I Smell A Fire
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I Smell A Fire
Hubs was dumped by his sponsor last night. He said he's not taking it personally and then he said "I was doing everything he asked me to do, I don't know what his problem is" which tells me he IS taking it personally.
He's been doing much more at work and I think he's really struggling to find balance with work, meetings, sponsor time, therapy and spending time with us. If it was up to him he would spend ALL of his time with us, but thank God he can't because he would drive me insane. I actually think he's spending too much time with us and it's causing some of his backsliding. I feel like he's trying really hard to please me lately and it's making me feel like I"m walking on eggshells. "Do you want something, can I do something for you, are you feeling okay?" Stop constantly being up on my side of the street! I keep waiting for him to say he can't do XYZ because he needs to go to a meeting or meditate or phone a friend or whatever but he never does. He won't take care of himself and instead wants to try to take care of me.
I know things aren't supposed to be "perfect" and that even the best of couples have arguments but talking to him lately has been exhausting and it's making my spidey senses tingle with everything else that is happening with him too. I feel like he's headed towards another relapse if he doesn't get his life under control and I can't do anything about it because it's not my problem but he is also supposed to move back in here in a couple weeks… with his current attitude shift I don't want to allow him back. Blerg.
Eventually this life stuff does get easier, right?
He's been doing much more at work and I think he's really struggling to find balance with work, meetings, sponsor time, therapy and spending time with us. If it was up to him he would spend ALL of his time with us, but thank God he can't because he would drive me insane. I actually think he's spending too much time with us and it's causing some of his backsliding. I feel like he's trying really hard to please me lately and it's making me feel like I"m walking on eggshells. "Do you want something, can I do something for you, are you feeling okay?" Stop constantly being up on my side of the street! I keep waiting for him to say he can't do XYZ because he needs to go to a meeting or meditate or phone a friend or whatever but he never does. He won't take care of himself and instead wants to try to take care of me.
I know things aren't supposed to be "perfect" and that even the best of couples have arguments but talking to him lately has been exhausting and it's making my spidey senses tingle with everything else that is happening with him too. I feel like he's headed towards another relapse if he doesn't get his life under control and I can't do anything about it because it's not my problem but he is also supposed to move back in here in a couple weeks… with his current attitude shift I don't want to allow him back. Blerg.
Eventually this life stuff does get easier, right?
Hubs was dumped by his sponsor last night. He said he's not taking it personally and then he said "I was doing everything he asked me to do, I don't know what his problem is" which tells me he IS taking it personally.
If it was up to him he would spend ALL of his time with us, but thank God he can't because he would drive me insane. I actually think he's spending too much time with us and it's causing some of his backsliding.
He won't take care of himself and instead wants to try to take care of me.
it's making my spidey senses tingle with everything else that is happening with him too. I feel like he's headed towards another relapse if he doesn't get his life under control and I can't do anything about it because it's not my problem but he is also supposed to move back in here in a couple weeks… with his current attitude shift I don't want to allow him back. Blerg.
Eventually this life stuff does get easier, right?
If it was up to him he would spend ALL of his time with us, but thank God he can't because he would drive me insane. I actually think he's spending too much time with us and it's causing some of his backsliding.
He won't take care of himself and instead wants to try to take care of me.
it's making my spidey senses tingle with everything else that is happening with him too. I feel like he's headed towards another relapse if he doesn't get his life under control and I can't do anything about it because it's not my problem but he is also supposed to move back in here in a couple weeks… with his current attitude shift I don't want to allow him back. Blerg.
Eventually this life stuff does get easier, right?
Not good that he wont take care of himself. My exA was the same way. Would much rather spend time with me and do fun stuff than any responsible self care stuff. I was the one who gained space by going back to school. He got lonely (?) and found someone else. Never did take care of himself.
Can he renew lease if you are not ready to have him move back? Does he think that he can quit the self help once things have returned to normal (he moves back in)?
Life is harder than it looks. Easier without an A.
XO
I am sorry Stung. It sounds like he has some codependency issues going on right now! I hear we codies are miserable to be around at times, LOL!
What reason did his sponsor give, if any? That is a shame, had they formed a close bond?
I know at CR we really preach to the sponsors that it is something to take seriously and if something changes in their own lives they can feel free to change the sponsorship situation. We don't want sponsors that are feeling obligated that they HAVE to do it. It does not make a good sponsor and is not good for the person they are being a sponsor to.
I think you have great points about this. Have you guys talked about your concerns?
Hugs to you. I am sorry it's so hard.
What reason did his sponsor give, if any? That is a shame, had they formed a close bond?
I know at CR we really preach to the sponsors that it is something to take seriously and if something changes in their own lives they can feel free to change the sponsorship situation. We don't want sponsors that are feeling obligated that they HAVE to do it. It does not make a good sponsor and is not good for the person they are being a sponsor to.
I think you have great points about this. Have you guys talked about your concerns?
Hugs to you. I am sorry it's so hard.
