FreeOwl

So somewhere around the hundred-thirty-somethingth day here and last night I'm cooking up a steak on the grill and sauteeing some mushrooms.

There I am, happy and satisfied with my evening and my water and the aroma of the baby portabellos and BAM!!!!

"Geeze... these mushrooms would be sooo good marinated in some merlot. Hmm... cooking this meal for my Lady would be nice.... geeze, I'd sure like to be able to cook this meal for my Lady and enjoy a nice merlot with her. Why the hell CAN'T I do that? I mean, come ON. REALLY?? I can't even have a couple glasses of merlot and cook a nice steak and marinated mushrooms with my Lady. That sucks. What the hell. Really? I have to go my whole life without an effing glass of merlot? How will I show my kids that it's possible to have a healthy relationship with alcohol if I don't EVER drink? What the hell? So are they going to go crazy with booze becuase they see their Dad can't handle it and it's something to be feared so they will get to high school or college and just go nuts and become alcoholics????"


Really? What the hell indeed, AV. Can't you just leave me alone and let me enjoy my steak and mushrooms and the refreshing, nourishing crisp clear goodness of water?

Thanks for listening. Rant over.

Thepatman

That inner conversation, I have it also!! Freakin AV, it just sits there waiting and then BAM!

Hope the Steak and mushrooms was good

FreeOwl

it was super tasty!!

Nonsensical

Your AV was just acting out because it was hoping for bacon.

FreeOwl

LOL!!

I do love bacon.....

soberclover

The messages do come out of thin air don't they?!

lunar

Bingo
A similar AV attack happened to me on Easter Sunday.
Ashamed to say, I succumbed to it.
Cooking for family, saw the wine, before I realized what was happening,
downed a glass. And another and another and another.
This all after 5 sober, beautiful weeks to the day.
That AV got me. Because I let it. It is very cunning and merciless in getting its way.
The good thing to become of my failing was that I joined SR shortly thereafter.
I've had too many failures and comebacks to keep up with the insanity of it all.
Congratulations to you for being strong!

FreeOwl

thanks... the challenge is staying strong consistently... and it's a little frustrating having these bouts emerge from nowhere like that.

Sometimes I find it a little discouraging that those moments happen, and feel a certain sadness both at the fact they happen at all, and at the sense of loss.

I recognize that I really DO feel a pang of desire; that I could enjoy a nice merlot with my Lady. And then I have to remind myself that sure, maybe I could. But would I really truly enjoy it? Would it REALLY be the romantic thing I envision? And why... why would I really want to have booze in the way of just enjoying her presence and our togetherness? And oh, by the way, don't I know where that would lead over time?

Tiring stuff, but I'm grateful that as I worked through those questions and reminders, the thoughts of it all passed and I felt good just enjoying my steak, mushrooms and water.

Nonsensical

Many times in the past I have set out to prove that I could have just one. And I can. I didn't find it enjoyable in the least. The whole time my AV is suggesting I could drink more and not have it be like last time.

The next day is even worse. You were good yesterday, reward yourself today.

There was absolutely no point to it. Not drinking at all is so much easier.