Cocaine relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Cocaine relapse
I have not posted in over a year. Happily lulled into a false sense of security that ‘my addict’ – H (the initial of his first name) is different. Is clean.
That our love is so great, we have finally conquered his addiction. (Note the use of ‘we’).
That it’s true – we have beaten the odds.
We have proved that throw enough love at the addict – surround him with family, friends, pets, children, prayers – ‘normal life’ – you can smother the flames of addiction.
For almost the past two years we have been living in a magical realm. Of friendship, laughter, shared tears, shared dreams, shared business, a shared future. Wonderful holidays, dancing, music, friends and love. Tenderness & joy all wrapped in silver thread.
We still live in separate countries – but the love so great we share the travel – so essentially not apart for more than 2 weeks. A love so great, that after 15 years or so – we are planning to buy a home together. With a beautiful garden, rooms enough for friends to visit – and a huge tree with a swing – for my beautiful little boy.
When apart we phone each other at least 5 times a day – we share the small stuff and the big. And every night he calls to wish me sweet dreams – and every morning upon waking he calls to wish me a safe and happy day.
Then 2 weeks ago I travelled to his country (where I have a successful business and a home too – so very blessed). BUT for the first time months he didn’t bring me a ‘welcome back gift’. I hardly noticed.
For the first time in months he didn’t plan to pick me up at the airport – I didn’t mind – I’m independent – have my own driver.
For the first time in months he didn’t rush to my home as soon as he had a gap. I didn’t really mind, he’s busy after all.
For the first time in months he didn’t take me out for a romantic dinner. I didn’t mind as we would do it the next night – can’t always be the stuff of romance.
For the first time in months he didn’t take my hand.
For the first time in months, when he did arrive that evening, he seemed distant. He seemed ‘stoned’. But I didn’t notice – he explained he was tired, stressed and over worked.
Just as that nagging gut feeling rose its ‘uninvited’ head – something is wrong – H swooped to the rescue with words of undying love – a commitment to the future – he seemed to read my mind – as he always has – settled all my fears. He’s gorgeous and a combination of a smile which can light up the room – and the ability to make me feel like that ‘one in a billion’ – he won me over again – all was right with the world.
But something still bothered me – I felt anxious but couldn’t quite pin point it. For a few days he seemed ‘distant’ and definitely ‘stoned’ not quite himself. But I must be mistaken – I told myself to stop worrying – stop overreacting – H is clean.
So I ignored EVERYTHING my gut was telling me.
Then a few days later – my world was blown apart. He told me he was battling – that he had used cocaine. And immediately I stepped off the realm of truth and reality and was lulled by his sweet tongue – I drank it all in by making these desperate mistakes:
1.I so desperately wanted to believe that this was temporary.
2.I allowed my future dreams to be intertwined with his – I allowed my future happiness to be directly connected to him. This put me in a very dangerous position – of absolutely relying on him. Made me very vulnerable.
3.I complimented him on his ‘honesty’. I felt encouraged by his willingness to share his vulnerability. How naďve could I have been?? I did not see he was simply quacking – making more promises to break – just to placate me.
4.I believed by his sharing – that we would ‘walk this together’.
5.Then, when I simply wanted him to commit to his promises – inadvertently putting pressure on him – my ‘sweet, honest H, who was prepared to conquer the world for me – to slay the cocaine bearing dragon - was no longer that sweet.
6.Within hours he went from sharing and discussing therapy together - to ‘this is not a real relapse’ – and the final blow ‘I NEED SPACE’. Oh he said it very sweetly.
7.So I gave him space. But after the days went by – this man who loves me so – stopped calling. Stopped responding. COMPLETELY & UTTERLY CUT ME OUT!
Thank God – the above ‘cycle’ only lasted a week. Before I joined SR (almost 3 years ago) I would have been in a very different place. I would have begged, pleaded, cried, pondered my very existence, blamed it all on myself and gone into a spiral of depression.
Thank God for my complete faith in Christ – and all the years of therapy and advice from SR – I was immediately able to see the situation for what it truly was – FULL BLOWN RELAPSE. Cocaine had entered his world. And I had a choice – Cocaine was NOT going to enter MY world.