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Yes, he has our family friend in mind and wants to ask him to sponsor him. He's the one that took hubs under his wing after I told his wife what a hot mess our marriage was. I told hubs this morning that I hoped the family friend would accept today and hubs then told me that he'll probably be too busy with work to call. Okie dokie. Last night he also told me that his ex sponsor suggested that hubs be sponsor less for a while. Again, not my side of the street but he needs to help himself because no one is going to do it for him.
He is not taking care of himself emotionally but he is majorly focused on his diet and now exercising too. He's dropped 35 pounds in the last 3 months. He has absolutely no idea how to balance his life and when his feels out of control he tries to tell me how to live. It's seriously getting old. This morning he critized me for the house being too cluttered. I made him appologize after he tried to defend his BS. If he doesn't like the clutter then he doesn't need to be in my home or gee, he could offer to help.
He can renew his lease. He does not NEED to move back in, although I do wonder if it will make him feel less like he needs to be here all the time if he can tell himself that he lives here.
He is not taking care of himself emotionally but he is majorly focused on his diet and now exercising too. He's dropped 35 pounds in the last 3 months. He has absolutely no idea how to balance his life and when his feels out of control he tries to tell me how to live. It's seriously getting old. This morning he critized me for the house being too cluttered. I made him appologize after he tried to defend his BS. If he doesn't like the clutter then he doesn't need to be in my home or gee, he could offer to help.
He can renew his lease. He does not NEED to move back in, although I do wonder if it will make him feel less like he needs to be here all the time if he can tell himself that he lives here.
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maybe is he having some emotions or fears about being a good husband and making up for lost time because the move back in date is close? Maybe he is future tripping? Getting unbalanced with the focus on you and family living instead of recovery? Maybe a revisit of the move back in date conversation in order? The quitting the drink is the easy part...the emotional sobriety is much harder and most important for true recovery... Good luck.
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I think his sponsor said that he just wasn't contacting him enough. He's sponsoring 1 or 2 other guys too, which made my husband jealous when he found out a couple months ago. But his sponsor also wanted hubs to go do confession and my husband was grappling with how to tell him no since my husband has pretty much renounced organized religion right now. He was a cradle catholic and I think he's feeling a lot of resentment about the church and his own guilt.
I know it's not the same, but when you brought up maybe he feels he has to be here more b/c he does not live here is just the thing. It reminded me of something my daughter (14) said to me last night.
She said, "Wow, we spend tons more time w/Dad now that he does not live here than we did when he did live here, it's not necessarily a great thing, all the time." It was a different context of conversation in a way, but in a way not. I think my XAH is trying to make up for lost time w/the girls. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. Definitely a work in progress.
I think you have a right to tell him your anxieties about this before he moves back in.
I hope it all works out for the best!
She said, "Wow, we spend tons more time w/Dad now that he does not live here than we did when he did live here, it's not necessarily a great thing, all the time." It was a different context of conversation in a way, but in a way not. I think my XAH is trying to make up for lost time w/the girls. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. Definitely a work in progress.
I think you have a right to tell him your anxieties about this before he moves back in.
I hope it all works out for the best!
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maybe is he having some emotions or fears about being a good husband and making up for lost time because the move back in date is close? Maybe he is future tripping? Getting unbalanced with the focus on you and family living instead of recovery? Maybe a revisit of the move back in date conversation in order?
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Sounds like he would be a better fit with a different sponsor anyways...AA does NOT push religion of any kind...only that you give your will to a power greater than yourself.
If the prob comtinues...He needs to deal with set backs and to be honest woth himself...you cant make him drink. Shareing your concerns is being honest...when the time is right. Getting them sober books talks about the dangers of letting them back too soon.
If the prob comtinues...He needs to deal with set backs and to be honest woth himself...you cant make him drink. Shareing your concerns is being honest...when the time is right. Getting them sober books talks about the dangers of letting them back too soon.
I often see the same old pattern! I did it and I read it here too often. As soon as they are coming home or we allow them to come home, their recovery starts to slack or becomes non existent.
I am not saying this is the case but just thought I would share the pattern of behaviors I have experienced and consistently read about. Trust your instincts, they are never wrong.
I am not saying this is the case but just thought I would share the pattern of behaviors I have experienced and consistently read about. Trust your instincts, they are never wrong.
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I think his sponsor said that he just wasn't contacting him enough. He's sponsoring 1 or 2 other guys too, which made my husband jealous when he found out a couple months ago. But his sponsor also wanted hubs to go do confession and my husband was grappling with how to tell him no since my husband has pretty much renounced organized religion right now. He was a cradle catholic and I think he's feeling a lot of resentment about the church and his own guilt.
I can understand why you'd be wary. No advice, just hugs. I'm sorry, Stung.
I too think he would be better suited to a different sponsor. I have never ever heard of a sponsor trying to get someone to go to confession. Now, if he is working steps and is on step 4 of the inventory, that would be a different story. I hope the other guy accepts and works out for him!
