I can't get it together
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: NB, Canada
Posts: 26
I can't get it together
My AV is so loud. I read these forums, post, gain confidence, tell myself 'yes, I have a problem' - 12 hours later, I'm another person and there is no way I have a problem. I go so far as to convince myself that I WANT a problem - yes, I'm so messed up in the head that I want a problem and alcoholism fits the bill enough at the time that it must be it, I'm not truly an alcoholic. I then compare rather than identify, count drinks, count drunks, etc. Then, I drink. @%$@%@%! I can't get out of my freaking head. I need out of my head. I'm terrified of being that person in chapter 5 - the one who won't get it. I've been told by a lady in rooms that I'm just not ready, but I need to be ready. In the mornings, in desperation, I'm ready. Can't I latch onto that? I need to be ready.
Am I an alcoholic? The biggest thing that stands in my way is - well, me, of course. But besides that - is when I hear people talking about not being able to stop after that first drink. I think I can stop. I have definitely had only a a couple drinks before - not often, but I can do it. I definitely did it to not appear to be a pig, but I can do it. Also, I don't always get drunk. Especially in the past 18 months (since relapsing after a stint of being sober) as I have to hide it. SO it's been very controlled. As little as a 6-pack, one hour, hide the evidence, onto daily life. Why am I even writing this? Every post I've written is like I'm begging to be diagnosed by a stranger when it clearly doesn't work. I know I need to accept it for myself. I'm just scared it's never going to happen. I just want to get it. I can't do it anymore.
Am I an alcoholic? The biggest thing that stands in my way is - well, me, of course. But besides that - is when I hear people talking about not being able to stop after that first drink. I think I can stop. I have definitely had only a a couple drinks before - not often, but I can do it. I definitely did it to not appear to be a pig, but I can do it. Also, I don't always get drunk. Especially in the past 18 months (since relapsing after a stint of being sober) as I have to hide it. SO it's been very controlled. As little as a 6-pack, one hour, hide the evidence, onto daily life. Why am I even writing this? Every post I've written is like I'm begging to be diagnosed by a stranger when it clearly doesn't work. I know I need to accept it for myself. I'm just scared it's never going to happen. I just want to get it. I can't do it anymore.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Lyricchi, I can't say whether or not you're an alcoholic, but I can see you have a problem with drink. You want to abstain, but you can't. Personally speaking, I only gained peace when I realised I couldn't drink anymore. It eliminated all the doubt, self reproach and regret, and I couldn't go back.
Why not try for sobriety again, this time armed with the knowledge of how miserable trying to moderate makes you? A great first step is to see your doctor and talk to him about it. Really be honest.
I hope you stay around SR and use the support. All the best.....
Why not try for sobriety again, this time armed with the knowledge of how miserable trying to moderate makes you? A great first step is to see your doctor and talk to him about it. Really be honest.
I hope you stay around SR and use the support. All the best.....
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Denial...big time. You have a couple times where you can control you drinking, fine, we all have...it is luck, not evidence that we are normal drinkers. Non-alcoholics don't sneak their drinks either.
Don' get caught up in labels. You struggles should be proof enough of a problem.
Don' get caught up in labels. You struggles should be proof enough of a problem.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
I kept being dragged back to the same dark existence 99 times out of a hundred I drank.
That one time when 'nothing bad happened', I clung to like a drowning man clings to a liferaft.
That one time didn't mean I wasn't an alcoholic, it just meant that sometimes I was an alcoholic who got lucky.
D
That one time when 'nothing bad happened', I clung to like a drowning man clings to a liferaft.
That one time didn't mean I wasn't an alcoholic, it just meant that sometimes I was an alcoholic who got lucky.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
It took me a long, long time to accept that I couldn't drink like a normal person. I sure wanted to drink like a normal person. But people who can drink normally don't obsess about their drinking. Normal people don't twist themselves into knots trying to convince themselves that they can drink normally. They don't desperately pray that tonight, please, let me stop at just one, please, please please. And almost no normal drinkers would find themselves scouring the internet trying to find evidence that they can drink normally and asking a bunch of drunks to tell them that they are a normal drinker. I did all of that.
