Roxxxy

My exabf caused me a lot of abuse mentally, emotionally, verbally and physically. Not to mention heartache. It's been over a year since our break-up, their has been no contact with one another due to how horrible the relationship & break-up was. Their is more to it but I won't get into detail because it's to much. My road back to happiness has been great but I feel it can be better. I still feel like I'm continousley healing. Everyday is better but I have yet to find peace with it all.

I want to forgive the situation. I can't ever see myself forgiving him because it will never be ok for how he treated me. Last night I had a moment of emotions where I almost drove to his place just to sit and talk and hope to have my questions answered of why.. Why.. Why. Yet, I knew it would open the doors back up so instead I went out with a few friends and a good friend was able to listen along with give some advice.

I continue to come onto this site because it makes me feel at ease. I read a lot of posts and some stories I can relate to. It has helped me a whole in finding some peace of mind.... so thank you!!!

I'm actually hoping I can get some feedback with some questions I have. Maybe It shouldnt matter anymore because the relationship is long gone but it's just been a roller coaster for me. Any feedback to my questions would be greatly appeticiated. I apologize beforehand if this all sounds silly but these are just some thoughts (questions) I've been obsessing about from time to time after break-up. Questions I wanted to ask my exabf myself but u know I will never get the answers from him.

- does the Alcoholic know the pain he/she causes their partner?
- do they know exactly what their doing as in taking it all for granted and using you until they know longer have use for you?
- do they ever sit back and feel guilty about all the damaged they've created with partner; heartache, break-up just guilt and if so is it a sincere feeling?
- do they ever have emotions and feelings? Do they miss what could have been?
- do they really believe you are better off without them? Re: them being alcoholic.
- do they wish they can go back and fix everything?
- do they even care in general??

lillamy

I can't tell you about your ex. But I can tell you about my recovery journey. I asked all those questions. Until one day -- and it really was pretty sudden -- I realized that I didn't care anymore. That what was important to me was not to understand and forgive him but to understand and forgive myself. For not leaving earlier. For putting up with the abuse. For letting myself be diminished and belittled and harmed.

What have you done for yourself, for your recovery, during the year since the breakup? I'm asking because you're right -- you won't get answers from an actively abusing addict, you will just get more harm.

I would gently suggest that if you are still obsessed with questions about how he feels after a year, you might want to focus more on you and less on him?

hopeful4

I think it depends on the alcoholic. My X is a narcissistic alcoholic. I believe he has mental issues that go beyond alcoholism. It's self medication.

I don't think he can understand why my focus was always on the alcohol, why I thought it was unacceptable. I still do, but now it's on him, not me. I don't think he could ever wrap his mind around the pain. I think they know how to manipulate to keep their #1 in their lives, the alcohol. The rest is just not as important.

embraced2000

accepting the fact that none of the nonsense and craziness I went through, would ever have a sane answer, was one of the big moments of discovery for me.

then, after I quit obsessing about getting sane answers from a very sick person who had treated me so poorly, I had to focus on why I stayed and accepted this behavior.

I spent over a year trying to get answers from my XAH....but none of them ever made any sense, if I even got one. it was wasted time. kept me in a real hurt place.

can't make sense out of nonsense.

ichabod

My RAH is in his 5th year of recovery and we've done a lot of talking about these questions. Everyone is different, but when I asked point blank if he cared that he was hurting me, his answer was, "no." When asked to elaborate, he said that in his mind he was doing everything right and that although he loved me he often considered me an obstacle to living his life his way as a drunk. He didn't consider my feelings and at the time he didn't feel guilty at all.

Now, he says he can never forgive himself for putting his family through hell and tries to make it up to me in a million (sometimes annoying) ways. He knows he can't go back to fix anything but he makes an obvious effort to put everyone else first.

I was incredibly hurt when he first told me that he didn't consider me at all when he was drinking. I wanted him to say, "I wanted to do the right thing but I just couldn't." He's very clear that although he's an addict, he also made his choices. He feels very guilty about those choices, but he owns them too.

It took me months to process him telling me that he hadn't cared. I saw him in a different light. He's never been abusive and had many periods of sobriety over the years and is generally a very kind person so our relationship was never awful, but I had to come to terms with it not being as important to him as it was to me.

Roxxxy

Thank you for all your feedback.

You ask what am I doing for myself, for my recovery? Uh well.. as far as professional help I can't afford to see my therapist and I have yet to attend an alanon meeting. I actually have mixed feelings about attending alanon. I'm afraid to go into details on why fearing I might offend anyone or make myself sound weird lol

Therefore, in the meantime I'm just trucking along living life to the very best that I can each day. I suffer from depression to begin with so keeping myself occupied daily is my medicine. I have a good social life with friends who respect and care for me. I have a family who loves me unconditionally. I date here and there and I have a great job that brings the ambition back into my life. I feel all these things help me towards healing. However, I fear I may be suffering from major heartache and sometimes nothing can heal a broken heart. I'm trying my best to keep positive but it just still hurts. I don't know how to find peace with it all.

jacrazz

Love his honesty!! Now if we can just be honest with ourselves and STOP blaming the Alcoholic and start looking in the mirror. Instead of asking the A "Why are you doing this to me?" We need to ask look within and ask ourselves "Why am I doing this to me?"

redatlanta

Does the alcoholic know the pain he/she causes their partner? Sometimes. Though many times the A has no recollection of what they have done or said. I think when they do recognize it though they may feel guilt that is quickly pushed out of the picture so they can continue with drinking guilt free.

- do they know exactly what their doing as in taking it all for granted and using you until they know longer have use for you? I'd have to say no. While actively drinking they are simply on auto-pilot searching for the next drink.

- do they ever sit back and feel guilty about all the damaged they've created with partner; heartache, break-up just guilt and if so is it a sincere feeling? I think sporadically. But the desire to drink is so powerful that these feelings get squashed. Additionally they do not remember a lot of what they do.

- do they ever have emotions and feelings? Do they miss what could have been? Sure they have emotions and feelings for instance the death of a loved one is sad to an A. However, the bottle is their driving force so one may not see what their true feelings are.

- do they really believe you are better off without them? Re: them being alcoholic. I think deep down inside they know they are a burden. The existence of an A is very dependent on a Codie and Enabler so regardless of knowing they aren't good for you they NEED you and most of the time they aren't going to leave for this reason.

- do they wish they can go back and fix everything? Not while actively drinking. Perhaps when in recovery.

- do they even care in general?? I would say yes but see you are applying Normie thinking when asking all these questions too an illogical situation. They drink because they have too. And no matter how they feel be it guilt, sadness, or observation that they are causing pain they cannot stop until they no longer want to let alcohol control their lives. The people that get caught in their train wreck are merely casualties of war. Its not personal. It really isn't.