Hi All-long
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Hi All-long
I have been away for several weeks and my husband broke my computer by mistake. 
.
I have missed so many of you and have tried to catch up on posts.
Spring has finally sprung here and I am doing my best at staying positive and doing things for me.
My son is here living with us still (and his GF as well). He has been on suboxone for at least a month now (maybe more) and has been seeing a doctor for it and getting drug tested. He did this all on his own with no coaxing or words from us. It seems to be working well for him. He does have a full time job although he was supposed to be looking for a better paying one and has been lax with this.
My H and I need to sit down and talk about what WE want for ourselves and what time frame to give my son about moving out.
We have definitely seen some improvements in him. He has saved a small amount of money and opened a checking account. We came home last Saturday and he was mowing the lawn. He cleans up after himself and takes our dog out when we are not home (and even late at night when we are).
Small steps. While I am thankful for these, my husband gets mad about things he does, like going to the store to "waste" his money on drinks. Our son asks to borrow my car at times because his is in bad shape. It upsets my husband. It does not bother me as much because I feel there are more important things to worry about. So, in some ways things are going well and others there is still work to be done.
I do not let things bother me so much where my H allows every little detail to bug him. It has only been 10 months since my son went to rehab and only a few since he last relapsed.
I am not sure if my husband's "wants" for my son are realistic. My son has a job and works pretty much full time. Yes, he should be out looking for a better paying job but he isn't and I think my husband feels because he is living at home we are making it easy for him to not have to. At the same time I feel if my H gave my son a time frame for when he is comfortable asking him to move out, it would make him feel better and not stuck with the situation the way it is now. I have asked my H for over a month now to do this and he wont give me an answer. He gets upset over things and complains to me but rarely says anything to my son. He says he doesn't have much to say to him. I know he is very disappointed in him and wishes things were different. I do as well but I also thank God every day he isn't using, has a job and is trying to save money. Am I being too easy on him and not expecting enough or is my H expecting too much? MY H pays for my son's health insurance and I know that really bothers him. He feels my son should be more appreciative and out looking for a FT job with benefits so he doesn't have to pay the $500.00/month from his company for him. At the same time my son has not asked my H to do this. MY husband feels obligated and I think that is what bothers him most.
My H tends to whine and complain a lot about things both my sons do that bother him yet he doesn't say it to them. I admit it is draining to listen to over and over. I tell him he needs to talk to them about it and then he says I am not "with him" on the issues. His issues are not always my issues. I honestly don't care if my son wants to go to the store to pay .99 cents for a cream soda. My days of co-dependency are lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng gone and I want to keep it that way. I don't know...maybe I am missing something here and not understanding things. Will gladly listen to suggestions!
Anyway, that is what I am dealing with.
I hope all you Moms can find some peace this Mother's Day and do something special just for YOU. It's important to take care of ourselves and not always do for others. I think that is a common trait among many of us. Feeling like we have to take care of everyone and all their needs. I am slowly learning I do not have to do it all.
.I have missed so many of you and have tried to catch up on posts.
Spring has finally sprung here and I am doing my best at staying positive and doing things for me.
My son is here living with us still (and his GF as well). He has been on suboxone for at least a month now (maybe more) and has been seeing a doctor for it and getting drug tested. He did this all on his own with no coaxing or words from us. It seems to be working well for him. He does have a full time job although he was supposed to be looking for a better paying one and has been lax with this.
My H and I need to sit down and talk about what WE want for ourselves and what time frame to give my son about moving out.
We have definitely seen some improvements in him. He has saved a small amount of money and opened a checking account. We came home last Saturday and he was mowing the lawn. He cleans up after himself and takes our dog out when we are not home (and even late at night when we are).
Small steps. While I am thankful for these, my husband gets mad about things he does, like going to the store to "waste" his money on drinks. Our son asks to borrow my car at times because his is in bad shape. It upsets my husband. It does not bother me as much because I feel there are more important things to worry about. So, in some ways things are going well and others there is still work to be done.
