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New here, 25 and confused yet confident about sobriety

Old 05-17-2014, 09:17 PM
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New here, 25 and confused yet confident about sobriety

Hello everyone,

Just would like to say that although this is my first post, I have already read many of your threads and posts here and they have been very helpful. I thank you all for that.

I am 25 years old, and once midnight hits I'll be 22 days sober. This was a long time coming... Although I had a really hard time admitting that I had a problem drinking. 90% of the time I would be totally fine. I would be able to have wine or a beer with dinner, enjoy a drink with friends or family, or even a few more and be fine. The rest of the time I was just not able to stop. On the weekends, if it was a long day of drinking, I would keep up with those around me, usually bigger people than me and also men. I didn't seem to notice that I was drinkkng faster and more than every other female friend that was around or over. I am taller for a girl and weigh 130 pounds, and on a typical weekend day / night of drinking I would sometimes have more than 10 - 15 drinks. Some how I would justify this because it was over a long period of time or whatever. It was unhealthy and because of this habit I've now lost several friendships and more recently my relationship with my boyfriend.

Blackouts wouldn't be uncommon for me on these days. Aggression and kind of this "tough girl" attitude would emerge, and that is what would cause me problems. On a bad night, something simple like getting bumped in a bar or a drunk guy spilling beer would set me off. Also insignificant comments or actions by my boyfriend would make me extremely sad or angry. I got either physical with him or toward myself several times, and I can't say that I didn't break a phone or two in the process.

Last October, one of these bad nights turned extra bad when the police were called on me because I was basically going bizeark on my quiet street. After that night I was told by my boyfriend that if something like this happened again, he would leave me. I made a semi attempt to work in my problem. I went to tgerapy for three sessions, but was not able to give up drinking when she asked if I thought I could, even for only a few weeks. I worked on "moderation" and for a while I did well with only having a few drinks at parties or out with friends. I began to get comfortable, I stopped going to therapy, and slowly the drinking wine each night with dinner made it eaiser to again drink more on the weekends.

Fast forward to the day before this easter. Friends were in town and an all day drinking day was in order. The weather was nice and we were all enjoying ourselves. Underlying issues and insecurities about my relationship had been bothering me, and I had been planning to have a talk with my boyfriend and hopefully settle things and get me feeling better about things. Unfortunately this didn't happen before this day. I began with wine and probably had a bottle and a half or two. I had a few beers after that, and eventually we headed to the bar where I drank harpoon IPA's, probabaly 3 of them. Then one more light beer. This is what I think at least. Eventually when it came time to leave, this is where my memory begins to fail me. Long story short, that aggression mixed with underlying feelings came out full force. Police yet again got called, and I was close to being arrested. The boyfriend did as he said he would, and he left me.

A week later is when I have up drinking, I only had a few drinks between the incident and then. It began to sink in for me how serious this all was. I hate so much that I wasnt able to realize this all sooner. Two days after I stopped drinking I went back to my old therapist to give it another more committed try. She asked if I could give up drinking till the next time I saw her in two weeks, and this time I did not hesitate. Since I have been doing a lot of reading, research and reflection. I decided I wanted to do a "30" as they suggest in moderation management. That will be Memorial Day. I have decided that I will remain sober after that. Since giving it up it has been easy. I don't get cravings, I am still able to spend time with friends and be around alcohol, and I am enjoying waking up on a Saturday or Sunday not hungover.

This is where my confusion sets it. I know that I've always had a tendency toward aggression when I am really really drunk. In college I broke a bone in my hand, I've gotten in other stupid arguments and fights with random people, and of course more recently the issues I had with my now ex-boyfriend. I don't know if I am a person who truly needs to leave alcohol behind for good or if I would be able to drink normally and enjoy a drink or two from time to time. Then I think, why even bother? I know I can't be a person that should ever drink in excess, but can I be a person who can have a drink with dinner, and is it even worth it.

I have decided that I absolutely will not even consider drinking until I feel totally in control of my emotions, feelings, and am happy again. I have been extremely down because of the break up, and it's been hard to enjoy the sobriety because if it. He was a heavy drinker too, and many if not all of out issues stemmed from things that we would each do that hurt the other when we were drinking. Either way, although he says he still loves me he says that it's too late, and doesn't trust that this won't happen again; which really hurts the most. I do feel confident in my sobriety, and confident that I will never drink again like I had. I wish I had been able to come to this in October, but I had an extremely hard time admitting I had an issue. My father was (is I guess if you go by that rule) and alcoholic but has been sober for over 15 years. I have a genetic disposition to alcoholism, so although I didn't have a low bottom or wasn't drinking every day or felt I needed to drink, I am beginging to believe that I am too an alcoholic. Again, this is where my confusion is. Also, I am having a hard time with beating myself up over these mistakes. I am hurt that someone who loves me is unable to be with me now and support me. I know I violated his trust, but I wish he could see how hard it was for me to admit this problem.

Sorry for the short novel. I am just hoping for some perspective, hopefully some of you have perhaps been in this same situation of confusion. Alcohol has caused me a lot of probelms. I am beginning to think it really would be best to leave t forever. I have read others posts about the difficulties of giving up alcohol I. Your 20s and also read the reaponces about how people wish they had.

