On edge
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 117
On edge
My nerves are on edge because thirty days will be up on Wednesday and we're assuming (based on his letters) my daughter's ex will leave rehab. I'm nervous because these last thirty days have been relatively drama free but I know she's going to be right back in the middle of it once he asks to see his son. I know she'll know by his actions if he's truly sober so if he's not it will be the same pattern of his claims of sobriety, his raging at her, etc. It seems to me the choices are either going to be 1) Let him see his son with no boundaries (which isn't an option); or 2) Tell him to get a lawyer if he wants to see his son. I don't think they'll be any middle ground that doesn't involve her drug testing him or at least monitoring his actions...not because she's trying to control him but because she's trying to protect her son. Will she ever truly be able to move on with her life? Does any of this even make sense?
Add another layer...his parents are RIDICULOUS! His mother lies for him and his dad is oblivious! They claim to have no idea what his plans are after rehab. I find that interesting since he will be relying on them for support as he is homeless and jobless. Whatever "the plan" is, they won't tell us. I don't care if they don't care about how my daughter is affected by this but I do care that they don't care about how their grandson is affected!!!
I guess you can tell that I don't believe he will stay sober once he gets out. I don't. His letters have been mostly about him getting over HIS resentments. Can someone please tell me what he has to resent???? I mean, he was given so much and gave nothing. He expects things from everyone else that he is not willing or able to give and yet he claims he has resentments? Am I missing something here?
I dont' know, I guess I just needed to get all this out of my system. I don't even know if it's appropriate for me to be on here since it's her relationship with an addict not mine. BUT, it has had a HUGE affect on our family and I guess I need help dealing with it. Thanks for listening!
Add another layer...his parents are RIDICULOUS! His mother lies for him and his dad is oblivious! They claim to have no idea what his plans are after rehab. I find that interesting since he will be relying on them for support as he is homeless and jobless. Whatever "the plan" is, they won't tell us. I don't care if they don't care about how my daughter is affected by this but I do care that they don't care about how their grandson is affected!!!
I guess you can tell that I don't believe he will stay sober once he gets out. I don't. His letters have been mostly about him getting over HIS resentments. Can someone please tell me what he has to resent???? I mean, he was given so much and gave nothing. He expects things from everyone else that he is not willing or able to give and yet he claims he has resentments? Am I missing something here?
I dont' know, I guess I just needed to get all this out of my system. I don't even know if it's appropriate for me to be on here since it's her relationship with an addict not mine. BUT, it has had a HUGE affect on our family and I guess I need help dealing with it. Thanks for listening!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's doubtful he will remain sober. Thirty days is such a short time.
Get the attorney and get ready to fight. Keep as much proof as possible. Encourage your daughter to text only with him, and print them off. Anything you think would be helpful in a custody battle.
I am so sorry. I hate that addiction does to families.
Praying for all of you!
Get the attorney and get ready to fight. Keep as much proof as possible. Encourage your daughter to text only with him, and print them off. Anything you think would be helpful in a custody battle.
I am so sorry. I hate that addiction does to families.
Praying for all of you!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 117
Thank you, hopeful. We have an attorney and we have documented a lot. Child support has been filed for even though I don't know how he'd even pay it. Not my problem though.
I'm the kind of person who reads the last page of a book first
It's making me crazy not to know how this is going to go!
I'm the kind of person who reads the last page of a book first
It's making me crazy not to know how this is going to go!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I completely understand! That was a big part of my problem, I wanted to be able to do something only God can do, control the future!
FYI...the payment of child support is not tied to visitation. That was news to me when I started my research. So...just because someone is not paying their support does not mean they don't get to see the kids. However, what it does mean is that they would have to take her to court if she violates the court order of visitation which is very unlikely if he is not paying his support.
I am so sorry, I can understand your anxiety. Praying that he takes rehab seriously and cleans up. Also praying for peace and protection for you, your daughter, and her sweet baby.
XXX
FYI...the payment of child support is not tied to visitation. That was news to me when I started my research. So...just because someone is not paying their support does not mean they don't get to see the kids. However, what it does mean is that they would have to take her to court if she violates the court order of visitation which is very unlikely if he is not paying his support.
I am so sorry, I can understand your anxiety. Praying that he takes rehab seriously and cleans up. Also praying for peace and protection for you, your daughter, and her sweet baby.
