Lifeless

My husband is a functional alcoholic. He has a very good job and is thought of highly at work with promotions, bonuses etc... But at home all he does is drink. I work on weekends and when I get home he is passed out most of the time, sometimes he is outside in front of my neighbors passed out in a chair. or in the house either way it disgust me. We always wind up in an argument, he slams doors, yells, and punches holes in doors, dents in frig etc... I have tried everything from talking to yelling with him to ignoring him. He won't get help..says he doesn't need it.
I have asked him to leave but he won't, and as everyone says "you leave" but I won't, the reason that I won't leave is because this is my house and I am not leaving him in it to burn it down or it be vandalized because he passes out with the house wide open all hours of the night.
I have tried Al-anon but I just can't sit and read a book and be told that the meeting is not to get advice but to seek help for ourselves. I need to talk..what have others done? what works? How can I get myself to the point of just filing for a divorce.
I am a mental mess with all of this. I need some advice

wanttobehealthy

If he refuses to leave you could file for legal separation or divorce and ask in the temp order that you have residential custody of the house. He would have to leave if a judge says so.

Starshines

Lifeless, I'm sorry you're going through this. If you've attempted to talk to him rationally and he still doesn't think he needs help, then there's not much else you can do, other than issuing an ultimatum. Either he gets help/stops drinking, or you're changing the locks and he's on his own. You have every right to do that if it's your house, and that puts the ball in his court. He has to be the one to decide what is more important: your marriage or his booze. If you're already hell bent on divorcing him and made that definite decision, then tell him that and don't waste any more of your time. If you're willing to give it a chance, then he needs to meet you halfway and get the help, otherwise he's made your decision easier for you.

Good luck. (Hug)

Mango blast

What works for me is the Serenity Prayer and a twist on that:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ty-prayer.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ty-prayer.html

I ignored my own recovery for a long time. It was only after I started to actively work the steps and reach out for help for myself from addiction professionals that things started to change in my life.

Have you considered individual counseling with someone who specializes in addictions? This can help jump start sorting through that mental mess. I'm familiar with that and understand how frustrating this is.

SparkleKitty

When I was lost and in crisis I sought the help of a therapist. Best decision I ever made.

Lifeless

I am thinking more on the counselor idea, trust me when I say I have bent over backwards in this marriage, a few years ago I was very addicted to wine and would get mouthy, he told me " him or the wine" I chose him. Now all I can do is threaten and that is as far as it gets. I am a christian and I pray for God to give me the strength to make him leave. He is H--- bent on the idea of if he leaves he is taking everything with him (of course) which is fine with me, I need new stuff anyway (thanks to him). I bought my house with inheritance money and hope the judge would not see it as marital property.
I just can't believe my marriage turning out this way. I am in my late 50's. I was so independent now I'm scared.

hopeful4

Therapy and Celebrate Recovery is what I can credit my sanity to today. I hope you do whatever you need to do to take good care of YOU!

XXX

Lifeless

To the people that went through a divorce or what ever you did.. how did you finally make that decision? Tell me your story please!

hopeful4

I just got my divorce papers notorized today.

I went through 18 years with this man. I stuck by him in the good times and the bad. I listened to every lie in the book. I put up with all that he has done. I put up with him getting charges pressed out of a drunken rampage that cost about $23k total. I kept going back, kept believing the lies.

My children are now 8 and 14. As they have gotten older I have realized how much it affects them. I was filled with rage, anxiety, fear, all sorts of horrible things.

He went on one last drunken bender at home. In front of my daughter he called me some terrible names, and he pushed me. That was it for me, it became so clear in my mind it was like a blinking light. I told him he had two seconds to leave and not come back or I would call the police. I called his sister and said I could not care less if you pick up the drunk that is raving in my drive or the police can, your pick. She picked him up, I filed for divorce.

It is like a million pounds was lifted from my shoulders immediately. You see, by nature I am a pretty happy go lucky person. He was quite literally sucking the life out of me. I feel like I have my life back. I will always have to deal with him on some level b/c we have kids together, but I do not have to live with the day to day chaos of trying to figure out what his next manipulation would be. Would he be drunk or sober when I got home? I did not go out of town much for fear he would drink. I worried always when I was away from him b/c I just knew he would drink. He made the choice, now he has to live with it.

It sounds quite harsh, but there it is. I only get one crack at life, I want to be the best I can be for both myself and my family.

Be strong.

XXX

Thumper

I spent a number of years in the same spot you are in. I could really identify with your post. I was completely exhausted in every way imaginable. We had gone on vacation with my cousin and her husband and before she left she gave me a hug and said if there is anything you need, I am here. We had not even talked about it. I was so sad, and lost, and overwhelmed, and *flat* that I didn't even see my life. Things had gotten so bad. It was the worst most drunken vacation ever. It hit me that I had become the person I used to never understand. I had to get out of that and I had to get my kids out of it and I came home and asked him to leave for awhile. He completely refused and so I went and talked with a lawyer. I filed for divorce as a way to make him leave the house. He went to rehab and came home and relapsed and he would not seek a program of recovery so I carried through with the divorce.

ETA: Get a counselor that has experience with addictions. It helped me more than I can say.

m1k3

I haven't gotten a divorce but I did move out 3 years ago. I left when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. Until that moment I couldn't see myself leaving then all of a sudden I couldn't see myself staying.

I think the term is a moment of clarity.

Your friend,

Trailsky

We are not divorced but separated. For me it was the last relapse. It was like I got hit in the stomach and couldn't breath anymore. I felt like I was going to die if I had to live with him for one more second. I was so hurt and angry.

Since the separation he has shown his true colors. He became physically and verbally abusive.

I am so glad I asked him to move out. Now I need to tackle the divorce.

Lifeless

Trailsky, I wish I could get to that point. I came home from work tonight and my AH and my brother have been going at it. My brother has had it with the way I am treated, but it doesn't make matters any better. I pray to God every night for me to be able to get to the point where I can make my AH leave. He was so good for two days and that just makes me fall in love with him again but then the weekend comes and it starts all over again.
My prayers will be answered I just hope soon.

Lifeless

Thumper..You are stronger than I am I just want so bad to get to that point.

Designgrl

I guess I finally woke up enough to pull my head outta my ass and decide that even though leaving would mean I had to start all over again...new job, move, be alone...it was a lot less scary than staying with him and continuing to lose myself through his abuse.
Life is so short....don't waste it staying some where you are unhappy!

Thumper

Well it turns out we are all just as strong as we have to be.

You know - I was at my weakest then. Completely broken and confused. I just typed it out there in one neat little paragraph. It was a bumpy road and if you read some of my earliest posts you'll see that I was a huge mess. I wasn't sure about anything.

Hang on. Keep reading. You'll find what you need to do what is right for you.

Have you read Co-Dependent No More. It is a book and I found it really helpful. At the top of this forum there are posts that are 'stickied' so they are always on top. There is some really great information there to look through.