ladyhawk13

My husband is an alcoholic and has recently deccided to quit drinking and get sober. He has been going to AA for 31 days now. I knew this would be hard but it has been really tough getting used to. He seems shut down. We have had a lot of stress, a move, new jobs, terrible schedules, but he has continued to be sober. I thought him getting sober would be the answer to our prayers but now he seems lifeless. He doesnt smile or laugh much any more. I know its tough but I feel like I have lost him either way.
One of his non sober habits was tellingn whopping lies, stories really, to anyone who would listen, usually on a bar stool. But since he got sober that all stopped. He even commented yesterday on his 30 day anniversary that he was glad he wasnt hiding behind the alcahol and stories any more. But today I accidentaly over herd him telling this outragous story that didnt even paint him in a good light, but it made me flash back to his drunk days. So we had an arguement and it resulted in him calling me and saying that he is miserable and that he feels he is always in trouble no matter what, and when I wouldnt engage in teh fight he said he would be drunk by the time he got home this evening. So here I sit. Waiting on pins and needles as to what knd of night I will have. NOT FAIR!
Its really not fair that he keeps getting all this support and pats on the back, and I am going through the tough times too and yet everyone is so focused on him. I feel like my happiness doesnt matter.

biminiblue

Welcome to the site.

Have you considered AlAnon meetings for yourself?

You can also go to the Friends and Family section of this forum and read about others' experiences of living with an alcoholic.

Mentium

Which do you prefer. the drunk or the sober husband? It sounds to me as if you aren't completely sure. The first few months of getting sober can be awfully tough for the person concerned - and the family too. If you want him to get through them and be at least a bit more like the man you seem to like so much you will need to give him time. He doesn't need an excuse to drink - many people grab any excuse early on - I know I have!

ladyhawk13

yes I went to one meeting but after the first few days things SEEMED great. He was the man I married again. His temper was almost gone, he talked to me again and not at me. But lately since our move and the stress he seems more like the drinking guy, and not the sober husband I love.

nogard

I second the Alanon suggestions and the F&F forum Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Good on you for looking for help

ladyhawk13

I am completely aware he needs lots of time. And I support him all the way. I am just in need of some support too. I truly love him either way, but I want to live with the sober version...he is more loving and caring and attentive, and productive. But today is a hard day, I guess things were too good for the first 30 days, and now we hit a bump. I want to support him, and I feel bad for confronting him on teh lie he told, I dont want to be the cause of his upset and relapse.

ladyhawk13

thanks, thats why I am here. I know he cant be my support to lean on, but I cant be the strong one all the time

ladyhawk13

I guess I still feel like the only way to support him is to avoid confrontations and arguements. But that feels wrong too. I know he is dealing with a disease, and I want to do everything I can to help. I know he wants this for himself and I know this is hard every day. But I also dont think its fair to not be able to share my feelings about him lying and telling stories that are not true. It makes me feel like, if he can lie that easily to anhyone else, what makes me think he isnt lying to me

nogard

Honesty is one of the things we struggle with when we get sober. I had been lying and living a lie for so long that is was a part of me, in my blood and bones and it took some time to stop telling silly lies out of habit and out of low self worth.

30 days is great but healing happens slowly. You need to look after yourself as well at this point thats why others have made suggestions for you.

ladyhawk13

Thank you for the insight. He has told me that he used the stories to hide from the real world, but when I hear him telling the coffee girl that he was in prison for 10 years and stories like that to make him seem like a bad ass it upsets me. Thats not a story to be proud to tell and its not true. I have a hard time understanding why that entertains him to tell these lies. he says its harmless and I should not get upset.

firstymer

I was a mess during the first 30 or 60 days of sobriety. Moody. Lethargic. Angry. Being sober after being drunk for so long really turns your life upside down. If you can do/say whatever seems to keep him committed to his sobriety, you may find the investment worth your while. However he is behaving at 30 days is not necessarily representative of what the new, long-term sober him is going to be.

Good luck.

ladyhawk13

What I really want to know is....IF he does relapse, what should I do. I dont want to act like its ok. but I dont want to send him running to the alcahol more by fighting or argueing. Do I just have to give in.

ladyhawk13

I have and have had lots of patients with this so far. I know I cant judge at all what the future will look like. I just know I want him healthy and happy. And yes I do know how much he is struggling with having to learn who he really is and deal with that after so long of hiding. And yes you are right I am trying to put in the investment to keep him sober. It jsut gets hard when I have a bad day and need someone.

nogard

I still think you need to move the focus to you and looking after you. Nobody can stop an acoholic or addict from drinking or using unless its what they want. Likewise nobody can fix them when they have stopped, all you can do is offer support and take care of you.

ladyhawk13

He is a wonderful man. I just wish he knew that. I wish he coudl see that the stories and lies just make people roll thier eyes and want to get away. The REAL him is someoone everyone wants to be around.

ladyhawk13

thanks nogard, im trying

ladyhawk13

thanks everyone. Sorry I vented. I just was really starting to feel alone and panicky.