My life
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My life
I don't know, maybe it should be in the acoa section. I'm posting this here, because I know you here, and I respect and love everyone here.
I was my daddy's favorite. In my family I always heard my oldest sister was a mistake, I was supposed to be a boy, an my younger sister wasn't wanted.
Still, here we are the 3 of us, very close in age.
I was my dads favorite. I always tried to help my mom out so that I could feel love from her, but she had to give it to my 2 sisters, because my 2 sisters only had her love (Note, my mom and I are OK today).
If anything needed being done, my dad asked me to help him.
My dad abused me emotionally. Always told me that I was fat and stupid.
I grew up being the scapegoat for everything. It didn't even matter if I was even there, it was my fault. I think that in a way, my mom didn't want him going after my sisters, and she knew he wouldn't go after me that much.
I think when I was growing up, that I didn't have much time in my brain space to think of what my sisters thought about me. I was too busy trying to be perfect.
I found out that they had to pretend that they liked me, but they resented me, but I also found out that they were happy that my dad chose me instead of them.
I was my daddy's favorite. In my family I always heard my oldest sister was a mistake, I was supposed to be a boy, an my younger sister wasn't wanted.
Still, here we are the 3 of us, very close in age.
I was my dads favorite. I always tried to help my mom out so that I could feel love from her, but she had to give it to my 2 sisters, because my 2 sisters only had her love (Note, my mom and I are OK today).
If anything needed being done, my dad asked me to help him.
My dad abused me emotionally. Always told me that I was fat and stupid.
I grew up being the scapegoat for everything. It didn't even matter if I was even there, it was my fault. I think that in a way, my mom didn't want him going after my sisters, and she knew he wouldn't go after me that much.
I think when I was growing up, that I didn't have much time in my brain space to think of what my sisters thought about me. I was too busy trying to be perfect.
I found out that they had to pretend that they liked me, but they resented me, but I also found out that they were happy that my dad chose me instead of them.
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So, Ok, here I am, fat and stupid. I weighed 110, was 5'3. I was pretty much flat chested, my younger sister had a "D" bra. I would take her out with me, and she would see who I wanted to be with, or who I was with, and she would mess it up for me.
I remember one time we went on vacation. My sis had a date, and they set someone up for me. I liked this guy. We had a good time that night.
Next day he was in a motorboat in the lake that we were out, my sis swam out to the boat, didn't see her for another 7 hours. Now that I think about it, there were many more things.
I remember one time we went on vacation. My sis had a date, and they set someone up for me. I liked this guy. We had a good time that night.
Next day he was in a motorboat in the lake that we were out, my sis swam out to the boat, didn't see her for another 7 hours. Now that I think about it, there were many more things.
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So I got pregnant. I was young, I was 18. My babys father and I could not afford a place at that time. So I stayed where I was. I married him. We still stayed. My sis was still there then. This even hurts me to type this.
She walked naked to the bathroom, after she heard the bathroom door already close. So she was standing there naked in the hallway when my 1st ex came out of the bathroom.
Maybe I should stop this, this is starting to get into an angry session.
She walked naked to the bathroom, after she heard the bathroom door already close. So she was standing there naked in the hallway when my 1st ex came out of the bathroom.
Maybe I should stop this, this is starting to get into an angry session.
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I'm so sorry Amy. I could not imagine my Dad hating me. There are 3 men in my life that I love with all my heart and he is one of them, my son and my husband. My mom hated me though. At least that's how I felt. And I know if I talked about it, it'd have me in tears and very angry. I just can't fathom hating my child/ren. I just can't! I don't understand it at all. My daughter has done some pretty rotten things to me but I love her so much, I would take a bullet for her!
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Amy,
It sounds like your family of origin has taught you how to compete for attention, not feel wanted, try to be perfect to earn love, try to change something innate about yourself, and take the blame as the resident scapegoat and abuse from your father. You will never ever measure up. It is likely your mom may still in some sense stir the pot between your sisters? It sounds like you are piecing out one of your sister's behavior isn't that well meaning in retrospect...
