Help please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 29
Help please
Hi,
I've never really spoken about this. I have bought all the books, read so many forums and have so many questions. I have a cocaine addict boyfriend. It's hard to say that without wanting to cry or constantly scream and ask why. He has been an addict for years. We dated when we were kids and I found him again after 10 years of not speaking. We went out on our first date and I noticed he was 3 hours late, very paranoid and cold. I thought it was nerves to be honest. Anywho, we were great for a while. I noticed he never wanted to hangout because he was tired. He always had to go run errands for an hour or so every couple of hours.
One night I guess he really wanted to use that he called me. He always called when he was on it. He started a whole story about things that weren't adding up. It was odd. He confessed to me that he lied about being sober and that infact he was on white. I was hurt, cried for sometime but told him that he could come to me for anything we would work through it.
Now, he breaks promises, never calls, is always upset. Doesn't ever want to leave his room. Everytime I go to spend time with him, he is beyond angry. He says that he wants to be alone to do a line from here to there. He's always mean to me when he is feening.
He said that he doesn't believe that I love or care about him. That's his answer to everything that I'm going to walk away from him. That my kindness is fake because I don't judge what he does. I try to help him take his kind off of it. He makes no effort to change. But he wants my help. He works, pays his bills ect. He's responsible when it comes to all that. My question is his mother said to not give up on him and be patient but they gave up along time ago.
From people that understand this situation better than I ever will, what advice could you give me?
Please? I'm at my final rope.
I've never really spoken about this. I have bought all the books, read so many forums and have so many questions. I have a cocaine addict boyfriend. It's hard to say that without wanting to cry or constantly scream and ask why. He has been an addict for years. We dated when we were kids and I found him again after 10 years of not speaking. We went out on our first date and I noticed he was 3 hours late, very paranoid and cold. I thought it was nerves to be honest. Anywho, we were great for a while. I noticed he never wanted to hangout because he was tired. He always had to go run errands for an hour or so every couple of hours.
One night I guess he really wanted to use that he called me. He always called when he was on it. He started a whole story about things that weren't adding up. It was odd. He confessed to me that he lied about being sober and that infact he was on white. I was hurt, cried for sometime but told him that he could come to me for anything we would work through it.
Now, he breaks promises, never calls, is always upset. Doesn't ever want to leave his room. Everytime I go to spend time with him, he is beyond angry. He says that he wants to be alone to do a line from here to there. He's always mean to me when he is feening.
He said that he doesn't believe that I love or care about him. That's his answer to everything that I'm going to walk away from him. That my kindness is fake because I don't judge what he does. I try to help him take his kind off of it. He makes no effort to change. But he wants my help. He works, pays his bills ect. He's responsible when it comes to all that. My question is his mother said to not give up on him and be patient but they gave up along time ago.
From people that understand this situation better than I ever will, what advice could you give me?
Please? I'm at my final rope.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Why would his mother tell you to stick with him if she gave up? She knew how miserable it was dealing with him, and she just wants you do to do it so she doesn't feel guilty.
Anyway, back to him. You have to decide if this behavior is something you want to live with. If it is, stay with him. If it's not, leave him. But he isn't going to change until he wants to, and it has nothing to do with you. You have to decide what you need out of life, and if he is able to give it to you. And then act on it. Although you don't have to do that all at once, you can take your time.
There are options out there, for you, that don't involve all this hurt and pain.
Anyway, back to him. You have to decide if this behavior is something you want to live with. If it is, stay with him. If it's not, leave him. But he isn't going to change until he wants to, and it has nothing to do with you. You have to decide what you need out of life, and if he is able to give it to you. And then act on it. Although you don't have to do that all at once, you can take your time.
There are options out there, for you, that don't involve all this hurt and pain.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi Steph 0409,
First, let me say welcome to SR. This site saved me from a addict/alcoholic bf. from reading & receiving replies from the great folks in this website, I was able to let go much faster than in the past with relationships.
Second, I wish you peace & strength to treasure & value yourself to want to be in a healthier relationship.
The drugs are a no good scene. You know that babe. It takes all of us our own time to want to walk away from that kind of a mess. All I can say is, realize you're a loving & kind woman who deserves the best. If our love could save our lovers/spouses etc., there wouldn't be a website like this. I do believe we can love them from afar & pray for them to want to be sober & clean but they must seek their own recovery. Stay positive & focus on you my dear. Remember how valuable you are. I wish you all the best & peace. God bless you. Love, Bernadette777
First, let me say welcome to SR. This site saved me from a addict/alcoholic bf. from reading & receiving replies from the great folks in this website, I was able to let go much faster than in the past with relationships.