I do not let things bother me so much where my H allows every little detail to bug him. It has only been 10 months since my son went to rehab and only a few since he last relapsed.
I am not sure if my husband's "wants" for my son are realistic. My son has a job and works pretty much full time. Yes, he should be out looking for a better paying job but he isn't and I think my husband feels because he is living at home we are making it easy for him to not have to. At the same time I feel if my H gave my son a time frame for when he is comfortable asking him to move out, it would make him feel better and not stuck with the situation the way it is now. I have asked my H for over a month now to do this and he wont give me an answer. He gets upset over things and complains to me but rarely says anything to my son. He says he doesn't have much to say to him. I know he is very disappointed in him and wishes things were different. I do as well but I also thank God every day he isn't using, has a job and is trying to save money. Am I being too easy on him and not expecting enough or is my H expecting too much? MY H pays for my son's health insurance and I know that really bothers him. He feels my son should be more appreciative and out looking for a FT job with benefits so he doesn't have to pay the $500.00/month from his company for him. At the same time my son has not asked my H to do this. MY husband feels obligated and I think that is what bothers him most.
My H tends to whine and complain a lot about things both my sons do that bother him yet he doesn't say it to them. I admit it is draining to listen to over and over. I tell him he needs to talk to them about it and then he says I am not "with him" on the issues. His issues are not always my issues. I honestly don't care if my son wants to go to the store to pay .99 cents for a cream soda. My days of co-dependency are lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng gone and I want to keep it that way. I don't know...maybe I am missing something here and not understanding things. Will gladly listen to suggestions!
Anyway, that is what I am dealing with.
I hope all you Moms can find some peace this Mother's Day and do something special just for YOU. It's important to take care of ourselves and not always do for others. I think that is a common trait among many of us. Feeling like we have to take care of everyone and all their needs. I am slowly learning I do not have to do it all.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
It sounds like your doing GREAT, and it also sounds like your son is doing well. Your husband... it sounds like he is a dad who is just wanting more for his son...and f-a-s-t-e-r... better job, less .99 snacks and more savings... sort of growing pains as he is watching his son continue his journey. But Im sorry he cant find a less stressful place of acceptance. My son is only 2 1/2 so I cant give any great parenting advice, but I know communication is really important, and I think its a great idea you suggested in having a sit down with your husband and working up a plan together, maybe that will ease some of his stress. Im so happy your son is doing well in recovery 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hi, Needingabreak! Glad your back up and running here.
Sounds like things are going pretty well, for your son. It must be a relief to see him not using and going forward in a positive direction. Perhaps its baby steps for him too, like it is for us , in difficult times of big changes.
Is your husband going to al-anon ? I would wonder if it might help him to be able to voice his feelings somewhere where he wont be adding stress to you , and he feels ok about his resentments/worries. we all do better when we feel like we are understood. Not that you do not understand him, and support him.
Maybe your hubby could read some stuff here. stickies, etc. I find there is some amazing information, and I was reading through a lot of it yesterday...so much wisdom and experience to help us along.
I wish your son well.. I hope he is getting to meetings, as that could help him a lot. The things he is doing sound hopeful, and that is the best Mothers Day gift ever, isn't it?
hugs,
chicory
Sounds like things are going pretty well, for your son. It must be a relief to see him not using and going forward in a positive direction. Perhaps its baby steps for him too, like it is for us , in difficult times of big changes.
Is your husband going to al-anon ? I would wonder if it might help him to be able to voice his feelings somewhere where he wont be adding stress to you , and he feels ok about his resentments/worries. we all do better when we feel like we are understood. Not that you do not understand him, and support him.
Maybe your hubby could read some stuff here. stickies, etc. I find there is some amazing information, and I was reading through a lot of it yesterday...so much wisdom and experience to help us along.
I wish your son well.. I hope he is getting to meetings, as that could help him a lot. The things he is doing sound hopeful, and that is the best Mothers Day gift ever, isn't it?
hugs,
chicory
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome back, it's good to see you again.
