Searching for God
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Too far up North
Posts: 284
Searching for God
As much as I fight it, I think I'm agnostic. I do believe there's something beyond this life, but I just don't know if I can believe that anyone knows exactly what it is. I pray often, but I feel like I don't know exactly who or what I'm praying to. I have some spirituality but no religion. I believe that our consciences are like spiritual guides to let us know wrong from right and if you do what is right and good, you will be taken care of. I try my best to be a good person and care for others.
But a part of me really wishes that I could have something more solid, to have more faith. Faith is always used in describing relationships with God. I want so badly to believe that there is a God and heaven. So many times when I'm turning stations on the radio and a Christian channel comes on, I stop and listen...hoping that I feel something. I ask God to come into my heart, to let me feel that God is there. It just seems that I can't "get it". There's always this doubt.
I grew up going to Methodist church and had no doubt in my mind about God and Jesus. But as I got older it just faded away. Now I feel lost.
It just seems like having a relationship with God would help me get through struggles in my life. I just don't know what to do or how to feel it.
I really don't want to go to a church. I don't know anyone around here and they don't take too kindly to outsiders. I feel judged and unwanted and I fear it would be the same way even at church.
I've tried reading the bible long ago and that didn't really do anything for me. Maybe I should try again. I don't know.
It really makes me sad sometimes because I want to want it so bad but so much of it is hard for me to believe.
Any advice?
But a part of me really wishes that I could have something more solid, to have more faith. Faith is always used in describing relationships with God. I want so badly to believe that there is a God and heaven. So many times when I'm turning stations on the radio and a Christian channel comes on, I stop and listen...hoping that I feel something. I ask God to come into my heart, to let me feel that God is there. It just seems that I can't "get it". There's always this doubt.
I grew up going to Methodist church and had no doubt in my mind about God and Jesus. But as I got older it just faded away. Now I feel lost.
It just seems like having a relationship with God would help me get through struggles in my life. I just don't know what to do or how to feel it.
I really don't want to go to a church. I don't know anyone around here and they don't take too kindly to outsiders. I feel judged and unwanted and I fear it would be the same way even at church.
I've tried reading the bible long ago and that didn't really do anything for me. Maybe I should try again. I don't know.
It really makes me sad sometimes because I want to want it so bad but so much of it is hard for me to believe.
Any advice?
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
I don't feel that you need to sit in a church to feel connected to God Sol - Maybe just a simple prayer that He guide & direct your heart? It helped me to feel close to him when I understood that just as we care for our children & it hurts us when they are hurting, He feels that same way for each of us. (((Hugs))) to you
Wu Wei
Join Date: May 2014
Location: So. California, USA
Posts: 351
I share a lot of the same feelings as you. I have heard it said that everyone is an agnostic in some sense of the word because no one knows for sure how it all works. We who believe do so through faith. It's a hope that it's all true. I wish this was more reassuring but it seems like this is all we get. At least this is all I get.
I search for the "conscience contact" with a higher power everyday but find myself searching, searching searching....but for some reason I never give up. Something or someone spurs me on and keeps me interested.
I read a book called The Cloud of Unknowing and it helped me immensely. The basic premise of the book is Contemplative Christian and teaches that we cannot understand God fully in this life but are left with is this 'cloud of unknowing' or in other words a relationship with the mystery of God in a contemplative sense. So I put my faith in the fact that I don't 'know' but I want to 'know' and somehow this seems to begin to satisfy the desire to feel God's presence in my life. It's like, when I just let go and be in the moment of the unknowing, I feel. And that keeps me going for the next moment. I hope this helps.
I search for the "conscience contact" with a higher power everyday but find myself searching, searching searching....but for some reason I never give up. Something or someone spurs me on and keeps me interested.
I read a book called The Cloud of Unknowing and it helped me immensely. The basic premise of the book is Contemplative Christian and teaches that we cannot understand God fully in this life but are left with is this 'cloud of unknowing' or in other words a relationship with the mystery of God in a contemplative sense. So I put my faith in the fact that I don't 'know' but I want to 'know' and somehow this seems to begin to satisfy the desire to feel God's presence in my life. It's like, when I just let go and be in the moment of the unknowing, I feel. And that keeps me going for the next moment. I hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 556
Sol- I was much like you seven years ago. I began my search much like you.
