Ginna637

My fiance (until yesterday) broke up with me via text while is in rehab. He has been there for (4) months and went there when I threw him out of my home for drinking and lying to me about it. At first he was very angry with me, but after I wrote to him and explained why I had to do it, he became a little more receptive and eventually became the loving man that I knew. Our letters to each other were full of I love you's, I miss you, etc. I was approaching a time in my life when I needed surgery that we had discussed while we were living together, and he wanted me to keep him informed as to the date. After he sent me again another beautiful loving letter, he stopped writing. I was calling the rehab weekly to check on his progress. He is in a Christian facility 900 miles away, and could not call me due to the fact that I am not immediate family or his wife yet. The man who ran the house that he was in, always informed me that he was doing great. He always told him when I called. I asked him to let him know of my surgery date, and asked if he could please call me due to this. I was directed to call another gentleman who would be able to help me with that. I spoke ti him, and he informed me that he would speak to my fiance', and call back the next day and he would have an answer. I called the next day only to be told by him, that my fiance' did not want to call me, but that he was praying for me. Of course, this upset me terribly.I told the gentleman that I felt as if I was in limbo, as I did not understand why my fiance' has stopped all communication with me. I though that perhaps I overwhelmed him as with my last letter to him, I had included my last will leaving him everything, and even naming him beneficiary on my insurance policy. He said that he would try to speak with him, and if he acquired his permission he would call me back. He never did. This facility is an all male facility concentrating on the teachings of the bible to combat addiction. There are three steps to this year long commitment. The safe house being the first step, the restoration house, where they go for 40 days, and then DLC which is like a step down, where the men live with about 6 men per house, and take care of themselves, having a little more freedom. during the safe house and restoration stay, all cell phones and TVs are not permitted. There is no medical supervision there, only spiritual leaders offering individual and group counseling. My fiance has been there before and left the program after only completing 5 months of the 12 month program. He has now been there for 4 months and has been passed over to go to restoration twice. They are only sent there when the facility feels that they are ready. He does work daily there as a carpenter, working long days, and then going to bible study and counseling sessions. His day may end at 10 PM. With all this being said, I found out that he was given his phone back with restrictions. I texted him to ask if we were over. He didn't answer. I continued to text and finally got my answer. He said that we were over,and that he was moving on with his life! How do you move on with your life in a rehab???? I have been so supportive of him during all of this. I've sent food, gifts, vitamins, and even handled all his issues like health insurance, and renewal of his drivers license. He could not renew it in PA with an out of state address so I just found out that he has a NC drivers license now. I paid all of his PA fines in order for him to have that made possible. I am hurt and upset. He has 7 months to finish this program. Why in the world would he break up with me? His last later told of his love for me, and how he missed me! If he had to concentrate on himself, why didn't he just say that? Does anyone have any advice? Our relationship spanned his alcoholism, sober stage, alcoholism, and now sober again, so it's not that we had a relationship in one stage of this. The owner of the facility did tell me that he left 2 years ago to be with me, but told me that throwing him out saved his life. He also told me that if he wanted to come home again to dissuade him as he has to finish this program. I agreed. Could the facility be telling him to stay away from me?

inpieces314

Sometimes they (rehabs) do that, it's not good to focus on the relationship when sobriety comes first. Chances are, they read the letter you just sent him with the will and insurance stuff, and they had some big talk about it and decided he wasn't ready for such a commitment when he is just starting out in his sobriety.

Or, maybe not. Maybe he was using you to do everything for him, and has no need for you anymore. I am not trying to be callous-I was in the same situation as you a couple of years ago-I did everything for the ABF while he was in rehab, and I mean EVERYTHING, and it meant nothing to him.

I know it's hard. Stop talking to him, stop calling him, DO NOT give him ANYTHING else, TAKE HIM OFF the life insurance policy and the will. Do that first, like today, that is very important and if something happens to you, he gets it all, and if he doesn't want to be with you, he is not entitled to it. And if you guys sometime down the line decide to get back together, you can always change it back.

He'll find out how much harder it is to get through rehab when there is no food/outside help.

dandylion

Ginna--I have no way of knowing for sure, of course. I have a strong feeling that he has been told that he needs to focus EXCLUSIVELY on himself in order to protect his sobriety. That his sobriety takes top priority over ALL things. I am just taking my best guess on this.

The issue is---what are you going to do with you?

I completely get that you must be feeling that the rug has been pulled from beneath you. You have invested so much into him and entangled his life with yours to such a great extent.

The support of other understanding persons who have been through this same thing is essential for you right now. You need LOTS of support! In the end, you have no control over what he is thinking or feeling. He has the right (free will) to do anything he decides that he wants to. Of, course, that applies to you, also!! It applies to all of us.

