Not reacting
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Not reacting
Had a session with my psychologist on one side of the east bay today, then drove for an hour to convene my Lifering group on the other side.
Then I came home. Soon to be not my home. Or.... who knows. My wife was there, putting to bed my daughter. I took my son upstairs and read him some Calvin & Hobbes (which he loves) - a good time was had by both of us. Then I came downstairs. My wife was at her computer desk upstairs. I quietly went downstairs. Snapped the rubber band a few times as I did dishes and other kitchen stuff. Realized I really didn't want her hanging around like she was. She kept at her computer awhile longer. I snapped the rubber band a few more times as I toiled in the kitchen. Felt angry. Didn't want to feel angry, but did. Must have been stuff that came up in therapy and group. Was very aware of her presence upstairs. Still wanted her to leave.
She finally came downstairs just as I was finishing up in the kitchen. She briefly engaged me about business-related things (kids, separation details, etc). I didn't really look her in the eye. I just maintained the interaction (no, Florence, I didn't snap the rubber band in front of her), was polite. Felt really angry. Again, didn't want to feel that.
She eventually left, neither of us said goodbye.
Unlike the other night, where we had a very minor pleasant interaction, nothing was pleasant for me about this. The success here is that no drama occurred, no fight, nothing negative.
Some nights, I guess, will be like that.
The thing I'm not looking forward to is I'm going to supposedly be hanging out with the wife tomorrow for a singing recital event for my son. I would very much like to go - but I am not looking forward at all to being around my wife and possibly socializing with other parents. Wondering what to do.
-DrS
Then I came home. Soon to be not my home. Or.... who knows. My wife was there, putting to bed my daughter. I took my son upstairs and read him some Calvin & Hobbes (which he loves) - a good time was had by both of us. Then I came downstairs. My wife was at her computer desk upstairs. I quietly went downstairs. Snapped the rubber band a few times as I did dishes and other kitchen stuff. Realized I really didn't want her hanging around like she was. She kept at her computer awhile longer. I snapped the rubber band a few more times as I toiled in the kitchen. Felt angry. Didn't want to feel angry, but did. Must have been stuff that came up in therapy and group. Was very aware of her presence upstairs. Still wanted her to leave.
She finally came downstairs just as I was finishing up in the kitchen. She briefly engaged me about business-related things (kids, separation details, etc). I didn't really look her in the eye. I just maintained the interaction (no, Florence, I didn't snap the rubber band in front of her), was polite. Felt really angry. Again, didn't want to feel that.
She eventually left, neither of us said goodbye.
Unlike the other night, where we had a very minor pleasant interaction, nothing was pleasant for me about this. The success here is that no drama occurred, no fight, nothing negative.
Some nights, I guess, will be like that.
The thing I'm not looking forward to is I'm going to supposedly be hanging out with the wife tomorrow for a singing recital event for my son. I would very much like to go - but I am not looking forward at all to being around my wife and possibly socializing with other parents. Wondering what to do.
-DrS
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Been there. Show up at the last minute, no pre performance pleasantries. Leave asap, obligations and all. I've managed this way for years. Don't even sit together at church, always the back row for a smooth departure.
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Unless you have a clearly scheduled arrangement of who is at the house when and you've agreed to not be there together it's confusing to me what angered you about being there at the same time as your wife.
What stopped you from leaving if you weren't happy.
You continue to spend a lot of energy being upset about what she is or isn't doing is what it sounds like.
If you don't want to spend time around her, don't.
Just a week ago you were asking her about you living there too and just keeping yourself separate under the same roof, right? So I think she's acting perfectly reasonable to assume you can be there together for limited time and have it be okay.
From this outsiders perspective your feelings and thoughts about what you want seem to be vascilating quite a lot between extremes.... You don't want to move out, you want to be close to your wife, you want to know she wants to make the marriage work, you don't care if it can't work... I understand it's an emotional time for you, and I empathize with all the changes you're experiencing.
I do think however that you are putting a lot of responsibility for your angst on your wife's actions or inactions and I think your own recovery could use some looking at.
Are you involved in AA?
What stopped you from leaving if you weren't happy.
You continue to spend a lot of energy being upset about what she is or isn't doing is what it sounds like.
If you don't want to spend time around her, don't.
Just a week ago you were asking her about you living there too and just keeping yourself separate under the same roof, right? So I think she's acting perfectly reasonable to assume you can be there together for limited time and have it be okay.
