Hawk07

I know this is silly and the last thing I should be focused on or thinking of. I'm just frustrated and a little sad..I was in a long term relationship that ended this past February.. Last night a guy whom I met through a mutual friend and who I have a bit of crush on called to ask if I'd like to go on a hike and grab some coffee today..(I suspect he knows of my drinking problem as our mutual friend knows) Of course I had to come up with some lame excuse and say no...

I'm angry that my drinking has put me in this situation. I've already missed out on so much of life because of it. But I have to put my recovery first and I think jumping back onto the dating scene would be unwise..am I right? At the same time I isolated myself so much while drinking and made such a fool of myself I have so little friends left...And a big part of me just wants to start connecting with people again. But I suppose that comes later and for now I need to make friends at AA or with other sober folks to start.

falseemperor

Why dont you give up drinking than take your gf back?

Mentium

I think you are wise to try to keep things simple Hawk07! We all know how complicated relationships can get. Plenty of time later! Just my penny's worth!

bigsombrero

This is pretty much the truth. It's all about fixing yourself early on. We alcoholics are VERY impatient. And often - due to embarrassment or a hard landing that sparked our sobriety - we want to shove it under the rug and MOVE ON. We are desperate for confirmation that we're still desirable, we like to have the approval of "normies" as well. We want to fit in and be a part of the scene. And heck, a lot of us are used to dating and having a significant other in our lives, and we just miss all that stuff that comes with it.

But I'd recommend keeping things simple. This takes time. I waited the standard year myself, and when I was ready something fell right into my lap. It's uncanny how that happens, but it does. Don't worry about missing out. I see nothing wrong with going for coffee...but make sure it's "just coffee" and take baby steps here. Good luck!

LBrain

Put your recovery first.
It all depends on you, your age, your... a lot of things.

Hawk07

Bigsombrero,

That clicked with me. You are spot on. Thank you

LadyinBC

Big hat man is very wise . I personally was glad that I wasn't in any kind of relationship when I started recovery. Too complicated and who needs the extra baggage and stress.

I agree that focusing on you is the best thing. Believe me you won't be sorry.

MIRecovery

I had a hard enough time taking care of myself and staying sober without the added complications of an other person. I would get sober and stay sober. Then I would think about dating

ktwsober

You have to focus on yourself first. If you are in the right mind and progressing in recovery, I think its A-OK. You also have to be up front and explain your in recovery status to anyone you decide to date.

EndGameNYC

I think for many of us there is also an impulse to "get it right" this time, a special kind of repetition compulsion that we apply to relationships in early sobriety. "Now that I'm sober, I can better manage a romantic relationship, even have the best relationship of my life." We're quick to pole vault over the reality that successful relationships require a great deal of work, and put us face-to-face with our own unresolved issues on a regular basis. How many times did I have to learn that love is not enough?

There was a guy at a meeting a while ago who said about the mythical "Thirteenth Step," "My life has become unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone."

Dee74

Hey Hawk

a few days ago you were in a bad way...give yourself this time to heal, and to grow strong.

There is the rest of your life to catch up and have fun and be loved.

Take the time now to learn to know who sober you is and what you want.

You'll be a better partner for it

D

Hawk07

Thanks Dee

I was just pondering what a mess I was a few days ago - Wishful thinking on my part to be able to jump back into a normal routine and life. I have a lot of work and tough changes to make.

Mags1

Hi Hawk. Some good advice given above, it's given me food for thought yet again. I've been married over 20 years and my emotions and feelings change every day, I don't know where I am some days then top of the world the next.
It does take time to find our feet again, patience and baby steps, I'm saying that to myself, all the best Hawk.

Mountainmanbob

when you are ready for dating don't leave out normies
not all of them drink like we used to
actually most come with less baggage than recovered ones

just a thought from up top the mountain

MountainmanBob

Aellyce

I think I'm a good example for some of the things that were mentioned above. I got sober while being in a same sex relationship, and there have been so many changes to it and also in my perception of my own values and preferences since I quit drinking. For example, I have viewed myself as bisexual for most of my life and now these days I'm even questioning my sexual orientation... which is not doing good to my current relationship unfortunately, but it seems like I have to go through this. I also have some of those fantasies and thoughts described above about starting something new, but I really don't think it would be good for a new person having to deal with this whole dynamic. There are also some basic issues in how I've engaged in relationships in my life - lots of projection patterns and I've often tended to take them as puzzle/problem solving exercises - I need to work on myself to not do this in the future. It's not easy to change old ingrained repetitive patterns but is necessary if we want improvement.

FreeOwl

I'm not an expert on relationships or on sobriety - but I have both....

my view is that if a relationship happens in sobriety, there's probably a reason for it - but focus on yourself and being healthy, not looking for relationship.

The best relationships probably happen when we are taking care of ourselves and meet another person who is doing the same and discover ways in which our togetherness reinforces and expands our self-ness.

Croissant

Hawk, can't add to the advice, but you are worth the time it takes to get this and yourself right first.

Lol. So true. I actually think there are some non-alcoholics who fit into this category too!

Upward2Enlightenment

You should focus on yourself right now Hawk. If you do like this guy tell him that you have a lot of personal problems to work out right now but would like to have coffee some other time.