How to Talk So People Will Listen
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How to Talk So People Will Listen
How to Talk So People Will Listen
Carrie Wilkens, PhD
Science has taught us that the "way" we talk to people about making changes in their lives has a huge impact on whether they will be open to our feedback or closed off. This is true for therapists talking to clients, doctors talking to patients, and family members talking to a loved one they are concerned about.
Luckily, there are very specific and effective ways to construct a communication so that it goes well and that both parties in the conversation feel respected and understood. Even if there is not "full agreement" in the end, positive communication skills help move a conversation along effectively and work toward building a solid foundation of respect and a platform for increasingly meaningful exchanges in the future.
These skills not only help to improve conversations about serious issues like substance use or destructive behaviors (like spending, gambling, eating too much), they also help with the little conversations required for smooth family functioning (like communication about chores getting done).
People get thrown by the phrase "positive communication skills," as they think we mean be happy or positive all the time. The goal is to be effective and to build up connection, even when discussing difficult, emotionally charged issues. In other words, positive communication is about you feeling good about how you handled your end of things and that you maintained and met your values and goals in the conversation.
So, first, let's review the seven guidelines to positive communication (1*):
1. Be Brief
This has two meanings... keep it short and keep it on topic. When upset or angry, everyone can have a tendency to bring up lots of old issues in an effort to prove their current point. Stay focused on the topic of the moment ("I want you to pick up your laundry") and resist tossing in a variety of other topics ("and you are always running late and forgot to take out the garbage"). Communications work best when they are very focused.
2. Be Positive
Again, this does not mean, "be nice and happy all the time." It means stay away from accusations, name-calling, negative statements, and the like. These communications will just steer you off course and away from your goal. Even more importantly, ask for what you do want instead of what you don't want ("I would like you to use the hamper" vs. "don't leave a mess on the floor"). It can be helpful to just notice whether you are framing things as a negative admonishment compared to a positive request or statement. This is a difficult one, and one that takes a fair bit of practice to get right, but it makes a world of difference.
3. Be Specific
Address specific behaviors, specific incidents, and ask for something that is specific and measurable. The more clear you can be, the more likely you are to get what you want.
4. Label Your Feelings
Letting the other person in to know what you're feeling can help break down some of the walls that are between you ("I feel stressed when I come home and the house is a mess").
5. Offer an Understanding Statement
"I can understand that you might feel . . ." One of the main goals in a communication is to be heard. This is a way for you to let the other person know that you hear and understand them, and helps reduce defensiveness ("I know you are rushed getting from football practice to dinner...).
6. Accept Partial Responsibility
Accepting your role in this situation. We all play some role, so it's important to find some way in which you contributed ("I know I really came down hard on you last week when I was at my wits end"). You don't have to accept all the blame, but you assuming some of the responsibility will definitely help!
7. Offer to Help
You're making a request, so show them that you're in this together! See how you can help them out ("I put a hamper in your room so you don't have to go downstairs"). If they aren't the sole party who is responsible for action, they might be more likely to agree to change.
So, how do you put this all together? Carefully and with a lot of practice!
It is often very helpful to start by writing sentences, it doesn't matter what order they are in, and see if you can hit all of the points in this ("be brief" and "be positive" are really more global guidelines than specific points, but the other five can be specific sentences).
Once you have written them all out and you feel comfortable that you've hit everything, put it in an order that makes sense and read it through out loud. Sometimes hearing what you've written, even if you're the one doing the reading, will give you a better sense of how it will sound to someone else. While you're reading, pay special attention to any spots that feel awkward, or make you feel defensive. Those are spots that you may want to iron out and rewrite.
After you've read and edited your communication, it's time to practice! Practice, you say? Yes! Communication, like anything else that you do on a daily basis, becomes routine after a while. It's hard to change a communication rut or pattern. And, communicating using these skills may be very different than what you are used to. So, read your communication to yourself in a mirror. Ask a friend or family member to listen to it and give you feedback. Repeat it in your head while you're commuting to work. Really get familiar with it and feel comfortable with the communication before you try it live.
Finally, pick a time when tension is low, when both you and the person you're talking with are feeling calm and comfortable. You may even want to read your communication to them (instead of trying to recite it from memory). Showing them that you wrote it all out and are reading it will let them know you are really trying hard to have conversations go differently. Additionally, when the pressure is on, you don't want to forget half of your communication or slip into old communication patterns by mistake.