XXX
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I worried a lot just like you are, and in the end worry never changed the outcome but it left me drained for the effort.
If she is protecting her child and has good legal advice, then maybe just trust that and hope for the best.
Hugs
If she is protecting her child and has good legal advice, then maybe just trust that and hope for the best.
Hugs
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 117
He left rehab Sunday, went to his Mom's for the night then back to our town where he was supposed to check into a half-way house. He wanted to see his son but my daughter said not until we talk. He agreed. They met but it was the same old bs and "I'm sorry"'s without depth. She said she cried three times as she talked to him about how she felt. He had no emotion. His eyes seemed "unclear". She did'nt let him see his son...it all felt too familiar.
I am overwhelmed and don't know how to help my daughter.
I am overwhelmed and don't know how to help my daughter.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
The only thing you can do to help her is listen. Support her. That is all. She is being a good mama, not letting him see the child is a good thing. She stuck to her guns, that's good.
I know for myself, the biggest thing my family did was just that, listen. They did not push me or try to make decisions for me. They helped empower me to make the right ones for me and my children.
Big hugs good mama.....praying for all of you!
I know for myself, the biggest thing my family did was just that, listen. They did not push me or try to make decisions for me. They helped empower me to make the right ones for me and my children.
Big hugs good mama.....praying for all of you!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Although its unlikely that he'd get it together enough to find a lawyer, he might. And, if he does, its hard to keep a father from his child. (Actually, he doesn't even need a lawyer, he most likely can just go the county court house and file forms. ) I'm not a lawyer, but I'd be inclined to let him have supervised visits for short periods of time when you know the baby is safe. Nothing like having visitation denied to get someone motivated enough to seek further custody- which could be very scary.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Thank you Hopefulmom! I agree with you and that has been my fear all along ... that he'd get a lawyer. She is more than willing to let him see the baby ,supervised, and was going to on Monday but things went south. Honestly, I don't think he's interested in being a real father and would probably just love to be left alone about it BUT his mother keeps pushing (even though she sees the baby on a regular basis). Like all these situations, it's a tangled mess!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Mamacas, I hope he really is sober and plans to continue to seek help. You wont know until he shows his true colors and worrying wont change it. I felt such relief when I let go and let God and knew worrying wasn't helping anything and only hurting me.
My son was very standoffish to us during rehab and directly after. He too barely showed any emotion and later on he told us he didn't want to feel because he was full of shame and guilt. He tried to keep a wall up so as not to break down. Not sure this is the case with your daughter's boyfriend but I was told this is not uncommon. Hoping for the best for your daughter but it sounds like she has strong boundaries and everything in place with a lawyer. HUGS.
My son was very standoffish to us during rehab and directly after. He too barely showed any emotion and later on he told us he didn't want to feel because he was full of shame and guilt. He tried to keep a wall up so as not to break down. Not sure this is the case with your daughter's boyfriend but I was told this is not uncommon. Hoping for the best for your daughter but it sounds like she has strong boundaries and everything in place with a lawyer. HUGS.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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*update*
He is supposedly in a transitional living facility...no job yet. Saw his son for an hour on Saturday (supervised of course). He said he was asked to lead the meeting that afternoon so he had to get back for that and he's been asked to "chair a committee" for a national meeting. Is that even real? After eight weeks of rehab and no attempt to make amends or anything? He said when he first got out of inpatient rehab that they didn't really "work" the steps there they just teach you about them ???????? I don't think his brain is working yet or maybe mine isn't???
Anywho,
, there are still multiple warrants out on him and his license is suspended. Does the rehab do any kind of background check during the admissions process? Do they know he has warrants or only if he tells them? I would think as part of the rehab/transitioinal living process he would have to address the warrants?? Am I naive???
He is supposedly in a transitional living facility...no job yet. Saw his son for an hour on Saturday (supervised of course). He said he was asked to lead the meeting that afternoon so he had to get back for that and he's been asked to "chair a committee" for a national meeting. Is that even real? After eight weeks of rehab and no attempt to make amends or anything? He said when he first got out of inpatient rehab that they didn't really "work" the steps there they just teach you about them ???????? I don't think his brain is working yet or maybe mine isn't???
Anywho,
, there are still multiple warrants out on him and his license is suspended. Does the rehab do any kind of background check during the admissions process? Do they know he has warrants or only if he tells them? I would think as part of the rehab/transitioinal living process he would have to address the warrants?? Am I naive???
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