growing
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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growing
So, I haven't heard anything from my XAH. I was really hoping he would write my son a letter, or at least call me requesting to talk. I think it is very important that we discuss the situation before he talks to my son as my son will be asking many questions.
I am just trying to do what is right for my son. I work with children on a daily basis who have an addict(s) parent(s). These children are angry and hurt. My struggle is that I want my son to have a relationship with his father, but I'm dealing with someone wwho is spiteful, angry, resentful, scared and ashamed.
Last night I spent my whole night thinking about what I should do. What my intentions are and am I doing what's best for my son. I thought about calling him and making him talk to me. But, has honestly I dread this. These conversations are usually me asking questions and him refusing to answer and/or bold face lying. Then I realized this is our pattern. I am always the one who goes to him trying to find a solution or common ground. I'm done. I am tired of cleaning up messes. It is time for him to clean this mess up himself.
I do have fear of going to courts. But, I can't live my life in fear. I can't make decisions based on fear. I'm doing the best I can, and hopefully I have raised my son with good ethics and morals. I have to have confidence in my son making choices no matter what the outcome maybe.
After all this pondering last night and even this morning, I have decided to do nothing. I wrote him a kind letter explaining my expectations to which he ignored. I also realized that I was treating him in my thoughts as a rational adult, which he is not. He, I had to remind myself, is an addict. And, there is only a certain length he will stay zsober before he jets. Then I realized that this is usually about the time he goes away for the summer with his drug buddies. Will he go away this summer again? Or will he stay on with his family member helping her out. If he isn't in rehab or go in to meetings how long can he pretend he doesn't have a drug problem? Because if he could hurt me, and my son he can and most likely will hurt his family member who needs him right now.
So, I will wait and see. I gave him a door to open, and he didn't.
I think the one thing I need to do right now more than ever is to stay in my happy life, and not be pulled back into the anxiety and pain. Sometimes it is hard to make a choice, but once I have, I need to let go and stop thinking about him and stop coming up with scenarios and stop trying to guess what he is thinking or doing. Once I realized he didn't want to talk to me, I realized there just was no point. It is hard to let go of someone that you care about and worry about. But as the years go by I am getting understanding each day where my mind needs to be to be healthy. Focused on Mme and my sons happy life.
Our hearts are full of love, compassion and forgiveness, but unfortunately it seems to be one way and not reciprocal.
So today I am going to stop this madness. I'm going to stop dwelling on things I have no control over. I am going to focus on being a mom and a good person. I am going to focus on all the beautiful things I have in my life. I'm going to cuddle my son. Because there is nothing better than being happy. Isn't that what life is about?
Happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful mamas!!! Spoil yourselves!
I am just trying to do what is right for my son. I work with children on a daily basis who have an addict(s) parent(s). These children are angry and hurt. My struggle is that I want my son to have a relationship with his father, but I'm dealing with someone wwho is spiteful, angry, resentful, scared and ashamed.
Last night I spent my whole night thinking about what I should do. What my intentions are and am I doing what's best for my son. I thought about calling him and making him talk to me. But, has honestly I dread this. These conversations are usually me asking questions and him refusing to answer and/or bold face lying. Then I realized this is our pattern. I am always the one who goes to him trying to find a solution or common ground. I'm done. I am tired of cleaning up messes. It is time for him to clean this mess up himself.
I do have fear of going to courts. But, I can't live my life in fear. I can't make decisions based on fear. I'm doing the best I can, and hopefully I have raised my son with good ethics and morals. I have to have confidence in my son making choices no matter what the outcome maybe.
After all this pondering last night and even this morning, I have decided to do nothing. I wrote him a kind letter explaining my expectations to which he ignored. I also realized that I was treating him in my thoughts as a rational adult, which he is not. He, I had to remind myself, is an addict. And, there is only a certain length he will stay zsober before he jets. Then I realized that this is usually about the time he goes away for the summer with his drug buddies. Will he go away this summer again? Or will he stay on with his family member helping her out. If he isn't in rehab or go in to meetings how long can he pretend he doesn't have a drug problem? Because if he could hurt me, and my son he can and most likely will hurt his family member who needs him right now.
So, I will wait and see. I gave him a door to open, and he didn't.
I think the one thing I need to do right now more than ever is to stay in my happy life, and not be pulled back into the anxiety and pain. Sometimes it is hard to make a choice, but once I have, I need to let go and stop thinking about him and stop coming up with scenarios and stop trying to guess what he is thinking or doing. Once I realized he didn't want to talk to me, I realized there just was no point. It is hard to let go of someone that you care about and worry about. But as the years go by I am getting understanding each day where my mind needs to be to be healthy. Focused on Mme and my sons happy life.
Our hearts are full of love, compassion and forgiveness, but unfortunately it seems to be one way and not reciprocal.
So today I am going to stop this madness. I'm going to stop dwelling on things I have no control over. I am going to focus on being a mom and a good person. I am going to focus on all the beautiful things I have in my life. I'm going to cuddle my son. Because there is nothing better than being happy. Isn't that what life is about?
Happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful mamas!!! Spoil yourselves!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Story, my heart hurts for you but you cannot wait and see and move forward with your life at the same time. You can't make him say what he doesn't want to say, you can't make him keep promises that he cannot keep for himself, no matter how much we want for our addicted loved ones to come to their senses...it's just not ours to fix, or make, or try to change.
You are wise to raise your child in a home where active addiction does not live. Go with that and make a wonderful life for the two of you. Don't wait for promises that cannot be kept, instead promise yourself that each day you and your child will find happiness together and live life well.
Hugs and Happy Mother's Day to you and all the dear mamas here who are raising children alone. How hard your job is, how brave you all are, how blessed your children are to have you.
Hugs
You are wise to raise your child in a home where active addiction does not live. Go with that and make a wonderful life for the two of you. Don't wait for promises that cannot be kept, instead promise yourself that each day you and your child will find happiness together and live life well.
Hugs and Happy Mother's Day to you and all the dear mamas here who are raising children alone. How hard your job is, how brave you all are, how blessed your children are to have you.
Hugs
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Originally Posted by story74 
... but I'm dealing with someone wwho is spiteful, angry, resentful, scared and ashamed.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Story,
No matter how hard you try, you won't find a magic word to make this man do what is right.
What you can do, however, is raise your son in a loving , peaceful and safe home. He will love you for that. And in having a backbone, and taking care of you, he will learn the value of a woman.
Put your efforts back into what you have power over, loving your child, and making a good life for both of you. As cynical said... no father is better than a bad father.
No matter how hard you try, you won't find a magic word to make this man do what is right.
What you can do, however, is raise your son in a loving , peaceful and safe home. He will love you for that. And in having a backbone, and taking care of you, he will learn the value of a woman.
Put your efforts back into what you have power over, loving your child, and making a good life for both of you. As cynical said... no father is better than a bad father.
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