If you have a relationship with a counselor, I think you should talk these emerging things out immediately and make regular appointments. When is this wedding? It is really triggering you into codependent whirring and you appear to be rushing headlong into long standing issues. I think you are in a dangerous position bc you want to be a part of this important event. It makes you vulnerable. There is every reason to talk this out but I do not recommend any family member or family friend. I think you should piece it out and watch the drama unfold before trying to fix anything. These are long standing disputes and issues from what I can tell.
You have issues with everyone and it may just be how you were all raised to compete for attention and play your defined role... It sounds like your daughter is roped in. She thinks you didn't want her. Because your sister told her this - her "second mother". Sounds like a new generation roping in the new sucker. Your daughter might be playing you to throw you to the crowd to be ripped up at this family event, but how much of this is taught or underlaid by your sister?
I'd prepare to take the serious high road during this event - from rehearsal dinner until you are safely back home. I almost think you want an escape route or code word to clear out with your friend going with you. I also would not be surprised if you stay in official wedding room block if something goes awry with your reservation. If you are heading to a larger area, I would actually suggest another hotel. Don't tell anyone you moved the reservation. It will also buy you some breathing room to be somewhere else.
As for the daughter not being wanted and the offer for mom to raise your daughter. This happened in my family. Apparently the truth came out at the grandmother's funeral. This unveiling had consequences that lasted another 50 years. So don't be surprised if your daughter refuses to believe your story. She has had years of licking that wound and it is festered.
I think the best thing you can do is see a counselor and keep to yourself how triggered you are. I am sorry as I know this is a tall order.
It sounds like your family of origin has taught you how to compete for attention, not feel wanted, try to be perfect to earn love, try to change something innate about yourself, and take the blame as the resident scapegoat and abuse from your father. You will never ever measure up. It is likely your mom may still in some sense stir the pot between your sisters? It sounds like you are piecing out one of your sister's behavior isn't that well meaning in retrospect...
If you have a relationship with a counselor, I think you should talk these emerging things out immediately and make regular appointments. When is this wedding? It is really triggering you into codependent whirring and you appear to be rushing headlong into long standing issues. I think you are in a dangerous position bc you want to be a part of this important event. It makes you vulnerable. There is every reason to talk this out but I do not recommend any family member or family friend. I think you should piece it out and watch the drama unfold before trying to fix anything. These are long standing disputes and issues from what I can tell.
You have issues with everyone and it may just be how you were all raised to compete for attention and play your defined role... It sounds like your daughter is roped in. She thinks you didn't want her. Because your sister told her this - her "second mother". Sounds like a new generation roping in the new sucker. Your daughter might be playing you to throw you to the crowd to be ripped up at this family event, but how much of this is taught or underlaid by your sister?
I'd prepare to take the serious high road during this event - from rehearsal dinner until you are safely back home. I almost think you want an escape route or code word to clear out with your friend going with you. I also would not be surprised if you stay in official wedding room block if something goes awry with your reservation. If you are heading to a larger area, I would actually suggest another hotel. Don't tell anyone you moved the reservation. It will also buy you some breathing room to be somewhere else.
As for the daughter not being wanted and the offer for mom to raise your daughter. This happened in my family. Apparently the truth came out at the grandmother's funeral. This unveiling had consequences that lasted another 50 years. So don't be surprised if your daughter refuses to believe your story. She has had years of licking that wound and it is festered.
I think the best thing you can do is see a counselor and keep to yourself how triggered you are. I am sorry as I know this is a tall order.
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Thank you Code Job, you were, can I say reading my mind about all of this. Yes, my sister can hit again, or my daughter can hit again. I know that trying to make my daughter believe that I actually do love her, might not work.
My friend, and I love her, is coming with me, she is sitting with me. She told me today that she wanted to be with be "just in case". I trust her with no reservations. I can also trust my mom, and her boyfriend. Can't and won't trust anyone else. And I hate that also, but I know that it is for my protection.
