Advice Needed - How to drop D word?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 21
Advice Needed - How to drop D word?
For those who haven't followed my story, here's the recap: Husband is an alcoholic and substance abuser. I have tried to make the marriage work despite his issues. Moved out once, but promises of "change" made me move back in. Lasted 2 months then right back to old behavior. Recent arrest for disorderly conduct and property destruction while drunk made it click for me. Decided I was done. But, after bond, he had a medical issue and has been in the hospital all week. He's coming back tomorrow night, so I have 24 hours to figure out what I'm going to say to him. I hate kicking a man while he's down (jail, hospital, now wife is leaving), but the only other option is to lie, tell him all is well, and then pull the rug out in a few weeks when he's started to get back to normal. That seems worse to me so I think I should do this now. Neither of us can afford the house without the other so I figured it's easier for me and kiddo to leave since I have local family. He can stay here and drink or whatever he wants to do until we need to list the place to sell. I just need advice on what to say to him. Should I already be moved out when he gets home? Let him see his daughter one more time before I break his heart? Tell him I'm separating to soften blow? Tell him I'm divorcing? HELP.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Kick him while he's down. Maybe it's his bottom. Sorry to say, he caused this, not you. It's his problem, not yours.
If this were me, I would just leave. Tell him that you will not be there when he gets home because you are separating and want to get a divorce. And of course he can see his daughter at X time on X day. And he can stay in the house for now. And leave it at that. He is going to be mad, so you have to be ready for it. Don't fall into the trap again if this is what you really want to do. So just say that stuff to cover all your bases, and stop talking to him for a little bit-give him time to process it.
Personally though, I would definitely be gone before he gets home. It will be a million times harder to do it while he is there.
If this were me, I would just leave. Tell him that you will not be there when he gets home because you are separating and want to get a divorce. And of course he can see his daughter at X time on X day. And he can stay in the house for now. And leave it at that. He is going to be mad, so you have to be ready for it. Don't fall into the trap again if this is what you really want to do. So just say that stuff to cover all your bases, and stop talking to him for a little bit-give him time to process it.
Personally though, I would definitely be gone before he gets home. It will be a million times harder to do it while he is there.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I think it would be easiest for you and your daughter to be moved out when he gets home. You can call it a separation if you want. If you haven't consulted an attorney that might be the best route at first, until you know your options, legally speaking.
My ex always followed a trip to the hospital or jail with another drinking binge. Protect yourself and your child.
A word of advice, if you do leave get EVERYTHING you really really want or need on that first trip so he's not holding your stuff hostage or destroying it or selling it.
When my ex and I did our "trial separation" he insisted that I leave all the jewelry he ever gave me. I did, and when I returned it was all gone. The house had been a party/crash pad for every barfly in town all summer, so one of his "good buddies" stole it and pawned it for $ to drink or get high. I wish I had it to pawn now since he's not paying child support.
Hugs. I know how hard it is to even contemplate this step. Sending strength and courage your way.
My ex always followed a trip to the hospital or jail with another drinking binge. Protect yourself and your child.
A word of advice, if you do leave get EVERYTHING you really really want or need on that first trip so he's not holding your stuff hostage or destroying it or selling it.
When my ex and I did our "trial separation" he insisted that I leave all the jewelry he ever gave me. I did, and when I returned it was all gone. The house had been a party/crash pad for every barfly in town all summer, so one of his "good buddies" stole it and pawned it for $ to drink or get high. I wish I had it to pawn now since he's not paying child support.
Hugs. I know how hard it is to even contemplate this step. Sending strength and courage your way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 31
When I left XAH, it was just the right moment of the right day. I woke up, made a small bag, woke him up on the pee soaked couch, said I was leaving, and walked straight out. I sorted out the moving stuff a couple of weeks later when I'd had some distance and at least a little adjustment. Prior to that "right moment of the right day," I thought about how I would leave, what I would say to him, how I would hurt him, how I was a terrible person for basically kicking him when he was down. But THE day, none of that mattered anymore. I didn't need to have a conversation and explain why I was going. I didn't want him to even have a chance of changing my mind. How it might make him feel, for the very first time, no longer mattered.
I guess my point is, it was all about me in that moment. Taking one step after another in spite of the hurt for either of us. Try not to think too much about how he will feel, and if it's the right thing, do what you need to do for you.
I guess my point is, it was all about me in that moment. Taking one step after another in spite of the hurt for either of us. Try not to think too much about how he will feel, and if it's the right thing, do what you need to do for you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Take all documents, accounts, passports, cash or bonds, photos, jewelty, etc. Anything you csnnot live without getting back. Waiting to tell him will be awful in my opinion.
Good luck and God bless. Praying fot you!
Good luck and God bless. Praying fot you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I dont think there is ever and "easy" way to leave. Its such a tough decision no matter what. You have to do what is best for you and your child. You are very nice to consider his feelings about "kicking him while he is down". However, did he consider yours and your child's feelings when he got drunk and arrested for disorderly conduct or how it would affect the family when you all have to pay for the property damage he did? I doubt it. If it were me, I would put myself and my child first and his feelings would come last.he has to suffer the consequences of his actions. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: indiana
Posts: 158
Waiting will make it tough and weaken your resolve. I didn't act when I had the chance and now I'm back on the merry go round.
