considerthis

Hi everyone,

New to this site and first-time poster. Never thought I would find myself on a site like this.

A few months ago I started dating someone. Right from the start some alarm bells went off about her drinking, but I justified each incident. Then last week, after she drank a bottle and a half of wine on the beach, just the two of us, then continued drinking at dinner, something clicked for me. I decided I could not have a future with someone who was possibly an alcoholic.

I confronted her a couple days later about her drinking (both sober). She listened pretty quietly and then broke up with me, stating that she felt betrayed and that she could no longer trust me (because in giving specifics about her drinking I referenced some things that she told me about). She does not think she has a problem.

I really, really liked this person, and I feel terrible that I hurt her. Really terrible. Anyway, the reason I'm posting is that I'm hoping someone can tell me that I did the right thing, that I'm not wrong about the warning signs. I know I can google some of this stuff, and I did before I confronted her, but I wanted to hear it from real people who have seen this first hand. Here are the signs and some of her justifications:

- high tolerance
- drinking and driving (says she "feels fine" and "knows her limits".)
- usually doesn't stop at one drink
- always excited for activities where alcohol will be the focus (says this is just who she is. she likes to be social)
- will forget things we talked about when drinking
- lots of stories about drinking
- previous partners into drugs/alcohol
- brother worried about her drinking (brother is just exaggerating)
- encourages others to drink when she does
- eyes are always looking for the waiter when her drink is low
- seems immediately more relaxed when she has her first drink
- drinks alone

Obviously, anyone of these things could be a misread on my part or have a reasonable explanation. I've probably done every one of these things at some point in my life (except drinking and driving) but combined I think there is a problem.

She is very driven and goal-oriented and has a very good job, takes very good care of herself, and is very sweet. She is never mean when she drinks. She does not skip out on things to drink. She is in very good shape and maintains her workouts. Her friends don't think she has a problem and no partner has ever accused her of having a problem.

I am hurting very much from the breakup, and do feel like I betrayed her trust. But in the long run did I dodge a bullet? Is her breaking up with me and not acknowledging the problem more about her than me? Cause she has made me feel like a terrible person.

Thanks.

inpieces314

What she thinks about her drinking is her problem.

What you think about her drinking (and how it affects, or could affect you) is your problem.

If you have a problem, then that is the end of it. At this point, your boundaries are strong, you know what you want and don't want, and you know whether you could handle something like an alcoholic in the relationship.

Alcoholism is progressive, and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets. Every single time. So assuming that is what she is, and I don't know because I don't know her, she will get worse. She will break down your boundaries, make you do things you never thought you would, make you put up with things that she does that she never thought you would, etc. It doesn't matter that she is nice NOW, that will change.

Personally, I do think you dodged a bullet, and I commend you for standing up to her now rather than later, after too much damage has been done. So many times, we have forgotten that we didn't have to put up with what has been done to us, and we stay, for a myriad of reasons.

And she will make you feel bad about it, that is manipulation-and all alcoholics are excellent at it. It's like they take a grad course in it or something. But it doesn't matter-it's about the way YOU feel, not HER. If you feel that you cannot be in a relationship with an alcoholic, it is best to end it.

azbluesgal

your gut reaction rules. don't mistrust it. besides, you were kind and diplomatic. if you can't be honest with someone at the get go, it's not going to be easier if it gets serious like adding kids (oops) to the relationship. oh yeah, and knowing its hard - don't let your gonads rule you either.

FeelingGreat

Hi, welcome to SR. Alcoholic here, although sober for a couple of years. I related to most of the things in your list, excluding the ex-boyfriends. The looking for the waiter bit really resonated, and one reason I like being sober is I can relax in those situations without always monitoring my drink level and hoping someone tops it up.
There are all sorts of arguments about what constitutes an alcoholic, but the main thing is you know her level of drinking is unacceptable for you. She's way above recommended levels for physical and mental health and you've got good instincts in getting out now.

considerthis

I guess my biggest fear is that I misread all the signs and she doesn't actually have a problem. In which case I ruined something that could have been really good.

She treated me well and honestly, she was a fun time to drink with. We had many good conversations over a couple glasses of wine. Only the drinking and driving would have been a deal breaker at this point and maybe that could have been addressed.

It's just that my mind went into over-drive and I began to wonder if down the road the problem would get worse. ugh. I am seriously questioning myself this morning.