From this outsiders perspective your feelings and thoughts about what you want seem to be vascilating quite a lot between extremes.... You don't want to move out, you want to be close to your wife, you want to know she wants to make the marriage work, you don't care if it can't work... I understand it's an emotional time for you, and I empathize with all the changes you're experiencing.
I do think however that you are putting a lot of responsibility for your angst on your wife's actions or inactions and I think your own recovery could use some looking at.
Are you involved in AA?
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(no, Florence, I didn't snap the rubber band in front of her)
I guess it depends what you want. With one ex, I attended all my child's functions without speaking to, sitting next to, or otherwise acknowledging my ex for YEARS, because interacting with him sent me into panic attacks. This was not healthy, obviously. With my other ex, I can interact with him just find because I know exactly where I stand when it comes to him, and I have confidence in myself to prevail no matter what. I only got from one extreme to the other with time, learning a lot about myself as a codependent, the child of a narcissist, and someone who herself made some really self-destructive choices, in counseling and reflecting here on SR. I read a LOT on SR even today, almost everything. It keeps me honest and grounded.
I think if you want to be with your wife in some capacity, or keep that door open to reconcile eventually, you need to put your big boy pants on and smile and say something nice and fake it til you make it. Sometimes relationships are like work -- you don't have to like it, you just have to get the job done.
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it sounds like you are both co-parenting to make the transition as normal as possible for young children. Like Florence said, put you big boy pants on and keep it civil. it is not as big a deal as you might be making it in your head.
Not everyone has to know the intimate details of your business...what is the big deal, an hour or 2? How many hours did you ignore them while immersing yourself in other activities....(I am talking drinking, porn, gambling , etc).
but it will be commendable if you go to the recital, are pleasant, take some pictures of your children and they will know that you cared enough to come. that is what THEY will remember.
in this transition, your kids are scared and worried, good for both of you for taking the time to make them feel safe with a bedtime routine of story reading....and that they did not pick up on your inner anger.
I think that after you get your apartment and have some of your own space, you might feel less agitated.
Not everyone has to know the intimate details of your business...what is the big deal, an hour or 2? How many hours did you ignore them while immersing yourself in other activities....(I am talking drinking, porn, gambling , etc).
but it will be commendable if you go to the recital, are pleasant, take some pictures of your children and they will know that you cared enough to come. that is what THEY will remember.
in this transition, your kids are scared and worried, good for both of you for taking the time to make them feel safe with a bedtime routine of story reading....and that they did not pick up on your inner anger.
I think that after you get your apartment and have some of your own space, you might feel less agitated.
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Doc-
When I first started feeling I was overjoyed, and terrified.
Then came the hard work of figuring out what was mine about the feeling and what I was reacting to that was about someone else......most of it I learned was mine.
I am glad you are feeling emotion....I am grateful this post was about your emotion, but have you been able to sit with the emotion without defaulting to it is someone about/on your wife?
This is where my disease really interfered in my life.
When I first started feeling I was overjoyed, and terrified.
Then came the hard work of figuring out what was mine about the feeling and what I was reacting to that was about someone else......most of it I learned was mine.
I am glad you are feeling emotion....I am grateful this post was about your emotion, but have you been able to sit with the emotion without defaulting to it is someone about/on your wife?
This is where my disease really interfered in my life.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Going to the recital for your son is the most important thing. It's okay to just be polite and bow out when it's over. I know last night was uncomfortable for you but it will get easier. I used to be a VERY reactionary person and the whole experience of having a relationship with someone who has an addiction has taught me a lot of patience. It is not an easy thing to learn because it means we have to sit with our feelings of anger, discomfort and confusion,which we tried to avoid for so long with alcohol and drugs.
Sorry for the run-on sentences but I just wanted to tell you I think you're making progress. Be careful with that rubber band. Let yourself feel things sometimes. I apologize if I've been harsh in some of my posts. I now realize that a lot of the things I see in you are things I don't like about myself and have worked hard to overcome. Imagine that.
Good luck to you and enjoy the recital! Remember WHY you're there.
Sorry for the run-on sentences but I just wanted to tell you I think you're making progress. Be careful with that rubber band. Let yourself feel things sometimes. I apologize if I've been harsh in some of my posts. I now realize that a lot of the things I see in you are things I don't like about myself and have worked hard to overcome. Imagine that.
Good luck to you and enjoy the recital! Remember WHY you're there.