I didn’t even bother to ask how often – how much – for in that VERY instant, as my stomach churned, as I wanted to be sick, as I felt the room spinning – I remembered EVERY single piece of advice ever given to me on SR – especially the powerful words of ENGLISHGARDEN. That this is NOT about me. This is all about him. This is REAL. Accept it – make a plan – be strong. I immediately said a prayer – to Christ – and I was reminded that I am loved. That I am complete. That I need to get OUT. Immediately. That all the love in the world will not help H – unless he helps himself.
And just a few points for all the new comers and anyone here who believes their addict is different – please read below the powerful lessons I have learnt – they are critical to remember – whilst we walk this road of addiction:
1.All addiction takes one down the same path – and at some stage the path splits into three – there are ONLY three outcomes – Complete recovery (very, very rare): Institution; DEATH.
2.You DON’T have to remain in a relationship with an addict.
3.IF you chose to stay – be absolutely 150% sure you can handle it. Be so spiritually grounded in your belief that when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan – you KNOW to walk. Or to stay – but your very faith in God, in yourself transcends the chaos – and protects you with a shield – more powerful than the addiction.
4.Do NOT stop writing, posting, reading on SR – no matter how ‘clean’ your addict is. No matter how ‘fine’ you are.
5.Addiction is a force we cannot understand.
6.The moment you try to understand the addiction – you are trying to connect with the person – as though they are ‘normal’- and this process will send you on a rollercoaster of emotions – only to your detriment.
7.Love, tears, begging, pleading – will not alter the addicts choices. They will just increase the momentum of the viscous circle of using; shame; guilt; using. Around and around you go.
8.Choose to STEP off the circle.
9.Choose to be healthy.
10.PRAY!!! Find strength in your HP – in Christ.
11.Don’t hate the addict. Don’t blame the addict. Love the addict. But love with a private strength. Love from a distance.
12.This is the hardest part – believing that love will conquer all. It doesn’t. Healthy love comes from God. Healthy love is demonstrated through respect, keeping promises, committing to the future, being trustworthy, reliable and responsible. All these traits are impossible to find in an addicted relationship.
13.And GUILT. For most of us – the hardest part is accepting that love does not mean staying - and exposing yourself, your children – to addiction. That you are NOT being UNFAITHFUL by leaving. If you remain – without the tools to cope – you will get caught up in a web of deceit and lies. What legacy is this to pass onto your children? You will become just as sick as the addict.
14.If you choose to stay – be absolutely sure YOU don’t have an ulterior motive. Martyrdom, living through someone else, playing the victim – many, many people choose to stay for reason all about themselves. It is the grandest excuse – when you are breathing your last breath – to say ‘my life was a ball of sh*t – as I gave it all up for my addict.
15.Don’t threaten the addict.
16.Focus on yourself. Your life. Your dreams.
17.Do not put your life on hold – waiting for the addict to recover – get better – you will wait forever – and the precious gift of life – the gift God has given you – will grow worn and tattered before you even get a chance to open it.
18.As much as you love your addict. As much as you want to believe your addict. You must understand that all addicts lie and manipulate. They are masters of deception. They know exactly what you need to hear – to keep you ‘happy’ and at a ‘safe distance’ so they can carry on how they wish. And if you break that distance – if you see through the lies – they will toss you aside like a used broken toy.
TRUST me on this one – I KNOW that H loves me utterly – loves me to the best of his ability – loves me more than anyone. I KNOW he dreams of a future with me. He dreams of a normal life. But these are just dreams. I thought they were real – but they are just dreams. Castles in the sky. And God forbid I challenge him - see through him – which is what I did – he too tossed ME aside. ME??? Of all the people in the world.
So what am I doing now?
I came home.
I pray for him every day.
I have shed tears
I feel that nausea – I take a breath. I say a prayer
Yes, I called last night – I buckled. But he did not pick up. Thank God
I will try not to call again. So, so difficult – this is the man I love – whom I use to speak with every day.
What will I do if he ‘comes back’? I don’t really know. I will give him another chance. (Very dangerous I know). But with boundaries. I truly have reached the end of the road. This will be the last time. But a million questions:
1.What if I give him a chance – and the next relapse is only in a few years from now – then I am in my mid forties – and precious years of my life wasted?
2.Why doesn’t God give me a clearer answer to my prayers?
3.I don’t see the pink neon sign reading ‘GET OUT’.