Afterward, take a minute to review how it went. If you were able to stick to your plan (or mostly stick to it), give yourself a pat on the back! It's no small feat to try something different like this, and you've done well! If you didn't or weren't able to stick to it, what happened? Was there something in the planning? Was there something that you didn't expect? How can you try it differently the next time? Use this experience to help make your next attempt even more successful.
A few extra communication tips:
• Avoid words like "but" and "however." They tend to nullify anything you said before them, and can derail a good point that you're trying to make. Try using more inclusive words like "and" or "at the same time."
• You know the saying, "strike while the iron is hot?" In communication, it's "strike while the iron is cold!" When temperatures are high, it can be hard to stay calm and keep with your communication plan. Try to pick a time when everyone is calm.
• Just because a communication doesn't go the way you want (maybe they said no to your request, or you both ended up returning to some old behavior patterns), you can still walk away feeling successful. Try to think about what your goals are and what success might look like, even if the communication doesn't go perfectly.
• If the other person isn't using positive communication and starts to yell or go off topic, you can bring the conversation back by being a "broken record" and just coming right back to your points. The more you stick to what you came to do, the more likely you are to feel successful in the end.
As you make the shift to using positive communication skills you might feel awkward and even a little stilted and silly. Trust us, you will get better with practice and most people are so reinforced by the improved outcome of their conversations that they can't help themselves. They want to use the skills all the time because they work! You might even find that they are helpful in the grocery checkout line!
~~~~~
(1*)- Adapted from: Smith, J., & Myers, R. (2004). Motivating substance abusers to enter treatment: working with family members. New York: Guilford Press.
~~~~~
Dr. Carrie Wilkens is the co-founder and clinical director of the Center for Motivation and Change Dr. Wilkens specializes in motivational treatments and group psychotherapy, and has worked with traumatized populations in both individual and group modalities. Dr. Wilkens is a co-author of Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change a compassionate and science-based family guide for navigating the addiction treatment world, understanding motivation, and training in the use of CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) skills. These practical skills include self-care, positive reinforcement, positive communication, and staying connected in a constructive, positive way to help your loved one.
Carrie Wilkens, PhD
Science has taught us that the "way" we talk to people about making changes in their lives has a huge impact on whether they will be open to our feedback or closed off. This is true for therapists talking to clients, doctors talking to patients, and family members talking to a loved one they are concerned about.
Luckily, there are very specific and effective ways to construct a communication so that it goes well and that both parties in the conversation feel respected and understood. Even if there is not "full agreement" in the end, positive communication skills help move a conversation along effectively and work toward building a solid foundation of respect and a platform for increasingly meaningful exchanges in the future.
These skills not only help to improve conversations about serious issues like substance use or destructive behaviors (like spending, gambling, eating too much), they also help with the little conversations required for smooth family functioning (like communication about chores getting done).
People get thrown by the phrase "positive communication skills," as they think we mean be happy or positive all the time. The goal is to be effective and to build up connection, even when discussing difficult, emotionally charged issues. In other words, positive communication is about you feeling good about how you handled your end of things and that you maintained and met your values and goals in the conversation.
So, first, let's review the seven guidelines to positive communication (1*):
1. Be Brief
This has two meanings... keep it short and keep it on topic. When upset or angry, everyone can have a tendency to bring up lots of old issues in an effort to prove their current point. Stay focused on the topic of the moment ("I want you to pick up your laundry") and resist tossing in a variety of other topics ("and you are always running late and forgot to take out the garbage"). Communications work best when they are very focused.
2. Be Positive
Again, this does not mean, "be nice and happy all the time." It means stay away from accusations, name-calling, negative statements, and the like. These communications will just steer you off course and away from your goal. Even more importantly, ask for what you do want instead of what you don't want ("I would like you to use the hamper" vs. "don't leave a mess on the floor"). It can be helpful to just notice whether you are framing things as a negative admonishment compared to a positive request or statement. This is a difficult one, and one that takes a fair bit of practice to get right, but it makes a world of difference.
3. Be Specific
Address specific behaviors, specific incidents, and ask for something that is specific and measurable. The more clear you can be, the more likely you are to get what you want.
4. Label Your Feelings
Letting the other person in to know what you're feeling can help break down some of the walls that are between you ("I feel stressed when I come home and the house is a mess").
