OkJustforToday

The last time I posted here, my XAGF and I had broken up and she wanted nothing to do with me. It was hard to deal with at first, but I gradually fell into a routine of focusing on myself and my health. I made many improvements in my work and career trajectory during that time. About two and a half months passed between us not talking, until she asked me to meet for coffee. We had a lot of fun (like when we first met) and started hanging out every night, strictly as "just friends" (though I still have romantic feelings for her, but have not expressed them out of fear of rejection). XAGF was kicked out of her outpatient program shortly after our initial breakup and has been on and off her cycle since. She's currently taking the last bit of suboxone she can afford and has started selling prescription meds to make money for "a tattoo," which I suspect means "my drug of choice".... but let's not dwell on speculations.

We were hanging out and talking daily for about two weeks, until today. She snapped and said that nothing has changed with me and that I still cannot listen to or support her. We should not continue hanging out or being friends, she said. A friend saw this eruption and expressed concern that my XAGF's language was abusive and that I should not allow someone to talk to me in such a way. So, I took to reading a thread here about abuse and found myself relating to much of it... "feeling like you have to walk on eggshells to keep your partner from getting angry? frightened by his/her temper? afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship, you should comply because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him/her when s/he is troubled?" and so on... While I recognize how many of the behaviors in our relationship are abusive, I'm worried that I will become an abuser in the aftermath.

Now, I'm going to express some thoughts that have been seriously disgusting me lately, especially given my experience with the XAGF. I don't know if these thoughts are normal and I do not know how to deal with them. I should probably seek more help. I realize that they're very self-destructive and I'm trying my best to keep a level-head and not act on them. Yesterday, my XAGF and I smoked a lot of marijuana and got extremely high. I've never done any other drugs and don't intend to, but I also know that I shouldn't enable her in this way, by providing drugs even if they're not her drug of choice... But part of me wants to enable her, a codependent thought that I cannot seem to shake! It's awful and makes me feel like a bad person. When we first broke up, I thought of calling her to buy some drugs of her choice so we could use together and I could numb out all of the pain I've been feeling with this. I feel like she gets me more than anyone in the world, but that's only because we have both been abused and want to escape this nagging feeling in our guts. I feel like she sees through a lot of my facade, but I also feel like I cannot open up and fully express myself, or else I will be yelled at and scolded. That's not a type of relationship I want to foster. I am worried about slipping into more self-destructive behaviors. I clearly should stay away from this person and they should stay away from me, but the only thing I want to do right now is call her up and get stoned or wasted out of our minds.

She has always told me "it takes one to know one" when it comes to addicts. Whenever we hang out, it's like we're speaking in code about what we really want. Neither one of us ever admits that we want to get messed up like this, but we do. I can see it in her eyes. I can see when she's not with me, when she's scheming on how to score. I wonder if she can see it in me too.

I don't want to confuse extreme enabling with love. This is not a relationship. Perhaps these feelings and thoughts never go away, maybe that's why addiction is such a problem. The only thing I can do is recognize them as thoughts and let them pass, without letting them become actions, habits or behaviors. But I just wish these thoughts would go away... I don't want to become a manipulative monster.

anotherfool

I think the "intensity" of the feelings we get when dealing with addicts, can often be so strong that we mistake them for something else. Something meaningful, something deep, personal, and extraordinary.

When, in fact, the intensity is simply a byproduct of chaos.

I'll leave that chaos to those who want it. Me, I like my boring life.

chicory

OkJustForToday,

Are you wanting to stop using drugs? Are you working on recovery? If you are, I would suggest staying away from drug users. If its not love, why invest, if you are wanting to stay clear of drugs anyway? This particular relationship sounds very toxic and superficial.

I am a bit confused by your post. It sounds like you may need a different forum, unless you are interested in recovery.

I wish you well, and encourage you to stick around, if you desire to find recovery .