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The big book step 5 ... Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
http://www.aa.org/twelveandtwelve/en_pdfs/en_step5.pdf
The 12&12 is more in depth than the Big Book as the steps are explained.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf. Big book chapter 5 "how it works" explains the steps.
http://www.aa.org/twelveandtwelve/en_pdfs/en_step5.pdf
The 12&12 is more in depth than the Big Book as the steps are explained.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf. Big book chapter 5 "how it works" explains the steps.
I often see the same old pattern! I did it and I read it here too often. As soon as they are coming home or we allow them to come home, their recovery starts to slack or becomes non existent.
I am not saying this is the case but just thought I would share the pattern of behaviors I have experienced and consistently read about. Trust your instincts, they are never wrong.
I am not saying this is the case but just thought I would share the pattern of behaviors I have experienced and consistently read about. Trust your instincts, they are never wrong.
I know for a while even I was guilty of waiting for things to just "be normal again" & kept thinking that if all the characters were in the right places & the scene was reset sans alcohol, we would just go back to being who/what we were before it all came crashing down. It took me a long time to accept that we were redefining "normal" all over again & that none of my expectations were realistic or achievable no matter how much time passed.
Maybe he thinks that by moving "back in" things will somehow revert "back to normal" instead of realizing that this is just another step in a long chain of steps for you as a couple. IMO this is where the rubber meets the road, especially following a separation - putting your active recoveries to work on a daily basis as a married couple raising kids in the same house. You are right to be cautious Stung, you know there's still a lot of hard work ahead of you both.
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The big book step 5 ... Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
http://www.aa.org/twelveandtwelve/en_pdfs/en_step5.pdf
The 12&12 is more in depth than the Big Book as the steps are explained.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf. Big book chapter 5 "how it works" explains the steps.
http://www.aa.org/twelveandtwelve/en_pdfs/en_step5.pdf
The 12&12 is more in depth than the Big Book as the steps are explained.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf. Big book chapter 5 "how it works" explains the steps.
Stung...one more thought. I don' know, so I am just spit balling, here.....
It occurs to me that the central point here could possibly be the motivation for him to get into treatment. I wonder if he did it for himself of his free decision making...or if he felt the pressure to preserve his family status. We hear, all the time from the AA side---for recovery to be authentic--the A has to want it themselves more than anything.
I just wonder if he is, yet, at the point of wanting recovery for himself?
dandylion
It occurs to me that the central point here could possibly be the motivation for him to get into treatment. I wonder if he did it for himself of his free decision making...or if he felt the pressure to preserve his family status. We hear, all the time from the AA side---for recovery to be authentic--the A has to want it themselves more than anything.
I just wonder if he is, yet, at the point of wanting recovery for himself?
dandylion
Some red flags here.
Whatever he thinks, I hope you're sticking with the plan. When in doubt, DON'T.
My STBXAH could stay sober for awhile, but when the "pink cloud" started to fade, his complaints and criticisms peaked, and he started making up a bunch of reasons why he didn't need to dig into the program. He stopped going to meetings, started talking about how important it was to spend time at home. He started focusing on me and my shortcomings. His sponsors dumped him, he quit counseling. Then he would relapse. We did this over and over. I excused it because I thought it was part of the process and that regular couples have problems too.
I mean, they do, but not like this. For most people, addiction would be a dealbreaker.
Anyway, if it were me, I'd hold off investigating the fire, running at the fire, or putting out the fire. It's his fire. You need to figure out whether he's capable of taking care of his business without you distracting him or telling him what to do, lest he burn your house down.
Good luck, girl. This was the hardest part for me.
He does not NEED to move back in, although I do wonder if it will make him feel less like he needs to be here all the time if he can tell himself that he lives here.
My STBXAH could stay sober for awhile, but when the "pink cloud" started to fade, his complaints and criticisms peaked, and he started making up a bunch of reasons why he didn't need to dig into the program. He stopped going to meetings, started talking about how important it was to spend time at home. He started focusing on me and my shortcomings. His sponsors dumped him, he quit counseling. Then he would relapse. We did this over and over. I excused it because I thought it was part of the process and that regular couples have problems too.
I mean, they do, but not like this. For most people, addiction would be a dealbreaker.
Anyway, if it were me, I'd hold off investigating the fire, running at the fire, or putting out the fire. It's his fire. You need to figure out whether he's capable of taking care of his business without you distracting him or telling him what to do, lest he burn your house down.
Good luck, girl. This was the hardest part for me.
Dropped by sponsor and is now criticizing your house keeping, another common deflection. I see red flags based on my experience. I was too neat, lol.
Confession? I doubt the truth of that unless your husband purposed it and didn't follow through with it, as well as other commitments.
I saw my husband switch sponsors a couple of times. Looking back, he just didn't want to do the hard work, Sobriety was not his priority and eventually relapsed.
Confession? I doubt the truth of that unless your husband purposed it and didn't follow through with it, as well as other commitments.
I saw my husband switch sponsors a couple of times. Looking back, he just didn't want to do the hard work, Sobriety was not his priority and eventually relapsed.
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