Butterfly

Really miss my husband I just wish he would seek help so he could come home. I know he's not at that place yet and may never be. At the minute he is using alcohol to cope with caring for his dying uncle who could continue to require care for many months. He's using this as an excuse to drink as he is saying drink is helping him manage at the minute.

I struggle to understand why he would chose alcohol over his family. He says he wants to be with me and is in love with me so why can't he fight for that?? Why does alcohol have such a big hold over him that he sacrifice his wife and kids??

I don't know why knowing he still wants to be with me and is still in love with me a friend said it's because it reassures me it's not my fault I think it's because it gives me hope that he will get help. Maybe I am wrong and maybe he is just saying that so he doesn't hurt me further!! I don't know all I know is that he know he has to stop drinking but doesn't want to. The kids and I are obviously not enough for him and that hurts. Alcohol obviously provides him with something I can't. I can't block out how bad he feels about himself or that his uncle is dying but I can provide him with love and support so why isn't that enough???

After having a positive day on Monday yesterday and today are not great days and I don't feel I can get through this. Today I can't stop crying feel lonely scared and confused! Scared of being on my own without him my future without him my life without him.

dandylion

Confused--It think you gave yourself the answer to your question---"I can't block out how bad he feels about himself or that his uncle is dying"......BUT The ALCOHOL DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Right there is your answer.

Alcohol is how the alcoholic copes with their feelings--both kinds..good and bad feelings. Without it they are like a fly without wings. Unable to function without great psychic discomfort.

At first, early on, alcohol makes the alcoholic feel good. So, it starts by drinking to feel good. After a while--since alcoholism is progressive over time--the alcoholic drinks to feel normal. Being drunk feels "normal" to the alcoholic. Then, after passage of more time, the alcohol brings pain and misery (due to the psychological and physical ravages that it brings). But, it is hard to quit without help---because of the withdrawl effects of stopping the intake. Both psychological and physical effects.

Confused--as logical as it may seem to you--his drinking has nothing to do with you. He is not drinking AT you...he is doing what alcoholics do...drink. Regardless of how he feels about you....he is not prepared to demonstrate his caring because the needs of his disease come first. This is why it is a disease and why it causes so much destruction to all that it touches.
I totally get how lonely and scared and confused and helpless you are feeling. That is what happens to those of us who love alcoholics--or addicts.

As bad as you feel---life still goes on. You will get through this and you can find a life for yourself that does not revolve around this dastardly disease. Love is not enough. It may be necessary to love from a distance so that we can continue to live ourselves.

Continue to study and learn...and get some support for yourself and what you are going through!!

We are here for you and understand.

dandylion

SeriousKarma

Great explanation Dandylion.

When I think of addiction I think of two people walking barefoot: If the non-addict steps on a thorn they think "Ouch! I better take that thorn out of my foot." If an addict steps on a thorn they think "Ouch! I better do something to deaden the pain." They'll leave the thorn in, pushing it deeper and deeper with each step, as long as they can deaden the pain. Of course, the "medicine" has side effects, and now the thorn is festering. The hurt is worse and they need more medicine, but the medicine has side effects, and now the whole foot is looking kink of funky, and it really, really hurts, and they need even more medicine, but the medicine has side effects.....


Confused, Sometimes the "why" and "what if" questions become an exercise in futility. I've searched for answers for 25 years. I have some pretty sound theories, but no real answers, other than the most important one. That for me to feel better I have to take care of myself, and the best way to do that is to surround myself with people who understand what it's like to love someone suffering with addiction.

I'm really glad you're here.

hopeful4

As I told my XAH, there will always be some tragedy. Always some reason to drink.

When his step dad died, I did not say anything when he drank. When his mom died I did not say anything. The reality is, they have to find ways to cope in life without drinking.

There will always be tragedy. There will always be celebrations. There will always be season changes. Any and all of these things could set him off on the next drinking binge. That is unacceptable and not something I am willing to gamble my future on, or that of my children. It's sad but very true.

Until they want recovery so badly and stop going to the bottle every time something is off in life, the cycle will continue.

So sorry.

XXX

Butterfly

I always thought love would conquer all (yes I'm a hopeless romantic) but I am slowly and painfully realising that it doesn't! When it comes to this disease the only thing that will conquer it is the determination of the addict to stop and seek help. My husband isn't at that point and may never be. I hope that changes and he realises what he risks losing but I'm not sure he will. He is so focused on moving into his new place and being on his own!

I miss the kind loving and thoughtful husband he can be when he's not drinking unfortunately when he wants to drink my anxiety didn't enter into it particularly when he continued drinking the next day although he couldn't drink as often as he wanted when at home. So maybe he did consider me to some point but not now if he would rather drink. Maybe that's what made him drink the next day. He said a few times that when he drank he always drank so much because it was as if he would never have another drink or didn't know when he would have another drink. Now he's not continuing to drink the next day but he can drink more often but not when ever he wants as he is living with his mum He told me that by being on his own he will know if he's not drinking it's because he chooses not to and not due to any other influences ie me!! There are days when all he wants to do is drink but can't as he's living with his mum. He said that he's not experiencing the guilt and the periods of low depression after drinking and I can only assume that's because he feels he's nothing to feel guilty for as he's left and can do what he wants. The periods of low depression would have occurred after a particularly bad binge where he would have been so remorseful and made all the promises in the world to get help only to talk himself round within a period of time that he could manage his drink.

