Venting

Old 05-09-2014, 06:31 PM
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Venting

I hope you are all doing ok.

For the past two weeks I have been struggling so much (wrote more on this in another post). It's been hard getting through work without crying. I started smoking cigarettes and it's disgusting. I started cutting myself again and not caring. I bought a bottle of vodka (don't worry, I know I'm not an alcoholic and I know I bought it specifically because of how I've been feeling and it's not ok). I got out of work today and planned on going straight home to burst into tears (after buying Ben & Jerrys peanut butter ice cream). But I passed by the craft store and made myself go in. I ended up buying a kids color by numbers book and colored pencils. I immediately felt better and was proud of myself for doing something not self destructive. I got home, put on some upbeat music and colored for two hours. It was great.

But then I switched over to some more mellow music and the song Come Talk To Me by Bon Iver came on (apparently it's a Peter Gabriel song). It's beautiful and I started sobbing because it reminds me of my XAB. The person in the song is begging for communication from someone else (could be a higher power but I connect it to my ex). It reminded me of all of the Times he was passed out when I got home. Or sobbing and staring into space not talking to me. Or the HORRIBLE time I found him on the couch. It was the night before a court date for getting into a fight with a few neighbour's. He had **** his pants. I got him into the shower. I went to clean up the mess on the couch and went back to check on him. He was standing in the shower, shivering, a mess, and kept saying "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

It was so ******* heartbreaking and I will never ever be able to forget that moment. To see this broken person who once had so much life in him. It kills me. Despite the abuse I endured and the roller coaster ride of being with an alcoholic, I feel so sad for him. I tried SO hard to help him and learned too late that there was nothing I could do.

I have an appointment on Monday afternoon with my DV counselor and then the support group at night. It feels like an eternity waiting for Monday. Mothers Day is Sunday and I'm trying to put on a happy face for my mom and actually try to enjoy the time with her because it's important. I also have an appointment with a therapist in a month which is so far away. I know I will feel better when I can spill all if this on Monday. As ******* hard as it is to feel a million different emotions all at once because I suppressed them for so long, I know it's healthy, it means I'm starting the healing process. But trying to stay in a positive space is so hard when all I want to do is cry in my bed all day.

On a better note, the weather is getting nice!
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Old 05-09-2014, 06:41 PM
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((((meggy))))

I'm so glad you're reaching out and posting for help!!
Reread this past thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...right-now.html

Going through that, is there anything you've tried or been doing that has helped in the past? Are there things that may help that haven't been tried yet? The hotline numbers are usually staffed 24/7, so call them when you need someone to talk to. Especially the self harm ones. Write down the numbers on a piece of paper and keep it with you, put it in your cell phone, and/or write it where you might cut.

The process of healing often drudges up so much of the past. It often needs to be worked out in order to move forward, but so very often requires help in guiding that.

I'm glad you have things lined out for Monday. Are there any meetings close enough to drive to tonight or sometime tomorrow and again on Sunday? Include in your search meetings for DV, Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, self-harm, AA open meetings or anything else that may catch your attention. The idea is to get through the door, be with others who care and be able to sit back and listen for a bit. To get outside our own problems and also pick up something that helps us deal with our own problems.
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Old 05-09-2014, 06:41 PM
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Wow, what a brilliant idea, the color by numbers soothing. Did you know Amazon has some amazing coloring books? Celtic designs, Victorian designs, that sort of thing - for "grown-ups."

I think creativity is always healing.

Sending support and encouragement!

CLMI
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Old 05-09-2014, 06:57 PM
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Meggy,

I remember those times. I'm not a cutter, I'm a drinker, or was. I remember the days that I couldn't wait to go to sleep, but I couldn't sleep, because I was afraid to wake up to another day of the same BS over and over again.

I'm glad that you posted. Lots of people here care about you and love you. I know I do.

Color by numbers, how I remember that and love that. You actually gave me an idea of doing this with you. Thank You.