Second, I wish you peace & strength to treasure & value yourself to want to be in a healthier relationship.
The drugs are a no good scene. You know that babe. It takes all of us our own time to want to walk away from that kind of a mess. All I can say is, realize you're a loving & kind woman who deserves the best. If our love could save our lovers/spouses etc., there wouldn't be a website like this. I do believe we can love them from afar & pray for them to want to be sober & clean but they must seek their own recovery. Stay positive & focus on you my dear. Remember how valuable you are. I wish you all the best & peace. God bless you. Love, Bernadette777
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 29
So he told me he wants my help. He apologized for how he has acted and told me that he doesn't want me to give up on him. He says he's tired of it but can't stop. He told me that he asked himself if he loved me and said he does. From the advice I have received from you guys, I agree. I feel that addict or not, if you love someone you will seek them for help. I say this because I come from a family of addicts. I don't know. Would you go to his house and speak to him? He doesn't have a phone, I call his moms phone and I don't want to constantly bother her although she said it was okay. I feel somewhat upset and guilty.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 29
I feel so comfortable speaking to everyone here. Honestly, your words are so encouraging. I don't speak to my family or friends about this situation.
I have felt very alone and irritable. Insane on how one takes on their habits! I'm trying to detach myself from looking for him. I don't know what keeps me holding on.
God knows how I feel. Like you both said, I deserve the same love I give. I pray and pray everyday that he will live to see love and love himself the way I love him.
I have felt very alone and irritable. Insane on how one takes on their habits! I'm trying to detach myself from looking for him. I don't know what keeps me holding on.
God knows how I feel. Like you both said, I deserve the same love I give. I pray and pray everyday that he will live to see love and love himself the way I love him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi Steph-
You are not alone. We are here. I have learned from the very wise, compassionate & experienced folks here at SR this: if they really want the help, they will seek it. I tried to offer help to my ex Alcoholic/addict boyfriend. He said he wanted help, then he goes out and parties with his boys. Talk is cheap baby. Also, I thought about going to his house...sure,right, and if he's flying high, I could be in danger. I didn't go. i agree with the other posting, i'm paraphrasing here... of "his mother gave up but doesn't want you to because its - her way of handling the guilt." Steph, think, you're talking drugs, drugs, here - coke..... (any kind of drug is bad news- you know that). Please distance yourself so you're not implicated. You don't need to be in a car with him and if he gets pulled over you're in trouble with the law too! HECK NO. Be safe Steph. Take care of you. If you love him, you love him but love shouldn't put you in danger ever or break promises. Think about it. And may God bless & guide you. With Love, Bernadette 777
You are not alone. We are here. I have learned from the very wise, compassionate & experienced folks here at SR this: if they really want the help, they will seek it. I tried to offer help to my ex Alcoholic/addict boyfriend. He said he wanted help, then he goes out and parties with his boys. Talk is cheap baby. Also, I thought about going to his house...sure,right, and if he's flying high, I could be in danger. I didn't go. i agree with the other posting, i'm paraphrasing here... of "his mother gave up but doesn't want you to because its - her way of handling the guilt." Steph, think, you're talking drugs, drugs, here - coke..... (any kind of drug is bad news- you know that). Please distance yourself so you're not implicated. You don't need to be in a car with him and if he gets pulled over you're in trouble with the law too! HECK NO. Be safe Steph. Take care of you. If you love him, you love him but love shouldn't put you in danger ever or break promises. Think about it. And may God bless & guide you. With Love, Bernadette 777
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by steph0409 
So he told me he wants my help. He apologized for how he has acted and told me that he doesn't want me to give up on him. He says he's tired of it but can't stop. He told me that he asked himself if he loved me and said he does. From the advice I have received from you guys, I agree. I feel that addict or not, if you love someone you will seek them for help. I say this because I come from a family of addicts. I don't know. Would you go to his house and speak to him? He doesn't have a phone, I call his moms phone and I don't want to constantly bother her although she said it was okay. I feel somewhat upset and guilty.
My ex talked a lot about how he would change, things would be different, etc. But it was always just that, talk. I have removed myself and my children from that situation. He is still drinking, acting crazy and destroying his life. That's his choice. My choice was to step off the crazy train and build a new life for myself without an active addict in it.
Have you tried naranon or Alanon? Those are great resources to help you. I have gained so much from Alanon meetings.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yeah there really is nothing you can do to help him. Addict's and A's use that lasso around the neck to keep their codies and enablers close by.