Anytime someone lives with us, whether it is company or family, they begin to get on our nerves after a week or two, it's normal and doesn't mean we love them less, it's just that our life choices may not be the same.
I'm more like your hubby, after a while it would bug me that there was not a "departure" plan and time in place.
It might be good to sit down as a family and discuss this, not as a debate or argument but as a plan making opportunity.
We did that once when a niece and her husband moved in with us to start their lives in the big city...and then they got comfy after several months and made no moves to leave. Our deal was that they didn't pay for food or rent but that they saved their money to start up their own place. When he bought a guitar I knew it was time for "the talk". We gave them a month to find a place and make a plan to move. They both had jobs at this point and had several month's savings. It was hard to do because we liked them a lot but we were not prepared to share our lives with them forever.
My point is, sometimes we need to do what we need to do when those we love are stuck in their ways.
As long as we keep a civilized communication open, these situations don't have to be a fight or upsetting to anyone, they can just be a plan-making discussion. Keeping it from getting heated is the hard part.
Hugs
Anytime someone lives with us, whether it is company or family, they begin to get on our nerves after a week or two, it's normal and doesn't mean we love them less, it's just that our life choices may not be the same.
I'm more like your hubby, after a while it would bug me that there was not a "departure" plan and time in place.
It might be good to sit down as a family and discuss this, not as a debate or argument but as a plan making opportunity.
We did that once when a niece and her husband moved in with us to start their lives in the big city...and then they got comfy after several months and made no moves to leave. Our deal was that they didn't pay for food or rent but that they saved their money to start up their own place. When he bought a guitar I knew it was time for "the talk". We gave them a month to find a place and make a plan to move. They both had jobs at this point and had several month's savings. It was hard to do because we liked them a lot but we were not prepared to share our lives with them forever.
My point is, sometimes we need to do what we need to do when those we love are stuck in their ways.
As long as we keep a civilized communication open, these situations don't have to be a fight or upsetting to anyone, they can just be a plan-making discussion. Keeping it from getting heated is the hard part.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello! It sounds like you are finding some peace, that is a great thing.
I understand your H's frustrations to a degree. I have a 14 y/o DD who I am struggling with right now. She is a great girl, however she knows no value for anything. She has no concept of what we pay out for her just to do the things she does. So there are times when she asks me for one more Gatoraide at the gas station that is $2 versus the one I bought at the store for .70 that I have to say no. It's a learning experience. Does your son realize your H is paying the $500 per month?
It's great that he has a job and is doing so well in his recovery. It sounds like he is making an genuine effort which is a great thing. I second that your H should go to Alanon or some sort of a support group to understand the addict and mostly for support for him and his feelings.
So so glad things are going well. As a mom, I cannot imagine your child using. The mere thought sends chills down my spine, so I truly get why you are letting the little things go, do they really matter?
Encourage your son and your husband. Keep up with your recovery!
So glad you are back!
XXX
I understand your H's frustrations to a degree. I have a 14 y/o DD who I am struggling with right now. She is a great girl, however she knows no value for anything. She has no concept of what we pay out for her just to do the things she does. So there are times when she asks me for one more Gatoraide at the gas station that is $2 versus the one I bought at the store for .70 that I have to say no. It's a learning experience. Does your son realize your H is paying the $500 per month?
It's great that he has a job and is doing so well in his recovery. It sounds like he is making an genuine effort which is a great thing. I second that your H should go to Alanon or some sort of a support group to understand the addict and mostly for support for him and his feelings.
So so glad things are going well. As a mom, I cannot imagine your child using. The mere thought sends chills down my spine, so I truly get why you are letting the little things go, do they really matter?
Encourage your son and your husband. Keep up with your recovery!
So glad you are back!
