WanderingBear

Hello all and *FAIR WARNING*, this may be a little long-winded. I joined this site some time ago, but I never posted anything. A little background:

I am 44, and almost 13 years ago I took it upon myself to quit drinking. It wasn't actually much of an event, I just quit cold turkey and have not had so much as a sip since. I didn't even find it difficult, save for the first few months getting used to not ordering beers when eating out, and not going out with friends anymore. I also needed to find other uses of my time on weekends. It was a decision I came to after 18 years of fairly steady drinking.

I was an angry, rebellious child who grew up in an alcoholic household (verbally abusive mother (when drunk) who was hammered quite often, routinely passed out on the floor, didn't come home sometimes, embarrassed me countless time in public, etc.), and I started drinking myself at the age of 13 along with friends my age. We were all middle class kids with little supervision. At that tender young age, the drinking was infrequent (it still blows me away when I see a 13 year old and recall that I was drinking then), however we drank to get buzzed/drunk. As the years progressed, the drinking became more frequent, and I could handle drinking more in one sitting. On most occasions it was beer, but there were shots and other things here and there.

I was never an everyday drinker, mostly a weekend binge type. I didn't like the feeling of being hungover at work so it was something I mostly avoided during the week. I was also aware of addiction and had no interest in withdrawal symptoms or becoming physically dependent upon anything. That being said, there was a lot of heavy drinking on weekends, and getting a little too loose and making poor decisions I would have avoided had I been sober, such as drinking and driving, sleeping around, fistfights (I would not start them but I was happy to oblige when someone else did). I also smoked marijuana, but pretty much stayed away from other drugs.

The impetus for me quitting drinking was the beginning of a new relationship and the realization that my drinking was not "normal", and also the desire to try to find more happiness. I had a distorted view of the world where it seemed like "everyone" drank and got drunk from time to time when in reality it was because of the people I surrounded myself with. I was shocked to find out that my new girlfriend had never even been drunk. She told me she once had 3 or 4 drinks and got really tired and went to bed. Geez, 3 or 4 drinks was a warm-up act for me before I actually went out. With friends, I could easily put away 18-24 beers in a night. She said that my drinking scared her. It does seem quite excessive looking back on it, but I'm not a small guy either, so I had a pretty good tolerance.

Anyway, the reason I am writing is that I have, over the course of the past few years, been feeling like my decision to quit drinking actually resulted in less happiness and a diminished quality of life. I am almost ashamed to admit that I have become a much more serious, sullen, and unhappy individual afterwards. I actually looked up the term "dry drunk" to try to find out if I fit the bill. I have developed a somewhat nasty disposition at times, not necessarily in public but more in private and by myself. Alcohol used to be an outlet for me. It was the one time when nothing else mattered, and I could truly relax and forget about life's stresses. It seems that without it I lack good coping skills and the stresses of life have taken their toll. I no longer go on dates, I have developed horrible anxiety attacks, and I have seriously wondered if resuming drinking would bring back a lot of the happiness I used to experience back then. I am honestly not thinking of doing this any time soon, but the thought has crossed my mind as I ponder if this whole time has been a failed experiment. I think I expected life to really improve after I quit, and it's only gotten worse. I've also grown tired of saying "no, I don't drink" when pressed to go out for cocktails with new friends, etc.

I guess I'd like to know if anyone else feels like this after such a long period of time sober.

Dee74

Hi and welcome WanderingBear

The first thing that strikes me is - do you really think alcohol would really relax you, stop your anxiety, help you fit in better, make you happier etc...

I thought all those things would happen too. They didn't.

Like me, might you just simply return to old patterns instead - weekend binging..or worse?

what else have you tried over the past 12 years to deal with these underlying problems?


I have to be honest - I don't have 12 years - I have something over 7 - but I knew that, unless I dealt with those parts of me that drove me to drink...and unless I changed my life, I'd never be happy.

I've worked hard to be happy. That took some time, some patience, and a willingness to change.
It also took some counselling.

I also worked hard to build a new life that didn't revolve around drinking or drinkers.
I think living my old life sober would be one particularly excruciating kind of hell.

