Andrea415

Hello,

I am here to hopefully find support because I have none. I will try to make my story short-but it will be hard. My husband is an alcoholic and was a drug abuser-actually he still may be abusing drugs-Im not sure. Weve been married for 21 years and I have 2 daughters 19 and 17. From 2005 to about 2009 (probably longer) he was abusing drugs (oxycontin, cocaine, xanex). It was kept from my kids. They didnt know although they did witness violence and fighting. Im not sure how long its been since he switched his DOC to alcohol, but lately Im finding water bottles with water and alcohol in them, and in the trunk of his car, I found tons (I mean tons) of empty bourbon bottles. He is a closet drinker-no one knows except for me. When he was abusing drugs I did go to naranon, and therapy. Somehow he did stop the oxycontin (went to addiction specialist a few times) and cocaine but he never
went to rehab or 12 step. He was in denial then, and Im sure he is in denial about his alcohol abuse. I am afraid to approach the subject because of the way he will react and the tension it will cause in the house. The alcohol has not affected his work (yet) or anything else, except on weekends he just lays on the couch until about 1pm. I cant stand it. The kids dont know-one is away at school. I do not want to upset them, they have enough stress in their lives. Also, I may have a major auto immune disease. My tests came back ok last year, but it is a hard disease to dx, and I still feel I have it. I also think my younger daughter has it. She has been developing symptoms over the last few years and Im scared to death. I have no support from his family-last time with the drug issue, they did nothing. They were in denial, and didnt help me at all. I have a very small family and no one lives nearby. I have very few friends because of all my issues. I cannot support myself. I have a full time job but do not make much. My husband makes a very good living, but we have debt from his past drug abuse. My daughters college is also VERY expensive. I did not want her to go there but my husband insisted and we are paying for it, until we have no money and have to get a loan. My younger daughter has one more yr. left of high school and then will go to college too. I dont know where the money for that will come from. We have alot of savings in 401k-but cant touch it-and i dont want to. Anyway, I will try to get to alanon, but working full time and having to take care of everything at home, its hard. I dont know if I want him knowing if I start going to meetings, because then I have to deal with him. He was very mentally abusive when he was using and I cant put myself through it again. THe disease I think I have gets worse with stress. I just need advise because I am at a loss. I cant go through this again with him, (for 4 years everything seemed ok-he was goign to work, going to gym (most of the time), acting normal). He is acting normal now, just for the laying on couch. But he goes to work everyday-doesnt act drunk. Half the time I dont even know if he has been drinking. THe only way i know is if he falls alseep at weird times, or I smell it on him or the water bottles with alcohol I find in the house. I am not a strong person and I dont have anywhere to go if I left. Plus, I cant leave my daughter who is in high school and I dont want to disrupt her life. One more year and she is done with school, but then who can afford a divorce today, and how would college be paid for? Anyway, that is my story, where I am at right now. He doesnt know that i think he is an alcoholic. He knows I foudn the bottles in his car, and I said somethign about the water bottles, but it hasnt stopped him. He hides the liquor bottles in a large work file he brings into the house with him every day. So, I guess I am looking for some support because I feel very alone, and dont know what to do. I can never see him going for help.. I know eventually I will have to give him an ultimatum, but im not ready right now. Thanks for listening and being there.

Andrea415

wanted to add that if I do have this auto immune disease, it is very serious. I am into alternative treatments, so I take alot of supplements and eat very healthy organic whole foods-no processed foods, no gluten, dairy, etc. Its also very expensive!! I am afraid to be alone because of this and also because I cant support myself on what I make.

BlueSkies1

I say just expect it. Expect it so that you are let down less often. Expect him to drink, use, whatever. Expect it to be continuing, and then you don't need to look to see if it is, or hunt. He's shown you he has no desire to be any other way.
I'm more concerned that you don't put yourself first. Worrying about him is like worrying that a hurricane might have the flu. Don't run to the store for tissues for the hurricane, get out of its path.
So, protect yourself. Continue to take care of high school daughter. Continue to do whatever you can to help yourself with autoimmune. I bet looking for his bottles adds stress you don't need. It's energy you could use better on yourself, taking care of yourself as you find the ways to help yourself more and more with this autoimmune. Put yourself first, then kids, him last.
One day at a time, and the future is yet unknown and may open other doors to opportunity.