No I would not go by his house. No way. Until he decides he wants to help himself it would be better for you to exit this situation. Easier said than done but very possible to do.
No I would not go by his house. No way. Until he decides he wants to help himself it would be better for you to exit this situation. Easier said than done but very possible to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 29
I've been re reading these threads all night. First, I want to say Thank you. I appreciate all of you taking the time out to help me. I don't speak about Luis to anyone. Usually, people are quick to assume the worst in a person. I understand that he is very sucked into it. Like it was said also, if he did care he would do it for himself. I remember the longest he went sober was a week. For nothing because he went right back. I remember laying next to him and hearing him kick and scream in his sleep. I felt helpless. I noticed that I started getting depressed, angry and feeling the lowest I could feel about myself. When he told me I came 2nd because drugs were first, I was shocked. Then again, I re met him this way. I want to regain myself back to laugh be able to smile. I don't have a lot of friends or anything here where I moved to. It feels good to know that I can call you guys new buddies? 
hope that wasn't weird. I'm in church and all I want to do is cry. I feel so weak, I wanted to save someone. But how could I do that if I'm loosing myself? Chances are tomorrow he will call me at work. (Shockingly he is very responsible with work, bills ect) there I will tell him the truth.
I love you but I love me more. I need to walk away from you.
Everything in me is keeping me from crying out my pain.
hope that wasn't weird. I'm in church and all I want to do is cry. I feel so weak, I wanted to save someone. But how could I do that if I'm loosing myself? Chances are tomorrow he will call me at work. (Shockingly he is very responsible with work, bills ect) there I will tell him the truth. I love you but I love me more. I need to walk away from you.
Everything in me is keeping me from crying out my pain.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi steph and ((((hugs)))).
Lesson 1, you are powerless over his addiction! There is nothing you can do to make him better.
Lesson2. There is a saying here that addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages. As he is he is not capable of being in a loving relationship, not even with himself.
It is OK to put your wants and needs first. I know how hard it is to see things as they really are but he has shown you who he really is. It's now up to you to decide what's next.
Your friend,
Lesson 1, you are powerless over his addiction! There is nothing you can do to make him better.
Lesson2. There is a saying here that addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages. As he is he is not capable of being in a loving relationship, not even with himself.
It is OK to put your wants and needs first. I know how hard it is to see things as they really are but he has shown you who he really is. It's now up to you to decide what's next.
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 29
You all have been amazingly patient with me. Thank you for the support. I really really appreciate it. I know that today when I spoke to him, he told me he wasted his whole
check on it. Spend 3 days out. That's almost 500$ if I'm not mistaken. Ridiculously dangerous. He didn't know how to react when he saw me, he kept looking away, told me that I might not believe him but he does love me, and that he doesn't understand how I can be so loving to him.
I sat down next to him, and told him that he needs to get better for himself. I wasn't worried about us but his life. He asked if I believed in god because he didn't anymore. I then explained to him that no matter what higher power, energy or whatever you decide to believe in now has kept you alive until this point. You have purpose and you will see it when you begin to care for yourself.
As I looked at him I saw a handsome young 27 year old man waste away. So sad to watch the person you love kill themselves. What I didn't realize is that the 25 year old speaking about purpose to an addict was loosing her own looking after him.
Which leads me here, day 1 of the hardest steps I have to take.... Detox.
check on it. Spend 3 days out. That's almost 500$ if I'm not mistaken. Ridiculously dangerous. He didn't know how to react when he saw me, he kept looking away, told me that I might not believe him but he does love me, and that he doesn't understand how I can be so loving to him.
I sat down next to him, and told him that he needs to get better for himself. I wasn't worried about us but his life. He asked if I believed in god because he didn't anymore. I then explained to him that no matter what higher power, energy or whatever you decide to believe in now has kept you alive until this point. You have purpose and you will see it when you begin to care for yourself.
As I looked at him I saw a handsome young 27 year old man waste away. So sad to watch the person you love kill themselves. What I didn't realize is that the 25 year old speaking about purpose to an addict was loosing her own looking after him.
Which leads me here, day 1 of the hardest steps I have to take.... Detox.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
You mentioned that you come from a family of addicts, so you are probably wired for codependency. I am not trying to be harsh, just recognizing myself in a situation. I come from an alcoholic soaked home and I always have that "I can fix this" impulse even when it completely flies in the face of logic!
