Haven't posted in a while

Old 05-11-2014, 03:22 AM
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Haven't posted in a while

Hi. I haven't posted in a while. I needed time to digest everything that was happening for me and everything that was being being said to me.

For those who don't know my AH left me 2 months tomorrow. He said he can't do this anymore and wants to be on his own he said he was unhappy at home but happy being with me!!! He was struggling with drink, caring for his uncle who is dying and took very ill just after Christmas 2014 and feelings that he was no good for me and that I was better off without him as he kept letting me down particularly in Feb when he binged badly. After which he would have felt very depressed and guilty for a period of time before he talked himself round and drank again. He says he's not experiencing these low depressions and feelings of guilt. Is that because he doesn't have to consider the impact it is having on me and his kids??

We have spoken several times since he left, I haven't been able to practice no contact as I have so many questions!!! The longest I have lasted is 3 days!! Recently he told me that there are days that all he wants to do is drink but can't at the minute as he is staying with his mum. He won't know until he's living on his own which is soon whether he will drink every night or all day. He has said that he is in love with me more than ever but can't keep putting me through all the hurt his drinking has caused. Recently he has said that being able to drink when he wants is helping him deal with life at the moment and that it makes him feel better?? When he was at home he would have experienced periods of very low depression and guilt after one of his drinking binges and now he doesn't. I don't understand why this has changed. Is it because he doesn't have to feel guilty about hurting me and letting me down and the only person he has to consider is himself??

He also told me that part of the reason held was that he didn't want to go through counselling and knew that he'd be letting me down again after he promised he would!! To me it's simple if you love someone and want to spend your life with them you will do what ever you have to so you won't keep hurting them. Maybe it's different for my Husband. He believes this is what is best for me. His uncles illness has impacted on him badly and he is one of his main carers. My Husband has always used to drink to cope with difficulties!!

He says he's still in love with me but feels that he needs to do this on his own he needs to know that if he doesn't drink it's because he chooses to and not because of any other influence or control???? He wants to be able to manage this on his own!! When I ask him if he's happy he says he doesn't know he just feel numb. What does that mean??

I haven't been coping too well and I am now off work as I couldn't concentrate on anything but what is happening. I spend most days in tears as I am so devastated that he left rather than seek help like he promised. There are days where I feel that everyone is better off without me. I have no motivation or energy and just sit about analysing everything and crying. I am struggling to cope with the loss of my husband. There are days I think how can he love me if he is hurting me like this? Why do I want to be with someone who could hurt me like this? If he ever did want to come home how could I ever trust him or feel secure in my marriage with him? I don't have the answers and may never have them. I do have a few very good friends but I hate bothering them with all this and worry they will get fed up with me and leave too. I am on a waiting list for counselling.

I am in a very bad place and can't see a way out. My Husband has hurt me so deeply I'm not sure I will ever recover!! I want to help him through this but he won't let me. He refuses to talk in any detail to me about any of this and won't speak with anyone else. I am not ready to give up on him on our marriage I love him and when he wasn't drinking he was a loving husband but drink consumes him at times and he has struggled with it for longer than I have known him. We have been together 18 years and would be our 17th wedding anniversary next month.

How do I support him but also look after myself and prepare that he may never want to come home or seek help??
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Old 05-11-2014, 04:22 AM
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Hi Confused, I can tell by your post how much this is dominating your life, and I'm not surprised because you don't have a resolution. He is stringing you along, in that he won't let you go, keeping you on the hook by telling you how much he loves you. No wonder your head's spinning.
Look at his actions, not his words.
- WORDS; He tells you he loves you more than ever. ACTIONS; he's moved out so he can drink in peace.
- He won't go to counselling, and isn't planning to stop drinking my any method.
- His actions make it clear that drinking comes first.

He is an untreated alcoholic and he's not planning to do anything about it. At least he's honest. Until you really believe that, you won't be able to move on. He's already made his choice, it's just that you can't see it.

You have some choices too, and they should be based on you knowing that he's not going to stop drinking, and he's not working on stopping. You can hang off his every action and word and base your life on his actions, like the faithful tragic heroine of a sad book, OR you can make plans to begin to live a good life without him, because he's already gone.

Once you make that decision, at least you'll have a plan and something to work on. I know it's terribly painful but it will get better, and look how you are now.

You are waiting for counselling, which is good. Have you been to Alanon yet? If not, please consider it because there will be a lot of people there who understand your pain. Also try very hard to go 'non-contact', unless absolutely necessary. If you do speak to him, keep it about practical arrangements. You can question him for years and you won't get any answers.

ATM he's getting all the benefits. You're hanging on his words, and he still gets to do exactly what he wants. If there is any hope for recovery he has to feel some consequences.

I'm thinking of you; I know from my own experience how painful it is, but at least I had a clean break.
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Old 05-11-2014, 04:58 AM
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What I see here is that unlike most alcoholics your husband is acknowledging that his disease has detrimental effects on you which he no longer wants to put on you. And like most active alcoholics he is also putting himself in a position to drink without boundary.

While the answer would seem obvious (to us all) that he should choose recovery, I read that your husband is unsure if he can or wants to do that. This is not a metric for deciding whether or not your husband loves you.

