Need advice - Im the addict
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,462
Im an alcoholic, 3 days sober (not first time trying, by long shot). There's been some self-destruction in my drinking career. Anyway I have some family members who I feel are not only unsupportive, but sabotage my recovery. One happens to be in AA as well, so is familiar with this process. I honestly think she doesn't want me to get any help. I mean, like , would get angry if someone helped me. Just quit on my own, stop just like that. Of course, AA is ok for her, she needs it. But I'm the kind that can quit on my own. ?? Other family has same mentality.
What is that? I don't understand someone being resentful someone is trying to get help to quit addiction. It, in turn, makes me resentful and I feel like saying, "Oh ok, you don't want me to get any help? I guess I'll just keep drinking!"
I guess in a rosy world we would all get the support we need. Some of us just don't. Wonder if anyone can relate or shed some light on this? Thanks
What is that? I don't understand someone being resentful someone is trying to get help to quit addiction. It, in turn, makes me resentful and I feel like saying, "Oh ok, you don't want me to get any help? I guess I'll just keep drinking!"
I guess in a rosy world we would all get the support we need. Some of us just don't. Wonder if anyone can relate or shed some light on this? Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I have no advice, but I'm sorry you're not receiving the support you're wanting. Congratulations on quitting. I hope you seek out new sources for support in your sobriety. My husband has a family full of alcoholic enablers and one of his biggest hurdles is not relying on his old dysfunctional support system but creating a new network of sober friends.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Originally Posted by Mirage74 
I don't understand someone being resentful someone is trying to get help to quit addiction. It, in turn, makes me resentful and I feel like saying, "Oh ok, you don't want me to get any help? I guess I'll just keep drinking!"
I guess in a rosy world we would all get the support we need. Some of us just don't. Wonder if anyone can relate or shed some light on this? Thanks
I guess in a rosy world we would all get the support we need. Some of us just don't. Wonder if anyone can relate or shed some light on this? Thanks
Get sober for you, regardless of how others treat you, your choices, your recovery.
Then your sobriety will be solid and strong no matter what your family does. I wish you the very best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Originally Posted by Nbgirl
I second what Stung says... My husbands family is the same way...if, IF he were to ever get help I feel his mother would be the biggest hurdle to getting and staying sober bc she wouldn't have anyone to take care of. In reality she doesn't want him to grow up and face reality bc she'd be blamed for a lot of things. I feel that maybe you're dealing with the same thing....always remember people have their own agendas. You focus on staying sober and getting support. Whoever follows and supports you is a friend and worth your time. Everyone else? Not so much.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 127
Hi Mirage!
I'm not really experienced at all but maybe your family are codies? Well done for wanting to be sober though and I hope you do it. I know you can
This forum is a great place for support and advice. I have received so much wisdom from people who have been or in a similar situation to mine where we love someone who is dependent on alcohol.
All in all, you should get sober for you and seek help wherever and whenever you want. When sobering up, your only focus should be you. You are trying to overcome a massive addiction and it takes so much work. If you look around, you'll find so much support waiting. It's a damn shame that you feel your family are not supporting you though, but you must get past that and continue on your road to recovery. And when you are sober, you can turn round and show them how great you did, and what you'll go to achieve. Just see as a barrier that you need to overcome. And I know you will
I'm not really experienced at all but maybe your family are codies? Well done for wanting to be sober though and I hope you do it. I know you can
This forum is a great place for support and advice. I have received so much wisdom from people who have been or in a similar situation to mine where we love someone who is dependent on alcohol.
All in all, you should get sober for you and seek help wherever and whenever you want. When sobering up, your only focus should be you. You are trying to overcome a massive addiction and it takes so much work. If you look around, you'll find so much support waiting. It's a damn shame that you feel your family are not supporting you though, but you must get past that and continue on your road to recovery. And when you are sober, you can turn round and show them how great you did, and what you'll go to achieve. Just see as a barrier that you need to overcome. And I know you will
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,462
Great response Nbgirl. That helped a lot.
I don't expect them to get perfect, I'll always have issues with them. But couldn't they get out of the way while I get help?!
I think Nbgirl is right. My getting help means some blame might finally come down on them. They'll do anything to avoid that
I don't expect them to get perfect, I'll always have issues with them. But couldn't they get out of the way while I get help?!
