Addicts living at home: Are you hurting your kids?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Addicts living at home: Are you hurting your kids?
Addicts living at home: Are you hurting your kids?
~Amanda Andruzzi
Children: Co-addiction Does Not End With You
If you are in a relationship with an addict and children are involved (co-addiction relationships), you may need to deal with some consequences in the next generation. If you’ve started thinking, “I am married to an addict!”, or if your spouse has recovered or you removed your children from the situation and are in recovery, the psychological effects and learned behaviors experienced may not end with the co-addict and addict. The damage may reach as far as your offspring.
A double-edged sword
On one side, children of addiction may be genetically predisposed to addictive behaviors and were most likely exposed to the patterns of the addicted parent. On the other side, they also bear the genes of the co-addicted parent and have most likely witnessed their unhealthy behaviors as well. Behaviors children have witnessed from both parents may not have been necessarily healthy.
If a family is dealing with an actively addicted parent, then this could be considered a family in crisis. Although a crisis can be conquered, sometimes these times of crisis can last weeks, months, years, or even the entire span of a child’s life.
If I am in recovery does that mean my child is?
I finally left my unhealthy co-addictive marriage with my five year old daughter. We moved from a seventy-five hundred square foot home with five bedrooms and six baths, into a one bedroom, one bath, we now had to share. Life was different not just on the inside but on the outside as well.
I remarried, and started a wonderful new family. I felt free for the first time. I had no connection with my ex-husband and therefore, he had no influence on my daughter anymore. I changed my unhealthy patterns. My daughter never spoke of her father and excelled in school. She looked happy and seemed to be thriving. I thought everything was fine. We made it through…a clean break!
I left my husband while my daughter was still young so I assumed she did not experience or see much. But one day I watched my daughter staring at another little girl with her father. I saw that there was a father-daughter connection she recognized but knew she was missing. Exposing her to her father, still an active addict, was not the right choice, but I needed her to be able to open up about how she was feeling. I sent her to a community program that helped children of addicted parents. I knew that her walking away unscathed was not possible, but how much more she needed I was unaware of. As it turned out, she saw everything; she knew things that I thought I protected her from.
Setting a good example and moving forward is the best route to take in breaking the cycle of addiction, but there may be psychic scars, emotional voids, and unhealthy behavior patterns your child may still be living with.
6 things you can do for your child
1. Be open and honest.
Be open and honest with your child without disclosing all of the dirty details. Make sure they know the lines of communication are open. Sometimes asking them over and over again how they are, might help them open up. Showing you care about them and how they feel is a great way to support them and show them they matter. It is more than likely their needs were pushed to the side for the addicted parent and rebuilding trust and faith in you as a parent is very important.
2. Lead by example.
If you and your spouse continue the cycle of addiction, it is more than likely that is all they will know. If you set a good example, exhibit healthy behaviors, and lead a happy life, they will likely follow. Children take cues from their parents; if a parent is constantly angry, depressed or worried, this will affect a child’s ability to feel like a child. If you get help, this is a great start.
3. Maintain friends and activities.
Try and maintain friendships for them. Allow them to be around other children, play, and most of all, act like children. In an age of play dates, sometimes this is not always easy, so buddy up with a friend and one day you watch their child and the other they can watch yours. Find a friend who will understand your situation and if something comes up, drop them at a friend’s house rather than see you go through a tough situation.
4. Find community support.
There are countless numbers of programs for children of addicted parents. Help is out there. These programs are designed to address the issue of addiction gently and allow children to open up to their feelings about what they have experienced in a safe environment.
5. Seek therapy
Even if you think your child is perfectly untouched by your situation, sometimes it is a good idea to have a professional double check. A lot of times, children will be strong for their parents. They will not tell their parents how they feel like they will tell an unbiased party. I learned a lot about how my daughter really felt after sending her to a therapist.
6. Dance!
Dance, wiggle, shake, and sing with your children. Dance with reckless abandon. Show them a good time. Experiencing happiness and fun with you will let them know you are okay and if they see you are happy and okay, they might follow suit.
