My God, how did I get here?!
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
My God, how did I get here?!
Every now and again I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or a picture and feel completely perplexed as to how I, I, became a friggin' alcoholic! If someone told me when I was a teenager this is how I'd end up, I would have laughed in his/her face.
The first time I tasted alcohol I was 14. One of my brothers let me taste his beer. I thought it was the nastiest, most repulsive thing I ever tasted. It wasn't until several years later I experienced my first buzz, and about 5 years after that I started doing a lot of drinking alone. I knew even then it was a bad sign, but I was young, I was healthy, I was invincible.
Fast forward 26 years and I can't believe how much of my life has passed me by. I can't believe this is how I ended up. I know, I know... its reality so deal with it. Just having one of those reflective moments...
The first time I tasted alcohol I was 14. One of my brothers let me taste his beer. I thought it was the nastiest, most repulsive thing I ever tasted. It wasn't until several years later I experienced my first buzz, and about 5 years after that I started doing a lot of drinking alone. I knew even then it was a bad sign, but I was young, I was healthy, I was invincible.
Fast forward 26 years and I can't believe how much of my life has passed me by. I can't believe this is how I ended up. I know, I know... its reality so deal with it. Just having one of those reflective moments...
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I really want this to come across well and with compassion because it is meant with such.
The answer to your question is YOU.
YOU got you here.
So maybe it might be prudent to listen to someone other than you to change your direction?
The answer to your question is YOU.
YOU got you here.
So maybe it might be prudent to listen to someone other than you to change your direction?
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
I post a thread about talking it to death and proceed to talk it to death some more...
Here's the deal. About 2 weeks ago, after 3 months of sobriety, I decided I was ready to try moderating again.
When you all finish having a good laugh, come back and start reading again.
In just a few days, I was absolutely miserable. By a week later, I had missed 2 days of work because I felt like hell. I knew I had to stop, but also knew AWS was going to be what AWS always is. So, I read about tapering. That actually worked surprisingly well for me. In just a matter of a few days, I was down to only 2 drinks spread over a 24 hour period. The problem was, after seeing how relatively easy it was, the AV piped up and said, "Well, would you look at that?! You don't have to be afraid of AWS anymore! You can drink whenever you want and just start tapering again. Rinse. Repeat." Weekend arrived and I decided to give it another try. Not a good idea, as you can imagine.
That isn't to say tapering is a bad idea - it really saved me a lot of physical anguish - I just need to couple it with something else, something to maintain the sobriety. Above all, a commitment to never touching the stuff again. Ever. I already know that. I've known it for years. I just seem to keep forgetting it.
Here's the deal. About 2 weeks ago, after 3 months of sobriety, I decided I was ready to try moderating again.
When you all finish having a good laugh, come back and start reading again.
In just a few days, I was absolutely miserable. By a week later, I had missed 2 days of work because I felt like hell. I knew I had to stop, but also knew AWS was going to be what AWS always is. So, I read about tapering. That actually worked surprisingly well for me. In just a matter of a few days, I was down to only 2 drinks spread over a 24 hour period. The problem was, after seeing how relatively easy it was, the AV piped up and said, "Well, would you look at that?! You don't have to be afraid of AWS anymore! You can drink whenever you want and just start tapering again. Rinse. Repeat." Weekend arrived and I decided to give it another try. Not a good idea, as you can imagine.
That isn't to say tapering is a bad idea - it really saved me a lot of physical anguish - I just need to couple it with something else, something to maintain the sobriety. Above all, a commitment to never touching the stuff again. Ever. I already know that. I've known it for years. I just seem to keep forgetting it.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: S.E. Wisconsin
Posts: 341
Yes, and while it is happening, you do not
even realize it. One of my problems was
denial. I knew that I had a problem and
even had periods of sobriety over the
years, but for me to finally admit that
I was a full-blown alcoholic, took a huge
crash. Here I am today, sober one more day.
even realize it. One of my problems was
denial. I knew that I had a problem and
even had periods of sobriety over the
years, but for me to finally admit that
I was a full-blown alcoholic, took a huge
crash. Here I am today, sober one more day.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Originally Posted by yeahgr8 
So maybe it might be prudent to listen to someone other than you to change your direction?
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Originally Posted by yeahgr8
I mean in the real world as well as here.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Hello GMO. So, you have realized that moderation doesn't work for people with alcohol problems, and tapering is a false sense of "detox secutiry" which also doesn't work.
I tried both also. They really, really don't work and can get you in even deeper than before since you think you've "beat it once" but you really haven't
So the next option is to return back to where your were before moderation, which is not drinking at all.
You made it three months. Are you ready to give it another go?
It does get easier over time--
I think maybe what yeahgr8 is hinting at it that "nothing changes if nothing changes" so your tactic for not picking up a drink,
or letting your AV talk you into trying moderation needs to be rethought by you.