4.But nor do I see it reading ‘STAY’.
5. AND IF I CHOSE TO GIVE HIM THIS CHANCE - What is this saying about me????? Is this true love? Is the deal concluded? Is this written in the stars? or am I still in that 'unhealed place' coming from my own childhood battles with an alcoholic dad. Am I still in that dark place - where the joy of being with H - temporarily feels the void of losing my precious brother aged 23 in a horrific car crash? Or am I really okay?
For now, I light a candle every night for H. For now I pray. For him. For my family, for my son - but most importantly - I pray for strength. I pray for Christ to keep filling my soul with his unconditional love - which will ultimately lead me home.
God bless you all on SR.
That our love is so great, we have finally conquered his addiction. (Note the use of ‘we’).
That it’s true – we have beaten the odds.
We have proved that throw enough love at the addict – surround him with family, friends, pets, children, prayers – ‘normal life’ – you can smother the flames of addiction.
For almost the past two years we have been living in a magical realm. Of friendship, laughter, shared tears, shared dreams, shared business, a shared future. Wonderful holidays, dancing, music, friends and love. Tenderness & joy all wrapped in silver thread.
We still live in separate countries – but the love so great we share the travel – so essentially not apart for more than 2 weeks. A love so great, that after 15 years or so – we are planning to buy a home together. With a beautiful garden, rooms enough for friends to visit – and a huge tree with a swing – for my beautiful little boy.
When apart we phone each other at least 5 times a day – we share the small stuff and the big. And every night he calls to wish me sweet dreams – and every morning upon waking he calls to wish me a safe and happy day.
Then 2 weeks ago I travelled to his country (where I have a successful business and a home too – so very blessed). BUT for the first time months he didn’t bring me a ‘welcome back gift’. I hardly noticed.
For the first time in months he didn’t plan to pick me up at the airport – I didn’t mind – I’m independent – have my own driver.
For the first time in months he didn’t rush to my home as soon as he had a gap. I didn’t really mind, he’s busy after all.
For the first time in months he didn’t take me out for a romantic dinner. I didn’t mind as we would do it the next night – can’t always be the stuff of romance.
For the first time in months he didn’t take my hand.
For the first time in months, when he did arrive that evening, he seemed distant. He seemed ‘stoned’. But I didn’t notice – he explained he was tired, stressed and over worked.
Just as that nagging gut feeling rose its ‘uninvited’ head – something is wrong – H swooped to the rescue with words of undying love – a commitment to the future – he seemed to read my mind – as he always has – settled all my fears. He’s gorgeous and a combination of a smile which can light up the room – and the ability to make me feel like that ‘one in a billion’ – he won me over again – all was right with the world.
But something still bothered me – I felt anxious but couldn’t quite pin point it. For a few days he seemed ‘distant’ and definitely ‘stoned’ not quite himself. But I must be mistaken – I told myself to stop worrying – stop overreacting – H is clean.
So I ignored EVERYTHING my gut was telling me.
Then a few days later – my world was blown apart. He told me he was battling – that he had used cocaine. And immediately I stepped off the realm of truth and reality and was lulled by his sweet tongue – I drank it all in by making these desperate mistakes:
1.I so desperately wanted to believe that this was temporary.
2.I allowed my future dreams to be intertwined with his – I allowed my future happiness to be directly connected to him. This put me in a very dangerous position – of absolutely relying on him. Made me very vulnerable.
3.I complimented him on his ‘honesty’. I felt encouraged by his willingness to share his vulnerability. How naďve could I have been?? I did not see he was simply quacking – making more promises to break – just to placate me.
4.I believed by his sharing – that we would ‘walk this together’.
5.Then, when I simply wanted him to commit to his promises – inadvertently putting pressure on him – my ‘sweet, honest H, who was prepared to conquer the world for me – to slay the cocaine bearing dragon - was no longer that sweet.
6.Within hours he went from sharing and discussing therapy together - to ‘this is not a real relapse’ – and the final blow ‘I NEED SPACE’. Oh he said it very sweetly.
7.So I gave him space. But after the days went by – this man who loves me so – stopped calling. Stopped responding. COMPLETELY & UTTERLY CUT ME OUT!