Just because you are okay, does not necessarily mean your children are. Children are sponges. They absorb everything that goes on around them. It is never too late to stop them from repeating the same cycle of addiction they grew up in. You can take action now and help them heal, grow and flourish.
~Amanda Andruzzi
Children: Co-addiction Does Not End With You
If you are in a relationship with an addict and children are involved (co-addiction relationships), you may need to deal with some consequences in the next generation. If you’ve started thinking, “I am married to an addict!”, or if your spouse has recovered or you removed your children from the situation and are in recovery, the psychological effects and learned behaviors experienced may not end with the co-addict and addict. The damage may reach as far as your offspring.
A double-edged sword
On one side, children of addiction may be genetically predisposed to addictive behaviors and were most likely exposed to the patterns of the addicted parent. On the other side, they also bear the genes of the co-addicted parent and have most likely witnessed their unhealthy behaviors as well. Behaviors children have witnessed from both parents may not have been necessarily healthy.
If a family is dealing with an actively addicted parent, then this could be considered a family in crisis. Although a crisis can be conquered, sometimes these times of crisis can last weeks, months, years, or even the entire span of a child’s life.
If I am in recovery does that mean my child is?
I finally left my unhealthy co-addictive marriage with my five year old daughter. We moved from a seventy-five hundred square foot home with five bedrooms and six baths, into a one bedroom, one bath, we now had to share. Life was different not just on the inside but on the outside as well.
I remarried, and started a wonderful new family. I felt free for the first time. I had no connection with my ex-husband and therefore, he had no influence on my daughter anymore. I changed my unhealthy patterns. My daughter never spoke of her father and excelled in school. She looked happy and seemed to be thriving. I thought everything was fine. We made it through…a clean break!
I left my husband while my daughter was still young so I assumed she did not experience or see much. But one day I watched my daughter staring at another little girl with her father. I saw that there was a father-daughter connection she recognized but knew she was missing. Exposing her to her father, still an active addict, was not the right choice, but I needed her to be able to open up about how she was feeling. I sent her to a community program that helped children of addicted parents. I knew that her walking away unscathed was not possible, but how much more she needed I was unaware of. As it turned out, she saw everything; she knew things that I thought I protected her from.
Setting a good example and moving forward is the best route to take in breaking the cycle of addiction, but there may be psychic scars, emotional voids, and unhealthy behavior patterns your child may still be living with.
6 things you can do for your child
1. Be open and honest.
Be open and honest with your child without disclosing all of the dirty details. Make sure they know the lines of communication are open. Sometimes asking them over and over again how they are, might help them open up. Showing you care about them and how they feel is a great way to support them and show them they matter. It is more than likely their needs were pushed to the side for the addicted parent and rebuilding trust and faith in you as a parent is very important.
2. Lead by example.
If you and your spouse continue the cycle of addiction, it is more than likely that is all they will know. If you set a good example, exhibit healthy behaviors, and lead a happy life, they will likely follow. Children take cues from their parents; if a parent is constantly angry, depressed or worried, this will affect a child’s ability to feel like a child. If you get help, this is a great start.
3. Maintain friends and activities.
Try and maintain friendships for them. Allow them to be around other children, play, and most of all, act like children. In an age of play dates, sometimes this is not always easy, so buddy up with a friend and one day you watch their child and the other they can watch yours. Find a friend who will understand your situation and if something comes up, drop them at a friend’s house rather than see you go through a tough situation.
4. Find community support.
There are countless numbers of programs for children of addicted parents. Help is out there. These programs are designed to address the issue of addiction gently and allow children to open up to their feelings about what they have experienced in a safe environment.
5. Seek therapy
Even if you think your child is perfectly untouched by your situation, sometimes it is a good idea to have a professional double check. A lot of times, children will be strong for their parents. They will not tell their parents how they feel like they will tell an unbiased party. I learned a lot about how my daughter really felt after sending her to a therapist.