I had to accept that drinking alcohol is not good for me regardless of what label I put on myself. I don't have to worry about planning, hiding, justifying. But, it still took me a long time to reach that point. Just come here. You have already started if you are realizing that you are comparing instead of identifying. Good luck.
I had to accept that drinking alcohol is not good for me regardless of what label I put on myself. I don't have to worry about planning, hiding, justifying. But, it still took me a long time to reach that point. Just come here. You have already started if you are realizing that you are comparing instead of identifying. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi. Many of us get very involved in words we don't like or accept. I tried picking another reference I felt more comfortable with. Today alcoholic to me means that I CANNOT DRINK IN SAFETY, period. I need the program as it's layed out, not the way I want it and then practice the principals. Sometimes it's too simple for complicated minds like mine.
BE WELL
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Hi Lyricchi,
I don't know. I kind of slid past the labeling of myself and went straight to just the fact that what I was doing and how I was living wasn't working. It obviously wasn't because I was pretty miserable most of the time. It made sense to me that alcohol was pretty much the main culprit in my unhappiness regardless of how much or how often I drank it.
It just didn't fit into my life in any shape or form anymore. So now what?
I had to quit drinking it.
If anything, it showed me that regardless of even a few drinks here and there it just was the cause of pretty much most of my problems. I figured I owed it to myself to find out who and what I could be without it.
I knew it wouldn't be easy and I knew I would try to convince myself it wasn't the problem on some days. I knew because that is pretty much what I said to myself everyday for 15 years. And I knew that was a problem. So I planned on what was I going to do when that happened.
I was right. That voice came. And when it was telling me to go back and do what I always did before, I chose to find someone else to listen to. There were a lot of someones on here to listen to. In time, I could listen to myself because the longer I stayed away from it, the more clear it became that it was the problem all along.
Every time that voice told me to go do what I did before that never worked but I did it anyway, I just reminded myself that those were the times I had to pick the hard road. The one that felt like I was going to fall apart. I didn't fall apart. I just cried a lot. And slept a lot, and did a lot of things a lot. A lot of anything but drink.
There just was no other way for me. I knew it was one or the other. I did have to trust that the other would be better though. Because at first, it didn't seem that way sometimes. Then it did get better. Now...it's pretty awesome.
Hang in there. Don't give up. Push yourself past a limit that has been holding you back. One limit at a time. You can do it.
I don't know. I kind of slid past the labeling of myself and went straight to just the fact that what I was doing and how I was living wasn't working. It obviously wasn't because I was pretty miserable most of the time. It made sense to me that alcohol was pretty much the main culprit in my unhappiness regardless of how much or how often I drank it.
It just didn't fit into my life in any shape or form anymore. So now what?
I had to quit drinking it.
If anything, it showed me that regardless of even a few drinks here and there it just was the cause of pretty much most of my problems. I figured I owed it to myself to find out who and what I could be without it.
I knew it wouldn't be easy and I knew I would try to convince myself it wasn't the problem on some days. I knew because that is pretty much what I said to myself everyday for 15 years. And I knew that was a problem. So I planned on what was I going to do when that happened.
I was right. That voice came. And when it was telling me to go back and do what I always did before, I chose to find someone else to listen to. There were a lot of someones on here to listen to. In time, I could listen to myself because the longer I stayed away from it, the more clear it became that it was the problem all along.
Every time that voice told me to go do what I did before that never worked but I did it anyway, I just reminded myself that those were the times I had to pick the hard road. The one that felt like I was going to fall apart. I didn't fall apart. I just cried a lot. And slept a lot, and did a lot of things a lot. A lot of anything but drink.
There just was no other way for me. I knew it was one or the other. I did have to trust that the other would be better though. Because at first, it didn't seem that way sometimes. Then it did get better. Now...it's pretty awesome.
Hang in there. Don't give up. Push yourself past a limit that has been holding you back. One limit at a time. You can do it.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Lyricchi 
My AV is so loud.
And the freedom envelopes you like a down comforter.