The Big Book says that in every Man, Woman and Child there is a fundamental understanding of God. Of course none of us can prove a God existence, for if we could, well we'd be God.
Take your basic understanding of a higher power, and build from there. The God of my understanding will take faith as small as a mustard seed and make it grow.
You've already done your part by asking him/her/it into your life. Just believe that the universe has accepted your plea. He/She/It will do for you what you could/can not do for yourself. But in God's timing, which is always perfect. Nothing happens in God't world by mistake. You found yourself here by 'accident', right? Seek and ye shall find.
Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. You will find your God, of your understanding in time.
The Big Book says that in every Man, Woman and Child there is a fundamental understanding of God. Of course none of us can prove a God existence, for if we could, well we'd be God.
Take your basic understanding of a higher power, and build from there. The God of my understanding will take faith as small as a mustard seed and make it grow.
You've already done your part by asking him/her/it into your life. Just believe that the universe has accepted your plea. He/She/It will do for you what you could/can not do for yourself. But in God's timing, which is always perfect. Nothing happens in God't world by mistake. You found yourself here by 'accident', right? Seek and ye shall find.
Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. You will find your God, of your understanding in time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,370
I was an agnostic for a long time. I wanted to believe in God but years of drugs and drink had left me with the impression He was nowhere to be found.
I had to get out my own way in order to find God again.
What I mean by that is I had so many thoughts, worries and preconceptions in my head I was essentially spiritually blind.
As I went further in my recovery the hubbub in my head quelled down a little and I found God had been there all the time
I was so wrapped up in the day to day stuff of my messed up life I just didn't notice
I need to read this book cos I really love this quote:
“What writing teaches me, over and over, is that God is waiting to be found everywhere, in the darkest corners of our lives, the dead ends and bad neighborhoods we wake up in, and in the simplest, lightest, most singular and luminous moments. He's hiding, like a child, in quite obvious and visible places, because he wants to be found. The miracle is that he dwells in both.”
― Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life
D
I had to get out my own way in order to find God again.
What I mean by that is I had so many thoughts, worries and preconceptions in my head I was essentially spiritually blind.
As I went further in my recovery the hubbub in my head quelled down a little and I found God had been there all the time
I was so wrapped up in the day to day stuff of my messed up life I just didn't notice
I need to read this book cos I really love this quote:
“What writing teaches me, over and over, is that God is waiting to be found everywhere, in the darkest corners of our lives, the dead ends and bad neighborhoods we wake up in, and in the simplest, lightest, most singular and luminous moments. He's hiding, like a child, in quite obvious and visible places, because he wants to be found. The miracle is that he dwells in both.”
― Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life
D
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Originally Posted by Soliloquy 
As much as I fight it, I think I'm agnostic. I do believe there's something beyond this life, but I just don't know if I can believe that anyone knows exactly what it is.
Any advice?
Any advice?
I was an agnostic, but I held atheistic beliefs. I had a good education. Faith did not cut it for me. I didn’t want faith. I wanted to know. Someone pointed out that I had never searched….
So, I studied the worlds most sacred texts. From the book of John, to the Hindu book of the dead. I searched, with an open mind. I asked earnestly, and ceaselessly for an answer (to what I did not know). At the same time I engaged in spiritual, but nonreligious practices. I had never done anything like this before. Not even remotely close to an honest search. Not with an open mind.
I got my answer. I no longer need to believe.
I know.
Your search must be your own. Do it well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
HMMMM. I was in a similar position and went to a group. There a very smart lady told me:
Why don't you ask the divine to reveal itself to you. Tell the divine that you want to get to know god and see what will happen. Following this advice just blew me away and the results were unbelievable.
Why don't you ask the divine to reveal itself to you. Tell the divine that you want to get to know god and see what will happen. Following this advice just blew me away and the results were unbelievable.