Come back here and read all your posts everyday as a reminder, that gave me the greatest strength.
Come back here and read all your posts everyday as a reminder, that gave me the greatest strength.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 46
misskitty, I am in a similar place. I don't know if any of these steps would be right for you, but here is what I did/am doing:
Living situation: We are separated. Because my AH has local family and we have a young child (and another set to arrive any day), he is living with his parents while I stay at the house. He does not have a key and I have made it clear that he needs to ask before dropping by if he needs to retrieve something. He is cooperating.
Time with our son: We go week by week with when he can spend time with our son, but it is always supervised by his mom. He does not drive our son anywhere (arrested for OWI last month), either. Usually, our arrangement is 1-2 overnights during the week, and sometimes Friday night into part of Saturday. No full weekend visits...there are too many variables for me to be comfortable with that. Again, he is cooperating.
Finances: When he got arrested, he acknowledged that he needed to take financial responsibility for the fallout. I opened my own checking account, switched my direct deposit arrangements and proposed a split of our joint fixed expenses (mortgage, child care, etc.). I separated our joint car insurance policies, paid off our joint credit card and closed the account, and split our remaining funds in half. We really are operating independently from each other in the financial sense, even though we are still married.
Other legal stuff: Unbeknownst to him, I revoked his financial and medical powers of attorney. He can't make decisions or conduct transactions on my behalf anymore.
Divorce: I am not ready to divorce him yet, but I still retained an attorney and completed the paperwork that would be necessary should I decide to file. I made copies of important documents and am documenting our interactions/journey just in case any of that is needed down the road.
None of this was easy to do, but I did it in stages and kept the lines of communication open. When he was in denial about his problem, I focused on arranging safe time for him to spend with our son. When he got arrested, I made the financial changes and worked with the support of his parents to tighten things regarding time with our son. When he pulled a stunt that made me question whether I could trust him to be financially fair, I revoked the POAs and set the board for divorce without him knowing.
I am glad to report that over the past few weeks, he has stopped denying he has a problem and has started working with an addiction specialist at the counseling center we had been attending. It is too early for me to tell if he is genuine in his desire to recover, but he is communicating a bit more openly and we are spending short periods of time together. I am glad that I did not jump immediately to divorce, but am also glad that if he takes a turn back out his old ways, I have set the stage for that step.
I hope at least some of that has been helpful. Good luck as you make your next move!
Living situation: We are separated. Because my AH has local family and we have a young child (and another set to arrive any day), he is living with his parents while I stay at the house. He does not have a key and I have made it clear that he needs to ask before dropping by if he needs to retrieve something. He is cooperating.
Time with our son: We go week by week with when he can spend time with our son, but it is always supervised by his mom. He does not drive our son anywhere (arrested for OWI last month), either. Usually, our arrangement is 1-2 overnights during the week, and sometimes Friday night into part of Saturday. No full weekend visits...there are too many variables for me to be comfortable with that. Again, he is cooperating.
Finances: When he got arrested, he acknowledged that he needed to take financial responsibility for the fallout. I opened my own checking account, switched my direct deposit arrangements and proposed a split of our joint fixed expenses (mortgage, child care, etc.). I separated our joint car insurance policies, paid off our joint credit card and closed the account, and split our remaining funds in half. We really are operating independently from each other in the financial sense, even though we are still married.
Other legal stuff: Unbeknownst to him, I revoked his financial and medical powers of attorney. He can't make decisions or conduct transactions on my behalf anymore.
Divorce: I am not ready to divorce him yet, but I still retained an attorney and completed the paperwork that would be necessary should I decide to file. I made copies of important documents and am documenting our interactions/journey just in case any of that is needed down the road.
None of this was easy to do, but I did it in stages and kept the lines of communication open. When he was in denial about his problem, I focused on arranging safe time for him to spend with our son. When he got arrested, I made the financial changes and worked with the support of his parents to tighten things regarding time with our son. When he pulled a stunt that made me question whether I could trust him to be financially fair, I revoked the POAs and set the board for divorce without him knowing.
I am glad to report that over the past few weeks, he has stopped denying he has a problem and has started working with an addiction specialist at the counseling center we had been attending. It is too early for me to tell if he is genuine in his desire to recover, but he is communicating a bit more openly and we are spending short periods of time together. I am glad that I did not jump immediately to divorce, but am also glad that if he takes a turn back out his old ways, I have set the stage for that step.
I hope at least some of that has been helpful. Good luck as you make your next move!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
When I left, I had to take the kids and live in a women's shelter for safety. Telling him beforehand would have been dangerous. Every situation is different, though.
I will say, you never know how they will react until you do it, so err on safety's side.
I will say, you never know how they will react until you do it, so err on safety's side.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 21
Update. When he called and told me I "owed him" a ride home from the airport because I left him "stranded" there, I told him I had moved out and our marriage was over. After several days in town he finally asked to see him baby but used the whole visit to offer excuses for his behavior and tell me getting divorced over this was irrational. I tried to explain my reasons but deaf ears. He's an intolerant negative person (even sober). Add alcohol or pills and he is volatile. It's only a matter of time before he hurts someone and it won't be me.
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