owly

Anyone else out here cry/fall apart/ don't even know how to handle it when someone offers you genuine kindness or compassion, especially if it seems to happen in a motherly/fatherly vein?

I almost don't know how to deal when someone offers me motherly affection. It feels so nice that I just want to cry. Probably because I never really got that unconditional love from my mom?

I get so emotional about that stuff and then I feel silly.

Aellyce

Hi owly, I was quite like that in my childhood and youth, before my mid-30's. Not only never seeking help and support, but had real difficulties accepting it when offered freely without asking.

For me this was something quite deeply rooted in my childhood experiences and my relationship with my mother, I believe. Not that I never received affection from her, actually it was more the opposite and I often felt she was intrusive, but later realized she had many emotional problems herself and just did not transmit the affection in the right way, I guess I sensed it wasn't right even as a young kid and isolated myself from it.

What really helped me out of this was when I developed close intimate relationships (especially one of these made a huge difference for me), let my guards down, and the boundaries disappear. Ever since these kinds of friendships and personal relationships have been the ones that I value best and seek out. I really recommend that to you to turn over your problem. We need to learn how to be vulnerable because that is necessary for being able to seek and accept nurturing connections with others, as well as for ourselves to be caring and compassionate.

owly

Thanks for sharing those thoughts. I think my issue isn't so much that I can't accept help. While I could probably still improve in that area, I think I do ok at accepting help and often it's a relief to have somebody else pitch in. The part where I feel overwhelmed is when someone occasionally just offers me nurturing, motherly type affection. I get all emotional. It feels niceto have someone on care about me that way but I always end up wanting to cry. Maybe I'm just mourning the nurturing I didn't get from my own mom.

Aellyce

Hi again, owly. Maybe this will be more relevant to you. I read through your previous thread now, which I did not do yesterday before responding.

I sure am an alcoholic myself (over 3 months into recovery), and both lineages of my family have seen lots of mental health problems. No wonder I've had a number of these myself. I also read that you and your brother discussed not cultivating your inheritance further. I relate to this. One of my reasons (out of quite a few, some more selfish) why I decided to not have kids already as a teen. With my present knowledge about mental health problems and with my current life experience, I'm not sure this is actually the best way to deal with it, but how I had dealt anyway (plus, a great part of this decision of mine was more personal fear).

I also read that you see a therapist, which is a great thing. Have you received satisfactory help for this particular issue through therapy?

Yeahgr8 had a good suggestion about getting into some sort of program or group therapy treatment, for you to meet other people who are dealing with similar issues in real time.

Disregarding my own alcohol and other mental health problems (I had eating disorders in my youth as well), I also have this insecurity accepting "motherly love" from women. I think you are on the right track with your reasoning about it. My mom (with whom I could never really connect) passed away several years ago, unfortunately before I got to a stage in my own life when I more seriously addressed my childhood issues and relationship with parents.

I went to a few AA meeting recently, and honestly, the ONLY uncomfortable experience in these meetings for me came from interacting with those kinds of older women that approached me in a motherly sort of way. I don't have emotional breakdowns in response at all, my way is more a sort of freezing reaction and then cutting the conversation short, followed by gravitating (escaping) towards people who talk to me in a more emotionally neutral (if there is such a thing), rational way. The code of my life, really.

These AA meeting encounters just conformed it. And before even starting to go to meetings, I KNEW this would be a problem for me. It does not tend to cause remarkable problems for me in general in my life, because I always find people I feel compatible with and have a good chemistry with. It is, however, a clear and undeniable repetitive pattern in my life. I'm hoping to address some of it when I get to therapy, see what happens?

Here is one thing that I've found so far. There ARE exceptions to my "rule". I met a few (really only a few few!) older ladies in my life, at various places and stages, with whom I felt 100% comfortable and actually quite drawn to them. And they absolutely had that motherly (maybe grandmotherly? I had no relationship with any of my grandmothers) attitudes. Not sure what the difference is with these particular ladies. I want to try to examine a bit since one of them lives in my current apartment building. Each time I see her, we have a pleasant little conversation and I like her a lot.

These are the things I wanted to share...

I also recommend NOT detaching yourself completely from your mom (then you might have my kind of experience). Perhaps just well enough to not be affected negatively, but maybe call her or visit one a month or with some regularity, and set a time interval to the interaction?

NWGRITS

I can't help but feel like a complete fraud when someone shows a kindness or genuine compassion towards me. When I had to stop working early with my last baby, we took a big financial hit. The church members took up a collection for us so that we could buy food for our family. I cried out of gratitude, but I felt like a thief. It was a legitimate time of need, but compassion and help are for normal people. Good people. Not me.