Learning about what codependency is will open your eyes and help you understand your situation. And listening to the fantastic advice you will find here -
Learning about what codependency is will open your eyes and help you understand your situation. And listening to the fantastic advice you will find here -
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 29
I began reading about co dependency, I am going to start going to the meeting to actually meet some of the spouses and other halfs of addicts that said no more! and walked away for themselves. Your not harsh. To be honest, you all are the only ones I speak to about this. I feel lucky to have found a supportive group. Sorry for all the posts. I hope it's not annoying!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi Steph,
Good girl. Well done. Congrats on your first step. you should be very proud of you! i know we are ! remember, we are here for you. You are going to be fine. Let the pain out by crying if you need to. It helps to let it out. Give yourself time to heal. Praying for you! Xo & big huge hugs to you, Bernadette777
Good girl. Well done. Congrats on your first step. you should be very proud of you! i know we are ! remember, we are here for you. You are going to be fine. Let the pain out by crying if you need to. It helps to let it out. Give yourself time to heal. Praying for you! Xo & big huge hugs to you, Bernadette777
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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take care of you.
Originally Posted by steph0409
Hi,
I've never really spoken about this. I have bought all the books, read so many forums and have so many questions. I have a cocaine addict boyfriend. It's hard to say that without wanting to cry or constantly scream and ask why. He has been an addict for years. We dated when we were kids and I found him again after 10 years of not speaking. We went out on our first date and I noticed he was 3 hours late, very paranoid and cold. I thought it was nerves to be honest. Anywho, we were great for a while. I noticed he never wanted to hangout because he was tired. He always had to go run errands for an hour or so every couple of hours.
One night I guess he really wanted to use that he called me. He always called when he was on it. He started a whole story about things that weren't adding up. It was odd. He confessed to me that he lied about being sober and that infact he was on white. I was hurt, cried for sometime but told him that he could come to me for anything we would work through it.
Now, he breaks promises, never calls, is always upset. Doesn't ever want to leave his room. Everytime I go to spend time with him, he is beyond angry. He says that he wants to be alone to do a line from here to there. He's always mean to me when he is feening.
He said that he doesn't believe that I love or care about him. That's his answer to everything that I'm going to walk away from him. That my kindness is fake because I don't judge what he does. I try to help him take his kind off of it. He makes no effort to change. But he wants my help. He works, pays his bills ect. He's responsible when it comes to all that. My question is his mother said to not give up on him and be patient but they gave up along time ago.
From people that understand this situation better than I ever will, what advice could you give me?
Please? I'm at my final rope.
I've never really spoken about this. I have bought all the books, read so many forums and have so many questions. I have a cocaine addict boyfriend. It's hard to say that without wanting to cry or constantly scream and ask why. He has been an addict for years. We dated when we were kids and I found him again after 10 years of not speaking. We went out on our first date and I noticed he was 3 hours late, very paranoid and cold. I thought it was nerves to be honest. Anywho, we were great for a while. I noticed he never wanted to hangout because he was tired. He always had to go run errands for an hour or so every couple of hours.
One night I guess he really wanted to use that he called me. He always called when he was on it. He started a whole story about things that weren't adding up. It was odd. He confessed to me that he lied about being sober and that infact he was on white. I was hurt, cried for sometime but told him that he could come to me for anything we would work through it.
Now, he breaks promises, never calls, is always upset. Doesn't ever want to leave his room. Everytime I go to spend time with him, he is beyond angry. He says that he wants to be alone to do a line from here to there. He's always mean to me when he is feening.
He said that he doesn't believe that I love or care about him. That's his answer to everything that I'm going to walk away from him. That my kindness is fake because I don't judge what he does. I try to help him take his kind off of it. He makes no effort to change. But he wants my help. He works, pays his bills ect. He's responsible when it comes to all that. My question is his mother said to not give up on him and be patient but they gave up along time ago.
From people that understand this situation better than I ever will, what advice could you give me?
Please? I'm at my final rope.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 29
I'm thankful to the help you all are giving me. He really wants sobriety. I feel it. This week I will take his debit card and car to drive back and forth from school. He will now go to work and home only with his brother. I'm pretty excited about this chance at change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 29
It has been a while since I have been on. Updates are I finished school, started taking care of myself i am a doctors assistant, and helped him reach a new level of sobriety.
He was sober for 1 1/2 until he relapsed..
The relapse was worst than expected, he was suffocating and having trouble breathing all night. I hope this shows him that The drugs didn't miss him much.
He was sober for 1 1/2 until he relapsed..
The relapse was worst than expected, he was suffocating and having trouble breathing all night. I hope this shows him that The drugs didn't miss him much.
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