hardhearts

Hi all! I've been sober since March 4 and after about two months of unwillingness and reluctance and spotty meeting attendance, I finally got a sponsor this past week and we started working the steps. Is that usually a lonely and emotional roller coaster? Haha. I find myself going around in circles about whether I'm wasting people's time, whether I should be here. I know I need to talk to my sponsor about it but I always worry I am annoying her when I call because I don't want to be overly needy already...

I've been called "high bottom" and my "research" on what the heck that even meant brought me here originally, lol. I'm a recent college grad with honors, going to a really good grad school in the fall, never lost anything material but certainly lost many things mental. I can go whatever length of time without drinking and I can prioritize my life (with minor annoyance)... but without fail whenever I went back to the bars it would be the same. I'm a blackout drinker. It got to where I was never happy or content being buzzed. If I could only have one or two drinks, I would get annoyed that I couldn't be drunk or that other people didn't want to be drunk, too. My drinking escalated from lower content drinks to the highest I could find (grain alcohol, long islands, etc). I feel awkward and lame in situations unless I'm drunk. Not finishing a bottle of wine once I opened it was unfathomable. Blackouts lead to mornings with lots of regret and anxiety. I got worried because my father is an alcoholic (a very successful, high-functioning one for many years before it got worse... should be a sign, huh?) and I have many others in my family. Similarities in our behavior were enough to get me to show up in the rooms, initially.

But I am always struggling with this idea that I'm not bad enough, I'm young and the behavior is normal, whatever stupid thing my mind is trying to tell me. I dunno what I'm looking for, I know no one can decide but me and this is probably nothing that hasn't been said 100 times. I just feel better getting it out. And I've heard the whole "only alcoholics think they need to hit a lower bottom in order to be alcoholics" - I guess I'm struggling to be honest with myself right now.

Anyway, glad to be here. Hoping I can find some good support and information.

Jsober

That could be my post as well. I consider myself a high bottom and hopefully it stays that way. Never got a DUI or lost externals. My bottom was deeply internal- couldn't stand the shame of blackouts and hopelessness alcohol brought me.
The nature of the disease makes me question my alcoholism from time to time. But I know in my core I'm an alcoholic. I know I'm not satisfied with a few, and if I drink more than a few I will lose control at some point.
You should talk to your sponsor about it. That's what a sponsor is there for. That is a very common issue.
Remember this disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful and is centered in our minds.

hardhearts

The "cunning, baffling, powerful" is what keeps me coming back some days. A part of me knows it is my disease telling me it's okay to go back out. The other part knows that if I do, there's a good chance I will never be able to control it and the knowledge I have now will ruin my drinking and mental state anyway.

I know I need to bring it up with my sponsor. I struggle with feeling annoying but that's my ego. I plan to when we meet next, probably. It seems kind of hard for me to communicate properly over the phone. We worked Step 1 and she pointed out the progression which is very evident over the last four years, where many of my friends drinking habits declined, mine got worse. She is not pushy about me figuring it out but she is adamant that the first step is the one you have to do perfectly. My grandsponsor likes to say she was a felony that was never convicted. I try to remind myself of this, also. Just because I got lucky doesn't mean I am any different from someone who didn't.

Dee74

Some of us have to crash and burn before we wake up - that was me. Others are smarter than that. Be one of the latter group, hardheart.

D

least

Welcome to the family. If you're looking for additional support in quitting drinking, you've come to the right place. SR is always open, there's always someone here, day or night. Lots of support here.

Anna

I know you don't have to go down further than you are now and I hope you don't. This disease is relentless and you will see that time and time again as you read around our forums. It will get worse unless you stop, so you're making the right decision by seeking support.

Hevyn

Welcome hardheart - it's great to meet you!

What Dee said - that was me too. I knew in my 20's that I didn't drink like other people. I couldn't fathom not having it in my life, so I spent many years trying to control what I drank. I always failed - and I ended up brought to my knees with a ruined life. This won't be you. Glad to have you here - you are not alone.

hardhearts

Thank you all so much. I appreciate the support and feedback more than I can say. Slowly coming to terms with the fact that despite being rather lucky it did some damage to me mentally and that's the essence of it. Some dialogue (here and in person) and some prayer tonight was helpful. Gonna keep coming back!