Thank God – the above ‘cycle’ only lasted a week. Before I joined SR (almost 3 years ago) I would have been in a very different place. I would have begged, pleaded, cried, pondered my very existence, blamed it all on myself and gone into a spiral of depression.
Thank God for my complete faith in Christ – and all the years of therapy and advice from SR – I was immediately able to see the situation for what it truly was – FULL BLOWN RELAPSE. Cocaine had entered his world. And I had a choice – Cocaine was NOT going to enter MY world.
I didn’t even bother to ask how often – how much – for in that VERY instant, as my stomach churned, as I wanted to be sick, as I felt the room spinning – I remembered EVERY single piece of advice ever given to me on SR – especially the powerful words of ENGLISHGARDEN. That this is NOT about me. This is all about him. This is REAL. Accept it – make a plan – be strong. I immediately said a prayer – to Christ – and I was reminded that I am loved. That I am complete. That I need to get OUT. Immediately. That all the love in the world will not help H – unless he helps himself.
And just a few points for all the new comers and anyone here who believes their addict is different – please read below the powerful lessons I have learnt – they are critical to remember – whilst we walk this road of addiction:
1.All addiction takes one down the same path – and at some stage the path splits into three – there are ONLY three outcomes – Complete recovery (very, very rare): Institution; DEATH.
2.You DON’T have to remain in a relationship with an addict.
3.IF you chose to stay – be absolutely 150% sure you can handle it. Be so spiritually grounded in your belief that when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan – you KNOW to walk. Or to stay – but your very faith in God, in yourself transcends the chaos – and protects you with a shield – more powerful than the addiction.
4.Do NOT stop writing, posting, reading on SR – no matter how ‘clean’ your addict is. No matter how ‘fine’ you are.
5.Addiction is a force we cannot understand.
6.The moment you try to understand the addiction – you are trying to connect with the person – as though they are ‘normal’- and this process will send you on a rollercoaster of emotions – only to your detriment.
7.Love, tears, begging, pleading – will not alter the addicts choices. They will just increase the momentum of the viscous circle of using; shame; guilt; using. Around and around you go.
8.Choose to STEP off the circle.
9.Choose to be healthy.
10.PRAY!!! Find strength in your HP – in Christ.
11.Don’t hate the addict. Don’t blame the addict. Love the addict. But love with a private strength. Love from a distance.
12.This is the hardest part – believing that love will conquer all. It doesn’t. Healthy love comes from God. Healthy love is demonstrated through respect, keeping promises, committing to the future, being trustworthy, reliable and responsible. All these traits are impossible to find in an addicted relationship.
13.And GUILT. For most of us – the hardest part is accepting that love does not mean staying - and exposing yourself, your children – to addiction. That you are NOT being UNFAITHFUL by leaving. If you remain – without the tools to cope – you will get caught up in a web of deceit and lies. What legacy is this to pass onto your children? You will become just as sick as the addict.
14.If you choose to stay – be absolutely sure YOU don’t have an ulterior motive. Martyrdom, living through someone else, playing the victim – many, many people choose to stay for reason all about themselves. It is the grandest excuse – when you are breathing your last breath – to say ‘my life was a ball of sh*t – as I gave it all up for my addict.
15.Don’t threaten the addict.
16.Focus on yourself. Your life. Your dreams.
17.Do not put your life on hold – waiting for the addict to recover – get better – you will wait forever – and the precious gift of life – the gift God has given you – will grow worn and tattered before you even get a chance to open it.
18.As much as you love your addict. As much as you want to believe your addict. You must understand that all addicts lie and manipulate. They are masters of deception. They know exactly what you need to hear – to keep you ‘happy’ and at a ‘safe distance’ so they can carry on how they wish. And if you break that distance – if you see through the lies – they will toss you aside like a used broken toy.
TRUST me on this one – I KNOW that H loves me utterly – loves me to the best of his ability – loves me more than anyone. I KNOW he dreams of a future with me. He dreams of a normal life. But these are just dreams. I thought they were real – but they are just dreams. Castles in the sky. And God forbid I challenge him - see through him – which is what I did – he too tossed ME aside. ME??? Of all the people in the world.
So what am I doing now?
I came home.
I pray for him every day.
I have shed tears
I feel that nausea – I take a breath. I say a prayer
Yes, I called last night – I buckled. But he did not pick up. Thank God
I will try not to call again. So, so difficult – this is the man I love – whom I use to speak with every day.
