Suppressed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
Suppressed
I don't know where I am going with this thread, but I need to write.
My RAH started back to work this week right out of treatment. Since that day, I feel like we are right back where we started. I have always felt like addiction, work, himself, etc. was always put in front of us (family). But him starting back to work has proved it for me.
See when he got out of treatment, he was so "determined" to provide us with the H and father he should have been all these years. Yeah, I got "that guy" for 6 days. Then back to work and back to the same behaviors, from both of us. Him avoiding and making excuses, and me nagging and asking him if he was using again. Perfect, just what I wanted, the same crap. Blame, blame, blame. And then, today when I was on the phone with him, trying to explain my feelings, HE TAKES A CALL FROM WORK, after he had already been there for 20.5 hrs, right in the middle of my sentence about him choosing work over ALL other. Only to find out he works again tomorrow.
I know, I know. I know I need to worry about me, but this is ABOUT my feelings, but he just argues them and disregards them just like when he was using. I am once again feeling lied to, used, and suppressed. I feel like I could explode. All I want to do is cry and I should totally be passed this.
I have decided, even in his recovery, I don't have a spot in his life, if I do, its like... nowhere near the top. I am going to stop asking for anything from him. Love, respect, compassion, understanding. I give up. I am so sick of being pushed away, I could freaking puke.
Okay, now I am going to get on the phone with one of the girls from al anon, get out my al anon readers and pray to get the 3 C's this my thick skull.
Thanks for letting me write and cry.
A
My RAH started back to work this week right out of treatment. Since that day, I feel like we are right back where we started. I have always felt like addiction, work, himself, etc. was always put in front of us (family). But him starting back to work has proved it for me.
See when he got out of treatment, he was so "determined" to provide us with the H and father he should have been all these years. Yeah, I got "that guy" for 6 days. Then back to work and back to the same behaviors, from both of us. Him avoiding and making excuses, and me nagging and asking him if he was using again. Perfect, just what I wanted, the same crap. Blame, blame, blame. And then, today when I was on the phone with him, trying to explain my feelings, HE TAKES A CALL FROM WORK, after he had already been there for 20.5 hrs, right in the middle of my sentence about him choosing work over ALL other. Only to find out he works again tomorrow.
I know, I know. I know I need to worry about me, but this is ABOUT my feelings, but he just argues them and disregards them just like when he was using. I am once again feeling lied to, used, and suppressed. I feel like I could explode. All I want to do is cry and I should totally be passed this.
I have decided, even in his recovery, I don't have a spot in his life, if I do, its like... nowhere near the top. I am going to stop asking for anything from him. Love, respect, compassion, understanding. I give up. I am so sick of being pushed away, I could freaking puke.
Okay, now I am going to get on the phone with one of the girls from al anon, get out my al anon readers and pray to get the 3 C's this my thick skull.
Thanks for letting me write and cry.
A
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Hey...
First of all, I love that emoticon. I think the look on the guy with the club's face is priceless. God knows I'd like to whack a few people upside the head.
Attempt at humor aside...
It is worth remembering that addiction is a very selfish state of being and those in active addiction have eyes that only look inward. And now your AH is experiencing the very first days of recovery...which is also a very selfish state of being. But the truth is in this case, that's the way it really needs to be.
I feel fo you because I know that when you married him, this isn't what you signed up for. Emotional neglect and the mere knowledge of not being a priority is a difficult thing to sit with under the best of circumstances. I'm glad you're calling one of your friends from Al Anon, though. My hope is she will remind you to put the focus back onto yourself, and you need to let go of your AH during this period of early recovery.
As for how to deal with your feelings, coming here and posting amongst friends is a good way to vent and one I strongly encourage. Keeping a journal may also help you deal with the inevitable ups and downs. It is also good to make friends within Al Anon, provided that you maintain healthy boundaries.
Lastly, at the end of the day, none of what your AH says makes a f**king bit of difference. His actions do. Letting go is what you have to do to regain your sanity, but you also need to remain observant of what you're seeing out of him day to day. I hope it doesn't come to this, but decisions that you may not want to make may be thrust upon you one day. If that day comes, be prepared.
Keep us posted.
PS...I like this one better: :uzi2:
ZoSo
First of all, I love that emoticon. I think the look on the guy with the club's face is priceless. God knows I'd like to whack a few people upside the head.
Attempt at humor aside...
It is worth remembering that addiction is a very selfish state of being and those in active addiction have eyes that only look inward. And now your AH is experiencing the very first days of recovery...which is also a very selfish state of being. But the truth is in this case, that's the way it really needs to be.
I feel fo you because I know that when you married him, this isn't what you signed up for. Emotional neglect and the mere knowledge of not being a priority is a difficult thing to sit with under the best of circumstances. I'm glad you're calling one of your friends from Al Anon, though. My hope is she will remind you to put the focus back onto yourself, and you need to let go of your AH during this period of early recovery.
As for how to deal with your feelings, coming here and posting amongst friends is a good way to vent and one I strongly encourage. Keeping a journal may also help you deal with the inevitable ups and downs. It is also good to make friends within Al Anon, provided that you maintain healthy boundaries.
Lastly, at the end of the day, none of what your AH says makes a f**king bit of difference. His actions do. Letting go is what you have to do to regain your sanity, but you also need to remain observant of what you're seeing out of him day to day. I hope it doesn't come to this, but decisions that you may not want to make may be thrust upon you one day. If that day comes, be prepared.
Keep us posted.
PS...I like this one better: :uzi2:
ZoSo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
LOL, Oh, I am gonna find a good one... Lets see....
Yeah, I am sure I am just super sensitive right now. I need to reconnect with my HP, but I am a little sideways with the right now. I feel left behind. LOL
I do write, I found some stuff from 2007. Crazy that I still feel those same emotions from time to time. Makes me feel like I am not healing, but it give me drive to get better.
And his recovery, I TOTALLY agree. However, work is not recovery. Yeah, it keeps me in the lap of luxury, but I work at the same place and almost bring home the same amount of money he does, but I am not "addicted" to work, nor do I put my family in front of them. I used to, when times were tough and I had my own business, but not now. I remember I go to work for my family, not for the company. I just need to be understood, and maybe not even that, just heard. Like, really be listened to. IDK, your right, I just need to work on me and hopefully we can come together in the long run.
Yeah, I am sure I am just super sensitive right now. I need to reconnect with my HP, but I am a little sideways with the right now. I feel left behind. LOL
I do write, I found some stuff from 2007. Crazy that I still feel those same emotions from time to time. Makes me feel like I am not healing, but it give me drive to get better.
And his recovery, I TOTALLY agree. However, work is not recovery. Yeah, it keeps me in the lap of luxury, but I work at the same place and almost bring home the same amount of money he does, but I am not "addicted" to work, nor do I put my family in front of them. I used to, when times were tough and I had my own business, but not now. I remember I go to work for my family, not for the company. I just need to be understood, and maybe not even that, just heard. Like, really be listened to. IDK, your right, I just need to work on me and hopefully we can come together in the long run.
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