5. Offer an Understanding Statement
"I can understand that you might feel . . ." One of the main goals in a communication is to be heard. This is a way for you to let the other person know that you hear and understand them, and helps reduce defensiveness ("I know you are rushed getting from football practice to dinner...).
6. Accept Partial Responsibility
Accepting your role in this situation. We all play some role, so it's important to find some way in which you contributed ("I know I really came down hard on you last week when I was at my wits end"). You don't have to accept all the blame, but you assuming some of the responsibility will definitely help!
7. Offer to Help
You're making a request, so show them that you're in this together! See how you can help them out ("I put a hamper in your room so you don't have to go downstairs"). If they aren't the sole party who is responsible for action, they might be more likely to agree to change.
So, how do you put this all together? Carefully and with a lot of practice!
It is often very helpful to start by writing sentences, it doesn't matter what order they are in, and see if you can hit all of the points in this ("be brief" and "be positive" are really more global guidelines than specific points, but the other five can be specific sentences).
Once you have written them all out and you feel comfortable that you've hit everything, put it in an order that makes sense and read it through out loud. Sometimes hearing what you've written, even if you're the one doing the reading, will give you a better sense of how it will sound to someone else. While you're reading, pay special attention to any spots that feel awkward, or make you feel defensive. Those are spots that you may want to iron out and rewrite.
After you've read and edited your communication, it's time to practice! Practice, you say? Yes! Communication, like anything else that you do on a daily basis, becomes routine after a while. It's hard to change a communication rut or pattern. And, communicating using these skills may be very different than what you are used to. So, read your communication to yourself in a mirror. Ask a friend or family member to listen to it and give you feedback. Repeat it in your head while you're commuting to work. Really get familiar with it and feel comfortable with the communication before you try it live.
Finally, pick a time when tension is low, when both you and the person you're talking with are feeling calm and comfortable. You may even want to read your communication to them (instead of trying to recite it from memory). Showing them that you wrote it all out and are reading it will let them know you are really trying hard to have conversations go differently. Additionally, when the pressure is on, you don't want to forget half of your communication or slip into old communication patterns by mistake.
Afterward, take a minute to review how it went. If you were able to stick to your plan (or mostly stick to it), give yourself a pat on the back! It's no small feat to try something different like this, and you've done well! If you didn't or weren't able to stick to it, what happened? Was there something in the planning? Was there something that you didn't expect? How can you try it differently the next time? Use this experience to help make your next attempt even more successful.
A few extra communication tips:
• Avoid words like "but" and "however." They tend to nullify anything you said before them, and can derail a good point that you're trying to make. Try using more inclusive words like "and" or "at the same time."
• You know the saying, "strike while the iron is hot?" In communication, it's "strike while the iron is cold!" When temperatures are high, it can be hard to stay calm and keep with your communication plan. Try to pick a time when everyone is calm.
• Just because a communication doesn't go the way you want (maybe they said no to your request, or you both ended up returning to some old behavior patterns), you can still walk away feeling successful. Try to think about what your goals are and what success might look like, even if the communication doesn't go perfectly.
• If the other person isn't using positive communication and starts to yell or go off topic, you can bring the conversation back by being a "broken record" and just coming right back to your points. The more you stick to what you came to do, the more likely you are to feel successful in the end.
As you make the shift to using positive communication skills you might feel awkward and even a little stilted and silly. Trust us, you will get better with practice and most people are so reinforced by the improved outcome of their conversations that they can't help themselves. They want to use the skills all the time because they work! You might even find that they are helpful in the grocery checkout line!
~~~~~
(1*)- Adapted from: Smith, J., & Myers, R. (2004). Motivating substance abusers to enter treatment: working with family members. New York: Guilford Press.
~~~~~
Dr. Carrie Wilkens is the co-founder and clinical director of the Center for Motivation and Change Dr. Wilkens specializes in motivational treatments and group psychotherapy, and has worked with traumatized populations in both individual and group modalities. Dr. Wilkens is a co-author of Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change a compassionate and science-based family guide for navigating the addiction treatment world, understanding motivation, and training in the use of CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) skills. These practical skills include self-care, positive reinforcement, positive communication, and staying connected in a constructive, positive way to help your loved one.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Thanks!
