Brenda1427

I am lost as to how to help my daughter and her finace. Finace is addicted to painkillers. Spent 14 moths in prison and now out for less than 2 months and using again. What do we do? My daughter is an emotional mess. She just texted me and said "she is ruining everything" If he is using, how come she feels as if she is ruining everything?

chicory

Welcome Brenda. glad you are here. I am sorry you are going through this. I hope your daughter is safe, and that she is giving second thoughts to marrying someone with such a problem.

I would encourage you to read the stickies at the beginning of this forum (family and friends of substance abusers). there is a lot of good information, and it can help you.

I wish I could say that there is a quick solution. I would encourage your daughter to consider her level of safety here. We cannot fix the addict- but we can learn how to make the best choices for ourselves, so we don't enable the addict, or sit in the front seat as they drive the crazy mobile.

stick around here... there are lots of people who have stuff to share, and who know what you are going through. support is important. we are always here!

my best to you

Brenda1427

Thank you for the helpful post and I have sat this morning and read the stickies. Many were very helpful. I think both my daughter and I right now are trying to figure out where the line is on enabling and offering support and love. I hear and read the word boundaries a lot. I am thinking we offer up as many support and recovery groups and words of encouragement. But I am wondering if right now boundaries comes for my daughter especially with her own personal emotional space. She needs to live her days or herself and not in a constant state of preoccupation as to where he is and what he is doing or observing for signs of use. I have told her if he is going to use, he will use and it will be apparent. Her biggest fear is that he will overdose. This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through

hopeful4

Hello and Welcome!

I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

When one is not an addict, such as you or I, or your daughter, we don't understand. How can one go and use again? Your brain will never wrap around that, and that's OK. What you do have to know, as does your daughter, is that loving an addict will take you hostage. Marrying an addict will keep you hostage. Procreating with an addict creates more hostages. See what I am saying here?

He needs a support system with a sponsor that he can talk to. Someone who understands what his brain is telling him, use, use, use. Your daughter's mind does not work that way, so you cannot relate. Now she is saying what am I doing wrong that I cannot cure this? It is because the addict has to want it, badly, for themselves, and be willing to work recovery every single day, for the rest of their lives.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is the reality. You will hear this a lot, you did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it.

I hope you and your daughter go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or get some sort of face to face support from people who can relate to this issue.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Brenda1427

My daughter did go to Celebrate Recovery last night. She and fiancé go to the big group then he goes to his specific group. For the past 4 times she has waited or him or went to the art therapy room(she is a beautiful artist and loves to de stress this way) She has avoided the Co dependency group but went last night. She came home very upset. Most likely because it challenged some areas she has been denying. She and fiancé had long talk (yet another one!) where he confessed recent use that she had suspected. I was proud of her boundaries she set up with him,but at the same time saddened that she accepted more lies. He said last time he used was on Saturday. I sat by him at her college grad ceremony on wed night and he could barely keep his head up. He said he was just really tired and she bought the story. I am wondering if deep down she doesn't though. There is no doubt in my mind he was high. I hate this and I am starting to truly "hate" this young man for what he is doing to my daughter and her dreams.

hopeful4

Yes, my X who's drug of choice is alcohol mixed with Rx Xanax, usto lie like a dog. I think I believed it because I knew if I did not that meant creating consequences that I was not ready to follow through on. It happened over and over. I am glad she went to CR and went to the codependency group. I think I cried for the first 6-7 times I went. Bawled like a baby. However, it was one of the keys to my becoming strong enough to pull myself out of denial and be strong enough to see that is not what I want in my life, that I, and my children, deserve so much more. The chaos, anxiety, and fear that is caused by living with an addict is very very hard to deal with. It only gets worse over time.

She cannot control his actions, but she can definitely control her own reactions.

XXX

Brenda1427

So the big question is when do you just leave the relationship?

MamaCas

Brenda...I have been where you are. My daughter's ex-fiancé has been in rehab since 4/23/14 due to an addiction to pain meds. It has been a hard learning process and I see the many mistakes I made. The best and hardest thing she did was to set some very firm boundaries and stick to them. They have a nine month old baby boy so she hasn't had a clean break.

From my experience, the best thing you can do is encourage your daughter to take care of herself. It's hard to not concern yourselves with every detail of the addicts life but once you let go of all the "investigating" it will make all the difference. Believe me...I could probably get a job with the FBI at this point!!!

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

hopeful4

LOL at MaMaCas....I think we would all be the best bunch of investigators ever! We should suggest that for anyone on our forum here needing employment!!!!

Brenda, I hope you and your daughter find peace. It's great that you are supporting her, she needs you!

XXX

Brenda1427

Mamacas, what kind of boundaries did she set?

MamaCas

Most of the boundaries have to do with their son. Initially her "boundaries" were more like her list of demands She asked him to (of course) stay sober, go to outpatient rehab, make a budget and contribute financially, attend church. That didn't work. There's so much more that happened but eventually they broke up and in the end he was not allowed in our home or to be alone with their son. He was seeing him for an hour on Saturday mornings. He left for rehab and has been writing letters...she has not responded. One thing he recently told her was he wouldn't be in rehab today if it weren't for the way she handled things.

Things got pretty bad and there was a point where I thought my daughter would not recover emotionally. Being in a relationship with someone in active addiction is impossible and will drive you nuts! My advice? Let him go and pray for his recovery. If he gets well and they get back together that's great but don't allow your daughter to think she can save him. She can't. Like I've read on here a thousand times...if love were enough there'd be no addicts.

inpieces314

BUT, support whatever choice she makes. You don't have to agree with her, but she is going to need your support at some point. PLEASE don't tell her you told her so, he is an idiot for doing this to her, anything like that. It will make her angry. And a codependent with nowhere to turn is not a good person to be.

She will eventually make the right decision for her, although it may take a while. Give her time, let her learn, listen to her when she needs someone to talk to.

MamaCas

Great points, Inpieces!! I never said I told you so to my daughter but I thought it a few times! I probably hurt her more by getting too involved with his whereabouts and trying to fight her battles for her. Like I said, I made A LOT of mistakes !!

Brenda1427

Supporting her and being honest when she may not want to hear honesty is where I am right now. She is so fearful that if she just walks away that he might die. Her biggest fear is overdose. We just drive by the restaurant he works to check he was truly there. The only good thing is that we had a nice chat while in the car. She found out today that his drug if choice has been heroin.

inpieces314

I only say that because I am having my own issues with my mother right now.

She said to me once, about having an ABF, I never wanted this for you.

I have stayed with him anyway, even when we were not speaking, even when I was detaching, but she never knew. And when he died, she said a whole bunch of crap I will not repeat.

And now I will not speak to her. I can't. I can't handle it. She may have thought she was doing the best but she doesn't know, she was not privy to our relationship. And beating him down now is not doing anything for me. And telling me I need to get over it is not doing anything for me.

I guess my brother told her I don't need to hear this right now because she called last night and tried to make amends. But it's too late. Although in retrospect, we never had a good relationship to start with, this doesn't make it any different. But at a time when I actually needed her to care, she doesn't. And it doesn't surprise me, but it sucks. I don't want to see anyone else go through that.