and sad and terrible and such a shame and disappointment. So much is easier said than done. You will be okay. You will get through it. One day at a time. Just take it one day at a time and take care of yourself the best you can, and if you fall back, forgive yourself, brush it off and keep going. Toby Tice's book is great.

RollTide

I know exactly how you feel. The way I felt was that my soul was tired.

Blossom717

Thats how I feel. No matter how much sleep I get, I wake up exhausted. Someone else said they went to bed the same time as their toddler and still woke up tired, I do the same now.

I'm reading "co-dependent no more" right now, I will definitely look at "getting them sober" next! I keep trying to look forward, and I'm making sure to try and base my choices on the best interest of my child.

I'm glad I have you guys here, I'm glad I'm not alone.

RollTide

Blossom, this place literally saved my life. AlAnon was good because I was able to talk to people who understood. But here I read and understood so much about emotional and verbal abuse.

Being in an alcoholic marriage was insane, going through a divorce was hard but I knew that there would be a day when it would all be history and today it is. I can honestly say that life is good again. And I so remember when it wasn't.

I remember after my marriage hearing myself laugh and it seemed so odd...it had been so long since I had heard that sound come out of me.

Hugs to you.

POAndrea

I felt that way too (and still do sometimes, but am doing much, much better.) When I went to the doctor, I learned I wasn't as much tired as clinically depressed. After I started getting good treatment, then I could finally work up enough energy to deal with my feelings about my husband's drinking. I still couldn't change his behavior, but I was finally able to plan and implement better responses to it.

hopeful4

That is right, you are never alone! We are here to walk this road with you!!!

XXX