I know you must be feeling completely hornswaggled. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

You will get through this with help from your friends (and higher power).

You are not alone.

dandylion

Katchie

Hi Gina

I'm sorry you're so hurt...big hugs! What an awful time for you as well as confusing. Based on all I've learned in a short period of time, inpieces is right, you need to halt doing things for him he should be doing for himself anyway. Perhaps while he is in rehab you should take your focus off him and put it on yourself and healing you. I can only imagine the past hurts you've experienced because of his addiction. I hope you are going to Alanon and working thru your own recovery that way when he returns, should he still want to be married, you both will be in a healthier place. Should he return but still feel the same not wanting to pick the relationship up, then you will be more able to handle that.
As rotten of a deal as you're being handed, please change your focus now to making a healthier you.

dandylion

dandylion---it is entirely possible that by the time he comes out of rehab--provided he makes it for a whole year--YOU may be the one who does not want to continue the relationship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

love4menotu

^^^this. It's happened to me. And it took exactly one year.

Ginna637

Thanks everyone. I am working on myself. I haven't attended an Alanon meeting but I do intend to. I'm not waiting around for him, and if some man is interested in me I definitely will begin to date again. I understand that the focus needs to be on himself but he could have been much kinder to me by at least expressing that and not breaking up with me. I do not hold any malice against him and I hope that he gets well. I too, have a lot of work to do on myself, both emotionally and physically and I intend to. I needed to vent and share my story as I was wondering if anyone else experienced the same or similar thing. Love4menotu you started that this happened to you. What took one year? Please share. Thanks.

love4menotu

I spent a year working on myself after my marriage to an abusive man ended. Therapy, meditation, alanon and prayer. What I found was that I was the sick one. I focused on the things that I had done, the choices I had made when I met and married this man. I ignored red flags that a normal person would not ignore.

In my old psyche I did things for him because I wanted to please him... Make him happy. When the truth is no one but himself can do that and vice versa. You can't fix anyone just yourself.

Now I do things for others if I want to, and if it makes me feel good, with no expectations.

And now I don't want him. He's not good for me.

biminiblue

It sounds to me as if he has done you a huge favor. He has shown that he is not in a place to be in a relationship right now.

He was honest, it isn't any more complicated than that. Let it go. All breakups are confusing, not just ones that happen from rehab. It will take you some time, but you'll come to see that this is for the best.

One day at a time.

CarryThatWeight

I'm so sorry you're going through this. This program he's in may not be entirely healthy, and they may be influencing his behavior. Distancing people from outside influences--radio, TV, phones, etc.--is one of the tactics cults use to isolate their members. Not trying to sound alarmist, but the program you've described and the fact that it uses the Bible and no medical supervision is a red flag. I have experience with one of these type of programs personally and know of several others. I do agree with previous posters, in that you can't change his mind, or really even do anything to help him at this point. He is an adult, and he is making his own choices. You must take care of you now. Perhaps when he is separated from this group, whether by leaving prematurely or graduating, he will reevaluate his life at that point and decide what is right for him. He may be unable to do that right now. Regardless, don't wait around. Take him off your insurance, out of your will, and find some other support for your upcoming surgery. You deserve better than this. Best wishes to you.

MesaMan

My immediate reaction to the OP was one of alarm. Indeed, distancing Folks from prior influences - not all of which statistically can be 'bad' - and putting in such long Work hours are tactics used by Scientology; the 'Moonies'; and a Group that tried to nab me once in San Francisco: 'Children Of God'. An alt explanation prior is that your BF's 'Inner Self' sensed, and feared, this over-control, and bolted from the Program before completion. Lawd knows I would have. From a pragmatic POV, where else now does he have to go?

While easier to say than do, you shouldn't beat yourself up over him not being the same, or breaking it off in Rehab. To gain small privileges, and move 'up' to other steps, appears to involve pleasing those in charge. Further, it sounds as if once he was trusted to regurgitate the Party Line, he was 'allowed' to tell you himself that he was done with you. His Handlers controlled the message to/from you. This is identical to mechanisms employed in Scientology.

You likely will find a very different Person returning to you. A subset of this very possibly will be that he's now sober and remains that way. However, so long a Program with such control factors in place will have molded him into what this Rehab Program expects, and creates in it's 'Graduates'. It will be inordinately painful for you, I'm guessing, to see these changes first hand and not be able to 'punch through' the Programming to the essential former Person. This same painfulness is a common experience for Relatives of Scientology Recruits where Alcohol/Drugs are not involved.