My friend, and I love her, is coming with me, she is sitting with me. She told me today that she wanted to be with be "just in case". I trust her with no reservations. I can also trust my mom, and her boyfriend. Can't and won't trust anyone else. And I hate that also, but I know that it is for my protection.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
How terrible. You are right, you are here with us and we love you!
Tight hugs, im sorry for all you have endured.
XXX
Tight hugs, im sorry for all you have endured.
XXX
I need to thank everyone again for staying with me through all my drama yesterday, then today, I give you more drama, and you still stayed with me, another BIG THANK YOU. You're not rid of my drama yet.
I now have to convince my daughter that I always loved her, and always will.
Have to get rid of that little sister of mine.
Joking. I can't do anything about that except to try to do my best for me and my kids.
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I am sorry if this thread is all over the place, because I have posted a few threads yesterday and today. So some may be responding with knowledge of what I previously posted.
So, I took, business course, , or whatever it is called now, instead of academic.
My 2 sisters were really smart, I was stupid. (We all have IQ's in the 140's or higher). I was convinced I was stupid. I actually came home with an "A" instead of an "A+".
I go to High School, hate to say this, I just wanted someone to want me and to love me, no matter how stupid and fat I was. Thing here was, I was a misfit to them. I was a misfit everywhere. They thought that I was too smart to be with them, they began to accept me and to push me towards what they thought or where they thought I should be.
I just thought, wow, people actually like me.
So, I took, business course, , or whatever it is called now, instead of academic.
My 2 sisters were really smart, I was stupid. (We all have IQ's in the 140's or higher). I was convinced I was stupid. I actually came home with an "A" instead of an "A+".
I go to High School, hate to say this, I just wanted someone to want me and to love me, no matter how stupid and fat I was. Thing here was, I was a misfit to them. I was a misfit everywhere. They thought that I was too smart to be with them, they began to accept me and to push me towards what they thought or where they thought I should be.
I just thought, wow, people actually like me.
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So I took my business courses, never had to bring a book home, read it on the way to class and aced the test. I had my new friends, they watched out for me, oh, the little white girl, in the tech building. They had my back. I had theirs. That was when I got into the "gang"
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You see, I am supposed to be a perfectionist, but everything I ever did was wrong. So I found friends. My gang. We drank, we smoked, did drugs, (I always passed on anything that I thought would affect a baby). Stupid, I know, because everything I did could have.
But I had friends, and my parents didn't approve and I didn't care, because I was now rebellious.
Really not proud of these years, but they are what they are and they did happen.
But I had friends, and my parents didn't approve and I didn't care, because I was now rebellious.
Really not proud of these years, but they are what they are and they did happen.
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I wanted love, I didn't know what love was. I knew it wasn't my fathers love, or my mothers love, I was just this fat stupid thing to them, or that is how I felt.
So I craved love, I wanted to know what it actually felt like. I thought I found it, but really, what did I know, I only knew what love didn't feel like.
So I craved love, I wanted to know what it actually felt like. I thought I found it, but really, what did I know, I only knew what love didn't feel like.
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That one didn't last a year. He quit his job as soon as we got married. We still lived with my mom and dad, and he was also drinking and cheating on me.
I worked full time. I would come home and find him drunk or freshly showered and find out later on that he just grabbed my daughter from my mothers arms so that he could prove to me that he was taking care of her all day.
My mom never told me that he did this until after I got rid of him.
I was being played for a fool and everyone knew it but me.
I worked full time. I would come home and find him drunk or freshly showered and find out later on that he just grabbed my daughter from my mothers arms so that he could prove to me that he was taking care of her all day.
My mom never told me that he did this until after I got rid of him.
I was being played for a fool and everyone knew it but me.
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Amy,
You say you trust your mom now. Are you sure she is still not playing chess with you and your sisters? I am sorry you appear overwhelmed with your past. Forgiving yourself is a tough one. Peace today for you.
You say you trust your mom now. Are you sure she is still not playing chess with you and your sisters? I am sorry you appear overwhelmed with your past. Forgiving yourself is a tough one. Peace today for you.