He has hurt me deeply with his actions and choices and I miss him so much. The loneliness and fear of what the future holds for me is scary I can't imagine my life without him sad eh!!

honeypig

Confused, do you truly miss HIM or do you miss who you wish he was, who you dreamed of? If you can take off those romantic glasses and have a long hard look at the situation in the cold, clear light of day, you might realize that what you're really missing and really mourning is the hopes and dreams that you had, not the reality of life with an active A.

I thought my A would "make it all better" for me also. After 20 years together, I'm finally learning that I need to be my own knight in shining armor, and learning to look at him for who he truly is, right now, rather than who and how I want him to be or wish he was. Yes, it's scary, but it's also very empowering to realize that your happiness, your future, your life, does not depend on someone other than you, your very own self.

There is nothing wrong with mourning the ending of your wishes, hopes and dreams--take as long as you need. But try to bear in mind that, just as that particular part of your life comes to a close, an entirely new and much better one is opening wide before you.

Butterfly

The difficulty I have is that he wouldn't have drank every night he could go a few weeks without drinking it was when he drank he would have drank to the point of passing out then the next day drinking binges. Due to the history of his drinking when he would have drank for days on end I would be anxious when he drank in case he left the house in the middle of the night or carried on drinking the next day. Feb was bad as there were frequent binges then the promises he would get help but he could never follow through. I think back to the 2 weeks before he let this time and he left so he could drink all day and the next day he came home and told me "I can't believe I almost chose drink over you". I suppose I didn't understand or know how much alcohol had a hold over him I thought he was managing it well but with the deterioration in his uncles health he uses alcohol as a coping mechanism! This is why at times I think it's more to do with me and I'm not enough for him to give up drinking for.

I do think of our history and the difficult periods we have had due to alcohol throughout our marriage. I do miss him and the hopes, dreams and promises we had for our future. Our kids are older and this should have been our time together and I find myself alone and that scares me I don't want to be alone but I don't want to live anxiously wondering when my husband is going to drink and if it's going to turn into a binge.

I am still learning about addiction but even when I am reading about it and I can see some of the traits and thinking styles in my husband I still keep thinking he left because of me I'm not good enough and he can't be in love with me as much as he says he is or this wouldn't be happening. My own negative thinking doesn't help me to understand.

honeypig

Confused, I came across this while perusing some materials I'd saved in my recovery folder and thought it might be useful to you: Toxic Love - the dysfunctional, addictive, cultural norm

Hope you find some help here.

Butterfly

I do at times think of our relationship as toxic. I became so anxious about his drinking and insecure in our relationship as I was worried he was going to leave me because I felt I wasn't good enough. I drove myself crazy when he hooked up with old friends who were not good people he changed when he had been with them. Of course his friends told him and still do that he doesn't have a drink problem there is nothing wrong with having a few drinks. I have since learned that that is because they don't want to look at their own drinking behaviour. Any time I asked him to not socialise with them it turned into an argument. He said he couldn't just dump them as they had supported him through a difficult time (we had separated previously and this is when he began to socialise again with these people). He left me at that point and I realised that my husband will not do anything he doesn't want to do and things only change in our marriage when he's ready. He has also admitted that he didn't want to lose his place to go to have a drink.

So why do I want him back as when I look back over our 18 years together we have had so many difficulties mostly due to alcohol. My husband has never changed unless he wanted to never for me or to save our marriage. Why do I want to be with someone who puts everything and everyone before me and the kids. Am I that scared of being on my own that I would continue to put up with him and do anything he needs. At the minute I am giving him space to sort himself out as he wants to be on his own he said he doesn't know if he will ever want to come home and I know this is about he may never be ready to sort out his addiction while I'm hoping and praying he will wise up.

One thing I don't understand is that my husband said when he left that he can't keep letting me down and hurting me yet he won't let down his mum and his uncle who he is caring for not since his mum gave him the rounds of the kitchen just after he left us he continued to drink the next day but since that time he hasn't drank the next day and hasn't let them down. So why me and the kids????

He says that there are days when all he thinks about is drinking but doesn't as he is living with his mum but is able to drink more often during the week. His family don't say anything to him as they know he doesn't like to be told what to do. When at home he would have curtailed his drinking but when he drank it would more often have continued into the next day then the periods of low depression where he would promise to get help and how sorry he was.

dandylion

honeypig---thanks for the link! That is a very good website, I think. Appropriate for this site. Who, among us, hasn't had a little slice of the Toxic Love Pie?

dandylion

dandylion

Confused---this has nothing to do with you not being good enough. He is an active alcoholic and has a never-ending 24hr. a day compulsion to drink. It has nothing to do with you--it is about alcoholism that is running his life.

Anyone or anything that comes between the alcoholic and the ability to drink is viewed as the enemy---that includes you and the kids. He can't have both and, so, he chooses the drink (naturally).

You are beating yourself up to absolutely no avail! You are not the reason that he drinks.

You are still grieving the loss of the marriage that you wanted. That is natural and even necessary.

You will, eventually, grow past this. It hurts, but, won't always. Think of this as short-term pain for long-term gain.

Haven't you suffered long enough? Isn't it time for you?

Keep learning and keep posting. You are doing just fine.

dandylion