Butterfly

It is 2 months today sine my AH walked out as he wanted to do what he wanted when he wanted in other words drink when he wants.

So I met with my AH yesterday to talk as he has apparently been trying to sort himself out!! Unfortunately his way of sorting himself out has been to try and work things out in his head by himself while he continues to drink!!

I was worried about seeing him as every time I've seen him previously I would have been so upset and cried the whole time but yesterday I didn't I held it together for which I am proud of myself for.

Unfortunately what he said hasn't and won't resolve the current situation as he is still unwilling to seek help or give up drinking. He told me that he wants to be with me and wants his future to be with me but also wants to be on his own and isn't sure how it all ties in together but part of it is that he can't keep letting me down and hurting me! He says he feels we are better off without him and is still in love with me and knows he has a problem with alcohol and he has to give up drinking but he doesn't want to stop drinking. He is scared of failing!!!! He is very depressed and has such low self worth which the drinking doesn't help I fact will make him feel worse about himself. He doesn't want to keep me dangling in case he completely loses it and never comes back home. I am worried about him I have never seen him this low!

Apparently drinking is helping him cope with life at the minute, leaving his family, caring for a dying family member and it makes him feel better but he just has to get on with it. He acknowledged that it makes him feel better as it helps to block everything out. At the minute he is focusing on caring for his family member and that's why he just has to get on with it

He is right while he continues to drink and put drink before his family we are better off without him and although I have offered to support him he doesn't want me to. This I know is because I ask questions and make his think about things that he doesn't want to think about!! He told me yesterday as he was leaving that even talking today was making his anxious and he wanted to drink. He wasn't blaming me he has never blamed me for his drinking.

I thought I would be very upset yesterday after he left but I wasn't it was a very strange feeling almost like a calmness a sense of acknowledgement that my husband was not in the right place to seek help not for his family or for himself at this time he just wants to keep going focus on other things and use alcohol to cope rather than try to stop!!

I think acceptance kicked in yesterday for me regardless of what I said my husband wouldn't change unless he wanted to. It doesn't matter that he's in love with me and wants his future to be with me these are just words his actions show me that he's not willing to do anything at this time to ensure that he has a future with me.

For some reason I take comfort in the fact that he's still in love with me, wants to be with me and wants his future to be with me. I don't know why maybe it gives me hope that he will fight for us but at the same time I have recognised that I have to look after myself and my kids first and foremost. My son is sitting his final school exams and he needs me to be strong and support him and my daughter is very angry with her father and she needs me. My kids have to be and will be my priority. Last night was the first night I went to bed and believed I would be ok that was a nice feeling!!

I have told my husband that I will give him time to sort himself out but at the same time I will be sorting myself out seeking help and support to find a way to deal with everything. I don't know where I will be if or when my husband decides he wants to stop drinking I may have moved on and rebuilt my life.

I know that there are many difficult days ahead of me but for the first time in 2 months I have hope for me and my children and I am going to accept each bad day as just that a difficult day and welcome every good day and make the most of it! Today was a good day

iSPAZ

Sounds like you are doing a great job at emotionally detaching from his problem. When I see my now XAW it takes me a day or too to get back on track and just plain makes me sad. Be proud of yourself as this is so difficult and you are doing great.

Butterfly

I am sad that alcohol has such a hold over him that he would choose it over his family but I can't change that only he can. I love him and would love for him to come home but he has to become sober first and he's not in the right place and may never be. We were together 18 years, married 17 of those next month and I have lived with his addiction since we met with periods where he stopped drinking but they never lasted long. I always thought love was enough. Yesterday I realised it's not! That makes me sad the thought that I wasn't enough for my husband.