XXX
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Thank you everyone for your suggestions and support. Myjoey too funny lol
I agree with Ann that having anyone live with you gets annoying after awhile. We do not have the peace and privacy we did when it was just the two of us. Hopeful4, yes my son does know my H pays for his insurance but I think in his mind he feels it is the "business" paying so its not that big a deal. He has thanked my husband on several occasions for keeping him on the insurance.
I think he is very "comfy" as Ann described her niece and husband and does not feel any pressure to run out and do the hard work of finding a better paying job. He talks of wanting one and tells his GF he'd like to go back to school but his dreams do not come to fruition because he doesn't do the work. I think that bothers my husband, seeing our son not try to do better. My son gets comfortable and is happy in his little world of no pressure (who wouldn't be?).
I spoke to my husband this morning and he said it isn't just my son but things at work bothering him as well. I told him if he deals with things instead of allowing them to build up and not address them he may not feel so overwhelmed. I told him despite his saying its not really a big deal that we do need to talk and make a decision on what we are going to do regarding my son's staying here. As Ann said, it does not have to be a fight or in anger. I think my son would like a place of his own he just doesnt have the drive right now to make it happen and I think giving him a date would at least give him ample notice to prepare and maybe get him moving a bit faster in looking for a job. Because he doesn't make a whole lot and is paying for his doctor visit and suboxone, it is harder to save a good chunk and he and his GF buy their own groceries.
He does need to learn to be more careful though and not be as impulsive in his spending. He has debt from at least 5 years that has accumulated that needs to be addressed. He has put in applications in the last 3 months, has heard back once or twice from two companies then nothing. The others he heard nothing. I have wondered if his credit rating it hurting his chances or if it is the job market being so tough. He does not have a record and has good references. I am thankful he is where he is and going to continue to stay positive but not interfere or try to do anything for him like I used to. It feels good not to have the terrible codependent feeling.
I agree with Ann that having anyone live with you gets annoying after awhile. We do not have the peace and privacy we did when it was just the two of us. Hopeful4, yes my son does know my H pays for his insurance but I think in his mind he feels it is the "business" paying so its not that big a deal. He has thanked my husband on several occasions for keeping him on the insurance.
I think he is very "comfy" as Ann described her niece and husband and does not feel any pressure to run out and do the hard work of finding a better paying job. He talks of wanting one and tells his GF he'd like to go back to school but his dreams do not come to fruition because he doesn't do the work. I think that bothers my husband, seeing our son not try to do better. My son gets comfortable and is happy in his little world of no pressure (who wouldn't be?).
I spoke to my husband this morning and he said it isn't just my son but things at work bothering him as well. I told him if he deals with things instead of allowing them to build up and not address them he may not feel so overwhelmed. I told him despite his saying its not really a big deal that we do need to talk and make a decision on what we are going to do regarding my son's staying here. As Ann said, it does not have to be a fight or in anger. I think my son would like a place of his own he just doesnt have the drive right now to make it happen and I think giving him a date would at least give him ample notice to prepare and maybe get him moving a bit faster in looking for a job. Because he doesn't make a whole lot and is paying for his doctor visit and suboxone, it is harder to save a good chunk and he and his GF buy their own groceries.
He does need to learn to be more careful though and not be as impulsive in his spending. He has debt from at least 5 years that has accumulated that needs to be addressed. He has put in applications in the last 3 months, has heard back once or twice from two companies then nothing. The others he heard nothing. I have wondered if his credit rating it hurting his chances or if it is the job market being so tough. He does not have a record and has good references. I am thankful he is where he is and going to continue to stay positive but not interfere or try to do anything for him like I used to. It feels good not to have the terrible codependent feeling.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by needingabreak 
Thank you everyone for your suggestions and support. Myjoey too funny lol
I agree with Ann that having anyone live with you gets annoying after awhile. We do not have the peace and privacy we did when it was just the two of us. Hopeful4, yes my son does know my H pays for his insurance but I think in his mind he feels it is the "business" paying so its not that big a deal. He has thanked my husband on several occasions for keeping him on the insurance.