I know some people can't stand him (like my husband) but I really like to watch Dr. Phil. Sometimes I just like to watch how he handles people. He is soooo good. Okay, I know they have editing but still.
I like the one about 'but' and 'however'. He says whenever you say 'but' you are saying 'just ignore what I said before the 'but'. I use however pretty much. I never thought about it but I do especially when I do posts on forums like this. I'll have to ponder that.
I remember an example in my life. Sometimes my other two addicted (adult) children feel a bit slighted because all the attention seems to be on the addicted one. I used to say to my daughter "I'm sorry 'but' your brother blah blah blah." Now I just say "I'm sorry honey."
I totally love the 'broken record technique'. I have used that from time to time. It works like a charm.
Good article!
Kari
I know some people can't stand him (like my husband) but I really like to watch Dr. Phil. Sometimes I just like to watch how he handles people. He is soooo good. Okay, I know they have editing but still.
I like the one about 'but' and 'however'. He says whenever you say 'but' you are saying 'just ignore what I said before the 'but'. I use however pretty much. I never thought about it but I do especially when I do posts on forums like this. I'll have to ponder that.
I remember an example in my life. Sometimes my other two addicted (adult) children feel a bit slighted because all the attention seems to be on the addicted one. I used to say to my daughter "I'm sorry 'but' your brother blah blah blah." Now I just say "I'm sorry honey."
I totally love the 'broken record technique'. I have used that from time to time. It works like a charm.
Good article!
Kari
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by KariSue 
Thanks!
I know some people can't stand him (like my husband) but I really like to watch Dr. Phil. Sometimes I just like to watch how he handles people. He is soooo good. Okay, I know they have editing but still.
I like the one about 'but' and 'however'. He says whenever you say 'but' you are saying 'just ignore what I said before the 'but'. I use however pretty much. I never thought about it but I do especially when I do posts on forums like this. I'll have to ponder that.
I remember an example in my life. Sometimes my other two addicted (adult) children feel a bit slighted because all the attention seems to be on the addicted one. I used to say to my daughter "I'm sorry 'but' your brother blah blah blah." Now I just say "I'm sorry honey."
I totally love the 'broken record technique'. I have used that from time to time. It works like a charm.
Good article!
Kari
I know some people can't stand him (like my husband) but I really like to watch Dr. Phil. Sometimes I just like to watch how he handles people. He is soooo good. Okay, I know they have editing but still.
I like the one about 'but' and 'however'. He says whenever you say 'but' you are saying 'just ignore what I said before the 'but'. I use however pretty much. I never thought about it but I do especially when I do posts on forums like this. I'll have to ponder that.
I remember an example in my life. Sometimes my other two addicted (adult) children feel a bit slighted because all the attention seems to be on the addicted one. I used to say to my daughter "I'm sorry 'but' your brother blah blah blah." Now I just say "I'm sorry honey."
I totally love the 'broken record technique'. I have used that from time to time. It works like a charm.
Good article!
Kari
From the article, I like the reminder to "strike when the iron is cold" allow tensions to relax, and be in a place where mentally your as calm as possible. What Ive witnessed in my own interactions is how much worse I can make a situation when Im stressed, not listening, just looking for a quick resolution. Doesn't matter if its something with my husband, or something going on at work. I try now to respond after the initial shock' has worn off and Im more open to listening, and looking for long term solutions.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by allforcnm
I don't get to watch too many of his shows, but I like the way Dr Phil handles communication. Hes also pretty funny sometimes....
From the article, I like the reminder to "strike when the iron is cold" allow tensions to relax, and be in a place where mentally your as calm as possible. What Ive witnessed in my own interactions is how much worse I can make a situation when Im stressed, not listening, just looking for a quick resolution. Doesn't matter if its something with my husband, or something going on at work. I try now to respond after the initial shock' has worn off and Im more open to listening, and looking for long term solutions.
From the article, I like the reminder to "strike when the iron is cold" allow tensions to relax, and be in a place where mentally your as calm as possible. What Ive witnessed in my own interactions is how much worse I can make a situation when Im stressed, not listening, just looking for a quick resolution. Doesn't matter if its something with my husband, or something going on at work. I try now to respond after the initial shock' has worn off and Im more open to listening, and looking for long term solutions.