What will I do if he ‘comes back’? I don’t really know. I will give him another chance. (Very dangerous I know). But with boundaries. I truly have reached the end of the road. This will be the last time. But a million questions:
1.What if I give him a chance – and the next relapse is only in a few years from now – then I am in my mid forties – and precious years of my life wasted?
2.Why doesn’t God give me a clearer answer to my prayers?
3.I don’t see the pink neon sign reading ‘GET OUT’.
4.But nor do I see it reading ‘STAY’.
5. AND IF I CHOSE TO GIVE HIM THIS CHANCE - What is this saying about me????? Is this true love? Is the deal concluded? Is this written in the stars? or am I still in that 'unhealed place' coming from my own childhood battles with an alcoholic dad. Am I still in that dark place - where the joy of being with H - temporarily feels the void of losing my precious brother aged 23 in a horrific car crash? Or am I really okay?
For now, I light a candle every night for H. For now I pray. For him. For my family, for my son - but most importantly - I pray for strength. I pray for Christ to keep filling my soul with his unconditional love - which will ultimately lead me home.
God bless you all on SR.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Lara, your story strikes a chord with me. My AXBF, whom I haven't spoken to in a couple years now, lived for a good part of our relationship in a foreign country that I found quite entrancing. We kept in touch daily, skyping for hours, and I visited him periodically. I felt like I was really a part of his daily life and that I knew what was going on with him. It was only after we broke up, looking back on things, that I realized how much he had managed to hide from me because of the distance. It's hard to know what's going on with an addict when you live with them 24-7, but an addict in another country really has a leg up on the deception game! And for me, because I developed such powerful escape fantasies during my childhood with alcoholic parents, visiting him in another country was also very powerful in keeping me hooked. Even though he sometimes behaved very badly during my visits, I was happy to at least be somewhere exotic, far from my real life problems. It gave our whole messed up relationship a glamorous sparkle. Anyway, I hope you are able to find a way to see his addiction for what it is, despite the exotic glamor and the obscuring effects of distance. Wishing you peace.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Thank you for reminding me how fragile is the journey of recovery for me, an addict and alcoholic. And how perilous the relapse. I was 20 years clean before relapsing on oxy. Twenty years. I'm almost four years clean now, and so much more to lose if I use. But addiction is insidious. I only have a reprieve for today.
May you find strength to do what you need to do, for you.
May you find strength to do what you need to do, for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes, one has to decide if they can live with the fact that no matter how many years of sobriety under the belt, an addict is an addict their entire life. The means they may relapse anytime in their life. Can one live with that? For me, the answer is no. However, I did see the big neon sign. I did not leave until I did.
Thank you for sharing this. Good luck and God Bless.
Thank you for sharing this. Good luck and God Bless.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lara, your words touched my heart, I can feel your pain but I also see your courage and your strength.
You are stronger than you know, and wiser than you give yourself credit for.
The simple, hard, heartbreaking truth is that he is in active addiction and that is no life for you or for your child.
Stay strong, you will get through this. You hold the key to your happiness and you will be happy again one day.
My prayers go out that you and your baby stay safely away from the dark hell of addiction.
Hugs
You are stronger than you know, and wiser than you give yourself credit for.
The simple, hard, heartbreaking truth is that he is in active addiction and that is no life for you or for your child.
Stay strong, you will get through this. You hold the key to your happiness and you will be happy again one day.
My prayers go out that you and your baby stay safely away from the dark hell of addiction.
Hugs
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
(((Lara)))
I am so sorry. I understand the hurt, the pain, the disappointment and the sadness. Thankfully, we had some tools this time around and knew how to take care of ourselves.
The day my husband relapsed, the change was exactly as you described. No sweet note, no good morning text, nothing!! It was a Tuesday and it took me until Friday to put it all together because he avoided me as much as possible. I prayed for the best but prepared for the worse. The worse came but to be honest, it wasn't the worst! It has actually been ok! All things work together for our good. Trusting God with all my heart and leaning not on my understanding has had it's own blessings. HE promises and I am living proof. Stay faithful, things will get better.
I am so sorry. I understand the hurt, the pain, the disappointment and the sadness. Thankfully, we had some tools this time around and knew how to take care of ourselves.