I think he is very "comfy" as Ann described her niece and husband and does not feel any pressure to run out and do the hard work of finding a better paying job. He talks of wanting one and tells his GF he'd like to go back to school but his dreams do not come to fruition because he doesn't do the work. I think that bothers my husband, seeing our son not try to do better. My son gets comfortable and is happy in his little world of no pressure (who wouldn't be?).
I spoke to my husband this morning and he said it isn't just my son but things at work bothering him as well. I told him if he deals with things instead of allowing them to build up and not address them he may not feel so overwhelmed. I told him despite his saying its not really a big deal that we do need to talk and make a decision on what we are going to do regarding my son's staying here. As Ann said, it does not have to be a fight or in anger. I think my son would like a place of his own he just doesnt have the drive right now to make it happen and I think giving him a date would at least give him ample notice to prepare and maybe get him moving a bit faster in looking for a job. Because he doesn't make a whole lot and is paying for his doctor visit and suboxone, it is harder to save a good chunk and he and his GF buy their own groceries.
He does need to learn to be more careful though and not be as impulsive in his spending. He has debt from at least 5 years that has accumulated that needs to be addressed. He has put in applications in the last 3 months, has heard back once or twice from two companies then nothing. The others he heard nothing. I have wondered if his credit rating it hurting his chances or if it is the job market being so tough. He does not have a record and has good references. I am thankful he is where he is and going to continue to stay positive but not interfere or try to do anything for him like I used to. It feels good not to have the terrible codependent feeling.
I agree with Ann that having anyone live with you gets annoying after awhile. We do not have the peace and privacy we did when it was just the two of us. Hopeful4, yes my son does know my H pays for his insurance but I think in his mind he feels it is the "business" paying so its not that big a deal. He has thanked my husband on several occasions for keeping him on the insurance.
I think he is very "comfy" as Ann described her niece and husband and does not feel any pressure to run out and do the hard work of finding a better paying job. He talks of wanting one and tells his GF he'd like to go back to school but his dreams do not come to fruition because he doesn't do the work. I think that bothers my husband, seeing our son not try to do better. My son gets comfortable and is happy in his little world of no pressure (who wouldn't be?).
I spoke to my husband this morning and he said it isn't just my son but things at work bothering him as well. I told him if he deals with things instead of allowing them to build up and not address them he may not feel so overwhelmed. I told him despite his saying its not really a big deal that we do need to talk and make a decision on what we are going to do regarding my son's staying here. As Ann said, it does not have to be a fight or in anger. I think my son would like a place of his own he just doesnt have the drive right now to make it happen and I think giving him a date would at least give him ample notice to prepare and maybe get him moving a bit faster in looking for a job. Because he doesn't make a whole lot and is paying for his doctor visit and suboxone, it is harder to save a good chunk and he and his GF buy their own groceries.
He does need to learn to be more careful though and not be as impulsive in his spending. He has debt from at least 5 years that has accumulated that needs to be addressed. He has put in applications in the last 3 months, has heard back once or twice from two companies then nothing. The others he heard nothing. I have wondered if his credit rating it hurting his chances or if it is the job market being so tough. He does not have a record and has good references. I am thankful he is where he is and going to continue to stay positive but not interfere or try to do anything for him like I used to. It feels good not to have the terrible codependent feeling.
Hello Needing
. I am living this exact scenario with my husband and son. JJ has been living with us for six months and boy does he have it made! I am finally ready to say "see ya" since he is so complacent. He feels like he is entitled to everything. My husband wants him to do so much more in his life (and I am the biggest codie ever so I am always defending JJ). This is how we are approaching the issue: JJ is starting a new job next week, though it will be several weeks before the first pay check comes in. He is looking at different sober livings that would fit his budget. We have offered to pay for the first month of sober living and he can pay us back in installments . We haven't identified the drop dead date yet, but once he stabilizes with his paycheck, it will be soon thereafter. I understand how your Husband's concerns and venting can take a toll. They sure have on me .
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