FireSprite

Those 2 little words really Light My Fire sometimes....


I would rather that he not say ANYTHING instead of saying, "I understand" when it is beyond obvious that he does NOT understand what I am saying AT ALL. A lot of the time he simply can't understand my Codie POV any more than I can understand his POV as an addict.

I would respect it if he took the time to detach, take some space & think about it before saying, "I understand"... instead of just spouting it off like an automated response; he might actually mean it if he took time to think about it.

Because what he's REALLY saying (or what I am really hearing, perhaps) is:

"I-just-want-you-to-stop-talking-about-this-&-stop-being-angry-with-me-so-I-will-say-whatever-I-think-will-make-you-shut-up-right-now....but-what-I'm-NOT-willing-to-do-is-to-stop-listen-and-actually-HEAR YOU. I just want this moment to be over."


Having a frustrating morning - needed to vent before I blew up; thanks for listening.

wanttobehealthy

I could have written this post... I totally, completely get the frustration! People who do "understand" dont remark in the smarmy self righteous "I understand" way my xAH used to. It was beyond obvious it wad a polite way to say shut the f up WTBH and my solution to not being agitated by it is simply to not talk to xAH about anything of substance anymore.

Florence

MINE TOO. Except my STBXAH didn't even try to hide his contempt, and would just say "I know," to everything I said, even if he and I both knew he didn't actually know.

Hawkeye13

When this happens to me, I ask the person to please restate what I said so I can see if what I intended to convey got across.

If they are BSing or really just want to shut you up, they can't or won't.

It puts the cards on the table, but you have to be willing to do the same

wanttobehealthy

We were married to the same man... Lol

FireSprite

I do too, lol.... talk about a deer in headlights reaction most of the time.

When he was actively drinking it was awful - one conversation in front of a mutual friend went like this....

Me: I need/want A, B, C.

Him: Yeah, I GET IT....{way off on a tangent about X, Y Z}

Me: Did you hear what I just said? Tell me what you heard...

Him: YES!!!! You need/want X, Y, Z!!!! I GET IT!!!

Friend: Dude, wth?!


To be fair he used to say the "I GET IT" it with contempt but he IS working on changes like this with his communication so it isn't so much offensive in tone any longer so much as it is dismissive, "Yes, Dear, I understand...". I had to walk away so I didn't trigger off like a madwoman because 2 wrongs wouldn't make it right.

IMO, he still personalizes too much of what I say/share. Often when I talk he immediately assumes he's at some kind of fault & switches to defensive mode. {which, at this point, now makes the convo about HIM & his reaction to my problem moreso than the issue itself, does that makes sense? I can't tell you how many times I've said "This isn't about YOU!"}

His go-to used to be to get loud, divert my attention, intimidate me off-topic (neutralize me) ... so in correcting that behavior he goes too far in the opposite direction - trying to end the convo asap. So "I understand" means, "just stop talking now".

He spends so much time/attention "managing" the conversation that the content just gets lost & I get left feeling completely unheard. It's one of his few Codie traits - he just wants me to Feel Better Right Now because it causes him discomfort when I'm not happy.

When he truly listens I can tell. He is engaged, makes eye contact, takes time to think before speaking & we have a great 2-way conversation.

Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.