I don't know how much of my experience, if any, applies to you....

but if the only solution you can come up with is drinking again, I definitely think it's worth some further thought Wandering Bear

You'll find a lot of support and ideas here - it's a good place to hang out
D

WanderingBear

Thank you for responding. Do you think this should be moved to the alcohol section?

Dee74

It can be if you like...

but this forum is the busiest - and there's a nice cross section of members here too - despite the name, we're not only newcomers to recovery here

Whatever you think

D

Kitkat331

I'm relatively new to sobriety, so I don't claim to speak from personal experience. But I work in mental health, and there is a reason alcohol and drug abuse are often called "self medicating". Many, many addicts have underlying issues and/or mental illness that are part of the reason they started using. There ARE safe, effective treatments for anxiety (and booze isn't one of them.). I strongly encourage you to find a therapist and be honest about what you've told us. There are better solutions than going back to drinking.

I wish you all the best!

Treerat66

Hi WanderingBear, welcome to SR.
I have a hobby that doesn't require thinking about and lets my mind wander where it will. It lets me sort the mental garbage.

Croissant

WanderingBear...welcome back. Thanks for your post...I am new to sobriety ...but I think it's at least a good sign that you recognise something is wrong.

Not sure what work, if any, you did in getting sober towards dealing with the underlying problems that we cover up with alcohol. Dealing with feelings / anger...life, and what goes with it - takes effort.

Have you considered finding an addiction counsellor before you relapse?

You do realise just making the statement that not drinking may have resulted in;
"less happiness and diminished quality of life", is a statement only an alcoholic could make?

Alcohol has not added to my life in any way, shape or form. Have I had better nights out drunk?...actually no, not really (and that's honestly)...would I have enjoyed social occasions more drunk? Umm, no, because by the end....it wasn't about being "social", it was about if there was enough drinks left and hoping I wouldn't yet again be the only one who wanted to write myself off til the wee hours.

Have you forgotten - alcohol is never fun for an alcoholic. Others who have fallen off the wagon will post on this thread, no doubt. Most of the stories I've heard is that once off the wagon, it took years to fix it...and they are the ones who make it back.

I wish you all the best and know you will get some good insight here.

Be well.

Pipefish

Hi Wandering Bear

Thank you for such an honest post, and glad you are here.

Very much identified with what you wrote, and from experience after the same length of sobriety, drinking again did, very, very briefly, provide that relief you describe. For one or two evenings in fact, then the 'magic' wore off, and all best were off. I genuinely wouldn't recommend, least of all for the impact it has on self-esteem and healthy self regard.

Have you ever been to, or thought about trying AA? The reason I ask is that what you describe is experienced in AA terminology as being restless, irritable and discontented. To deal with that, the solution I would always choose was drinking. Problem is, that solution is no better than than those feelings themselves, and creates problems far more serious than mere irritability. That's one of the conundrums of alcoholism really - that the thing used to solve the emotional discomfort we experience is the very worst thing we could do.

There's a saying that it is an act of cruelty to remove alcohol from an alcoholic, and not replace it with something of substance. That thing of substance for me has been the AA programme. It is worth a try....

If it helps (although it may qualify at TMI right now) it may be worth googling you tube AA speakers on emotional sobriety (Tom B has a particularly good talk on this) and dry drunk. Although I hate the phrase, there is nothing that sums up better imo, the feelings of emotional disturbance, unhappiness and bad temper of a 'dry drunk' where all the only action taken is to stop drinking, without dealing with ourselves and approach to life. I definitely experienced that one!! It is extremely uncomfortable, but the good news is, it's also open to a resolution that offers so much more than alcohol ever did or could.

Thanks again for your honest sharing, and wish you well

Mags1

Hi WanderingBear, when I stopped I didn't change much to start just did most things the same but without a drink in my hand. Except some tv programmes which triggered a drink for me, they went hand in hand.

Over the months I've found the sobriety bit isn't all of it, time for the recovery. For me, it's a long slow road, the booze covered problems from eons ago which I am working on.

There is a life after booze, a good wholesome full life, worth living. Lots for you to discover.