Kari
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 41
This is exactly what I've been looking for, I've asked my husbands so many times how I can talk to him to be heard funny really of course he doesn't know either. This I will read again and again thank you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: florida
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by allforcnm
How to Talk So People Will Listen
Carrie Wilkens, PhD
Science has taught us that the "way" we talk to people about making changes in their lives has a huge impact on whether they will be open to our feedback or closed off. This is true for therapists talking to clients, doctors talking to patients, and family members talking to a loved one they are concerned about.
Luckily, there are very specific and effective ways to construct a communication so that it goes well and that both parties in the conversation feel respected and understood. Even if there is not "full agreement" in the end, positive communication skills help move a conversation along effectively and work toward building a solid foundation of respect and a platform for increasingly meaningful exchanges in the future.
These skills not only help to improve conversations about serious issues like substance use or destructive behaviors (like spending, gambling, eating too much), they also help with the little conversations required for smooth family functioning (like communication about chores getting done).
People get thrown by the phrase "positive communication skills," as they think we mean be happy or positive all the time. The goal is to be effective and to build up connection, even when discussing difficult, emotionally charged issues. In other words, positive communication is about you feeling good about how you handled your end of things and that you maintained and met your values and goals in the conversation.
So, first, let's review the seven guidelines to positive communication (1*):
1. Be Brief
This has two meanings... keep it short and keep it on topic. When upset or angry, everyone can have a tendency to bring up lots of old issues in an effort to prove their current point. Stay focused on the topic of the moment ("I want you to pick up your laundry") and resist tossing in a variety of other topics ("and you are always running late and forgot to take out the garbage"). Communications work best when they are very focused.
2. Be Positive
Again, this does not mean, "be nice and happy all the time." It means stay away from accusations, name-calling, negative statements, and the like. These communications will just steer you off course and away from your goal. Even more importantly, ask for what you do want instead of what you don't want ("I would like you to use the hamper" vs. "don't leave a mess on the floor"). It can be helpful to just notice whether you are framing things as a negative admonishment compared to a positive request or statement. This is a difficult one, and one that takes a fair bit of practice to get right, but it makes a world of difference.
3. Be Specific
Address specific behaviors, specific incidents, and ask for something that is specific and measurable. The more clear you can be, the more likely you are to get what you want.
4. Label Your Feelings
Letting the other person in to know what you're feeling can help break down some of the walls that are between you ("I feel stressed when I come home and the house is a mess").
5. Offer an Understanding Statement
"I can understand that you might feel . . ." One of the main goals in a communication is to be heard. This is a way for you to let the other person know that you hear and understand them, and helps reduce defensiveness ("I know you are rushed getting from football practice to dinner...).
6. Accept Partial Responsibility
Accepting your role in this situation. We all play some role, so it's important to find some way in which you contributed ("I know I really came down hard on you last week when I was at my wits end"). You don't have to accept all the blame, but you assuming some of the responsibility will definitely help!
7. Offer to Help
You're making a request, so show them that you're in this together! See how you can help them out ("I put a hamper in your room so you don't have to go downstairs"). If they aren't the sole party who is responsible for action, they might be more likely to agree to change.
So, how do you put this all together? Carefully and with a lot of practice!
It is often very helpful to start by writing sentences, it doesn't matter what order they are in, and see if you can hit all of the points in this ("be brief" and "be positive" are really more global guidelines than specific points, but the other five can be specific sentences).
Once you have written them all out and you feel comfortable that you've hit everything, put it in an order that makes sense and read it through out loud. Sometimes hearing what you've written, even if you're the one doing the reading, will give you a better sense of how it will sound to someone else. While you're reading, pay special attention to any spots that feel awkward, or make you feel defensive. Those are spots that you may want to iron out and rewrite.
After you've read and edited your communication, it's time to practice! Practice, you say? Yes! Communication, like anything else that you do on a daily basis, becomes routine after a while. It's hard to change a communication rut or pattern. And, communicating using these skills may be very different than what you are used to. So, read your communication to yourself in a mirror. Ask a friend or family member to listen to it and give you feedback. Repeat it in your head while you're commuting to work. Really get familiar with it and feel comfortable with the communication before you try it live.
Finally, pick a time when tension is low, when both you and the person you're talking with are feeling calm and comfortable. You may even want to read your communication to them (instead of trying to recite it from memory). Showing them that you wrote it all out and are reading it will let them know you are really trying hard to have conversations go differently. Additionally, when the pressure is on, you don't want to forget half of your communication or slip into old communication patterns by mistake.
