jarp

I've been working hard at detaching and have been doing ok I think.

But detachment feels a little bit like denial. In not doing stuff like checking phones, knowing what is going on at work (we used to work together....I got another job), looking in bins, checking up on him via friends etc....and I know this is good, and right for me. And my anxiety is less, and I am focussing on me and the kids. So all good.

But it's feeling a little bit like denial. Like I can go on thinking everything is ok when I know it's not. I can see my ah struggling, I'm pretty sure he's not going to work a lot of the time/ leaving early to head to the bar, and I'm sure eventually he'll lose his job.

I'm struggling with not knowing...and feel like I am losing control over my own life bc so much of it is tied up in his life. For example he pays a large chunk of the mortgage...a mortgage I can't afford on my own. So I am struggling wi the not knowing....and wondering whether this is a smart thing to do.

Am I making sense at all??

SeriousKarma

You make perfect sense.

It sounds like your biggest concern is your finances. I can totally relate to that. Would checking up on him make any real difference in those finances? Or would the bottom line still be the same?

jarp

Well checking up on him won't change the outcome...that's for sure!!

If he loses his job things will change dramatically an do guess I want to be forewarned....

But I could also be making excuses to indulge in codie behaviour.

I was thinking how much freer i generally felt not knowing then I suddenly asked myself "is this what denial feels like".... And now I'm doubting myself...

embraced2000

I understand what you are saying.

in my own experience, I would do the same thing that you are describing.

after going through all the crap of it all, I can now look back upon it and see that I already knew all I needed to know about the activities of my xah. but I just kept wasting time, effort, and brain cells tracking down all the nonsense....once I had gathered the information....what did I have????? just more proof.

wasting all that effort in trying to track his actions kept me enmeshed in his own insanity, and eventually drove me quite crazy.

hopeful4

If you can see him struggling that about covers it. Why torture yourself on top of that. I would however make alternate financial plans. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and go on about your life.

XXX

BlueSkies1

I think detachment means to detach emotionally so that we can use our thinking heads instead of our feeling heads.

What detachment doesn't mean is to stick our heads in the sand and pretend what is going on isn't going on.

It sounds like you are afraid that you aren't making enough alternate plans should he lose his job, and you're afraid that you're sticking your head in the sand by not monitoring him, and not being able to forecast when exactly he could lose his job, but I don't think not being able to forecast his job lose is within your power, no crystal ball.

Hopeful4 has got it right. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. So, it's that preparation for the worst that is worrying you. What can you do to further prepare?

lizatola

Seconding a big AMEN to all of this!!! I still struggle with this behavior of mine, but it's gotten better since I am more aware.

Jarp: since you already know what's going on, have you started coming up with a plan B in case he does lose his job? What would that look like for you? How can you better prepare yourself for the future since you know what you know?

Those are the questions I now ask myself instead of getting wrapped up in what my AH is doing, I try to be proactive and work on planning while not future tripping too much. It's like a balancing act: too much thinking about the future brings fear, but the future does require planning so I stick to the facts and journal things and then start by making steps to plan for that future. I don't know if that made sense, LOL, but it comes down to awareness and just being ready for the other shoe to drop while staying calm in the process.

FireSprite

I agree with BlueSkies, my interpretation of detachment is that it's like giving myself a time-out to get some distance from whatever is happening & not jump right into knee-jerk reactions.

So for me it feels like part of Acceptance rather than Denial - the part that gives me some space to think through the reality of the situation, understand the limits of my control, assess my expectations & not just spin my wheels wasting my time & energy proving myself *right*.... which is all I ever got out of checking phone records, bank stmts, looking for empties, etc. anyway! I got to be right about my suspicions but that didn't DO anything. My results came from putting that same energy into something positive - managing my stress, spending time with DD, staying focused on the REAL needs in my world & what I could control.

RollTide

I went through the exact same thing. I look at it this way...it is not denial it is facing REALITY. Reality in that knowing about the irresponsible and insane behavior only made my anxiety higher and I could do nothing about it. I was/am truly better off not knowing, not engaging.

m1k3

With denial I pretend nothings wrong.

With detachment I accept I can plan for what ifs, like what if he loses his job, how will I take care of me and my child. It doesn't mean I try to fix him to prevent it from happening because I know that work.

Without detachment I am in crazy town trying to get him to see what is going on but he can't because he's in denial, so I try to break through his denial because I am in denial about being able to change, but he can't because he is in denial about his drinking and I try to ..... The loop never ends. With detachment I can step out of the loop.

Your friend.

m1k3

I thought about this a little more and I think it should read:

With denial I pretend nothings wrong or I pretend I have control and the power to fix it. I often flipped back and forth between the 2.

Your friend,

atalose

But you already have that warning, you said he's struggling -leaving work ealry to head to the bar............what more do you need???? Can't deny what you already know to be true no matter how hard you try.

If you already know things will change dramatically and that you alone will be unable to pay your mortgage - what emergency plans have you come up for when that happens besides waiting and wondring when?

Can you sell your home, downsize, move in with family or friends? These are the very REAL things you can do at any time you chose and actions are not a part of living in denial.

jacrazz

oh, that merry-go-round.....

Hammer

So.

The part ahead for you is to figure how to get by on YOUR income, and make sure that even THAT does not wind up backflowing to support HIM, HIS Addiction(s), HIS Detox (maybe, maybe not), HIS Rehab (maybe, maybe not) and the rest of the general bum-mery that may soon follow.

As far as how this ties into Alanon, etc. consider Tradition 7.