What will you do next time you are tempted?
What, in other words, is your new plan?
(The moderation thing is a big draw since giving up forever seems impossible at first.
It gets lots of us but the quicker you get back on the horse, as it were, the quicker you will be successful)
I tried both also. They really, really don't work and can get you in even deeper than before since you think you've "beat it once" but you really haven't
So the next option is to return back to where your were before moderation, which is not drinking at all.
You made it three months. Are you ready to give it another go?
It does get easier over time--
I think maybe what yeahgr8 is hinting at it that "nothing changes if nothing changes" so your tactic for not picking up a drink,
or letting your AV talk you into trying moderation needs to be rethought by you.
What will you do next time you are tempted?
What, in other words, is your new plan?
(The moderation thing is a big draw since giving up forever seems impossible at first.
It gets lots of us but the quicker you get back on the horse, as it were, the quicker you will be successful)
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Sneaky, sneaky...
...I still cannot figure out how I got here. I never set out to be a problem drinker/alcoholic (who has set sights on this?) and never thought I was, because...it was my birthday, your birthday, his birthday, her birthday...before I knew it somebody was celebrating a birthday every day And I love birthdays.
The route to 'here' is so sneaky.
Most important thing is the realization. That moment of clarity.
Sounds like you are on the road, my friend. Welcome to the forum. These people are lovely and can help keep you sane while on the crazy ride.
And I love birthdays.The route to 'here' is so sneaky.
Most important thing is the realization. That moment of clarity.
Sounds like you are on the road, my friend. Welcome to the forum.
These people are lovely and can help keep you sane while on the crazy ride. Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: US
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by GetMeOut
Every now and again I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or a picture and feel completely perplexed as to how I, I, became a friggin' alcoholic! If someone told me when I was a teenager this is how I'd end up, I would have laughed in his/her face.
The first time I tasted alcohol I was 14. One of my brothers let me taste his beer. I thought it was the nastiest, most repulsive thing I ever tasted. It wasn't until several years later I experienced my first buzz, and about 5 years after that I started doing a lot of drinking alone. I knew even then it was a bad sign, but I was young, I was healthy, I was invincible.
Fast forward 26 years and I can't believe how much of my life has passed me by. I can't believe this is how I ended up. I know, I know... its reality so deal with it. Just having one of those reflective moments...
The first time I tasted alcohol I was 14. One of my brothers let me taste his beer. I thought it was the nastiest, most repulsive thing I ever tasted. It wasn't until several years later I experienced my first buzz, and about 5 years after that I started doing a lot of drinking alone. I knew even then it was a bad sign, but I was young, I was healthy, I was invincible.
Fast forward 26 years and I can't believe how much of my life has passed me by. I can't believe this is how I ended up. I know, I know... its reality so deal with it. Just having one of those reflective moments...
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
@Hawkeye, I agree that moderation doesn't work. I know that and have known it for years. As I said, I just tend to forget at as time passes and I start to feel better, physically and mentally. The goal was/is always to return to where I was before I had the bright idea (yet again!) that I could moderate.
I would, however, disagree that tapering doesn't "work" because for what I needed, it absolutely did work. It prevented the worst symptoms of AWS which, as we know, are miserable at best and deadly at worst. Where I blew it was to get over-confident with the results and try moderating again. I would not be the first to try and fail at whatever method. Part of my plan, however, is to taper again. For personal reasons I cannot go into, hospitalization or rehab are out of the question for me.
Typically, my goal is to quit forever, particularly when I'm feeling at my lowest. Where the idea of moderation comes in is when I start thinking I should be able to be like everyone else. I tell myself that no one ever forced me to drink, which is true, and I should be able to force myself not to drink more than I should. I know from 26 years of experience that has never worked and never will but, for some reason, I never stop trying. It's frustrating as hell sometimes!
I would, however, disagree that tapering doesn't "work" because for what I needed, it absolutely did work. It prevented the worst symptoms of AWS which, as we know, are miserable at best and deadly at worst. Where I blew it was to get over-confident with the results and try moderating again. I would not be the first to try and fail at whatever method. Part of my plan, however, is to taper again. For personal reasons I cannot go into, hospitalization or rehab are out of the question for me.
Typically, my goal is to quit forever, particularly when I'm feeling at my lowest. Where the idea of moderation comes in is when I start thinking I should be able to be like everyone else. I tell myself that no one ever forced me to drink, which is true, and I should be able to force myself not to drink more than I should. I know from 26 years of experience that has never worked and never will but, for some reason, I never stop trying. It's frustrating as hell sometimes!
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hey Getmeout,
When I arrived at this site there were quite a few people talking about there being an enormous "difference between abstinence and recovery".
Honestly, I was like..."what?"
