anewpage

It's exhausting. My brain is on the go, all day long, obsessing about alcohol. I'm currently on Day 10 but my mind goes from "I'm so proud of myself, I never wanna drink again!" to "I need vodka, how can I get some right now?" within minutes. It's back and forth, back and forth, and I just want it to stop. Having a drink would make it stop because the decision would be made. But I don't want to throw 10 days down the drain and start over again. I try to think about how bad I always feel after drinking but it's getting harder. It doesn't seem to be working today.
I used alcohol to escape my head for awhile, and now I don't have that anymore, I'm forced to be me all the time, and I'm finding that very difficult. I suffer from depression and social anxiety and panic attacks. Alcohol was my crutch. I am on meds for these conditions but they're not as satisfying or as fast-acting as vodka was. Vodka made me feel alive. Meds just make me sleepy.
I apologize for my rambling. I'm just stuck at home with little kids all day and my brain is in overdrive and I just feel like there are triggers everywhere.
I do have plans to go to an AA meeting tonight. I'm determined not to back out of it, but my resolve is dwindling with every passing minute. I was so hopeful yesterday. Why do I feel defeated this morning? Sigh.

RazaR

Yup, such is the roller coaster we are on. I have had great days, blah days, and omg I need a drink days. It's not easy but I hear it will get a little easier in time. We just need to tough it out on those bad days.

Hang in there... keep taking them on, one day at a time.

Mags1

Hi newpage, sorry you're having a struggle, it's not all plain sailing, it's like the battle of the wolves inside our heads sometimes, it's been on sr several times, an Indian saying, I think. When asked which wolf wins the battle the reply is, the one you feed.

Try not to feed your cravings with alcohol, there are a lot of good non - alcohol drinks to try.

Might be worth popping to see doc again, I'm on anti depressant and other meds but they don't make me sleepy or tired. There are a lot of different types maybe another one would suit you better.

Take care

biminiblue

As long as you are giving a thought to drinking as an option, you're going to have a tough road.

Once you accept that you can never drink again, then your focus shifts to, "How can I build a life with support that will help me not to drink?"

AA is a good start. But there are things in AA that will make you anxious, too. It is about learning to sit with your anxiety and not act on it in unhealthy ways. Cravings only last five minutes or less if you don't go down that mental path of, "Where can I get some?" Part of early sobriety is learning to slow down the brain, distract with positive thoughts, find other activities, new sober friends, healthy mind exercises.

Hang in there.

Samsonsworld

Social anxiety and panic attacks were a huge reason why I started drinking regular in my teens. Turns out that crutch wasn't helping me at all. My work has forced me to face my demons and I can tell you it gets better if you'll face your fears head on, but it takes years to do it. Confidence grows. Fears subside. I used to have trouble even talking to a stranger wihtout freaking out. I've always shied from groups. Now I get up and speak in front of 50+ people fairly regular. No sweat. Whatever triggers your fear, just remember it's in your head. It's not real. Don't ever belittle yourself. Don't let others beat you down. You deserve respect. Everybody deserves respect. Believe it!

ReadytoBeme79

I'd also say if you think your meds need adjusting to speak with your doc about that. I know from experience that a lot of that is tinkering with it until you get a cocktail that works.

Nonsensical

Oh no, I've been reading again.

Affective Forecasting is predicting our emotional state in the future. When we underestimate our coping skills (which is common) we tend to predict our future emotional state will be bad. Thinking about being unhappy in the future makes us unhappy now.

The prescription is to strengthen coping skills. If we work on those our confidence in them rises and our affective forecasting of our future mental state improves - which in turn makes us feel happier now.

I know it's tough right now ANP, but this is where the rubber meets the road. You have work to do to get over the hump. AA is one way to go, and if you work at it your coping skills will increase.

No turning back.

nmd

Being home with little ones is tough. I have three boys that are elementary school age, and believe me as wonderful as they are, there isn't a single day where one of them isn't acting up. It's stressful, and as you mentioned life can have other stresses, anxiety, depression. I get to work during the day, so I at least get that reprieve mentally.

If you've gone this far being at home with little ones, then I have to say you are doing amazing! With time I think, the times where you think about drinking will get less and the times you feel "I'm so proud of myself, I never wanna drink again!" will get longer.
Keep taking care of yourself, you've already gone a long way.

FreeOwl

I can relate to this.... it does slow down and fade away.... not entirely, but tolerably.

work a program. that helps.

pupkin

Hey newpage--congrats on day 10! That's tremendous. I totally related to what you said about feeling like your best medicine had been taken away. That's been the hardest part about sobriety for me, too. Alcohol has always been the thing that works better for me than everything else: my best reward in good days, best reward on bad days, and the very best way to wind down on all the other days. It feels sad and unfair to think that you don't "get" to have that "tool" anymore.

All those kinds of days aren't going away, so what's left for you? I've tried (and am continuing to try) to retrain my thinking about how I'm feeling. Embrace the good and bad equally. Hunger naturally makes us want to eat--unless you're trying to lose weight. Then you can embrace a common-day hunger pang as a sign you're doing something right. And the pang will fade.

And each day your resistance muscles will get a tiny bit stronger. You'll be stronger on Day 11 than you are right now.

Easy to say. Hard to do. Believe me I know. Hang in there. You're doing great.

anewpage

Thanks so much for all the responses. I'm struggling badly today, but it helps to vent on here.

ReadytoBeme79

Feel free to vent away.

Chicagoan

We all have been there (I'm not completely out of the woods)
and we understand your anxiety and cravings, you are amongst
kindred souls. When you are feeling low, instead of going to
the "store", come here and get it off your chest.

Kallistia

I understand. I don't have any advice because I'm on the struggling roller coaster myself...but I do understand completely what it is you are feeling and experiencing.

anewpage

Still battling the AV. I was on my way home from an AA meeting last night and got the urge. I had to force myself to drive past the store and not stop to buy wine. Even though I came out of the meeting happy and hopeful, that voice is still there. I'm learning to quiet it. But I can have whole conversations in my head with it.
Just one drink... no one will have to know...
NO. I don't drink anymore.
Really? Is that really what you want?
YES, I want sobriety.
No you don't. You're not like those AA people...
etc etc.

least

Either ignore that Voice or talk back to it. Tell it to stfu. Every time you say no to the voice you get stronger. Eventually you won't even hear the voice. It will be a dim whisper of what used to be.

Needinghelp82

How are you doing today?

I suffer from panic attacks and anxiety and part of how I'm where I am now is due to using it as a crutch.

No advice as I'm only on the first day but can relate a lot to what you have posted.

Anna

You can quiet your mind with meditation, and you won't need vodka or medication.

anewpage

Same here, needinghelp. depression, social anxiety and panic attacks. Thought I could deal with that by using alcohol. And it works! Problem is...well, all the issues that come with being drunk all the time. I'm sure you know exactly how that is. :p

Needinghelp82

Unfortunately I do. It's tricky because I know I'm going to have moment, like before, where I crave the quick fix of a glass of wine. If it could stop there that would be one thing but, as an alcoholic, that control isn't there.

Well done on getting so far though and not stopping by the shop.