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
I wasn't going to share this Sol, but I do believe there is God and he/she/it sometimes speaks to me. I have believed since I was a child, not sure why. Now I am not a "good" christian because I only ask truly seek him out when I am having problems mostly. I don't go to church regularly, have not read through the Bible. I just have faith.
Now when I say speaks to me I don't have voices in my head it is more of a feeling. Telling me to go left when I plan to go right, or whatever, and quite often I don't listen, to my regret because in hindsight I would have been better off if I had listened.
I don't feel comfortable sharing this but I will for you. My mother had a fall at home and injured her hip and shoulder, she couldn't take care of herself so she was in a nursing home/physical rehab. Now in my house growing up we never said I love you to each other, don't know why we just didn't. The last day I saw her alive as I was leaving from visiting her I had an extremely strong feeling to tell her I love her, stronger than I ever had before, But I just fought it off and said goodbye. That night I got a phone call that she had died, it was unexpected. It troubles me to this day.
Keep searching for God, none of us know his plan, I believe there is a plan for everything, but he will reveal himself to you when he knows you are ready. Don't give up. I will be praying for you Sol.
Now when I say speaks to me I don't have voices in my head it is more of a feeling. Telling me to go left when I plan to go right, or whatever, and quite often I don't listen, to my regret because in hindsight I would have been better off if I had listened.
I don't feel comfortable sharing this but I will for you. My mother had a fall at home and injured her hip and shoulder, she couldn't take care of herself so she was in a nursing home/physical rehab. Now in my house growing up we never said I love you to each other, don't know why we just didn't. The last day I saw her alive as I was leaving from visiting her I had an extremely strong feeling to tell her I love her, stronger than I ever had before, But I just fought it off and said goodbye. That night I got a phone call that she had died, it was unexpected. It troubles me to this day.
Keep searching for God, none of us know his plan, I believe there is a plan for everything, but he will reveal himself to you when he knows you are ready. Don't give up. I will be praying for you Sol.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Soliloquy
I've tried reading the bible long ago and that didn't really do anything for me.
Maybe I should try again.
Maybe I should try again.
but -- well worth it in the end -- if given the ears so as to understand
God please open our minds and hearts as we study your Word
Amen
How to Listen to the Lord (Mark 4:21-34) John MacArthur
How to Listen to the Lord (Mark 4:21-34) John MacArthur - YouTube
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Too far up North
Posts: 284
Thank you. Everyone of your posts have sincerely given me some comfort.
I get so discouraged because so many times I pray "let me know what to do. I open myself to you. I want to feel your presence. Please help me understand", and I feel like I am not being heard. I don't only pray when I need help, I give thanks as well. I just don't know who or what I'm praying to or if anyone is listening.
So much of my life is consumed by fear. I struggle every single day of my life, worrying about terrible things that can happen. I am very aware of the fact that everyone I love will some day die and we never know when. I become deeply saddened and sometimes almost panicked, overwhelmed by the fact that my children will one day die. Even if it's 90 years from now. The fact I know horrible things will happen to them, painful things, is too much to bare sometimes. Of course I am also worried about all of my other loved ones as well. I have so many terrible scenarios polluting my mind. I want to rid of these thoughts and just have "faith." I'm jealous of people who have the "let go and let God" mentality and really truly have security in doing so.
