Advice:need to remove AS from my home
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Yakima,WA
Posts: 10
Advice:need to remove AS from my home
My son got out of rehab last October and has been living with me and his father. Until recently he has been job hunting but the last few weeks we are seeing his old behaviors: lying, missing money, yelling, picking fights, threats us etc. I've been in AlAnon since Sept. Husband doesn't believe alcoholism is a disease, he says its a choice. Husband is a binge drinker.
I am reading about codependency and know I am an enabler. But it has gotten so bad that I know AS has to be out of the house. He won't leave on his own. He threatens us when we tell him he needs to leave. We cannot physically remove him. Does this mean we need the police to have him removed? Where will they take him? Should we get a restraining order too?
How does a mother do this to her son? I am so tore up. The stress is killing me. How do you detach when you know your son will be on the streets with only a back pack of clothes.
I know what needs to be done. Now I just need to do it. Please pray for us. M
I am reading about codependency and know I am an enabler. But it has gotten so bad that I know AS has to be out of the house. He won't leave on his own. He threatens us when we tell him he needs to leave. We cannot physically remove him. Does this mean we need the police to have him removed? Where will they take him? Should we get a restraining order too?
How does a mother do this to her son? I am so tore up. The stress is killing me. How do you detach when you know your son will be on the streets with only a back pack of clothes.
I know what needs to be done. Now I just need to do it. Please pray for us. M
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
You can evict him. In the USA, if he has been living there, you cannot legally just put him out - if he won't leave voluntarily you must serve him an eviction notice. I'd find a good lawyer for this Perhaps someone in your alanon group can help?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: acceptance
Posts: 126
First let me say, I am sorry for your troubles I know having to do this with your own son must be very difficult.
I was getting this type of action from my A. I went to the local police station and got very little sympathy. They said unless he actually does something or I was willing to actually file a report their hands were tied. They told ME to leave! (I know this is your son and your house and not a choice for you to leave)
I had been locking myself in my bedroom to stay away from him, a few nights before I left he kicked the door in and pushed me around. I so wanted to call the police and even said I was going to. He laughed at me because he knew I did not want to see him be arrested or be humiliated by the neighbors seeing what was going on.
If he is making physical threats or touching you in any way you can call the police for assistance. At the minimum they would ask him to leave for a "cooling off period" or if he was at all combative they will arrest him. If he is arrested the court may put a temporary restraining order against him.
Call your local police - non-emergency number. Someone may offer you advise to get him to leave peacefully.
I was getting this type of action from my A. I went to the local police station and got very little sympathy. They said unless he actually does something or I was willing to actually file a report their hands were tied. They told ME to leave! (I know this is your son and your house and not a choice for you to leave)
I had been locking myself in my bedroom to stay away from him, a few nights before I left he kicked the door in and pushed me around. I so wanted to call the police and even said I was going to. He laughed at me because he knew I did not want to see him be arrested or be humiliated by the neighbors seeing what was going on.
If he is making physical threats or touching you in any way you can call the police for assistance. At the minimum they would ask him to leave for a "cooling off period" or if he was at all combative they will arrest him. If he is arrested the court may put a temporary restraining order against him.
Call your local police - non-emergency number. Someone may offer you advise to get him to leave peacefully.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mustang--I have been through this. You can evict him. Then, after he is gone, you can take out a no trespassing order against him. If he comes on the property after that--the police will come and make him leave. This avoids all the cops and arrest stuff--if you are squeemish about that. I understand that, being his mother, this is exquisetly painful for you.
Try to remember that this is almost a required step toward helping him learn to face his responsibilites and the consequences for his actions--no matter how painful, for you, that it might be. It is actually an act of love--though, don't expect him to see it that way for a while...LOL.
Allowing him to stay is, in reality, very harmful to him--and, enabling, also.
I know that you go to alanon--you will find other mothers who have faced this same thing, there.
I found that the serenity prayer carried me when all else seemed bleak.
dandylion
Try to remember that this is almost a required step toward helping him learn to face his responsibilites and the consequences for his actions--no matter how painful, for you, that it might be. It is actually an act of love--though, don't expect him to see it that way for a while...LOL.
Allowing him to stay is, in reality, very harmful to him--and, enabling, also.
I know that you go to alanon--you will find other mothers who have faced this same thing, there.
I found that the serenity prayer carried me when all else seemed bleak.
dandylion
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
There are several legal options to get him out (and this would probably damage any relationship you have with him-although it may make him hit bottom, so...). Oh, and I also assume when I post this that you live in the US. If not, sorry!
