CarryThatWeight

Everyone was so very helpful on my last thread, where I discussed my alcoholic exBF, that I thought I'd post some questions. Now that I've been on my own for a month, I've realized many things. One, that my situation was abusive. Yet I still have temptation--every single day--to call him, or text him, or drive to his house. Why would I want to get back on the crazy train? I do think I must be a bit of a codependent because deep down I feel compassion for him and want to "help" him, but ultimately, it's because I don't want to be alone. I'm independent financially, work full time, have my own apartment, etc. but when it comes down to it, I'm not happy being single. I want to be in a relationship. I only feel good with a man, even though rationally I know that a man doesn't necessarily make me feel better. The last one made me feel a lot worse! I'm going to Al Anon, reading literature, I've begun the steps with my sponsor, and I see a counselor. I'm trying to "fix" myself but I guess I'm really just powerless over this crazy desire to be with a man. I seem to be powerless over the desire to get back with my abusive ex. I see the common thread among posts here where all of you say you learned to love yourselves, and that you learned to be happy on your own, without needing a relationship. How do you get to that point? Does the emptiness ever go away? Because I can't remember a time in my life that I didn't feel empty and wanting. And as much as the ex was a hardcore, sober 12 stepper, I'm pretty sure he's empty inside too.

Thanks for hanging in there with me on another long post.

dandylion

CarryThatWeight----First of all--one month is way to soon for you to have grieved the loss of this relationship and to heal. You are in the process--but, it doesn't become history this fast.

Aside from natural grieving--I believe that you are very lonely. Lonely for that secure feeling that someone has your back. Lonely for emotional intimacy. Lonely for someone who reflects back to you that you are valued and respected. Lonely for simple companionship. The knowing that someone hears you and understands you.

To my way of thinking....all of this is normal for anyone to want. We are wired to be social creatures, after all. We get all of these things through healthy relationships with others.

What a rotten...rotten...sticky wicket for you--that you bonded with someone that was unable to love and treat you the way you need to be.

I believe that you are on the right track---as you heal and grow in self-esteem, that empty feeling will fade and you will become healthy enough to welcome healthy others into your life. I'll bet that in a few months you will look back and be astounded at how much you have changed and how much better you feel.

Keep your faith....and keep looking forward. You are not alone and happier times are in your future. Believe it....

dandylion

lillamy

Well... You put one foot in front of the other. Work your program. Work with your therapist. I can honestly say that the best relationships I've been in have happened when I wasn't looking. When I was happy and content with my life as it was.

I think when I was desperately looking for a relationship, I was vulnerable to the wrong kind of men - men who prey on vulnerability.

Some of us do better in relationships, others thrive on being single. I would say explore in therapy why you feel lonely and not good enough alone (I did), and meanwhile, grow your friendships. (((Hugs)))

desypete

i can understand how you feel as i once felt the same way. i was about 2 years sober in aa and thought i had changed and come a much better person but i longed to have someone to love me i longed to be able to come home to the perfect sweet lady who loved me with all her heart
so i did what any normal sober person would do i started looking online to meet this girl of my dreams, as i didnt want to mix with other alcholics in the fellowship at a relationship level as i had seen people fall in love and out of love in aa and both ended up back in drink
so online was easy to chat to other women and i found many were as dumb as me : ) as they to were looking for a knight in shinning Armour so i got the job and love was in the air and my life was going to be perfect from now on

well i guess you can see whats coming next : )
life wasnt perfect its hard to be with people and there habits or ways that you dont get to know about untill the masks come off
so i would end up getting hurt again and again until i just gave up trying and i am kind of happy now just being on my own
its no big deal nothing to be scared of and i dont make it a number 1 thing in my life of must haves
in fact i honestly dont want another relationship again as they are hard work for me to work on me
i also made myself this pledge after being in relationships that i thought would make me whole again but never did
i said i would rather be alone and unhappy than to feel alone and unhappy in a relationship as thats how i ended up feeling alone that the person didnt care for me but really i think she was just sick of me or in the case of some online ladys they had simpely got to many other males out there chasing them online and it was all just ego stuff for them not really looking for love

PippiLngstockng

To answer your title thread, you become okay by doing things that you, as the okay person you want to be, would do.

Pursue your favorite pasttimes, surround yourself with good friends, get outside in the sunshine. Act like your best self and you will turn things around in your life.

The void you feel without a man? Fill it with yourself. This is frankly no time to jump headling into another relationship. Patience!

honeypig

Keep doing what you're doing, CarryThatWeight--it's just gonna take time.

I always think that, b/c I've made the decision to change, the change should happen RIGHT NOW, and be total and complete! But dammit, it just doesn't seem to work that way...

Be patient w/yourself and your life. Things will unfold in their own time. And remember, it has taken you X number of years to get to the place you're at now, so the fix isn't going to come in a day, or a month, or even a year. Just keep on "trudging the path", as they say in AA. The journey really IS the destination.

hopeful4

I had lost feelings over the past years, but when I think of my XAH I think of that last night, when crap hit the fan. He said some awful things to me, in front of OUR children. I remember that is what his true feelings are.

I don't ever want to be in that situation again, ever. Think about how it makes you feel during the abuse when you feel weak, or at least that is what worked for me.

XXX

ladyscribbler

Ever seen Finding Nemo?

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Go with the flow. Get out and take yourself on a date. I took myself to the roller derby last Saturday, and to a music festival a couple weekends before that. Look online or in the daily paper for cheap or free activities around town- ours usually prints a list of weekend activities on Thursday. Learn to enjoy your own company first.
I know just how you feel. I jumped from one relationship to another for years with hardly a break in between any of them because I thought I needed to be half of a couple to be complete. But I'm learning that simply isn't true.
Hugs.

FireSprite

Start here ^

One day at a time, in seriously little baby steps. (and once in a while a giant leap!) Why do you feel this way? Why aren't you *enough* all by yourself? There's a difference between enjoying the company of a man because it adds to your life experience vs. only being able to feel good/find happiness when you are suction-cupped to another person & defining your life through that relationship.

Does having "him" in your life make you a better woman, mother, daughter, sister, friend, person? What do you feel that he "adds" to your life to make it such a necessary relationship for your overall happiness?

honeypig

Speaking as someone who's never had that "man-free" pause, I think those who say to spend some time with yourself being yourself are so very, very right. The questions that FireSprite asks above are right on the money, I believe.

I'm seeing my brother do the same thing in his life--married, cheating on wife w/GF#1, divorced and with GF#1, cheating on GF#1 w/GF#2, leaving GF#1 and moving to Canada w/GF#2...Not only is there no gap between relationships, there is actual overlap....and yet he proclaims loudly and often how "at ease w/himself" he is, how he doesn't understand those who aren't comfortable being alone. Right.

I read this here some time ago and it so resonated w/me that I saved it in my "Wisdom of SR" file. Hoping it resonates for you too:
It's a new experience for me learning to be another person’s companion and friend rather than using them as a means to make me feel better.

marie1960

If you really believe a man/woman will complete you, I can only suggest you take a step back and work on yourself.

This type of thinking is more about YOU , than possibly you are able to accept in your present today and all the reason to take a pause, and address your very personal issues.

The emptiness you speak of will remain there, until you figure out what makes you thrive.

Signed,
The Choir.