Hope for the future

Old 05-13-2014, 11:06 AM
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Hope for the future

Hello everybody, I am new here and this is my first post. I am the wife of an alcoholic and I stumbled upon this website accidentally, but am glad I did. For years I have heard the "I'm going to change, it won't happen again" promises, usually lasting only a day or two, then repeating. I have continued to forgive and forget and I think I've reached my breaking point. I used to remember seeing commercials about battered women and thinking to myself how could anyone in their right mind stay with an abusive partner. Then it hit me, that I was basically in the same situation and I'm still around because I love him. There's never been any physical abuse, but plenty of mental abuse and other problems like infidelity and drug use.

That being said, I think my AH is finally ready to get help. I'm prepared for a long and difficult journey for both of us but I think I'm going to need some support of my own. I have never opened up to anyone about his problem (even our families and friends have no idea how much he drinks) or about our marriage problems in general, and I feel I need just as much help as he does. My emotions are all over the place. Some days I'm numb, others I'm angry, depressed, or just emotionally exhausted. I want this to work out because I know we can't continue like this.

I've never been to any meetings or anything and this is basically getting years worth of baggage off my chest, so thank you for listening.
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Old 05-13-2014, 11:11 AM
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Welcome startshines. You have found the right place for knowledge and support. We all understand what you are going through and exactly how you feel. You will find a wide range of people here. Some just beginning like yourself and others who have been into it for years and years. This board and Al-Anon can help you tremendously. Try to seek out a meeting in your area if you can, they are very helpful. Feel free to post anytime
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Old 05-13-2014, 11:12 AM
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Hello and welcome!

It is wonderful that you realize you need support for you! You are in a great place to receive that. Read, read, and read some more. Great knowledge on here.

I am very sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you are here!

XXX
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Old 05-13-2014, 06:39 PM
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for the warm welcome. I've been browsing several different threads here and am learning a lot. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in dealing with this. A big part of me is afraid to confide in anyone I know because I know their advice would just be "divorce him" and that's not what I want. Deep down I know I can't fix him and he has to want to do it for himself, so I plan to support him the best I can.
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Old 05-13-2014, 07:22 PM
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Welcome, I'm so glad you've found SR.

You say you've never opened up to any one about his problem, well hold on to your hat. You're soon going to realize there's a world of people out there just like you. I don't think there is a family on this planet that hasn't been touched by addiction.

One of the great things about Alanon is that no one will ever tell you to "divorce him"! As a matter of fact, some people are initially thrown off at how little advice they give at the meetings. It's primarily a place for support, but that support can be life changing. SR, of course, is amazing as well. There nothing quite as lonely, and confusing as living with an addict, and the only people who understand are those who have been through it.

Like Hopeful4 said: "Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here."

((( Hugs ))))
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Old 05-13-2014, 08:45 PM
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Nice to meet you, though these must be trying circumstances for you. So glad you're reaching out for support. That's a really important step in your recovery. I know it was in mine. I have a hard time asking for help or admitting that something is too much for me to handle. Alanon meetings are also really good. You will find a lot of common ground with people at meetings. It really helped me not to feel so isolated.
You mentioned that you think your husband is finally ready to get help. Has he taken any steps in that direction? (Tell me to myob if you want. Don't want to get all up in your business here)
Again, welcome. Hugs and strength to you.
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Old 05-14-2014, 03:10 AM
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Welcome!

A great place to start is the "stickies" at the top of the forum. When we have had a really helpful thread or topic it gets stickied so it is easy to find and refer to others.

I second alanon. Changed my life and gave me a "new pair of glasses" to look through and help me find my way out of the family disease of addiction.

I also found a great family therapist who knew addiction and he was simply amazing... still love that man for his tremendous insight, vision, empathy and understanding.

Finding support, resources and just knowing that you are not alone will make every day easier! I am an oldtimer...been around these parts for 4 years now.... was lost, confused and hurting just like you when I wandered upon this site!
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Old 05-14-2014, 05:19 AM
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Starshines---generally speaking, the best way to support the alcoholic is to get out of their way.

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Old 05-16-2014, 06:32 AM
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Just a little update, he hasn't had a drink all week, and that's the longest it's ever been since we've known each other. Withdrawal symptoms haven't been terrible so far, and he admitted it's actually a nice feeling to wake up sober. He had a rough day yesterday and said he seriously considered having a drink but decided against it because he didn't want to risk it. That's probably the first time he's ever made that decision on his own without me even knowing about it, and it made me want to cry. He's still not ready for AA or anything like that, but I'm not going to push for more right now since stopping has already been a huge step. One day at a time.

He asked me honestly why I'm still with him when anyone else would have left already. I know we both have major codependency issues that date back to our childhoods, and that needs to be something I work on for myself. I'm hoping I can learn to be stronger and love myself more.

This week's been a roller coaster of emotions, both good and bad. I guess I realized I've been codependent for so long that I feel like I really don't even know HOW to worry about myself and take my focus off him. There are still other issues to deal with beyond the alcohol and it's going to be a long process.
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