And I actually suggested to her that if there really isn't a problem then we should keep seeing each other and seeing where it goes. But she said the damage is done and it's over.

considerthis

Thanks, FeelingGreat.

I could actually tolerate her level of drinking a few months into dating her. Except the drinking and driving. But I was worried that I might not know the extent of her drinking and that I was getting into something long-term with a problem drinker.

But what is making me feel terrible is that if she stopped the driving, and could keep her drinking to what it currently is (assuming I know the full extent), then maybe it didn't have to be such a big deal??!?

I'm just really hurting over being dumped and trying not to go back begging to her with my tail between my legs.

azbluesgal

well it probably won't help, but please use the right head to make your decisions. don't let your pheremones rule your life either. even worse than alcohol.

SoloMio

I think a lot of your points are very valid red flags. All spoke to me and these in particular:

- encourages others to drink when she does
- eyes are always looking for the waiter when her drink is low
- seems immediately more relaxed when she has her first drink

This is very typical behavior for my AH, and it might be a "so what" but it affects me in that the attention is very much diverted from me/our relationship when drinking has to be at the center.

What if you say, "let's go hiking this weekend," would she be less interested because hiking is the activity, not sitting at a bar? If so, it can really stunt your experiences as a couple if the centerpiece always has to be alcohol. Obviously in normal relationships, drinking can serve as a social lubricant or be one part of the experience. For instance, you both may go to a music venue to a) enjoy the music and b) to drink. But As will participate in the activity BECAUSE they have access to alcohol.

Also, her reaction to your honest discussion is typical deflection ("I can't trust you"). If she were really listening to you she would address your concerns and not write off the whole conversation by taking the offensive. Man, my AH does that ALL THE TIME. He did it last night with my son, who is 36 years old and who is now pulling away from his father because of it. It's a shame. If AH had the capacity to simply listen and respond, he could save the relationship, but it's in big trouble right now.

Ability to communicate honestly without manipulation is a cornerstone for a healthy relationship, so inability to do that is in itself a red flag, with or without alcohol.

Good luck to you.

Live

Oh, how I wish I would have heeded those early warnings. I will bet a lot of us do!

I think you have dodged a bullet.

I know you are hurting now, but life with an alcoholic is constant pain and confusion, hurt piled upon hurt. You really do not want that life.

Katchie

The damage is done and it's over? What damage? Simply bringing it up and asking where she's at in regards to her alcohol consumption is damage done? To me she sounds awfully sensitive for someone who doesn't have a problem. Also, as an adult in a relationship with someone you have feelings for, one would think if one valued that relationship you would want to make every effort to show there isn't a problem and work through it, not just abruptly hang it up. This doesn't sound like good relationship material. Life doesn't hand us roses without thorns.
I wish I had seen the signs of my husband's addiction when I met him in college, but I didnt. I didn't for years and it progressed to the point after 22 years of marriage and 4 sons I almost left him a couple months back. He placed our family in potential legal trouble as well as putting my children's lives at risk by driving them under the influence. There is a lot of pain involved with all of that for every family member. Go with your gut instinct on this one and thank the Lord you have saved yourself and future family such heartache.

considerthis

Katchie, the "damage" being that when I pointed to the specifics of her drinking, I referenced things she had told me about her past. e.g. the concern her brother had about her drinking, past exes and friends who over-used substances. She feels that she told me these personal things and I have thrown them back in her face. From my perspective, I was trying to give her examples of why I was concerned about her drinking.

Now she doesn't trust me to tell me anything personal about herself. She said if we tried again it would be a waste of time and she would never be fully into the relationship again (i.e. always looking to leave).

kudzujean

She did you a favor.

Sorry you are hurting now, but someday you'll look back and be glad it didn't go any further.

53500

Let's say for the sake of argument she tells you she will never drink and drive again and you reconcile. How do you monitor her promise? Do you want a relationship that depends upon an ultimatum?

IMO you dodged a bullet. Don't go back and stand in its path.

dandylion

considerthis---over the years, I have seen many relationships "destroyed"---more like, come to a halt---when a persons drinking habits have come into question. It is a risk that one takes when deciding to be honest with another person about this.

If you care--really care--about another person...I think you have no choice but to voice your concerns to them. I'm talking about those in your very close circle--either family or good friends. Frequenty, they will be pissed or cut you off for a while...or forever.
Sometimes, they will come around later and thank you for being the only one who cared enough to be honest with them.
It is my opinion that you have no choice but to be honest. To be dishonest is to participate in sweeping a monster under the rug that will eventually emerge to bite everyone concerned.