I belief whole heartedly in the afterlife. Some years ago I was in love with someone who I had planned spending the rest of my life with. He was someone I grew up with a really good friend. We were born exactly one week apart and we're in the same class from k-12. We reconnected after high school. Both had been divorced and had boys the same age. Our first kiss was on April Fools day 2006. One night in March 2007 he was at a Port Call. We had been taking on the phone, and both of us had gone out with friends. At the end of the night I called him and a stranger answered his phone, said they found the phone outside of a fish market and that he must've dropped it. There was blizzard conditions that night where he was. I had a horrible feeling. I didn't hear back from him. In the morning, something about the way the sun beamed through the window I felt like he was dead. I know that sounds crazy but it was true. I called his dad and told him I was worried. Everyone thought I was over reacting. I kept seeing these beams of light, and I can't explain it but I just knew. I contacted the ship. They contacted me back saying he was missing. Over a week went by. Finally, divers found his body in the harbor, confirming what I already knew. My world fell to pieces and. I went into a deep darkness. I still believe that it was foul play, as does his family. Investigators didn't pursue it because they said he had drank an equivalent of 6 beers that night . Well the man was over 200 lbs and could hold his booze. He had custody of his son and I was planning on soon coming to live with them and we were going to have a happy family. We had never had a single argument. It was perfect. Well when April Fools day came along shortly after his funeral, it felt like a sick joke. But something was happening. He was visiting me in my dreams. It was like I was partially awake. My room, everything was the same but he was there. I knew he was dead and I talked to him. I still believe it was him. I know that it was more than just dreams. After a while he quit coming and I would beg for him to come back but soon the dreams of him were just regular dreams and I didn't feel like it was really him. In retrospect i think he wanted me to move on and live my life. In fact, I believe he set me up with my now husband. His ex asked me to a concert with her. I met my husband there. We fell in love that night and planned on getting married the next day. I mentioned that my love who died's birthday was one week apart from mine. His was a week after, my now husbands is the week before.
Anyway I know I'm rambling about that. But the experience of knowing that my boyfriend had died within hours of it happening, and then seeing him in my dreams...that makes me know that there is something beyond this life. I just want to be able to start living the life I have now. I want to feel safe and I want to be able to appreciate everything and everyone I have without worrying about it going away. I want to have "faith."
I guess I'll just keep searching and praying and doing what I believe to do is right and believe that any good God will see that and take care of me.
I get so discouraged because so many times I pray "let me know what to do. I open myself to you. I want to feel your presence. Please help me understand", and I feel like I am not being heard. I don't only pray when I need help, I give thanks as well. I just don't know who or what I'm praying to or if anyone is listening.
So much of my life is consumed by fear. I struggle every single day of my life, worrying about terrible things that can happen. I am very aware of the fact that everyone I love will some day die and we never know when. I become deeply saddened and sometimes almost panicked, overwhelmed by the fact that my children will one day die. Even if it's 90 years from now. The fact I know horrible things will happen to them, painful things, is too much to bare sometimes. Of course I am also worried about all of my other loved ones as well. I have so many terrible scenarios polluting my mind. I want to rid of these thoughts and just have "faith." I'm jealous of people who have the "let go and let God" mentality and really truly have security in doing so.
I belief whole heartedly in the afterlife. Some years ago I was in love with someone who I had planned spending the rest of my life with. He was someone I grew up with a really good friend. We were born exactly one week apart and we're in the same class from k-12. We reconnected after high school. Both had been divorced and had boys the same age. Our first kiss was on April Fools day 2006. One night in March 2007 he was at a Port Call. We had been taking on the phone, and both of us had gone out with friends. At the end of the night I called him and a stranger answered his phone, said they found the phone outside of a fish market and that he must've dropped it. There was blizzard conditions that night where he was. I had a horrible feeling. I didn't hear back from him. In the morning, something about the way the sun beamed through the window I felt like he was dead. I know that sounds crazy but it was true. I called his dad and told him I was worried. Everyone thought I was over reacting. I kept seeing these beams of light, and I can't explain it but I just knew. I contacted the ship. They contacted me back saying he was missing. Over a week went by. Finally, divers found his body in the harbor, confirming what I already knew. My world fell to pieces and. I went into a deep darkness. I still believe that it was foul play, as does his family. Investigators didn't pursue it because they said he had drank an equivalent of 6 beers that night . Well the man was over 200 lbs and could hold his booze. He had custody of his son and I was planning on soon coming to live with them and we were going to have a happy family. We had never had a single argument. It was perfect. Well when April Fools day came along shortly after his funeral, it felt like a sick joke. But something was happening. He was visiting me in my dreams. It was like I was partially awake. My room, everything was the same but he was there. I knew he was dead and I talked to him. I still believe it was him. I know that it was more than just dreams. After a while he quit coming and I would beg for him to come back but soon the dreams of him were just regular dreams and I didn't feel like it was really him. In retrospect i think he wanted me to move on and live my life. In fact, I believe he set me up with my now husband. His ex asked me to a concert with her. I met my husband there. We fell in love that night and planned on getting married the next day. I mentioned that my love who died's birthday was one week apart from mine. His was a week after, my now husbands is the week before.