1. Wait until he is particularly volatile and call the police. They will ask him to leave. The next day you file a protective order.
2. Go to court and file a notice to vacate. In my state it is not an eviction notice if he is not actually on an actual lease, but it is the same general purpose. Here, it's a 30 day notice to get out. Which will be court and police enforced at the end of the 30 days.
3. Call the police and report him for theft (since you said money is missing). Document this, it may take a while to get a decent amount of money (which also varies by state) where the cops will be willing to file a report. He will go to jail, though, although definitely not for very long, but he will still be booked. And you will have to testify against him in court (assuming you don't drop the charges).
4. (I don't really like this option, but it does exist). Call the police and tell them you feel he is going to harm you and/or him in some way. They will take him to the hospital and put him under a 72 hour (that's what it is here) hold. After that, he will either get out or they will extend his stay because he needs the help. And in order for this to work, there has to be some actual danger. If he is not physically endangering you and/or himself, this will be difficult. That's why I don't like this option-otherwise it would be your best bet to get him professional help.
1. Wait until he is particularly volatile and call the police. They will ask him to leave. The next day you file a protective order.
2. Go to court and file a notice to vacate. In my state it is not an eviction notice if he is not actually on an actual lease, but it is the same general purpose. Here, it's a 30 day notice to get out. Which will be court and police enforced at the end of the 30 days.
3. Call the police and report him for theft (since you said money is missing). Document this, it may take a while to get a decent amount of money (which also varies by state) where the cops will be willing to file a report. He will go to jail, though, although definitely not for very long, but he will still be booked. And you will have to testify against him in court (assuming you don't drop the charges).
4. (I don't really like this option, but it does exist). Call the police and tell them you feel he is going to harm you and/or him in some way. They will take him to the hospital and put him under a 72 hour (that's what it is here) hold. After that, he will either get out or they will extend his stay because he needs the help. And in order for this to work, there has to be some actual danger. If he is not physically endangering you and/or himself, this will be difficult. That's why I don't like this option-otherwise it would be your best bet to get him professional help.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
During stepson's 'fun-filled crack period' *sigh*, he was a dark, threatening, scary man. My husband and I were not yet married, but my husband had to provide a written notice of eviction (30 days) and file that notice with the local magistrate. That way, if he became ugly or refused to leave, the police could be called in to help.
I hope that won't be necessary for you, and it was scary at the time....but oh so worth the peace that came after!
I hope that won't be necessary for you, and it was scary at the time....but oh so worth the peace that came after!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Yakima,WA
Posts: 10
Thank you to everyone for their responses. I talked at AlAnon last night and was covered with prayers. Several members had advice for dealing with our AS. My sponsor reminded me to hate the disease and not my son. She used the phrase, "raging disease" for what he is going through right now.
With your and her advice my husband and I are discussing options and developing a plan to set boundaries. We are also talking to a lawyer. We plan to talk with AS this evening about what he can and can't do in our home if he wishes to live here. Please continue to pray for us as we traverse this dark time in our lives.
My prayers go out to each of you that God will shine His merciful peace upon each of us and those we love. M
With your and her advice my husband and I are discussing options and developing a plan to set boundaries. We are also talking to a lawyer. We plan to talk with AS this evening about what he can and can't do in our home if he wishes to live here. Please continue to pray for us as we traverse this dark time in our lives.
My prayers go out to each of you that God will shine His merciful peace upon each of us and those we love. M
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mustang--I will share my personal experience of this, for you.
I could fill a landfill with the lists of what was expected of my son--if he were to remain in our home. He was always eager to sign--then there was a short golden period of apparent compliance. But, every time---there was hidden drinking--more clever each time--and everything fell apart. Fell apart with the most hurtful feelings on both sides. Each time--my husband and I felt more frustrated and desperate. We felt (at that time) that we could get him to see the light and guide him to sobriety--if we just did the "right thing".
I met a psychologist who is a recovering alcoholic for several years. He told me that he had never seen an adult child reach recovery while living in their parent's home as a permanent arrangement. I have learned that this is true--and there are many reasons for this--not enough time or space, here, to go into all that (LOL).
Right now, his disease is driving your son's behavior. He would probably strenuously deny this, of course--because he is still in deep denial.
It is imperative, in my opinion, that you understand a couple of things: For every time you enable him--even though he begs for it, now---he will resent you and blame you later. He will punish you. The alcoholic--especially the dependent adult child--will bite those who endeavor to "help" them the most.!! Go figure.