I think Nbgirl is right. My getting help means some blame might finally come down on them. They'll do anything to avoid that
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Sick people attract sick people. Healthy people attract healthy people. And of course, misery loves company. Pick your support network very wisely.
Also, one of the most important things I think have learned in my own codependency recovery is".....
It's none of my business what other people think of me.
It's is so true and so freeing. Good luck and congratulations of seeking your own recovery.
Also, one of the most important things I think have learned in my own codependency recovery is".....
It's none of my business what other people think of me.
It's is so true and so freeing. Good luck and congratulations of seeking your own recovery.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
You may discover something that many of *us* have . . .
It is Always All About the A. So What?
So IF they view themselves as the Greater A . . . It would HAVE to be Always All About them.
Just do what *we* do. We go get help ANYWAY.
No car? We walk.
No money? We just smile and wave as the basket passes by.
Kids? We take them along and/or find Alateen.
Family Disapproves? Go Anyway.
Cannot Read or Blind? (no joke) This stuff is online, recorded, and the meetings make accommodations.
But it is YOUR Recovery, So it will be YOUR Work and YOUR Challenges.
Look, if Getting Better was EASY -- Everyone would be doing it.
Truth is, few are.
Here is what you will likely find . . . .
YOUR Recovery is About YOU.
==============
Might just be time for the Mo T Poem . . . .
Mother Teresa's Anyway Poem
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
It is Always All About the A. So What?
So IF they view themselves as the Greater A . . . It would HAVE to be Always All About them.
Just do what *we* do. We go get help ANYWAY.
No car? We walk.
No money? We just smile and wave as the basket passes by.
Kids? We take them along and/or find Alateen.
Family Disapproves? Go Anyway.
Cannot Read or Blind? (no joke) This stuff is online, recorded, and the meetings make accommodations.
But it is YOUR Recovery, So it will be YOUR Work and YOUR Challenges.
Look, if Getting Better was EASY -- Everyone would be doing it.
Truth is, few are.
Here is what you will likely find . . . .
YOUR Recovery is About YOU.
==============
Might just be time for the Mo T Poem . . . .
Mother Teresa's Anyway Poem
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
If you decide to recover, which is great, don't let any person stand in your way. Make it perfectly clear to them and anyone else in your path that you have your mind set on this and are going to do this, with or without them.
Ultimately you will have the support system you need if you associate with the people who do support you and in AA.
Good Luck to you!
Ultimately you will have the support system you need if you associate with the people who do support you and in AA.
Good Luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
it is not in anyone elses job description to help you get sober and into recovery.
if you WANT sobriety and recovery, YOU will get it. it does not depend on anyone but yourself.
no one else can pad the way for you with cotton and clover. no one else can have a negative effect on your efforts unless you CHOOSE that they can have that power.
time to not blame anyone else for your addiction or your sobriety and recovery......this belongs to you and you only......no one else.
best to you in your journey
if you WANT sobriety and recovery, YOU will get it. it does not depend on anyone but yourself.
no one else can pad the way for you with cotton and clover. no one else can have a negative effect on your efforts unless you CHOOSE that they can have that power.
time to not blame anyone else for your addiction or your sobriety and recovery......this belongs to you and you only......no one else.
best to you in your journey
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, Mirage--glad you found SR, and I hope you've also found the "Newcomers to Recovery" and "Alcoholism" sections of the forum. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope shared here.
Regarding your questions about those who do not support your recovery, I'd like to re-post something that was originally posted to a thread of mine last summer. I find the imagery strong and beautiful and hope you find some inspiration in it also:
Ya wanna know the SECRET to whether someone is serious about recovery or not? When they stop TALKING and start DOING. When they abandon the alcoholic oath:
I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It will NEVER happen AGAIN
Talk is just squawk....noise to diffuse and disturb....
We live on a lake and have ospreys and eagles that come 'round. When they are on the hunt, there is NO doubt about their intentions...they hover above, they swoop and swirl and then DIVE after their prey. It is magnificent and silent. They have a purpose and have no NEED to announce their plan. They are unconcerned with the world around them....for the eagle there is always the attendant "murder" of crows, dive bombing, harassing, relentless...they are honed in on their goal.