I'm an old dude. The details you outline, assuming they're accurate, lead to the outcome I'm suggesting. This sort of re-programming has been around for a very long time. I will accept that this sort of Rehab was '100% positive' in all aspects when you report back in and tell us so; regardless of your personal, Romantic interests. This sort of captive, long-term Rehab is what it takes for some Folks.

Frankly, you sound like a great and caring Gal whose 'mistake' is only that of following your Heart. Separating Financially and Legally [by rewriting your Will] is the easy part. Separating emotionally from a re-Programmed, vulnerable Person will be a rough ride, and I wish you well.

The Film 'Starman' is an interesting look at a Person who's not at all what he was before, and subsequently appears to be. It would be interesting for you to watch, and see what you might be in for.

AnvilheadII

change your will and change your beneficiary. i'm not sure what you were thinking there Ginna, unless you were trying to ENTICE him into responding to you?? you went from giving this man virtually everything to asking him via text if you two were over to saying you plan to date again right away in a pretty short period of time.

maybe take a NO MAN time out for YOU. learn to be ok without one! all that nice stuff you did for your fiance? start doing that FOR YOU. take CARE of you.

Ginna637

MesaMan - Thank you so much for your up-front, common sense reply. You were able to put all of my thoughts about this facility into your message. I too felt that he had to cut ties with me in order to move to the next step as he was passed over twice to move forward. You are correct that this is a difficult emotional situation for me. I did everything that I possibly could to support him and help him become the person that he wanted to be. I loved and encouraged him but apparently that wasn't enough. My fear is that he will choose to not come back to PA, but instead stay in NC to live. I also felt that all our correspondence was monitored. I just had that feeling, although I have nothing else to base it on, but a gut feeling. I am trying to move forward with my life doing all that I can to be a better person to me. I have not contacted him and do not intend to. I will not send him his small amount of things that are here, as I feel that I have done enough. He knows they are here, and if they are so important to him, he can send someone to retrieve them. Once again, thank you so much. You state that you're an "old dude" He is 52 and I am 60. We're not young either. I will certainly check out that movie. I appreciate you!

Ginna637

Anvilhead- Thank you for your reply. I didn't do it to entice him. We were engaged, and if anything happened to me, I wanted him to have a home to call his own as he never did, and isn't that what husbands and wives for for each other, provide security? Yes I pushed the envelope and wanted an answer as he was writing to me once a week, and his last letter stated that he would start writing twice a week, and then suddenly I didn't hear from him for 5 weeks. He wanted to know the date of my surgery and asked to know as soon as I did, but as soon as I informed the facility of that to give him the information, and requested a phone call, as I wanted to hear his voice before I went in, he refused to call me. Of course, I wanted to know why, I was very confused and hurt. I never stated in any of my posts that I will date again. I stated that I was moving on, and by that I meant to take care of myself both physically and emotionally to heal from this. I am not afraid to be alone as I was alone for ten years prior to this relationship only dating occasionally. I hold a very responsible position in one of the largest hospitals in Philadelphia, and just acquired my college degree in 2011. I am 60 years old.You're never too old to work on yourself, and I continue to learn new things daily. I have no animosity towards him and I pray that he gets well even if that means that I am not in his life. The heart wants what the heart wants, unfortunately we don't have any control over that. I hope that someday he can look back and realize that I did what I did for him out of love and concern. Insomuch as this was difficult for me, I still feel blessed to have shared a part of my life with him, as he is a wonderful man, who just has a big problem.

m1k3

Gina, I know this sounds harsh but say thank you and move on. I was married for 36 years to an alcoholic and you just dodged a bullet. Be glad you weren't married when all of this happened as it makes things much more complicated.

Go to Al Anon and start working on making your life better.

Your friend,

Ginna637

Thanks Mike. Those our my intentions. I appreciate you.

littlesister1

Sorry to say but the religious aspect bothers me
It's all about control and brainwashing IMO

AnvilheadII

I never stated in any of my posts that I will date again.

then i must have misunderstood this statement:

and if some man is interested in me I definitely will begin to date again

anyway.....
I still feel blessed to have shared a part of my life with him, as he is a wonderful man, who just has a big problem.

that's a very healthy attitude....when we can look back and find the good, be grateful for it, but then leave it there and move on. so much of life still left to live and explore and experience!!!

Aggie812

My boyfriend came home from a 5 day detox and told me he needed a "break" only to find out he met someone there but never told me. I had to find out the hard way, found a letter in his bag. Needing a break?! He cheated on me with another addict and I guess he's in love. More power to him. Maybe your fiancé found someone there of the opposite sex?

Duckygirl1

I know some people want to downplay the rehab romance problem, but it's serious. Rehabs have "family night", but all too often create a culture and have policies that destroy relationships.