6. Dance!
Dance, wiggle, shake, and sing with your children. Dance with reckless abandon. Show them a good time. Experiencing happiness and fun with you will let them know you are okay and if they see you are happy and okay, they might follow suit.
Just because you are okay, does not necessarily mean your children are. Children are sponges. They absorb everything that goes on around them. It is never too late to stop them from repeating the same cycle of addiction they grew up in. You can take action now and help them heal, grow and flourish.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Thank you for this, CO. I think that next to keeping your child safe from living in a home where active addiction exists, is talking openly to the child, at a level they will understand.
I was 6 when my father died (of cancer, no addiction issues) and when I was 7 a stranger who got in our home tried to kill my mother by hitting her with the blunt end of an axe. A freak thing, we lived in a nice neighbourhood not conducive to violence, and my mother suffered from epilepsy all her life because of the severe blow to her head. She managed to grab me and escape, and the man was caught, but it was a traumatic experience for a 7 year old girl.
None of this was talked about. In those days they thought I would be too young to remember. I remembered then and I remember now, every detail, and it caused me nightmares for years and years. I didn't want to talk about it to my mother because I was afraid it would make her sad. I had been my father's little nurse, so of course when he died I thought it was my fault for not being a good enough nurse...don't forget my little mind was 6 years old. And I thought the crazy man who hid in our basement and attacked my mother would be in any basement I ever went into. To this day (I am in my 60's), I fear basements and don't have one where I live.
Children know, children blame themselves and they have distorted childlike views of what happened and why.
If you are or have been living in a relationship where addiction existed, and if you have children of any age, please talk to them and also "listen". Open a dialogue where any time they want they can ask questions without fear of upsetting you. Counseling is a good place where they can open up too, although I know I feared strangers and was more likely to talk to my mother who I trusted.
We are adults, we can make choices of how addiction affects our lives. Children are the innocents who we must protect at any cost because they cannot protect themselves.
God bless the children, God bless the mamas (and dads) with children who have to make hard decisions.
Hugs
I was 6 when my father died (of cancer, no addiction issues) and when I was 7 a stranger who got in our home tried to kill my mother by hitting her with the blunt end of an axe. A freak thing, we lived in a nice neighbourhood not conducive to violence, and my mother suffered from epilepsy all her life because of the severe blow to her head. She managed to grab me and escape, and the man was caught, but it was a traumatic experience for a 7 year old girl.
None of this was talked about. In those days they thought I would be too young to remember. I remembered then and I remember now, every detail, and it caused me nightmares for years and years. I didn't want to talk about it to my mother because I was afraid it would make her sad. I had been my father's little nurse, so of course when he died I thought it was my fault for not being a good enough nurse...don't forget my little mind was 6 years old. And I thought the crazy man who hid in our basement and attacked my mother would be in any basement I ever went into. To this day (I am in my 60's), I fear basements and don't have one where I live.
Children know, children blame themselves and they have distorted childlike views of what happened and why.
If you are or have been living in a relationship where addiction existed, and if you have children of any age, please talk to them and also "listen". Open a dialogue where any time they want they can ask questions without fear of upsetting you. Counseling is a good place where they can open up too, although I know I feared strangers and was more likely to talk to my mother who I trusted.
We are adults, we can make choices of how addiction affects our lives. Children are the innocents who we must protect at any cost because they cannot protect themselves.
God bless the children, God bless the mamas (and dads) with children who have to make hard decisions.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
This is such good information!
I wish everyone dealing with addiction in their home would give this a good look, and meditate on it.
The children are the innocent victims.
Thank you for this post, Cynical.
If someone has children, and is dealing with addiction in the home, I pray they read this.
I wish everyone dealing with addiction in their home would give this a good look, and meditate on it.
The children are the innocent victims.
Thank you for this post, Cynical.
If someone has children, and is dealing with addiction in the home, I pray they read this.
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