Now I know, after 19 Days committed to remaining sober, that there is, in fact, an enormous difference between the two.
I am curious...what are your thoughts?
When I arrived at this site there were quite a few people talking about there being an enormous "difference between abstinence and recovery".
Honestly, I was like..."what?"
Now I know, after 19 Days committed to remaining sober, that there is, in fact, an enormous difference between the two.
I am curious...what are your thoughts?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Two things that help me:
One, is that I count up how many years I spent drinking, attempting moderation, etc. (basically, not sober) and then I count up how many years I have left (assuming I live until age 80). I say... ok, so I gave it a go. I drank for about 13-15 years. I see some wreckage and some unintended consequences that I never want to repeat. Those times weren't all bad, but there were a lot of terrible times. I try to see it realistically. I see what I accomplished and what I didn't accomplish as well. See how I might have gotten sidetracked. Then whenever I get the feeling that you've described... the bright idea to try and moderate or have a few... I fast forward and make myself see all the negative consequences, in as much detail as possible. I know that if I choose to pick up that drink, that I risk wasting even more time, getting a DUI, ER, fight with husband, etc. And I have to go through this panorama of images to see what actually did happen, and what actually might happen if I try and drink.
Two, do I really need to be able to drink like the regular drinkers? Am I really missing out? The reality is that I will drink 1-2 drinks and get a slight buzz, then I'll continue to pound down drinks and go from slight buzz to drunk, then blackout. That's my usual. So what am I really missing? Not a good quality time, that's for sure. Not good memories that I'll recall later in life. So knowing I won't be able to look back on my 20's and early 30's and recall mostly good quality times is a very good motivator not to pick up another drink.
Quitting forever can sometimes mean quitting for today. I think a lot of people can't conceptualize both perspectives into a solidified whole. Yes, I hope to remain abstinent forever. But... I can focus on the now. Because that is really all I can do. We only have right now. And those moments just add up. I know this is silly and simplistic. But sometimes it's best to see it that way. Forever and tomorrow aren't "real" or tangible. But right now is.
Anyway... I hear a lot in your post I relate to. Just wanted to share a little of how I think at this moment in early-ish sobriety. Hope it helps in some way.
One, is that I count up how many years I spent drinking, attempting moderation, etc. (basically, not sober) and then I count up how many years I have left (assuming I live until age 80). I say... ok, so I gave it a go. I drank for about 13-15 years. I see some wreckage and some unintended consequences that I never want to repeat. Those times weren't all bad, but there were a lot of terrible times. I try to see it realistically. I see what I accomplished and what I didn't accomplish as well. See how I might have gotten sidetracked. Then whenever I get the feeling that you've described... the bright idea to try and moderate or have a few... I fast forward and make myself see all the negative consequences, in as much detail as possible. I know that if I choose to pick up that drink, that I risk wasting even more time, getting a DUI, ER, fight with husband, etc. And I have to go through this panorama of images to see what actually did happen, and what actually might happen if I try and drink.
Two, do I really need to be able to drink like the regular drinkers? Am I really missing out? The reality is that I will drink 1-2 drinks and get a slight buzz, then I'll continue to pound down drinks and go from slight buzz to drunk, then blackout. That's my usual. So what am I really missing? Not a good quality time, that's for sure. Not good memories that I'll recall later in life. So knowing I won't be able to look back on my 20's and early 30's and recall mostly good quality times is a very good motivator not to pick up another drink.
Quitting forever can sometimes mean quitting for today. I think a lot of people can't conceptualize both perspectives into a solidified whole. Yes, I hope to remain abstinent forever. But... I can focus on the now. Because that is really all I can do. We only have right now. And those moments just add up. I know this is silly and simplistic. But sometimes it's best to see it that way. Forever and tomorrow aren't "real" or tangible. But right now is.
Anyway... I hear a lot in your post I relate to. Just wanted to share a little of how I think at this moment in early-ish sobriety. Hope it helps in some way.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Originally Posted by LeTheVerte
When I arrived at this site there were quite a few people talking about there being an enormous "difference between abstinence and recovery".
Now I know, after 19 Days committed to remaining sober, that there is, in fact, an enormous difference between the two.
I am curious...what are your thoughts?
Now I know, after 19 Days committed to remaining sober, that there is, in fact, an enormous difference between the two.
I am curious...what are your thoughts?
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
@SoberJennie, your post did help and doesn't sound silly at all. One thing I (try to) keep telling myself whenever I think I can moderate, or feel envious of those who can drink without issue, is that if I have to put so much thought and energy into finding a way to do it then that in and of itself is an indication that I still won't be able to handle it. It's still going to be a problem. Seriously, I lose sleep over it when I get into that frame of mind! That should be enough to show me that it's as dumb an idea as it ever was.
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