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Good first step Doc. You were mindful of the fact you were angry and you didn't run with it. You had a choice and you decided not to give into the emotion and let it escalate.
That is the hardest step, to pay attention to your internal weather and realize that you can decide how you want to respond rather than just running on auto pilot.
Your friend,
That is the hardest step, to pay attention to your internal weather and realize that you can decide how you want to respond rather than just running on auto pilot.
Your friend,
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You will be angry with her at times, she will be angry with you at times. Married or not. That's ok. It's when you don't realize the anger is building up and you don't work through it that it becomes toxic.
I was really nervous about my DD's confirmation a couple of weeks ago, first real thing we would go to as parents, together. It was fine. All that worry over absolutely nothing. I treated him politely as I would anyone else. I had my little DD there as well, she is 8. That helps too, something for us both to focus on.
I hope you go. I hope you have a nice time.
XXX
I was really nervous about my DD's confirmation a couple of weeks ago, first real thing we would go to as parents, together. It was fine. All that worry over absolutely nothing. I treated him politely as I would anyone else. I had my little DD there as well, she is 8. That helps too, something for us both to focus on.
I hope you go. I hope you have a nice time.
XXX
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Based on my experience when you learn how to pay attention to your thoughts and emotions they don't have near the same impact as they used to. What you are doing is training your brain to react differently to strong emotions, to develop new paths and responses.
Kind of like when you are learning a new sport. At first it feels awkward and you really have to concentrate on every little thing. As you get better more of it becomes a reflex, you don't even have to think about how to catch or throw a ball for example, you just do it.
So be patient and keep working at it. The results are well worth it.
Your friend,
Kind of like when you are learning a new sport. At first it feels awkward and you really have to concentrate on every little thing. As you get better more of it becomes a reflex, you don't even have to think about how to catch or throw a ball for example, you just do it.
So be patient and keep working at it. The results are well worth it.
Your friend,
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ha ha, Doc.
Great job on recognizing anger. Nothing wrong with anger, as long as there is an actual reason to be angry. M a y b e you had a reason, but I didn't see one in your post.
In regards to that last post at 7:11...why are you in your wife's head again?
We're going to need a bigger rubber band.
Great job on recognizing anger. Nothing wrong with anger, as long as there is an actual reason to be angry. M a y b e you had a reason, but I didn't see one in your post.
In regards to that last post at 7:11...why are you in your wife's head again?
We're going to need a bigger rubber band.
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I got a real reaction reading what you wrote in the Men's Room about your year long "flirtation" with a 20something woman from your office. why are you even bothering with marriage counseling?
I think you are one of those men who doesn't know what he wants... except of course for the usual, I think that you should not be asking mostly the women in F&F to give you advice. I think that maybe your wife sees through your façade too.
I think you are one of those men who doesn't know what he wants... except of course for the usual, I think that you should not be asking mostly the women in F&F to give you advice. I think that maybe your wife sees through your façade too.
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Originally Posted by DocSobrietist 
Yes.
I just wish the anger thing didn't happen. I don't want to be angry at my wife.
I think she's struggling with the same thing, to be fair.
-DrS
I just wish the anger thing didn't happen. I don't want to be angry at my wife.
I think she's struggling with the same thing, to be fair.
-DrS
I read you were angry and your wife was around.
Those can be two different things.
That is the learning curve I have had to tolerate and be on.
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Originally Posted by Fandy
I got a real reaction reading what you wrote in the Men's Room about your year long "flirtation" with a 20something woman from your office. why are you even bothering with marriage counseling?
I think you are one of those men who doesn't know what he wants... except of course for the usual, I think that you should not be asking mostly the women in F&F to give you advice. I think that maybe your wife sees through your façade too.
I think you are one of those men who doesn't know what he wants... except of course for the usual, I think that you should not be asking mostly the women in F&F to give you advice. I think that maybe your wife sees through your façade too.
Behold the power of NO
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Well, the guys gave you some overall good advice. Some really good men on SR 
Please pause and think on how your actions will very probably damage that young woman if it leads to an affair the same way your drinking damaged your wife.
Do you want to emotionally hurt another person (especially a young one who is probably looking for a mate, kids etc.)?
Please pause and think on how your actions will very probably damage that young woman if it leads to an affair the same way your drinking damaged your wife.
Do you want to emotionally hurt another person (especially a young one who is probably looking for a mate, kids etc.)?
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