I am looking forward to being part of this community. Thank you all in advance.
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Old 05-17-2014, 09:26 PM
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Welcome LKl2252 to SR. You will find a lot of support here

I first realised I had a problem at 24 after my long term boyfriend fulfilled his promise to leave me. Like you a lot of anger rose when I was drunk, when I had no apparent tendencies towards it sober.

Well done on 22 days, you're doing great! Try not to think too much about your future with alcohol just now and stay sober a day at a time
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Old 05-17-2014, 09:27 PM
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Welcome, LKL!

I certainly know that I can never drink again. I even plan to work on my sobriety every day for the rest of my life.
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Old 05-17-2014, 10:06 PM
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I am a "high bottom" as well, young also (21), alcoholism/addiction runs in my family. I work the AA program so a lot of what I say will come from that, just FYI. Anyway, part of me still wonders if I'm serious enough to need help, if I can go back out and control my drinking. Today I was asked if I had tried "controlled drinking" and my answer was immediately NO, that I didn't want to do that. When prompted why, I confessed that I didn't want to find out what would happen, I was scared of what I might do or if I would even be able to do it. They pointed out that most people wouldn't be scared at the prospect of only one drink. I am. That revealed a lot to me. Even though there were times I had one drink, or periods where I didn't drink at all, there were many where I would drink to blackout even if it wasn't my intention. It's a progressive disease and it will escalate over time. Look back and see if you notice progression in your drinking history. My sponsor had to point out my marked (and rather quick) progression. I had never noticed.

Alcohol changes who I am as a person, sober or drunk. I lost a lot of myself mentally when I crossed over into dangerous drinking territory. I became violent, suicidal, manipulative, even more depressed, even more anxious, even more detached. That was my bottom. I'm a successful student, never in trouble legally, never lost anything tangible, I don't have the war stories. Maybe I could learn to control myself as I get older. But there's also a chance that I will never be able to and I'll ride that elevator all the way down. For a host of reasons, that's a risky gamble for me to take and it isn't worth it. My entertainment of the idea of drinking again is proof of my mental obsession.

I hope you find what you're looking for here. I'm fairly new and already it's nice to have people who are helpful and to skim threads and relate. Look for the similarities, not the differences. Still working on that myself. Don't overwhelm yourself with "the rest of your life" thoughts. The next right thing, one day at a time. Congrats on 22 days! x
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Old 05-17-2014, 11:23 PM
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I can't go back in time and convince my 25 year-old self to stop. I'd say I wish I could, but I have learned not to indulge in that kind of wishful thinking anymore. I don't regret the past or wish to shut the door on it, as the saying goes.
I'd like to be helpful to you. I don't think I would have listened to anyone at 25. Maybe you are more willing to listen then I was. My drinking (and drunk behavior) was very similar to yours at that age. I even broke my hand in college too. I didn't consider stopping. For many years most of the time drinking wasn't a problem. A fight here and there, blackouts, embarrassments, but nothing to make me really consider giving up alcohol. How could I when it was such a big part of my life? It was intertwined with everything, good times and bad. Always an occasion to drink. Beer turned to wine, wine turned to martinis and scotch. Towards the end it turned into whatever was strongest and cheapest, washing down the various pills I was taking to help with my "anxiety" and "sleep problems." Life went on, graduate degree, decent job, marriage. In retrospect I always settled for less than. I didn't have the career or the marriage I should have. I wasn't the person I could have been. Still the prevailing thought that it was everything else but the alcohol. The denial is incredible, as is the desire to protect your ability to keep drinking. Unfortunately things got worse. When faced with life's problems I had no way of coping other than a drink. My solution became the biggest problem.
You have everything to gain by letting go now. You have nothing to lose. The one or two drinks at dinner is not worth it. Reflect very honestly. Do you really want one drink? No, you want to be able to have one drink and enjoy it and feel comfortable like you see other people, but you probably know that just doesn't happen for you. I respectfully don't think it is about emotions or situations or taking a temporary break. Alcohol is a substance that is going to flow through your body and effect you in a certain way. You can't change that.
The thing that you probably can't see now is that alcohol is absolutely not necessary to your life. It is sad how we want to embrace it, when it has nothing but misery in store. Have you ever woken up and regretted not drinking the night before? If you quit now and look back you will never regret it. Please, please just walk away now. It won't get any better or easier.
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Old 05-18-2014, 05:18 AM
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Everyone thank you so much for your reaponces. It is really so helpful. I know I should be going more day by day and not be so worried with what the future may hold. Zeroptzero, thank you for being honest, it helps me to realize that it really is about the alcohol and not what's going on. I am scared for what would happen if I continued to drink, what kind of life I would have if I became that's out of control when I had kids or something like that. Right now I'm working on my masters and I have a great job and also military career. It makes it hard for me to admit that I have a problem, but I know that I do. Thanks everyone.
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Old 05-18-2014, 09:40 AM
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Welcome Lkl2252, glad you found your way here.
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Old 05-18-2014, 09:56 AM
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Welcome to the family and congrats on 22 days sober!
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