doubledoublewin

I've had my Al-Anon sponsor since October, and she's been pretty helpful so far. She's not a saint, by any means, and engages in behaviors I try to avoid like gossip. Two nights ago I spoke with her about the trial separation I've started with my husband. When my husband got hotel fatigue, I agreed to stay briefly in a hotel while he looks for an apartment. My sponsor was furious that I agreed to leave the house. She "suggested" (although it came across as a command) that I go home, refuse to go to a hotel, and spend the hotel money on a lawyer. I'm actually okay with a short stay in a hotel. It gives me space, it costs only a little bit more than my husband's apartment will eventually cost, and keeps the peace. On an earlier occasion, she "suggested" that I require my 6-year-old son to hold my hand when we walk across a parking lot. Again, this didn't really seem like a suggestion, and I wasn't sure what it had to do with my recovery.
Anyway, I'm considering thanking her for her service and letting her go. What do you think?

honeypig

It seems to me that your sponsor is overstepping her bounds--I believe that in Alanon (and SR, for that matter), we are to offer our own experience and possibly make suggestions, but not to give direct advice and surely NOT to "command" that another person do anything.

Since most of us have some issues w/control, it's not really too tough to believe that someone in Alanon might act this way, is it? But the criteria for picking a sponsor is to find someone where "you want what they have", and I don't know that this is the case w/this particular person for you.

In my opinion? Yes, you'd be within your rights to thank her for her help and then begin looking around for someone who does indeed have a little more of "what you want."

doubledoublewin

Thanks, Honeypig. I think my situation is triggering memories of her own separation and divorce many years ago from a physically and emotionally abusive partner. I think she wants to protect me from what she went through, and is having a hard time letting go and letting God. Now, how do I tell her without making her mad? just kidding. Thanks again for your support!

Mango blast

doubledoublewin, welcome to SR! Stick around and keep posting. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but glad you're here.

Honeypig, thanks for the good advice. I don't have a sponsor yet, but hearing these kind of things help.

iSPAZ

What honeypig said.

MissFixit

Sounds like you two have different communication styles/needs. If you haven't spoken to her yet about it, then maybe talk with her about being uncomfortable with the dialogue style (gossiping, bossiness, talking about non-recovery things). If she is open to changing, then see if she does. If she is not open to changing or doesn't change, then decide if you want a new sponsor and move on from her.

Taking5

The hand-holding for your 6 year old is particularly troubling as this has nothing to do with your A. Zero. If you feel he is old enough to walk with you without hand-holding, that is entirely your call. This "suggestion" sounds more like your A telling you how to parent than it sounds like anything from a sponsor's ES & H.

Hammer

Sounds like it is harmful to BOTH you and the Sponsor twice.

Not only are you getting the "life advice" (is that a kind enough term?) that is neither needed nor sought . . . .

But while doing so, you are being blocked from the real Steps, Program, and Principles that are the object of the exercise.

Dunno how open she is, but maybe copy out some or all of this thread, and talk with her about it. If she is receptive -- there is good hope. If she gets defensive and refuses correction . . . . Not so much.

As you learn to interact with others based on THEIR BEHAVIOR -- not THEIR WORDS (which if they do not match are a whole other problem), this may become rather obvious to you.

Hammer

btw -- we have tended to hand-hold for years. Three kids and all.

Back in happier times before AWtf relapse and all -- we would look like a big "Sound of Music" parade or something because I would do a "walk like a snake" or big slow spin like a "hurricane" while walking with the kids. Did that and the kids would all want to hold on for the fun.

Now it tends to be more like protective custody with the 6 year old -- because he runs everywhere like he is The Flash or something.

Ananda

Ok .. she has helped you some and that's great ... and no one is perfect. I had a sponsor who I relyed on for many things ... but never on certain issues that she struggled with...that's normal. The whole "suggestion" thing can get weird. It can be a wording that means people are telling you what to do and calling it a suggestion. Lots of these things go on. You are the one in the situation and you are the one who will suffer the consequences. I think it's good that you are recognizing that sponsors aren't perfect and that your own experiences and thoughts matter. Looking for a perfect sponsor would be a mistake...we each have our areas where we are not really a good guide. But it isn't all about a "sponsor" develop friendships with people who support you and can help you with other areas. Basically "directive sponsorship" in all it's forms are not ok. Listen to other who have walked the path and use your own experience (allowing that you probably know you don't always see things clearly, but neither do they).

You seem on the right track, but do allow others to be human, and don't have unreasonable expectations of what a "sponsor" can provide.

You'll work thorugh this (hug)

Friend Of Bill

as a sponsor my only responsibility is the guide another alcoholic through the 12 steps as they are laid out in the big book nothing else I'm not supposed to be your banker your nurse relationship expert or marriage counselor...... today they want to hold you hostage being control because they're afraid of losing control they haven't lost selfishness get a new sponsor one who has worked the steps this is a life-and-death errand the middle of page 98 the bottom of 99 top of 100 tells us you need to be God dependent not people dependent you're going to be ok ask yourself are you an alcoholic is life unmanageable are you ready to go to any extreme to change

LemonGirl

I'm with honeypig on this one.... We can offer our own insights from our own experience, but coming across as a command or even a strong suggestion can really put someone off. It's hard for me to do hear all of that here on SR. It puts me off when others do it.

I have never asked for a sponsor, but I'd certainly hope that he/she would help me work the steps...

LexieCat

Just an FYI, this thread is from last year. The OP hasn't posted since August 2014.

firebolt

Aww - damn....saw Hammer in the threat and thought YESSSS HES BACK!