The day my husband relapsed, the change was exactly as you described. No sweet note, no good morning text, nothing!! It was a Tuesday and it took me until Friday to put it all together because he avoided me as much as possible. I prayed for the best but prepared for the worse. The worse came but to be honest, it wasn't the worst! It has actually been ok! All things work together for our good. Trusting God with all my heart and leaning not on my understanding has had it's own blessings. HE promises and I am living proof. Stay faithful, things will get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Dear Doggonecarl - wow - 20 years!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now 4 years clean - how brave - what a story of success. You are incredible!!! Thank you for sharing - whew - relapse after 20 years - what a sobering, humbling statement. God bless and keep you strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Lara 
3.IF you chose to stay – be absolutely 150% sure you can handle it. Be so spiritually grounded in your belief that when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan – you KNOW to walk. Or to stay – but your very faith in God, in yourself transcends the chaos – and protects you with a shield – more powerful than the addiction.
6.The moment you try to understand the addiction – you are trying to connect with the person – as though they are ‘normal’- and this process will send you on a rollercoaster of emotions – only to your detriment.
17.Do not put your life on hold – waiting for the addict to recover – get better – you will wait forever – and the precious gift of life – the gift God has given you – will grow worn and tattered before you even get a chance to open it.
TRUST me on this one – I KNOW that H loves me utterly – loves me to the best of his ability – loves me more than anyone. I KNOW he dreams of a future with me. He dreams of a normal life. But these are just dreams. I thought they were real – but they are just dreams. Castles in the sky. And God forbid I challenge him - see through him – which is what I did – he too tossed ME aside. ME??? Of all the people in the world.
So what am I doing now?
I came home.
I pray for him every day.
I have shed tears
I feel that nausea – I take a breath. I say a prayer
Yes, I called last night – I buckled. But he did not pick up. Thank God
I will try not to call again. So, so difficult – this is the man I love – whom I use to speak with every day.
What will I do if he ‘comes back’? I don’t really know. I will give him another chance. (Very dangerous I know). But with boundaries. I truly have reached the end of the road. This will be the last time. But a million questions:
1.What if I give him a chance – and the next relapse is only in a few years from now – then I am in my mid forties – and precious years of my life wasted?
2.Why doesn’t God give me a clearer answer to my prayers?
3.I don’t see the pink neon sign reading ‘GET OUT’.
4.But nor do I see it reading ‘STAY’.
5. AND IF I CHOSE TO GIVE HIM THIS CHANCE - What is this saying about me????? Is this true love? Is the deal concluded? Is this written in the stars? or am I still in that 'unhealed place' coming from my own childhood battles with an alcoholic dad. Am I still in that dark place - where the joy of being with H - temporarily feels the void of losing my precious brother aged 23 in a horrific car crash? Or am I really okay?
For now, I light a candle every night for H. For now I pray. For him. For my family, for my son - but most importantly - I pray for strength. I pray for Christ to keep filling my soul with his unconditional love - which will ultimately lead me home.
God bless you all on SR.
Sometimes feel so powerful and in control - and other times - like this morning - feel humbled and weak and utterly powerless.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 120
It is so sad. Losing a loved one to mental illness of addiction is heartbreaking. My heart is broken and my daughter's heart is broken at 3 1/2. We can't do anything, it does feel hopeless, just put one foot in front of the other today. You can do it, time will heal. There's is no rush. I am finally coming out of my mourning of losing my husband to addiction and it has been 2 years, we were together for 14. I wish I could tell you something different. Breathe.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I felt a little sad, too, when I broke with my AXBF. But I also felt hugely relieved that his problems were no longer my problems. Really, they were never my problems, but I had made them my problems for a long time! I think maybe I liked the drama a little? My parents were always fighting, and I think I grew up believing that love has to hurt. Anyway, my point is that it might be possible to reframe this from a tragedy into a story of redemption, at least for you. You are now free to live a healthy life without all the drama. And as for him, he is living his life the way he sees fit. We all wish we could make our loved ones live the way WE see fit, but they aren't under our control. We aren't that powerful. In my experience, the only thing to do is to try to accept with serenity that other people's life choices are not ours to change. Good luck Lara!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
I am really battling today
Hi everyone.... not sure why I am even posting as I know all the answers... that this is NOT about me. That I should be grateful he has completely broken contact after two years of happiness and love. Not a word from H in over 3 weeks. I miss him beyond words. I watch my phone. When it rings I pray it is him. It never is. I feel sick. I feel lost. I feel unnerved. I feel 'undone'. Why??? Why???
