Lucrezia

Hi peoples...
I just joined. Today I have been sober 1 month exactly. I'm finding this incredibly hard.... I've become stuck in this thinking like "now that you have made it a month, you can have a drink..."
This has me all thinking about the future, which I'm not supposed to be thinking about. When will I be able to drink? Never.... but.... I can't do that.... in the back of my head, I think I'm still thinking about "when" I will finally be able to drink. Even though I've made the decision that I should NEVER DRINK AGAIN. EVER.

But....today, I'm finding this really, really, unbearably hard. I miss it. I just want to feel that way again..... .....I have to keep reminding myself that it's not all pretty roses and sunshine. It was never that good. It came with a lot of pain. But but but.... there are so many "buts".... this is just so hard.

I crave the feeling, overall. I want that feeling.

I think maybe I can't do this alone. I have a therapist. I have my journal. One friend kind of knows about it, but we haven't talked about it and I don't know if we will? This is so hard. So maybe having a community of people here can help.

I need to take this one second at a time.... at least, in THIS second, I am not drinking. That's good. Not THIS second either.


Edit: Looking through the emotes, I see things like day 2 and day 5, and my brain is like "well, just drink now and then you can have a day 2 in the future! Woo....it's all good"
My brain is seriously trying to hurt me now. Gah. <--- this is my brain.

least

Congrats on the first of many sober months. I don't think you really want to drink. If you did, you'd be drinking, not posting on a sober recovery site. Do whatever you need to do to stay sober. It's worth it.

Hevyn

Welcome Lucrezia. I think it'll really help you to talk things over here. You are not alone - ever.

Lucrezia

Thank you least and Hevyn!!

Notimetoloose

Hi and welcome and congratulations on one month, that is so good.

Its not all of your of your brain just the addictive voice part, that reptilian, petulant and often destructive part, the part that wants what it wants regardless of the consequences.
The rational part knows those consequences and wants you to get sober and stay sober.
We know it but it can be difficult but it is doable.
It will get easier with a little more time. Flex those rational mind muscles and tell that bratty AV you are not going to drink.

deeker

Alcoholics have short term memories. we can't seem to remember the pain and suffering from a couple weeks ago.

Here is a reminder, I need it to. I had it hung on my bathroom mirror for about 6 months in the beginning. Now I look
at it and I am so grateful I am sober.

We drank for happiness and became unhappy.
We drank for joy and became miserable.
We drank for sociability and became argumentative.
We drank for sophistication and became obnoxious.
We drank for friendship and made enemies.
We drank for sleep and awakened without rest.
We drank medicinally and acquired health problems.
We drank for relaxation and got the shakes.
We drank for bravery and became afraid.
We drank for confidence and became doubtful.
We drank to make our conversation easier and we slurred our speech.
We drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.
We drank to forget and were forever haunted.
We drank for freedom and became slaves.
We drank to erase problems and saw them multiply.
We drank to cope with life and invited death.

LBrain

speaking of Brain, way to go Morticia!

Notimetoloose

Hi Deeker, That is so kewl...I have never seen it befor...I love it and it is so true for me.
Thanks for posting it, I will save it.

Lucrezia

Thank you deeker, for that!! I might stick this in my office space at home.

And, Morticia is so awesome, yes!!

Lucrezia

And thank you Notimetoloose. I really really need to learn how to not listen to little emotional mind troll part of my brain, and strengthen the rational mind for sure.

Edit: and wow, with this icon it looks like everything I say, I say with utmost authority and confidence, haha..... no matter what it is. :P

Ghostly

Welcome and congrats on the sober time! You will find a lot of support here.

On a different note, when I saw your name, it reminded me of a Sisters of Mercy Song - Lucretia, My Reflection.

Lucrezia

Thank you!!

And, I love that song...

Ghostly

Cool, me too. Oh man, many of Sisters songs bring back great memories from a younger time. Love to reminisce.

Chicagoan

I most certainly hear you.
After many years of drinking,
alcohol became part of my
daily routine. I do get the, urge,
especially when I get upset
about something.

it's a relentless battle
that you must win.

hardhearts

As someone on here reminded me just a few hours ago... alcohol is cunning, baffling, powerful. Our disease can talk us in to anything if we let ourselves get stuck in our own heads. What I keep telling myself is to just do the next right thing today... and then I'll tell myself again tomorrow

carlingford

Hi Lucrezia, well done on 1 Month, I am at 25 days and really suffering with fatigue, headache,bad sleeping, woolly head and little men talking in head to have a drink and all will be fine. I know the Brain is telling lies to fool me, anyway I just wanted to ask you if you experienced any of these feelings? I cannot wait for them to go to move on with a new exciting alchol clean life, thanks and well done again

Treerat66

Hi Lucrezia, welcome to SR
Well done on your month.
I went to a pub last Friday night, bought myself a non-alcoholic drink and went to find my friends to socialise. When I found them they where sitting around a table unable to talk to each other because the music was too loud and they had all drunk too much. They looked up at me with that pathetic boozy grin plastered on their faces and I felt really sorry for them. As Deeker's post said alcohol promises so much and delivers so little.

carlingford

Thanks Treerat66, yes I had similar experience last weekend I went to pub and asked for coke, was kinda late in and everyone seemed out of their heads, well the barman looked at me strange as if to say why are you drinking coke!! MY CHOICE I think the whole of society needs to have a mind set change regarding the evils of Alcohol, but that's for a different thread, well done again Lucrezia you inspiration

Stoogy

I think we all had the same voice in our heads after the first month or so, just ignore that inner voice it can do you no good at all, as time passes you will feel more and more at peace with your choice, you have aleady conquered the first month which in my experience is by far the hardest one to navigate through.

You are doing great, stick in there. Here for you.

tim68

I understand how you feel. I'm on day 12. I miss the "buzz". I miss the calming effect of the alcohol. But like Deeker posted above there are just so many negatives that keep me from taking the drink. My dry, red, flaky, itchy face and chest is finally returning to normal. Last night I think I only woke up once and got up this morning feeling great. I no longer wake up 20 times a night hot and itchy, tossing and turning or with a rapid heartbeat and anxiety. I no longer feel bloated and lazy. Just so many positives I have seen happen to my body that I just don't want to drink again. That brief euphoric buzz that you first get from the alcohol just isn't worth it to me anymore. Hang in there. It gets better day after day.