dutchsyrupguy

Hi all. I am 6 weeks and 2 days sober today. I have been aware that I have a drinking problem for over a decade (I am in my 30's now) but would find many reasons to put off dealing with the issue. I am married now and have a family. I finally decided to stop drinking altogether when I had too much to drink (again) and had to be carried/dragged to bed, I fell a few times, breaking things and was verbally abusive to my wife. Understandably she was furious and very upset with me. I resolved to stop drinking then and have done so so far. She likes drinking and would prefer it if I could have some and then stop, but I have explained that this is not possible and me having "a beer" is as good as me having 10 beers and a bottle of vodka, as that is where it will end up, so she understands this and supports me. I have told family and friends that I am giving up drinking, but I haven't "come out" as an alcoholic and have am not really keen on revealing the extent of my problems beyond my wife. Will this be a problem in quest for a drink free life? I have done a bit of reading of forums like this, the AA book and other sober living literature and being honest with everyone seems to be a pretty consistent theme I don't want to "come out" but I would rather that than go back to drinking.

I hope this makes sense!

Dee74

Hi and welcome Dutchsyrupguy

I think our closest loved ones deserve to know, but outside that, it's strictly up to you.

I'm all for honesty but I really don't think my alcoholism is anyone else's business.

That being said, you need to commit to not drinking.

Drinking a beer put down in front of you is not going to do you any good.

'No thanks I don't drink' works pretty good for me.

D

dutchsyrupguy

I am committed, for sure.

I am just saying I have given up as I was/am sick of drinking too much & getting hangovers. Though this leads to people just trying to persuade me to "just have one", but that's to be expected. I live in a very boozy country.

Thanks for the reply

Eddiebuckle

Hi Dutch,

Yes, Honesty is one of the two principles behind the first step. Dee's point is right IMO - you don't need to tattoo it on your forehead to be honest about your drinking. I think the second principle is the harder, and the one that trips people up: acceptance.

I spent a long time knowing I was an alcoholic, but drank anyway. I was honest... but it didn't mean a thing.

Once I accepted that my alcoholism was not temporary, not static (it will get worse if you keep drinking, trust me), and stopped the internal resistance to my alcoholism and what it required me to do, I started to make headway. Acceptance is without judgment. When you can accept your alcoholism with the same attitude that you accept the color of your eyes, doing what needs to be done becomes much easier and the changes will accelerate.

Recovery is an inside job, and most people are not capable of long term sobriety working solo. I suggest you reach out and use the tools that others with long term sobriety have used. And most of all: congratulations. Had I gotten only what I wanted when I threw in the towel, I would have sold myself incredibly short.

dutchsyrupguy

Thanks for the reply Eddie and for the congratulations I am finding abstinence OK at the moment, I was not an every day drinker but would drink to blackout at least once a week so I didn't have the physical withdrawal to deal with. I just need to stop having the first one, forever. :|

And sorry but I don't understand your last sentence Could you elaborate please?

Eddiebuckle

Dutch,

That last sentence was a little out of left field, and probably should have been better elaborated: I started my sobriety convinced that if only I could quit drinking my life would be fine. If I somehow had the ability to get only what I wanted in this journey, I would have sold myself short.

In working my recovery I came to understand the extent to which alcohol was really just a symptom of a bigger issue: my unwillingness to deal with reality. I began to learn acceptance of self, forgiveness of others, how to live without fear, and to recognize as broken as the world is at times - it's an incredible gift to be alive. I hid from so much through maladaptive behaviors it's almost embarrassing to admit.

At the age of forty eight, I am engaged to be married for the first time to a woman I have no reservation saying "till death do us part." I am happy in my career without being obsessed with status and financial gain. I like who I am, I am at peace.

And to think that all I really hoped for (and didn't expect to pull off) was to quit drinking, and if I was really lucky I wouldn't spend the rest of my days pissed off that I couldn't drink.

I don't mean to imply that you are a wreck... I only hope that you can find your own version of this story in your journey. Good luck!

ReadyAtLast

For me, it is my business. I'm 17 months sober and have never told anyone I'm an alcoholic. I just tell people I don't drink anymore. You don't have to declare all your personal business to the world in order to accept it yourself and not telling everyone doesn't make you dishonest in any way.

As long as you know you have a problem,are honest with yourself and are dealing with it then that is all that matters. Do what is best for you.

MariahGayle

For me, it was helpful to share that part about me with certain people, especially those that are part of my life....It surprised me at how understanding & supportive people are & helps me to not feel I'm hiding a big dark secret like I did for along time. Glad you are here

EternalNow

The book says "we shared in a general way....". To me this means I am honest but appropriate, specially with those acquaintances that do not need to know the details.

choublak

Well if you share at AA meetings, you're sharing with people who understand where you're coming from. On the other hand, sharing with friends/acquaintances who don't really understand alcoholism, can turn into a session of "Alcoholism 101" where you're trying to "teach" people who probably won't get it anyway.

Taking5

AA talks about honesty mainly in the context of the 4th and 5th steps. There is nothing in AA that says you have to "out" yourself as an alcoholic. Quite the opposite, in fact, as a big part of "anonymous" is to protect the members from the judgment that society will often place on us for being an alcoholic.

Johnston

Welcome. I came out as an alcoholic to my family and close friends first. For everyone else I was just a non-drinker.

GracieLou

I would not have told anyone. I told my mother only because she lives with me and I told my friend up the street only because we talked often and I got tired of him guessing where I had been going almost every time I talked to him. I was going to AA meetings. The last guess put me over the edge and I told him. He thought I had joined a gym..lol

Other than those two I did not tell anyone.

I figured it was my personal business.

It did not stay that way long as my mother told just about every one of her friends, several of our relatives, both of my children, a childhood friend of my son's and my ex-husband.

If you want it to stay between you and your wife then I suggest you do that and express to her that you wish it to stay that way.

I see no reason to tell anyone else.

LadyinBC

The only people that know I am an alcoholic is my daughter, my family and a few close friends. I have never told any of the people I use to work with and most certainly will not tell anyone that I currently work with. Personally, I think that sort of stuff should be kept out of the workplace.

In my opinion the only person you have to "come out" to is you and your wife. Beyond that, it is really no one business. You don't owe anyone outside of that an explanation why you aren't drinking and you certainly don't have to tell everyone that you are an alcoholic. Just my opinion.

DoubleDragons

I have never called myself an alcoholic anywhere but here on SR. I am going on 8 months sober. Everything I was worried about (people judging me, etc.) just hasn't happened. If anything, I feel people admire people who don't drink, especially when you reach middle age. It is just the healthier way to go, for anyone, alcoholic or not!

joyfullysober

Its ironic that when you are a heavy drinker people don't think you have a problem, but as soon as you say you are a recovering alcoholic they do think you have a problem. I would keep the label to myself.

soberlicious

No label is necessary to live a happy, successful, drink free life.

Call it what you want...or don't. You had a problem, recognized it, and are dealing with it. That's awesome.

All of our challenges in life don't need to be shared. It is a myth that you must talk about it or disclose it in order to solve it.

I have been a non-drinker for many years now, and it is really a non-issue with everyone.

Seanfox

I don't think you can put it better than this.