How can someone who is meant to love me so so deeply - can just cut me off??? How?????? I am getting on with my life. I try best not to think about him. I keep busy - I am very busy with my business - and completely involved with my beautiful son - we have such happy days - always busy. Always laughing....
But I am putting on a show. I feel a fraud. I feel fake. As my heart is crushed.
How can someone who is meant to love me so so deeply - can just cut me off??? How?????? I am getting on with my life. I try best not to think about him. I keep busy - I am very busy with my business - and completely involved with my beautiful son - we have such happy days - always busy. Always laughing....
But I am putting on a show. I feel a fraud. I feel fake. As my heart is crushed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Thank you for reminding me how fragile is the journey of recovery for me, an addict and alcoholic. And how perilous the relapse. I was 20 years clean before relapsing on oxy. Twenty years. I'm almost four years clean now, and so much more to lose if I use. But addiction is insidious. I only have a reprieve for today.
May you find strength to do what you need to do, for you.
May you find strength to do what you need to do, for you.
hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Lara, has it really been two years of love and happiness? Taking a quick look at your previous posts, you were no contact with him March of last year. One thing that caused me trouble with my AXBF was that when I was missing him, I would sometimes focus on the good things and forget the bad stuff. Something that helped me to get past this was to write a list of all the sh^*&y, unacceptable behavior I had put up with. The times he flipped out on me for no reason, the times he disappeared, the things he lied about, etc. When I was in a moment of idealizing him, all I had to do was look at the list. Hope you feel a little more peaceful soon!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 120
Lara,
Apologies for not responding to you sooner. Please feel free to message me privately. I am getting better. I have learned how to let the pain be what is is. Pain.. Has it changed me? Yes. For the worst, no, I am just different, have grown and am more emotionally sober. Please give yourself time to mourn the loss of a dream, the loss of the potential love. I do have a mantra, the Al anon serenity prayer, there is not much else to do. My plan is to keep staying in the present, not to stay too long in the past, not too long in the future, I am reprogramming my brain to not allow myself to stay in doom and gloom. I am working on myself to be able to be at peace, no matter what my ex is doing. Do I wish my husband came back? Wow, that is a loaded question. Sometimes yes and sometimes no. The husband that I would like to come back does not exist anymore. I could have stayed if he would have wanted to work on his sobriety, but he still does not want to be sober. It is his life and I can't make him, I have to accept that. I know that I needed him to commit to sobriety otherwise I couldn't stay in the relationship. I deserve someone who is trying to be present in life. Do I wish it was different? Yes, I miss so much the safety I felt with him at one time, but that is also gone. Your longing for him to call is natural, it is natural to want the human connection. Just be aware of what are your emotions, just emotions and what is reality. The reality of the situation sobers me up quickly.
Apologies for not responding to you sooner. Please feel free to message me privately. I am getting better. I have learned how to let the pain be what is is. Pain.. Has it changed me? Yes. For the worst, no, I am just different, have grown and am more emotionally sober. Please give yourself time to mourn the loss of a dream, the loss of the potential love. I do have a mantra, the Al anon serenity prayer, there is not much else to do. My plan is to keep staying in the present, not to stay too long in the past, not too long in the future, I am reprogramming my brain to not allow myself to stay in doom and gloom. I am working on myself to be able to be at peace, no matter what my ex is doing. Do I wish my husband came back? Wow, that is a loaded question. Sometimes yes and sometimes no. The husband that I would like to come back does not exist anymore. I could have stayed if he would have wanted to work on his sobriety, but he still does not want to be sober. It is his life and I can't make him, I have to accept that. I know that I needed him to commit to sobriety otherwise I couldn't stay in the relationship. I deserve someone who is trying to be present in life. Do I wish it was different? Yes, I miss so much the safety I felt with him at one time, but that is also gone. Your longing for him to call is natural, it is natural to want the human connection. Just be aware of what are your emotions, just emotions and what is reality. The reality of the situation sobers me up quickly.
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