I have had several instances where a friend was going through a period of alcohol abuse---it was when I and other friends said: "Hey, dude..what gives?" "You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself" These people took a look at themselves and said "I need to change this!" And, did.

It all depends on the person--what reaction they will take. But, you have to be honest or the relationship will go south, anyway.

So sorry....considerthis..this is never an easy thing. Every situation has a potential lesson for learning.....Ugh!!

dandylion

considerthis

Thanks so much Dandylion.

Is her not acknowledging the problem and making me out to be the bad guy something that problem drinkers/alcoholics commonly do? I feel like the bad guy here whereas she could have thought about her drinking and maybe come to the table to talk about it, instead of dumping me.

Instead she said "this is just the way I am", "have you seen people with real alcohol problems?!" "you haven't been through what I've been through", "I would never hurt anyone and never will", "things could have been different if you had said something earlier...I would never have drank around you", "I like to drink doesn't make me an alcoholic".

suki44883

Absolutely! Addicts are great at turning the tables and making us think that WE have the problem, not them. I know you care for her, but this woman is an alcoholic and alcoholism is progressive. She will not get better, she will get worse unless she finally admits that she has a problem and seeks help.

She did you a huge favor breaking up with you. I don't believe for a moment she was angry because you mentioned things she told you. She was angry because you questioned her drinking. I know whereof I speak because I am a recovering alcoholic.

NorthofWest

you dodged a bullet for sure.
a lot of those red flags sound very familiar with what i went through with the person i was involved with.

he drove drunk to my apartment one night after i begged him over the phone to take a cab. He reassured me that he only had a couple drinks, that he knows his limits, THAT HE HAD A DUI IN THE PAST AND WOULDNT RISK GETTING ANOTHER (after some internet searching, i learned he had TWO duis). He showed up that night at my apartment with a shot of whiskey in his hand. I should have known then that he had a problem.
He would also turn the tables on me. Everything was my fault. I remember one time we agreed that i would go to his place at a certain time. I took the train (we live in a big city) to his part of town and waited at the stop for 30 minutes but he never showed. It wasn't until 45 minutes later that i was walking back to my apartment that i got a text from him turning it on me and saying he had been asleep and 'why wouldnt you call?' (i had texted him).....like it was MY fault he couldnt be there at the agreed upon time. Looking back, i dont think he was asleep. I think he was with another girl. And REALLY thinking about it, i always found myself wondering why he was always putting in the effort/going out with party girls and kept me at arms length......it was because i am not much of a drinker. like, rarely drink. He surrounds himself with people who enable his behavior.
and his tolerance was scarily high. The last time i saw him, i knew he had been drinking for hours and he had seemed so...normal.

i know it hurts now, but in the long run, you are better off not getting involved.

Katchie

Consider...yes, my husband use to deflect in that way. Sometimes he would quit for a few weeks only to say,"see, I don't have a problem. Look how long I've gone without drinking with no problem. Besides, I enjoy a good beer." Then he would resume and over a short period of time it became worse. When an alcoholic is in the midst of their addiction, bringing the possibility of their habit being a problem is fighting words they need to build a defense against and you become the enemy. You get between them and their first love.
A lot of folks have given you excellent advice based on experience that I hope helps you feel confident in your decision. Read up on alcoholism including all of the stickies at the top of the friends and family forum. You seem like a great guy--there is an equally great woman out there without this problem that will grow into a devastating monster.

redatlanta

T

"this is just the way I am", "have you seen people with real alcohol problems?!" "you haven't been through what I've been through"


Those are textbook excuses. I particularly like "have you seen people with real alcohol problems"? I sure have. And they sound like her. This is classic blame shifting to prove that alcohol is not an issue - like as long as someone isn't a "laying in the gutter homeless alcoholic" then they don't have a problem.

So here is what you know - if you had continued a relationship with this woman whenever you had issues with her or the relationship this is how she deals with those. This person (like most A's) can't deal with any criticism even if its accurate.

And secondly she just screamed at the top of her lungs to you where you stand in the line of priority. Alcohol comes first - you got that right? Because she broke up with you so she could continue the relationship that means the most.

Buddy, you dodged a major bullet.

peaceofpi

Redatlanta is right.

Your GF has a lover; his name is Mr. Vino. You expressed concern about her relationship with Mr. Vino. She does not want to break up with him, so she broke up with you. And blamed you in the process.