As parents--you are in a catch 22 if you are expecting compliance followed by loving gratitude from your child. If you cushion his falls and offer him comforts--he will blame and resent you, later. If you release him to the world to experience the full consequences and make his o wn decisions while learning how to live his life--he will be very angry and resent you and blame you to the skies.
My dear parents, you need tons of support for yourselves--which I am so glad to see that you are getting. The best thing that you can do, right now--in my experience--is to detach from him as much as you can. You don't stop loving him--you just put emotional and practical distance. Prepare yourselves for a marathon, rather than a sprint. It may take him some years to get to where he needs to be. Your example of l iving a good and stable l ife is the best example that you can give him. And, this is the humane thing for you to do. Your suffering and being miserable does absolutely nothing to help him.
For me--reading the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.--at the web site: bma-wellness.com. Under the section "Psychiatry and Wellness"----especially, the articles called: "Addiction Lies and Relationships" and "Excuses Alcoholics Make". There are several m ore articles. These were the ones that opened my eyes, the most, as to how the alcoholic brain works. It helped me not to take his actions so personally and understand what I was up against. It took so much weight off my shoulders.
Right now, knowledge is power. I am telling you all this so that you can be prepared for the future. When you have realistic expectations---you will not experience such crushing disappointment if things don't go exactly as you wish them to.
Don't worry about him being able to survive. He is young and strong and can tolerate much more discomfort than you can!! You will be surprised at what the alcoholic will and can endure just to be able to drink without reservation. He will, no doubt, push every parent button that you have to get your sympathy. Don't buy it.
I am sharing this in order to help you in the way I wish I had help. Just take anything that helps--and leave the rest.
With all my empathy,
dandylion
I could fill a landfill with the lists of what was expected of my son--if he were to remain in our home. He was always eager to sign--then there was a short golden period of apparent compliance. But, every time---there was hidden drinking--more clever each time--and everything fell apart. Fell apart with the most hurtful feelings on both sides. Each time--my husband and I felt more frustrated and desperate. We felt (at that time) that we could get him to see the light and guide him to sobriety--if we just did the "right thing".
I met a psychologist who is a recovering alcoholic for several years. He told me that he had never seen an adult child reach recovery while living in their parent's home as a permanent arrangement. I have learned that this is true--and there are many reasons for this--not enough time or space, here, to go into all that (LOL).
Right now, his disease is driving your son's behavior. He would probably strenuously deny this, of course--because he is still in deep denial.
It is imperative, in my opinion, that you understand a couple of things: For every time you enable him--even though he begs for it, now---he will resent you and blame you later. He will punish you. The alcoholic--especially the dependent adult child--will bite those who endeavor to "help" them the most.!! Go figure.
As parents--you are in a catch 22 if you are expecting compliance followed by loving gratitude from your child. If you cushion his falls and offer him comforts--he will blame and resent you, later. If you release him to the world to experience the full consequences and make his o wn decisions while learning how to live his life--he will be very angry and resent you and blame you to the skies.
My dear parents, you need tons of support for yourselves--which I am so glad to see that you are getting. The best thing that you can do, right now--in my experience--is to detach from him as much as you can. You don't stop loving him--you just put emotional and practical distance. Prepare yourselves for a marathon, rather than a sprint. It may take him some years to get to where he needs to be. Your example of l iving a good and stable l ife is the best example that you can give him. And, this is the humane thing for you to do. Your suffering and being miserable does absolutely nothing to help him.
For me--reading the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.--at the web site: bma-wellness.com. Under the section "Psychiatry and Wellness"----especially, the articles called: "Addiction Lies and Relationships" and "Excuses Alcoholics Make". There are several m ore articles. These were the ones that opened my eyes, the most, as to how the alcoholic brain works. It helped me not to take his actions so personally and understand what I was up against. It took so much weight off my shoulders.
Right now, knowledge is power. I am telling you all this so that you can be prepared for the future. When you have realistic expectations---you will not experience such crushing disappointment if things don't go exactly as you wish them to.
Don't worry about him being able to survive. He is young and strong and can tolerate much more discomfort than you can!! You will be surprised at what the alcoholic will and can endure just to be able to drink without reservation. He will, no doubt, push every parent button that you have to get your sympathy. Don't buy it.
I am sharing this in order to help you in the way I wish I had help. Just take anything that helps--and leave the rest.
With all my empathy,
dandylion
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