Andrea415

Blueskies,

Thank you so much for your concern. I just have no support so it is hard. I want to go back to meetings, they did help last time I went, mostly because I met great people/friends. But that was when I had more time and wasnt working full time. (at a job that is also very stressful I might add). At times, I just want to crawl under a rock because my life is so sad. My daughters are beautiful and dont deserve this. Im scared for my health and the health of my daughter. If I get divorced, there will be no money for medical. I am a worrier, so I do worry alot. Just hope somewhere there will be a bright light shining on me to guide me in the right direction. My college student dgtr is home now too. Thanks again for your support.

catlovermi

Hi Andrea, welcome!

I hope you will feel welcomed and supported here. Feel free to come write it out whenever you get to those "just want to crawl off" moments. Almost always, some SR folk will come along with something comforting to say. Reaching out for support is a great thing to do.

Things will become much more manageable as you get support and more clear headed. It's all so confusing and soul-crushing at first. Recovery can help you get clarity and healing.

Sending support!

CLMI

Andrea415

Like I said, I have been in this position before. For over 4 years, I felt like I was living in hell much of the time. I had gotten a restraining order and filed for divorce. I obviously didn't go through with it. I never want to go back to that horrible time. Right now, he is a functioning alcoholic. I am not confronting him so there is no confrontations. If I were to start detatching and pulling away, he would feel it and there would be tension and stress in the home. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I know I Have to take care of me...I'm trying, but I am also very unhappy. He us somewhat of an introvert and we rarely go out. I have only one close friend. I work full time at a stressful job I don't like, am the cleaning lady in my home, run all the errands, food shop, pay bills....I rarely do anything fun. I sometimes feel it is to hard to have friends because I don't want them to know my problems and then I feel like I would be not real....and that bothers me.

CodeJob

Welcome to SR Andrea!

Johnston

Welcome!

Katchie

Andrea,

Im so sorry you are in the position you're in. I have a son in college and 3 sons at home. You say that your daughters have no idea of your husbands addictions, only know of the fights between the two of you. I have to tell you as a mother of 4 sons who thought they knew nothing...well, I was sadly mistaken. They knew and lived in fear and sadness unable to talk to me about it because I kept it hidden thinking I was protecting them. it did just the opposite. I would be very surprised that your daughters are totally ignorant of it all. I would like to encourage you to take the first step in talking with your daughters, especially now with summer approaching school should be winding down and a good time to digest together. One thing I've learned here and thru alanon is that secrets are what help keep the addict secure in their addiction. You will also be amazed at the stress release you will experience.
One thing at a time. Above all start taking care of you and doing things necessary to care for yourself for the long run. Ill be praying for you and your family. Keep coming back and letting all your thoughts out. This is a great place for it. Hugs

Andrea415

Katchie,

I am 99 percent sure they do not know. Like I mentioned, he us a closet drinker and never appears drunk. He never passes out- May doze off fir a bit but he never passes out. If they did, know they would say something to me I'm sure. I Also think at this time, telling them would cause a lot of pain, sadness, and stress, embarrassment and low self esteem. My younger daughter may have an auto immune disease where stress makes it worse. I know that secrets do keep the addiction going but I have to think of protecting them first and not about his addiction. At some point, I'm sure they will find out - or at some point I may be the one to tell them, but now is not the time. If he funds out I am the one who told them, all he'll will break loose. Plus, I'm sure he is denial. I appreciate your feedback, and maybe you're right...maybe I will have to tell them...I'm just not ready yet.

Flavia2

Hi Andrea,
Welcome! My husband is also an alcoholic and I talked to the kids mostly because it was so hard to tell when he was drinking. I wanted to make sure they never got into the car with their dad.
I agree that it is a big relief to start working a program and stop keeping secrets. I think (for my kids) knowing they can talk to me, or their friends, or a counselor I set them up with has made a positive difference. Also, it helped them to realize it's not THEIR problem. They don't have to carry around any guilt or shame. Anyway, it is a long process. You'll get great support here.

Katchie

Andrea, my husband is a closet drinker. Rarely drank in front of the boys and when he did it wasn't in excess--in front of them. He is good at keeping up appearances and I helped keep them up. Never "passed out", he just took naps at odd times of the day usually when the kids were in school. Maybe you're right, I'd be very surprised if they don't have suspicions after all these years. But I understand your concern. I had them too.