You can do this.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 480
Originally Posted by Ruby2
It took me a long, long time to accept that I couldn't drink like a normal person. I sure wanted to drink like a normal person. But people who can drink normally don't obsess about their drinking. Normal people don't twist themselves into knots trying to convince themselves that they can drink normally. They don't desperately pray that tonight, please, let me stop at just one, please, please please. And almost no normal drinkers would find themselves scouring the internet trying to find evidence that they can drink normally and asking a bunch of drunks to tell them that they are a normal drinker. I did all of that.
I had to accept that drinking alcohol is not good for me regardless of what label I put on myself. I don't have to worry about planning, hiding, justifying. But, it still took me a long time to reach that point. Just come here. You have already started if you are realizing that you are comparing instead of identifying. Good luck.
I had to accept that drinking alcohol is not good for me regardless of what label I put on myself. I don't have to worry about planning, hiding, justifying. But, it still took me a long time to reach that point. Just come here. You have already started if you are realizing that you are comparing instead of identifying. Good luck.
Exactly!! +1
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: S.E. Wisconsin
Posts: 341
Denial was a huge factor in preventing me from
seeking help. Fifty years of drinking and only recently
I realize that I was an out of control alcoholic.
Finally the BIG crash occurred, and that is why I sought
help and why I am here.
seeking help. Fifty years of drinking and only recently
I realize that I was an out of control alcoholic.
Finally the BIG crash occurred, and that is why I sought
help and why I am here.
Last edited by Chicagoan; 05-12-2014 at 10:53 AM. Reason: Words left out
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
I agree - denial for decades almost killed me. I would not let go of the idea that I could use willpower & drink socially. My refusal to see reality brought me to 24/7 drinking and a ruined life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
Lyricchi
As I read what you have written; I'm laughing. Not at YOU!!! How you are feeling is how in my inner mind think (Did that make sense?)
I will tell you what I did. I had it in my mind I was an alcoholic, I went through the withdrawals (but did I even drink enough to have withdrawals?)
I have not touch any alcohol in almost 2 months and I am not going to. With me, it's having that "Little voice" in my head saying "What if". I didn't gain anything good from drinking so why should I? I've seen what it does to people. I seen all the side effects and the long term damage.
SO.....if you think you are an alcoholic...don't drink
if you think you are not an alcoholic....don't drink.
That is how I solved the problem of wondering. Just eliminate the possible question
As I read what you have written; I'm laughing. Not at YOU!!! How you are feeling is how in my inner mind think (Did that make sense?)
I will tell you what I did. I had it in my mind I was an alcoholic, I went through the withdrawals (but did I even drink enough to have withdrawals?)
I have not touch any alcohol in almost 2 months and I am not going to. With me, it's having that "Little voice" in my head saying "What if". I didn't gain anything good from drinking so why should I? I've seen what it does to people. I seen all the side effects and the long term damage.
SO.....if you think you are an alcoholic...don't drink
if you think you are not an alcoholic....don't drink.
That is how I solved the problem of wondering. Just eliminate the possible question
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
The only thing you can do to stop that is to starve it. You can't send it to bed hungry for a couple of nights. You have to starve it for a few months. Then one day as you're getting ready for bed the thought hits you...I didn't hear from my AV all day today.
And the freedom envelopes you like a down comforter.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
I think anyone who has an "AV" or "a voice" or "a committee" probably has a drinking problem. I don't think "normal" drinkers have those.
I also think that a drinking problem is a drinking problem. No matter how big or how small. Whether you're the grandma that only drinks once a year but every time she does she ends up insulting her family or you're the man under the bridge clinging to a bottle of mouthwash.
The good news is there are a TON of options and millions of people that can help with this problem, call it whatever you will. It all boils down to the choices you make.
I also think that a drinking problem is a drinking problem. No matter how big or how small. Whether you're the grandma that only drinks once a year but every time she does she ends up insulting her family or you're the man under the bridge clinging to a bottle of mouthwash.
The good news is there are a TON of options and millions of people that can help with this problem, call it whatever you will. It all boils down to the choices you make.
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