Anyway I know I'm rambling about that. But the experience of knowing that my boyfriend had died within hours of it happening, and then seeing him in my dreams...that makes me know that there is something beyond this life. I just want to be able to start living the life I have now. I want to feel safe and I want to be able to appreciate everything and everyone I have without worrying about it going away. I want to have "faith."
I guess I'll just keep searching and praying and doing what I believe to do is right and believe that any good God will see that and take care of me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Too far up North
Posts: 284
Up thank you for sharing that. I have a whole lot of guilt right now as to how I've treated my mother and now she's practically fighting for her life. I haven't treated her bad, but I haven't showed her the attention and appreciation that she deserves. I am no good with expressing emotions verbally and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I do say I love you, but usually it's just after it is said to me first or at the end of a conversation. but I should've fought through my awkwardness and made more of an effort. I hope she pulls through so that I can make it up to her and be the daughter she deseves.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 219
You might consider Deism....No man made writings involved. I'm sort of Deist and I also pray although I can't say for certain I know my prayers are heard. But I feel pretty strongly there's more to life than just what we see.
It sounds like you could have some trouble with depression? When I'm depressed I have the same kind of thoughts....Sad people I love may die, worried about all that can go wrong in the world, etc. When I'm happy my thinking is more like, Gosh I'm so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life and feel just plain lucky to be alive.
I hope you find what you are looking for.
It sounds like you could have some trouble with depression? When I'm depressed I have the same kind of thoughts....Sad people I love may die, worried about all that can go wrong in the world, etc. When I'm happy my thinking is more like, Gosh I'm so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life and feel just plain lucky to be alive.
I hope you find what you are looking for.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
then when I least expected it
Originally Posted by Soliloquy
I get so discouraged because so many times I pray "let me know what to do. I open myself to you. I want to feel your presence. Please help me understand"
for we must -- seek God with (all) of our hearts
I think that the problem for most of us is
I (we) want the connection in my (our) timing
I think that God does all if sincerely asked -- but -- in His timing
I remember those days years ago when it looked like I may have cancer
I cried out to God for days on end
then when I least expected it
I knew that God was with me all the way
MM
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: okla
Posts: 6
3rd and 7th step prayer
Say the 3rd and 7 the step prayer for a month twice a day at least. Helped me a lot in early sobriety and today I still pray them. I also try not to make life so complicated. If I have complete faith in my HP I don't have to worry that much . Because I am not in charge anymore.
Last edited by Soonerorl8er; 05-11-2014 at 08:07 AM. Reason: additional thought
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by Soliloquy
I just don't know who or what I'm praying to or if anyone is listening.
From the rest your posts, you seem like you have more spirituality than 95% of the people I've ever met. Maybe a little faith in yourself is in order as well?
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Sol.... Wanting to believe in something more than us is having faith in and of itself.. No? No ones faith is stronger than a want... Or I am sure it would be as much as that mustard seed and I have not seen anyone moving mountains lately.
I consider myself a spiritualist. Someone who loves others and believes that there is an energy and plan at work. I grew up Protestant but have left the definitions of what should and how we should behind in light of making my own energy something I can share and in turn I find joy.
For me I can't say religion is much more than that. Joy at the expense of helping others.
Ken
I consider myself a spiritualist. Someone who loves others and believes that there is an energy and plan at work. I grew up Protestant but have left the definitions of what should and how we should behind in light of making my own energy something I can share and in turn I find joy.
For me I can't say religion is much more than that. Joy at the expense of helping others.
Ken
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