Afterward, take a minute to review how it went. If you were able to stick to your plan (or mostly stick to it), give yourself a pat on the back! It's no small feat to try something different like this, and you've done well! If you didn't or weren't able to stick to it, what happened? Was there something in the planning? Was there something that you didn't expect? How can you try it differently the next time? Use this experience to help make your next attempt even more successful.
A few extra communication tips:
• Avoid words like "but" and "however." They tend to nullify anything you said before them, and can derail a good point that you're trying to make. Try using more inclusive words like "and" or "at the same time."
• You know the saying, "strike while the iron is hot?" In communication, it's "strike while the iron is cold!" When temperatures are high, it can be hard to stay calm and keep with your communication plan. Try to pick a time when everyone is calm.
• Just because a communication doesn't go the way you want (maybe they said no to your request, or you both ended up returning to some old behavior patterns), you can still walk away feeling successful. Try to think about what your goals are and what success might look like, even if the communication doesn't go perfectly.
• If the other person isn't using positive communication and starts to yell or go off topic, you can bring the conversation back by being a "broken record" and just coming right back to your points. The more you stick to what you came to do, the more likely you are to feel successful in the end.
As you make the shift to using positive communication skills you might feel awkward and even a little stilted and silly. Trust us, you will get better with practice and most people are so reinforced by the improved outcome of their conversations that they can't help themselves. They want to use the skills all the time because they work! You might even find that they are helpful in the grocery checkout line!
~~~~~
(1*)- Adapted from: Smith, J., & Myers, R. (2004). Motivating substance abusers to enter treatment: working with family members. New York: Guilford Press.
~~~~~
Dr. Carrie Wilkens is the co-founder and clinical director of the Center for Motivation and Change Dr. Wilkens specializes in motivational treatments and group psychotherapy, and has worked with traumatized populations in both individual and group modalities. Dr. Wilkens is a co-author of Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change a compassionate and science-based family guide for navigating the addiction treatment world, understanding motivation, and training in the use of CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) skills. These practical skills include self-care, positive reinforcement, positive communication, and staying connected in a constructive, positive way to help your loved one.
Carrie Wilkens, PhD
Science has taught us that the "way" we talk to people about making changes in their lives has a huge impact on whether they will be open to our feedback or closed off. This is true for therapists talking to clients, doctors talking to patients, and family members talking to a loved one they are concerned about.
Luckily, there are very specific and effective ways to construct a communication so that it goes well and that both parties in the conversation feel respected and understood. Even if there is not "full agreement" in the end, positive communication skills help move a conversation along effectively and work toward building a solid foundation of respect and a platform for increasingly meaningful exchanges in the future.
These skills not only help to improve conversations about serious issues like substance use or destructive behaviors (like spending, gambling, eating too much), they also help with the little conversations required for smooth family functioning (like communication about chores getting done).
People get thrown by the phrase "positive communication skills," as they think we mean be happy or positive all the time. The goal is to be effective and to build up connection, even when discussing difficult, emotionally charged issues. In other words, positive communication is about you feeling good about how you handled your end of things and that you maintained and met your values and goals in the conversation.
So, first, let's review the seven guidelines to positive communication (1*):
1. Be Brief
This has two meanings... keep it short and keep it on topic. When upset or angry, everyone can have a tendency to bring up lots of old issues in an effort to prove their current point. Stay focused on the topic of the moment ("I want you to pick up your laundry") and resist tossing in a variety of other topics ("and you are always running late and forgot to take out the garbage"). Communications work best when they are very focused.
2. Be Positive
Again, this does not mean, "be nice and happy all the time." It means stay away from accusations, name-calling, negative statements, and the like. These communications will just steer you off course and away from your goal. Even more importantly, ask for what you do want instead of what you don't want ("I would like you to use the hamper" vs. "don't leave a mess on the floor"). It can be helpful to just notice whether you are framing things as a negative admonishment compared to a positive request or statement. This is a difficult one, and one that takes a fair bit of practice to get right, but it makes a world of difference.
3. Be Specific
Address specific behaviors, specific incidents, and ask for something that is specific and measurable. The more clear you can be, the more likely you are to get what you want.