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Hi Amy,
I am ACOA and my family of origin was extremely dysfunctional...to the extreme. My father was remote and even dangerous...it was a very scary and confusing childhood with much drama and relationship issues.
That being said we are extremely resilient beings designed to survive and heal ourselves. Those persons who harmed you as a child are broken people too and it helps to realize that in order to successfully detach emotionally.
If I were in your shoes I would not engage at all during this event...if something is said I would just tell that person that you love them and maybe there will be a better time to discuss the past outside of the wedding and events.
You can't change the past only our futures and you can't let others dictate your future...you have the power to make your own choices. You can create your own "family" and there are no law that says you have to stay connected to toxic family members.
If any of them want to pursue the past it should be done with a professional counseling each of you separately to unravel the unresolved feelings and issues and later...when ready bring you all together.
That is time and work...probably most will be unwilling to engage in any meaningful efforts to heal the past...but don't let that stop you from enjoying this wedding!!!
Just focus on the "now", refuse to engage and practice detachment. Offer to schedule counseling for the past if anyone wants it.. That is ALL I would say...
Don't let this beautiful moment get wrecked by a bad childhood... we aren't kids anymore!!!
We are smart and savvy women who are empowered to take on the future and you can do anything you want!
My dad told me I would never amount to anything and I was a split tail... a sexist drunk pig of a man frankly. He knew nothing about me and I lived with him for 17 years!
But I do carry his DNA and there were some good things that came from that DNA...my dad was smart despite only having a 6th grade education. He was hard worker and taught me to have a strong work ethic (we got whipped with a horse whip if we didn't work hard on our family farm). He taught me to love the ocean, drive a boat and how to catch fish! You have to count your blessings and move on...
Well I am highly successful and own a number of businesses and have a foundation that gives generously to charity. He told my sisters they would never amount to anything either... and they are all successful! One is a state supreme court justice and impacting a nation as a voice for those who are marginalized including women, minorities, the poor and domestic violence victims!
So... go enjoy that wedding! To everything there is a season... its time to party and celebrate a marriage.
I am ACOA and my family of origin was extremely dysfunctional...to the extreme. My father was remote and even dangerous...it was a very scary and confusing childhood with much drama and relationship issues.
That being said we are extremely resilient beings designed to survive and heal ourselves. Those persons who harmed you as a child are broken people too and it helps to realize that in order to successfully detach emotionally.
If I were in your shoes I would not engage at all during this event...if something is said I would just tell that person that you love them and maybe there will be a better time to discuss the past outside of the wedding and events.
You can't change the past only our futures and you can't let others dictate your future...you have the power to make your own choices. You can create your own "family" and there are no law that says you have to stay connected to toxic family members.
If any of them want to pursue the past it should be done with a professional counseling each of you separately to unravel the unresolved feelings and issues and later...when ready bring you all together.
That is time and work...probably most will be unwilling to engage in any meaningful efforts to heal the past...but don't let that stop you from enjoying this wedding!!!
Just focus on the "now", refuse to engage and practice detachment. Offer to schedule counseling for the past if anyone wants it.. That is ALL I would say...
Don't let this beautiful moment get wrecked by a bad childhood... we aren't kids anymore!!!
We are smart and savvy women who are empowered to take on the future and you can do anything you want!
My dad told me I would never amount to anything and I was a split tail... a sexist drunk pig of a man frankly. He knew nothing about me and I lived with him for 17 years!
But I do carry his DNA and there were some good things that came from that DNA...my dad was smart despite only having a 6th grade education. He was hard worker and taught me to have a strong work ethic (we got whipped with a horse whip if we didn't work hard on our family farm). He taught me to love the ocean, drive a boat and how to catch fish! You have to count your blessings and move on...
Well I am highly successful and own a number of businesses and have a foundation that gives generously to charity. He told my sisters they would never amount to anything either... and they are all successful! One is a state supreme court justice and impacting a nation as a voice for those who are marginalized including women, minorities, the poor and domestic violence victims!
So... go enjoy that wedding! To everything there is a season... its time to party and celebrate a marriage.
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