JamesB

This is my first post. I am new to this site and started AA in January. I have learned a lot from my new community, but must admit that these past 4 months have been the most challenging of my life. Sober now since end of December, I now see the reality of what is my life - a mess in short. The drinking has stopped, but not destructive behavior patterns that hurt my family and me ultimately. At least I now see these patterns for what they are, and am starting to work on fixing them.

I vacillate between a feeling of new enlightenment and then back to "I'm just fooling myself I can get better," with the later being awfully tempting to indulge in when I repeat bad patterns of behavior. I feel I am making some progress, but it feels like slogging through mud - slow and tough.

Can I assume this is normal - this vacillation specifically?

Thanks for any comments.

Ruby2

Hi and welcome to SR. I quit back in November so I'm about where you are. I vascillate too but that is normal from what I've experienced. I had ten and a half months until relapsing last August so I've been down the road before.

If you are in AA then I will share something that we discussed last night at my meeting. Page 164 last full paragraph ends with "surely you will meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny." I noticed last night and smiled to myself that it didn't say "skip and frolic on the road of happy destiny" so there is recognition that in many ways sobriety, or the early phases which we are in, feel like slogging slowly through the mud. I feel like I'm going nowhere sometimes but then that is just the old me talking. If I look objectively I can see I have made progress but it sometimes feels so slow. I always hate when people tell me it takes time. But, I know deep down they are right. Can you feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel? That is what keeps me going.

Nice to hear from you and again, welcome.

JamesB

Thank you, Ruby2, for responding. It's helpful.

Berrybean

I know what you mean - but just think of how much energy it takes to regain control of a runaway trolley. You grab; your arms feel pulled out of their sockets; you're forced by the momentum initially to carry on in the direction of the runaway trolley just while you slow it down enough to steer it away to a safer, calmer, happier direction.

Maybe you and I are still in that stage where there is some force in the momentum, and it's a struggle. It won't last forever though. We can soon regain control and choose a happier direction. And it isn't really a choice. The only other option is to leave ourselves hurtling towards a destructive end for us and all those who care about us.

Four months is a great achievement. You can do it. One day at a time.

Mags1

Hi JamesB welcome to sr

Eddiebuckle

Quitting drinking is truly just the beginning - alcohol is only one form of escape or maladaptive coping. When alcohol no longer exists as the go to solution for tough situations, it makes our other flaws pretty obvious because we are conscious and sober.

Rome wasn't built in a day, and our personalities and habits don't change overnight. Recognizing the destructive behaviors is the first step - we can't change what we don't know. I found that most of my destructive behaviors were subconscious attempts to short cut or avoid situations I feared. Some of this stuff is truly beyond the scope of AA or sponsors and are best dealt with a therapist. I saw a psychiatrist for the first 18 months of my sobriety and got a tremendous amount of benefit from it. I was resistant to the idea at first (totally out of fear), but was so glad I went anyway.

Keep at it - this sober life is absolutely worth the work it took to get here. Here's a quote from page 83, 100% true in my experience (I have four and a half years now):

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

PurpleKnight

Great stuff James!! Welcome to SR!!

Treerat66

Hi JamesB, welcome to SR

least

Welcome to the site. You'll find a lot of support here. I got sober over four years ago and it's the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Fishescircle

Hi, JamesB, only posted for the first time yesterday myself, 3rd day sober, I have gotten such support and good advice, I hope you stay. Good Luck.

Dee74

Hi and welcome James

I had zero confidence in myself, or in my ability to get sober and stay that way...but I trusted the folks here who said it was possible

they were right

If you're tripping over the concept of forever try thinking of it this way...all any of us can do is stay sober today...24 hours sounded a lot more achievable to me than forever.

Then you back up again the next day...and the next...and pretty soon forever is no longer a concept...it's real...and you're doing it

D

LBrain

Welcome JamesB. You reminded me it was James Brown birthday this past weekend. And it made me think of this song for you. PAYBACK. Time to turn the tables on addiction! Do it right and take control of your life. It's PAYBACK time. Enjoy!

James Brown Payback - YouTube

LBrain

Yeah, I'm nuts. But I'm not drinking.

sugarbear1

The definition of "trudge" means to walk with a purpose......

Congrats on 4 months! Have you worked those 12 steps?

JamesB

Thanks to everyone for your encouragement. To sugarbear1, I recently took the step of getting a sponsor ( a great guy) and have started in earnest in the steps. I also attend a men's therapy group that has 2 AA members, one who truly returned from addiction hell, and encouraged me (very strongly) to commit to the program and get a sponsor. His mantra is "don't think about it - just do it and listen to your sponsor. Guys like us try to think their way through this - and it doesn't work. I don't know why, but the program works."


I have so much respect for the AA veterans I've met. It's so hard for me to ask for and accept help if any kind. It's that blasted ego thing trying to take control.

One day and one step (even if a baby step) at a time. I can handle this.

Thanks all.
JamesB

GracieLou

If I said it once I said it a dozen times, “I have no idea what I am doing”, I was assured that I did.

There were times I said “there is no way I am actually doing this”, I was assured I was.

It felt like a dream. It was not a dream for me and it is not one for you. You are getting sober. It is hard but it is so worth it and I know you have heard it a thousand times already but…It does get better, it does get easier.

Hang in there. The best is yet to come!

I had no idea I could live a clean and sober life AND be happy. It is right around the corner. Keep on the path. It is a journey, not a race.