4. Label Your Feelings
Letting the other person in to know what you're feeling can help break down some of the walls that are between you ("I feel stressed when I come home and the house is a mess").
5. Offer an Understanding Statement
"I can understand that you might feel . . ." One of the main goals in a communication is to be heard. This is a way for you to let the other person know that you hear and understand them, and helps reduce defensiveness ("I know you are rushed getting from football practice to dinner...).
6. Accept Partial Responsibility
Accepting your role in this situation. We all play some role, so it's important to find some way in which you contributed ("I know I really came down hard on you last week when I was at my wits end"). You don't have to accept all the blame, but you assuming some of the responsibility will definitely help!
7. Offer to Help
You're making a request, so show them that you're in this together! See how you can help them out ("I put a hamper in your room so you don't have to go downstairs"). If they aren't the sole party who is responsible for action, they might be more likely to agree to change.
So, how do you put this all together? Carefully and with a lot of practice!
It is often very helpful to start by writing sentences, it doesn't matter what order they are in, and see if you can hit all of the points in this ("be brief" and "be positive" are really more global guidelines than specific points, but the other five can be specific sentences).
Once you have written them all out and you feel comfortable that you've hit everything, put it in an order that makes sense and read it through out loud. Sometimes hearing what you've written, even if you're the one doing the reading, will give you a better sense of how it will sound to someone else. While you're reading, pay special attention to any spots that feel awkward, or make you feel defensive. Those are spots that you may want to iron out and rewrite.
After you've read and edited your communication, it's time to practice! Practice, you say? Yes! Communication, like anything else that you do on a daily basis, becomes routine after a while. It's hard to change a communication rut or pattern. And, communicating using these skills may be very different than what you are used to. So, read your communication to yourself in a mirror. Ask a friend or family member to listen to it and give you feedback. Repeat it in your head while you're commuting to work. Really get familiar with it and feel comfortable with the communication before you try it live.
Finally, pick a time when tension is low, when both you and the person you're talking with are feeling calm and comfortable. You may even want to read your communication to them (instead of trying to recite it from memory). Showing them that you wrote it all out and are reading it will let them know you are really trying hard to have conversations go differently. Additionally, when the pressure is on, you don't want to forget half of your communication or slip into old communication patterns by mistake.
Afterward, take a minute to review how it went. If you were able to stick to your plan (or mostly stick to it), give yourself a pat on the back! It's no small feat to try something different like this, and you've done well! If you didn't or weren't able to stick to it, what happened? Was there something in the planning? Was there something that you didn't expect? How can you try it differently the next time? Use this experience to help make your next attempt even more successful.
A few extra communication tips:
• Avoid words like "but" and "however." They tend to nullify anything you said before them, and can derail a good point that you're trying to make. Try using more inclusive words like "and" or "at the same time."
• You know the saying, "strike while the iron is hot?" In communication, it's "strike while the iron is cold!" When temperatures are high, it can be hard to stay calm and keep with your communication plan. Try to pick a time when everyone is calm.
• Just because a communication doesn't go the way you want (maybe they said no to your request, or you both ended up returning to some old behavior patterns), you can still walk away feeling successful. Try to think about what your goals are and what success might look like, even if the communication doesn't go perfectly.
• If the other person isn't using positive communication and starts to yell or go off topic, you can bring the conversation back by being a "broken record" and just coming right back to your points. The more you stick to what you came to do, the more likely you are to feel successful in the end.
As you make the shift to using positive communication skills you might feel awkward and even a little stilted and silly. Trust us, you will get better with practice and most people are so reinforced by the improved outcome of their conversations that they can't help themselves. They want to use the skills all the time because they work! You might even find that they are helpful in the grocery checkout line!
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(1*)- Adapted from: Smith, J., & Myers, R. (2004). Motivating substance abusers to enter treatment: working with family members. New York: Guilford Press.
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Dr. Carrie Wilkens is the co-founder and clinical director of the Center for Motivation and Change Dr. Wilkens specializes in motivational treatments and group psychotherapy, and has worked with traumatized populations in both individual and group modalities. Dr. Wilkens is a co-author of Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change a compassionate and science-based family guide for navigating the addiction treatment world, understanding motivation, and training in the use of CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) skills. These practical skills include self-care, positive reinforcement, positive communication, and staying connected in a constructive, positive way to help your loved one.
thanks for sharing. this will really help
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