Recovery is the osprey, tucking its wing in close to its body, a missile now, a projectile diving in a straight line towards the water, seeing beneath the surface to the fish.
Wishing you strength and clarity, Mirage.
Regarding your questions about those who do not support your recovery, I'd like to re-post something that was originally posted to a thread of mine last summer. I find the imagery strong and beautiful and hope you find some inspiration in it also:
Ya wanna know the SECRET to whether someone is serious about recovery or not? When they stop TALKING and start DOING. When they abandon the alcoholic oath:
I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It will NEVER happen AGAIN
Talk is just squawk....noise to diffuse and disturb....
We live on a lake and have ospreys and eagles that come 'round. When they are on the hunt, there is NO doubt about their intentions...they hover above, they swoop and swirl and then DIVE after their prey. It is magnificent and silent. They have a purpose and have no NEED to announce their plan. They are unconcerned with the world around them....for the eagle there is always the attendant "murder" of crows, dive bombing, harassing, relentless...they are honed in on their goal.
Recovery is the osprey, tucking its wing in close to its body, a missile now, a projectile diving in a straight line towards the water, seeing beneath the surface to the fish.
Wishing you strength and clarity, Mirage.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: FtW, Tx
Posts: 198
She may just be protecting her turf or afraid that some of the stories she has told or tells you will hear. Find a different group to make your own. Do not deny yourself the support you need and deserve because some person that may or may not have YOUR best interest in mind is creating some resistance. I can tell you from my experience if you continue to follow the current course things will eventually fall apart. Hope you find the support you need. Hats off for looking!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Congrats on your sobriety! I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need.
If I may point something out that's glaring at me:
This is not your first trip to the rodeo, and based on your own words, you have had a difficult time finding sobriety -- but say you know what to do and don't need any help figuring it out, even by someone who has been there and done that. Maybe she's not being supportive -- it wouldn't be the first time a family member sabotaged a newly sober alcoholic.
If I may, I'm going to gently suggest that if you are struggling with long-term sobriety you don't have it all figured out.
We learn here that "terminal uniqueness" is one of the traits of alcoholics and their enablers. She needs AA, but you don't? If you say so. You're different than all those other alcoholics? Maybe so. But probably not.
Personal Exceptionalism in Recovery | Alcohol Rehab
****************
EDITED: I read your other parallel thread and see my interpretation of what you were saying above was incorrect. Sorry about that!
It sounds like she's being territorial, and I imagine she is concerned about poor boundaries and/or jeopardizing her own sobriety. I'd ask for her help and consideration about your participation, but otherwise participate to your heart's content, whether or not she likes it. This is for you, man.
If I may point something out that's glaring at me:
Im an alcoholic, 3 days sober (not first time trying, by long shot)...
...Of course, AA is ok for her, she needs it. But I'm the kind that can quit on my own.
...Of course, AA is ok for her, she needs it. But I'm the kind that can quit on my own.
If I may, I'm going to gently suggest that if you are struggling with long-term sobriety you don't have it all figured out.
We learn here that "terminal uniqueness" is one of the traits of alcoholics and their enablers. She needs AA, but you don't? If you say so. You're different than all those other alcoholics? Maybe so. But probably not.
Personal Exceptionalism in Recovery | Alcohol Rehab
****************
EDITED: I read your other parallel thread and see my interpretation of what you were saying above was incorrect. Sorry about that!
It sounds like she's being territorial, and I imagine she is concerned about poor boundaries and/or jeopardizing her own sobriety. I'd ask for her help and consideration about your participation, but otherwise participate to your heart's content, whether or not she likes it. This is for you, man.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,462
Thanks for the reply Florence. I was actually being sarcastic, I agree with you. I feel she and the rest of my family think I don't need AA.
Oh, but she thinks she does
IOW, she's a worse alcoholic than me or something ( in her own mind).
I think you hit the nail on the head about terminal uniqueness. I would like to give AA another shot. Sorry for the confusion 👍
Oh, but she thinks she does
IOW, she's a worse alcoholic than me or something ( in her own mind). I think you hit the nail on the head about terminal uniqueness. I would like to give AA another shot. Sorry for the confusion 👍
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