When I ask him if he's happy he says he doesn't know he just feel numb. What does that mean?? Of course I don't know for sure but it sounds like he is in limbo/gray area. Can't decide what's the right thing to do. Not sure if he can get sober. Wants to be with you but doesn't want to hurt you. Doesn't want to come home if he can't quit and not sure if he can or wants to and doesn't want to hear and sh!t in the meantime about his drinking.

He also told me that part of the reason held was that he didn't want to go through counselling and knew that he'd be letting me down again after he promised he would!! He is still actively drinking - counseling is unsuccessful for most who are actively drinking. I think your husband is very well aware that this is the core problem. He doesn't need a counselor to tell him what he already knows.

He believes this is what is best for me.
He is right, it is what's best for you as he is still actively drinking.

Is it because he doesn't have to feel guilty about hurting me and letting me down and the only person he has to consider is himself??
Yes. Its a very, very selfish disease.

I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I strongly recommend you get into an Al Anon program as soon as possible. "Let go or be dragged" is the motto of the sober spouse. I hope today is a better day for you. Understand that no decision has been made. No one has decided to leave the marriage permanently. I hope your husband chooses recovery but in the meantime you need to help yourself.
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Old 05-11-2014, 05:22 AM
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I'm obsessive about what he says I think of nothing else what he's doing how he's coping does he miss me does he love me why won't he fight for me? I'm the one who contacts him asking questions that I know he has no answers to but I keep hoping he will have some or have changed his thought process but he doesn't. I know I am better off without him with how he's acting and I do look at his actions but because he loves me I keep thinking there is hope for him for us!! From the minute I wake up in the morning until I go to bed he is all I think about!!

I look at his actions and think how can he really be in love with me and hurt me this way. Surely love shouldn't hurt this much?

The difficulty I have is that I don't know how to make plans without him how to plan for a future without him when all my hopes and dreams were tied up with him!! I am scared of a future without him and being on my own.

I haven't been to an al anon group yet I'm not great with talking in groups and part of me thinks at times that he left because I make him unhappy and maybe being away from me he will be happy.

Although he tells me he's in love with me he refuses to see me or talk to me about this I only see him about once a fortnight for a cuppa. He says it's too difficult. He has told me not to wait for him and that I need to move on as he may never be able to sort himself out. So why do I still old out hope?
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Old 05-11-2014, 05:28 AM
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Thank you redatlanta but it feels permanent as he has bought a new apartment he says it is an investment as he won't pay money on rent that he will never be able to get back. He says there are options should things change.

You are the first person to say that just because he is unsure whether he wants/can recover doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Thank you I needed to hear that.
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Old 05-11-2014, 05:38 AM
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You have been with him for a long time I imagine is part of the reason. You love him, you want him to be ok. You are his spouse, its in our vows to support through sickness and in health.

Being married is an identity. Your identity is "Mrs X'. This is one of the hardest parts of divorce, to find out who we are when we are no longer 'Mrs. X'.

I think you have a lot to learn about alcoholism - it sounds like you don't fully understand the disease. Its not personal, really, its not. He didn't choose it, no one would. You are also imposing logic on a disease whose very existence is illogical.

You are also doing a lot of what we call "future tripping". Future tripping is the road to hell. The fact is no one knows what will happen in the future. Here is what we do know in the present. Your husband is an alcoholic who is not seeking recovery. He has told you to move on. He has told you he is unsure whether he will ever stop drinking. Today what are your thoughts on that? Do you wish to live with his active alcoholism? Do you want your life to continue to be chaos and unmanageable?

You are spinning your wheels over the future - the what ifs. What if he stops, what if he recovers, what if he wants to try again?

Well what if he never stops, never recovers and never wants to come home. How long will you wait to see "what if" he does?

Live in the present and proceed with what you know. Al Anon does not require you contribute, you don't have to say a word. You will find people who are going through exactly what you are. You can work the steps (if you choose) to overcome this. Highly recommend it.
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Old 05-11-2014, 05:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Confused39 View Post
Thank you redatlanta but it feels permanent as he has bought a new apartment he says it is an investment as he won't pay money on rent that he will never be able to get back. He says there are options should things change.

You are the first person to say that just because he is unsure whether he wants/can recover doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Thank you I needed to hear that.
No it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. BUT just because he loves you is not reason to hang in a detrimental situation.
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Old 05-11-2014, 09:29 AM
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Hello Confused - one hard lesson I have had to learn since leaving my AH after 17 years together, like you, is that nothing about his behaviour, words or actions, was rational. And being the rational person that I am (I'm an analyst, can't help myself), I was struggling for years while we were still together to make sense of it all. Still can't, most waking hours when I'm alone are taken up going over the whole thing in my head, round and round. Like you, I haven't been to Al Anon, but my friends have stepped up to the plate and made a massive difference. They are hearing most of the 'behind closed doors stuff' for the first time, and it was a huge relief not to have to pretend any more. If, like me, you maybe haven't had them over for dinner for a while because your H's drinking was an embarrassment, ask a couple of them round and cook them a nice dinner, and talk. My girlfriends and I have had some great evenings just ... being friends. It will at least help you get a bit of perspective, and I'm sure, lighten your load for a while. Hugs.
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