Just know we are here for you. Always

((((((((hugs))))))))))


It does get better. I swear it does.
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Old 05-09-2014, 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith View Post
((((meggy))))

I'm so glad you're reaching out and posting for help!!
Reread this past thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...right-now.html

Going through that, is there anything you've tried or been doing that has helped in the past? Are there things that may help that haven't been tried yet? The hotline numbers are usually staffed 24/7, so call them when you need someone to talk to. Especially the self harm ones. Write down the numbers on a piece of paper and keep it with you, put it in your cell phone, and/or write it where you might cut.

The process of healing often drudges up so much of the past. It often needs to be worked out in order to move forward, but so very often requires help in guiding that.

I'm glad you have things lined out for Monday. Are there any meetings close enough to drive to tonight or sometime tomorrow and again on Sunday? Include in your search meetings for DV, Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, self-harm, AA open meetings or anything else that may catch your attention. The idea is to get through the door, be with others who care and be able to sit back and listen for a bit. To get outside our own problems and also pick up something that helps us deal with our own problems.
Thank you for your advice, as always

I have been using a crisis text line which is great. I don't feel comfortable talking on the phone because I have roommates right across the hall. I'm going to visit my mom this weekend which will be nice to be around family. Then it will be Monday. I'm going to look at more groups in the area now that I'm more comfortable with them. I need to get myself back to a positive place and find balance.
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Old 05-09-2014, 07:24 PM
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Originally Posted by catlovermi View Post
Wow, what a brilliant idea, the color by numbers soothing. Did you know Amazon has some amazing coloring books? Celtic designs, Victorian designs, that sort of thing - for "grown-ups."

I think creativity is always healing.

Sending support and encouragement!

CLMI
I got the idea from the domestic violence group. If anyone has anxiety, there are some pictures to color. It seriously works and I love pretending to be crafty. I'll definitely check out the adult versions!
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Old 05-09-2014, 07:29 PM
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Originally Posted by meggygoround30 View Post
I got the idea from the domestic violence group. If anyone has anxiety, there are some pictures to color. It seriously works and I love pretending to be crafty. I'll definitely check out the adult versions!
My friend went to an IOP for substance abuse and they used coloring too. She was told that it helped the brain remember happy times from her childhood.
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Old 05-09-2014, 08:23 PM
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Meggy, my heart hurts for you.

Someone i care about usto cut. One of the things she started to do, dont laugh, is knit. She got these hoop knitting things and wow, made great stuff. She made all these svarves and hats and when she was done and through that awful period of her life, donated them to the local shelters. She says combined w counseling it really got her through it. Shes now a very strong person and not afraid to say what shes went through to anyone. For that reason ill proudly tell you that beautiful person, inside and out, is my 14 yr old DD. She has went through alot at a young age and is wise beyond her years. She got through this and you will too.

Much much love my friend. Take good care of you, we are all here, holding your hand.
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Old 05-10-2014, 04:23 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Meggy, my heart hurts for you.

Someone i care about usto cut. One of the things she started to do, dont laugh, is knit. She got these hoop knitting things and wow, made great stuff. She made all these svarves and hats and when she was done and through that awful period of her life, donated them to the local shelters. She says combined w counseling it really got her through it. Shes now a very strong person and not afraid to say what shes went through to anyone. For that reason ill proudly tell you that beautiful person, inside and out, is my 14 yr old DD. She has went through alot at a young age and is wise beyond her years. She got through this and you will too.

Much much love my friend. Take good care of you, we are all here, holding your hand.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm so happy she's doing better. Knitting and donating them to shelters is an amazing idea. I can't knit but I gravitate towards arrd and crafts so I'm going to try to do it more often.
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Old 05-10-2014, 05:09 AM
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Here are some examples of the coloring books:

Celtic Masterpieces

Mosaics

The Victorian House Coloring Book

Art Nouveau Animal Designs

I hope today is a bit better for you!

CLMI
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Old 05-10-2014, 09:57 PM
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She could not knit either but those round hoops are really foul proof!
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