Andrea415

Well, maybe during his drug addiction days- they might have known something- I'm not sure. But after that- for over 4 years, I didn't even know if he was doing anything. It's just very recent that I found out he's been drinking excessively. I guess in some ways I'm a coward- I'm trying to protect them but at the same time, I don't want to deal with him reacting if I tell them. I also don't want them hurting. It's almost too much for me to deal with, I think sometimes I'm in denial just to make it easier and do I can get through the day.

Andrea415

Katchie-are you still with your husband? What do your boys say?

Katchie

Yes, I'm still with my husband of 22 years. He is only a few short months into his sobriety, but time I'm very thankful for. For quite a while, unbeknownst to me, my kids were afraid to be in the car with him. We have resolved that issue but it left a lot of anger with my boys that we have been working thru together. BTW, all of my son's are 16 up to 20 years of age. I've tried to get them to see the human side of theirs father's addiction and find compassion but not acceptance.of the behavior, if that makes sense. It is working for us. Point is, I opened to door of communication with them and have been transparent. Before my husband put the bottle down I was preparing to leave him and told him I would. I also shared that with my son's so it wouldn't be a shock and the blame would be completely place on my non acceptance of disease related behavior. It has helped them that I'm open and they are safe to vent all of their feelings.

Andrea415

How long was he drinking before he started sobriety? I will be married for 22 years this year also. Was your husband ever violent and/or abusive? Does his family know and if so are they supportive of you? When you told your sons, what was their dad's reaction? Sorry for all the questions!! One more-- do you work full time and do you have financial problems?

SeriousKarma

Welcome Andrea,

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all of this, but I'm glad you found your way here.

It sounds like you know what you need to do to move yourself forward, and that is to start going to Alanon meetings again. I think that could be a perfect first step on the path to relieving some of this stress you're under. I know you say it's difficult to go, but is there anyway you could maybe go to a few and not tell your husband?

I also wanted to add that I too have a teenage daughter. She's never actually seen her father put alcohol to his lips. His drinking, throughout her life, has been in secret. When she was around 12 I finally had to tell her why her father would sometimes act so strange. She was very upset, but she wasn't terribly surprised, in fact it helped her to connect a lot of the dots regarding his odd behavior. For years I dreaded that conversation, but it ended up being a relief. I didn't have to cover for him anymore. When I think about it, telling her was probably the beginning of my own recovery. I know both you and your daughter have health concerns that you need to take into consideration, so please, don't consider that advice. It was just my experience, and I wanted to share it with you.

I'm sending you strength and support. I hope you can make it to a meeting, but if not I hope to see more of you on SR.

Katchie

When I look back I believe his addiction began when I met him in college but it did t become a real problem until about 2000 after his dad passed away. He was physically abusive one time that I remember but has always been verbally abusive when drunk as well as emotionally vacant from me. My family now knows as of February just before valentines day. My dad wasn't initially supportive but has since apologized and said he will be there for me should I need him; I also have the support of my sister. His family is clueless. They are great folks and I believe would be supportive if they knew but I don't believe it's my place to tell them, it's his and he has said he may tell them. I don't know ow if he will, that's his business.
I let my AH know that our children voiced fear riding with him in a car and he hung his head in shame. I've told him this before and it had an affect but the booze still won; so far so good and I will keep praying for his strength to resist and continue recovery.
As for work, no, I've never worked outside the home. I've home schooled our sons up until last year; they are now full time in a private school. I took my first college course in 20+ years to ready myself for whatever may come. Even tho my husband is doing well I will continue bettering myself educationally and one day get a job. I no longer want to be so dependent on one person for my finances or anything. It is a frightening place to be when things aren't good.
I hope I answered everything...and your questions do not bother me at all!

Katchie

One more thing, once the blinders came off of my eyes and thru the encouragement of people here who have traveled my same path, I began putting money aside in my own account and continue to do so in the event I have an emergency.

Katchie

Serious,
You hit the nail on the head! It was the beginning of my recovery too telling my kids even tho they already knew. More recovery began to take place and strength built as I shared with close friends and continued to reach out.