SillyString

My last serious attempt was in 2010, and lasted 4 months until I chose to start drinking again. I drank almost every weekend (I was a weekend binger) for the next 4 yrs. I quit again 1/12/14. Lately, on weekends, I've been wanting to drink again like crazy. Almost like my thinking has been trying to sabotage my effort, the closer I've gotten to this milestone. But I haven't drank. I think I'm beginning to forget how screwed up my emotions were, how crippling the anxiety was, and how much I loathed myself for not being able to quit and for the lying and sneaking I did to keep drinking. I started telling myself the familiar story of how this sober period has "taught me" how to drink like a normal person. Not that that even makes any sense at ALL. I think what my mind is really telling me is, that I'd be so happy to drink ANY amount, that I'd sip it, take my time, moderate-because surely if I can quit, then I can moderate. Yeah no. I would posit that not drinking at all, as hard as that is sometimes, is INFINITELY easier than moderating. Moderating was hell on earth to me. Because, let's be honest, I don't want to moderate. I'd want to get blasted. And early "good behavior would only give way to the blackouts and inappropriate behavior. So, I don't know. I know I don't want to fail AGAIN, and I want to give my brain a chance to catch up and resurrect the intense gratitude I had when I first quit. How each day waking up without a hangover felt like a miracle.

I'm not going to drink...but just wanted to share the crazy thinking. Now that I've made it to 4 months, which was this big neon sign in my brain, I have to work more on the gratitude part, and changing my life activities to better fit with supporting a sober life. Watching other drinkers drink, for example, about drives me insane. I feel like a kid in time out, and/or, I have absolutely zero patience with the inane conversation/behavior. I find myself wanting to drink to just get out of my head, and also to make former drinking buddies more tolerable. How crazy is that? Drinking to not notice how certain people drive me up a wall.

I am not an AA person. I tend to drift more toward the AV concept. But all feedback is welcome! Thank you.

LBrain

120 days is awesome. way to stick with it.

grubby

You're not alone in your thinking

I think simple boredom is a big trigger, i am right behind you at just under 3 months and i can certainly relate to alcoholic thoughts. The most important thing seems to be just not listening to that little voice under any circumstances.

For what its worth, im not doing AA myself either...... just been doing this on my own - although i would not advise it for newer people, by all means take all the help you can get.

happyandfree

Sometimes I wish the thought of drinking would just GO AWAY. Congratulations on your 120 days. Im at about 5 weeks and pray I can keep going. Gotta concentrate on gratitude. This site helps a lot.

happyandfree

Actually not 5 weeks...13 weeks. Big difference. .I wonder why I made that mistake! Maybe because sometimes it feels like 5 days. Maybe because I need to remember how hard it was back in the beginning.

rove27

Hi SillyString, I can totally relate to you. I am also at the 4 month mark and every few days I get this intense urge to drink, I dismiss it as an old record that plays in my mind. People here call it the AV "alcoholic voice". The cravings go away as quickly as they come. I also get aggravated that others can drink and I cannot, but I remind myself of where I was when drinking and I never want to go back to that vicious cycle.
I am also not in AA, doing this on my own as well.

happyandfree

I not doing aa either. Although I did long ago when I first quit drinking 20 years ago. ...I met some nice people there.

Anna

SillyString, you're doing great. And, you're right, you crossed the 4month point which was significant and now you need to keep going. The recovery journey is ongoing and finding activities that work for your sober life is a great idea.

Huntingjman73

I'm glad to hear you made it that far. I'm on day 5. Made it through the weekend I agree that the desire to be able to drink a couple at the end of a long week is tough. I have just battled that moderation thing for quite a while. One day at a time

happyandfree

It's a BIG accomplishment to make it though a weekend! Congratulations-

branbran

I quit new years, so we're basically the same duration. Started noticing the thoughts a couple of weeks ago, and I'd shut them down by simply reminding myself of previous relapses, and how it always ended with me feeling worse off for everything that followed.

Keeping strong here, and hope you do as well. I think what may do it for you is developing new hobbies, and things to do on the weekend. There's a bar pretty much all over, so it can be difficult, but there's also a lot of other things to do.

Maybe think of something that can give you the same kinda rush or relief as drinking did for you, like an adrenaline rush from something fun. Depending on where you live, that might be surfing, or hang-gliding, mountain climbing, indoor climbing, bumper cars, hehe just seek out some fun things to do, and you'll be meeting sober groups and having fun in no time.

At least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself, but TBH, I'm just keeping to basic things like riding my bike by myself, and other little things like that. Whatever works for you.

Keep up the good work!

Odelle

Congratulations on 4 months SillyString. I'm close to two weeks into my 4th month and limit my exposure to the drinking environment, so I don't have much to offer there. However, my AV has been very quiet lately, my last "craving" was around the 3 month mark, which is where I slipped on my last attempt. Maybe that has something to do with the cravings, getting past the last relapse period?

BranBran's suggestion on getting involved in something that you can look forward to is what many here recommend. I just signed up for yoga classes. I need to start venturing out of my cocoon and I am hoping to learn skills that will help me to deal with stress in a positive way so that the AV won't catch me off guard in the coming months.

Hang in there, this too shall pass.

ArcticSA

I posted almost the same exact thing on my 4 month mark a couple days ago. I crave worse now than at 2 months, don't know why. I think because I'm starting to forget how bad it was. If you want, check out my post on this same group it was called "4 months today and still battling" See if my AV is as much as a beast as yours is. :P
I talked myself through yet another attempted justification tonight. THINK of the hangover and the guilt, I told myself.
Also Im with you about the being around drunk people. UGH. They sound so stupid!! (dont get me wrong, I was the worst offender) and think they are so clever...
I have those reactions and then I feel like Im being very hoity-toity, because I was a raving stupid idiot just 4 months ago.
Lots of mixed feelings and emotions right now at 4months aren't there?
The good news we've been here before and we know there is only one RIGHT WAY!
The other way is certain disaster.

SillyString

Thanks to everyone for your great feedback!! As you suggest, I need to find enjoyable ways to fill my time. And as BranBran says not just fill my time but give me a rush of excitement. I am having some trouble leaving the drinking crowd behind. There is one very close friend. I almost feel with all that I have given up, I can't give up this person too. And...if I'm honest, I know this person has no room in her life for a non drinking friend. And yet I hang on to this relationship. Dumb I guess. My DH is also pretty into this group. I already feel like I'm on the outside looking in. He says we can do other things, but I've been trying to act normal and not disrupt his life, his fun...but it's getting really old. I am having no fun. None.

ArcticSA, I too was the worst drunken offender. And I think that when I zero in on how MUCH the crowd drinks and how stupid everyone gets that I am all holier than thou. It is a confusing set of emotions.

Arctic, I will definitely check out your thread!! I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one struggling. I'm not happy that anyone is, but it makes me feel less like a freak.

least

Congrats on 4 months sober! I too struggled after I hit 3 months. What saved me, and mostly ended the struggle, was gratitude. Taking the time to count my blessings went a long way in making my recovery not only bearable, but enjoyable.

Post on the Gratitude forum, if you haven't already.

Cheydinhal

I'm with you guys! I'm almost at 120 days and I've been having thoughts off and on about how good my Jack and diets used to taste and remembering the feeling after the first sip. I think coming into the summer months makes it a bit more difficult too. I haven't been having awful cravings or a really hard time, just thoughts. I haven't had thoughts at all until now. But when the thoughts have come I have immediately reminded myself how wonderful I've felt these past 4 months and how fulfilling my life has become and I've looked in the mirror and seen how good I look back to the weight I was years ago and I know I NEVER want to go back to drinking