WanderingBear

Thank you for all of the responses. I would like to say that I am not seriously considering drinking again at this time, but I really wanted to be honest about my feelings, and that I have thought about it lately. My drinking was probably a bit different than other people's in that it was almost exclusively going out with friends and in social situations, so I really enjoyed it. That's what I miss. Once I stopped drinking, I became bored in those situations, and my social life took a turn for the worse.

I am the kind of person who did not begrudge others who drank after I quit. I would still go out to bars with all of my friends, albeit rarely, but I just had water or a non-alcoholic beer, and I would leave early.

There's a lot going on with me right now, may be some sort of midlife crises or something.

WanderingBear

I'm smart enough to realize that I'm probably just romanticizing about days gone by, and things weren't as great as they seem in hindsight. I quit drinking for my health, and it was the right choice.

Croissant

Probably. if the below was where you really were at, that sounds right about where my drinking was in 2003-2005...it was causing problems in my relationship...not huge ones, just enough that it disturbed my partner from time to time that it was increasing a little too much. Maybe a few times a year we would have words about it.

So there I was, I had a couple of choices....I managed to convince him I could still drink. I became more and more disheartened with the relationship...and his comments about my drinking (still only occasionally) were bugging the hell out of me. You say you stopped once you reached the above point. I did not.

From 2007 until last year, I drank basically daily. I'd drowned those 6 years in alcohol, and there's no pretty story there. No relationship, no emotional growth ...a lot lost.

You were lucky you stopped when you did.

WanderingBear

Yes, I'm glad I never drank like that. But getting drunk period isn't ok, whether it's a couple nights a week or every night. It is abusing one's body. That's the conclusion I came to, which is why I stopped. I chose health, both mental and physical. The mental hasn't turned out how I would have hoped, what with the anxiety, etc., but I suppose there's much time left to address that.

Croissant

Exactly. You don't avoid the work, the reasons you did it in the first place, which I don't believe were strictly social.

SereneEdition

Hi WanderingBear -

Welcome to the posting side of things. Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts.

I don't have 12 years - only 1, but I too am working on my emotional sobriety - and I am learning to notice my negative feelings as signals for what I need for my happiness, and how to get that without alcohol.

Sounds like your experiencing a bit of a life transition - and what I hear in your post is the interest in connecting with people, not alcohol. What activities get you energized that others would be up for joining you?

Mentium

It sounds to me as if you have a 'life problem', rather than an 'alcohol problem'. I think there is an expectation in some of us that quitting drinking will potentially solve all our problems. I think it just gets the booze out of the way so that the person you are, complete with warts and all can get out from under and stand a chance of making the best of life.

Nobody said life had to be perfect in any case, right? It rarely ends well after all...

WanderingBear

I drank to escape, mask pain, etc. It just so happens it was in the company of others who were likely doing the same, and it involved a lot of laughing and camaraderie. Once I made the decision to quit, I grew apart from all of those old friends. A few have actually died, unfortunately.

WanderingBear

You're exactly right. I thought my problem was alcohol, and by simply quitting drinking I would magically become happy. Boy was I wrong. I think it helps coming onto this forum because I've already realized that the last thing I want to do is incorporate drinking into my life again.

Croissant

Here's a recent thread where others speak of long term sobriety and what caused them to examine their relapse. I know you say you won't, so this can't hurt;


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-sobriety.html

yeahgr8

I am working with a sponsor at the moment. He can get a year sober under his belt then he drinks again. The reason he drinks again because life is so miserable without the drinking why shouldn't he be miserable and drinking. This is perfectly logical.

The key to long time sobriety is an inner change otherwise it's a awfully long trudge to death staying away from a drink one day at a time. What sort of life is that?

You are in a fantastic position! Get into a recovery program and do the work suggested. I got sober in AA 5 years ago by working the steps of AA. It showed me, for the first time, who I was and finally I begin to have a good relationship with me. I would recommend it!

I have met quite a few people with 20 years plus abstinence and you feel like buying them a drink. I have met more in AA who have done some work on themselves who have great lives simply because they had to look at themselves through desperation. You can be one if them.

Do something about it:-)