He is getting sober and I am not sure I still LOVE him

Old 05-06-2014, 05:16 PM
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Angry He is getting sober and I am not sure I still LOVE him

We got married 15 years ago and alcohol was an issue even before we got married. Throughout the years, I got mad, yelled, screamed, cried, begged, done nothing and everything to get him to control it. The last 8 years have been the worst of them all. The night we brought our daughter home from the hospital was a turning point where I realized this isn't fair but nothing I can do. I was exhausted, depressed, weepy, the baby wasn't sleeping and instead of helping me, he was drunk playing poker online.

Since that time we have gone through numerous episodes of trying to control the drinking. Not drinking during the week. No drinking before 5 on the weekend. Only setting aside a certain number to drink and nothing ever stuck. While he is not abusive, there were many times that I walked on eggshells or hoped the girls wouldn't fight to set him off. He would spend most weekends edgy and drinking. Plenty of times I witnessed our daughter talking to him and he was too much in 'the zone' to even pay attention. He wouldn't hardly want to do things with me and the girls because secretly (he didn't admit it till now) it would cut into his drinking time.

We have had multiple times over the years that I threatened to leave and once I even kicked him out for getting mad and calling me a ***** in front of my girls (unjustified). I mistakenly left him back that next day and he came home, propped his feet up and cracked open a beer. Learned nothing. That was about 3 or 4 years ago. This past year has been the worst of all. I had a major talk with him in December and basically told him that if he doesn't control his drinking, work on his possessiveness, insecurities and work with me to be more emotionally connected in our marriage, that I was done. A month later, I was still waiting on him to finalize a counseling appt. After many more talks between then and now and me pleading and nothing changing, I woke up one Monday to find that he drank 16-18 beers that Sunday. I basically told him I wanted him to leave.

He said that he knows he has a problem and needs help. He did get evaluated at a local treatment facility and will start intensive outpatient treatment in two weeks.

My problem is that I am very angry at all the broken promises and hurt over the last 8 years that I don't know if I am in LOVE with him the way a woman should be with her husband. Just tonight I asked him again to leave for a 3 week period and we could re-evaluate. Why do I feel so bad and guilty when he didn't care that I begged and pleaded over the last years not only to control the drinking but to also go to marriage counseling with me - he always complained so we stopped going. What if it's too late to get things back together. I will feel awful but I don't want to settle for a husband that is not supportive, understanding, emotionally involved any longer.

Sorry this is so long.
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Old 05-06-2014, 05:29 PM
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((((HUGS))))

Welcome to SR, asm. So many of us understand what you are going through. It's so hard because you went through hell for so many years and it's supposed to be all fine and everything if they decide to get help for their addiction. Sorry, but real life just isn't like that. You suffered for a long time and you are entitled to your feelings.

You have the right to take some time to decide what it is you truly want. Perhaps, in time, if he continues his recovery programs and gets help for the root cause of his addiction, the two of you can find a way to make things work. But, there is no guarantee, and you shouldn't feel guilty. Sometimes, by the time they wake up and start to try, it's just too late.
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Old 05-06-2014, 05:31 PM
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I know exactly how you feel.

I am willing to bet you do still love him, but you are (understandably) hurt.

I swore up and down to the ABF that I hated him, never wanted to see him again, etc. etc. etc. at the end because I was just so sick of the BS. I was hurt, I was tired, I was done. Really, I was.

Now, looking back, I did still love him, very much (which I bet he knew, which is why he would never just leave me alone, no matter what I did to get rid of him).

Trust me, you still love him. Let him do whatever he has to do and work on yourself. Forget about him for a little bit-and he is going to be involved with himself anyway in early recovery (as he should be). But you need to be involved with yourself too, to get rid of that hurt that he caused you. Or else it will never go away, and all you will feel is resentment.
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Old 05-06-2014, 07:02 PM
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It's Ok to not make a decision about how you feel today or tomorrow. Time will reveal more.

Have you thought about a therapist for you and/or Alanon? I had a great therapist that helped understand what abuse was. Walking on eggshells or name calling isn't ok and is considered abuse.

This is a link to a post that is now a sticky at the top of this page. There is lots of great information there as well.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html
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Old 05-06-2014, 08:34 PM
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First u have to ask yourself what do i really want? Being an alcoholic myself for 20 plus years, i was always trying to slowdown or taper off my alcohol. I too made deals saying i would only drink on occasion, or i will only have a few. Well after years of legal issues, broken promises, and a family that today is barely staying together because of my ******** episodes. I ask my self the same question about my wife.... But in a different way. After all these years how can someone of her purity, still love someone like me? This is a question i use to ask everyday. Till i went into a 30 inpatient rehab. There i learned to love myself, and try to forgive myself for the pain i caused my family. Then i could allow someone else to love me. So ask yourself... Can i let his past issues completely go? And be honest, don't worry about feeling bad or hurting him. He doesn't and i didn't feel bad eather. If you have a hint of hesitation towards the idea of forgiving him and moving on don't waste your life on it. You will have to completely forgive him. After he has years of sobriety under has belt. You have to remember us alcoholics wire our family's to feel sorry for us. So u will enable us. Feeling sorry or bad is enabling us. So stop! You didn't or don't deserve that burden. This addiction of our is only ours to own. Not yours.
His drinking in my opinion sounds more of a bigger issue than an iop program can give him. I feel inpatient allows both parties to separate and do some soul searching on their own. A lot of inpatient programs offer family week to give the significant other a blast into our alcoholic minds. This helps you understand why we do what we do. If you can talk him into it i suggest he go to inpatient. And if you do chose to stay get involved in Al-Anon. You need support and a program to work thru to rewire yourself. I hope this helps. Sorry if i am to strait forward, i just saw my wife almost die because of my addiction.
So ask yourself again.... Not if you love him but do u love you and your children.
Thanks
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Old 05-07-2014, 02:11 AM
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Originally Posted by asm505
He said that he knows he has a problem and needs help. He did get evaluated at a local treatment facility and will start intensive outpatient treatment in two weeks.
This sounds like he plans to quit drinking, not that he actually has. So has he quit drinking yet, or not? If he hasn't quit drinking he is not "getting sober". Statements like this, if they are never acted on, can go on for years. I think you may have taken a little leap of faith in the title to your post.
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Old 05-07-2014, 03:12 AM
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I agree with Taking 5...

Stopping drinking is easy! Promising to stop drinking is even easier and A's promise the moon when backed into a corner.

What you are looking for is a man who is trustworthy, connected, invested, loving and has your relationship with you and your kids as his number one priority. That is impossible if he is drinking so sobriety is the cornerstone of that possibility.

However, sobriety is just not drinking and recovery is learning how to live and thrive sober and find true joy, peace and purpose and meaning. For most that make it (and the numbers are few) it requires a lifetime of working on themselves and their character defects, FOO issues and any other core reasons they use drugs and alcohol to cope with life.

So... you are wise to consider that words are not guarantees of true change and even if stops drinking it may not bring the "happily ever after" you have always hoped for.

Alanon, alanon, alanon...books on addiction, counseling can all get you lightyear jumps to finding your personal path and true happiness....with or without him drinking or not.
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Old 05-07-2014, 03:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Sober April28 View Post
.......So ask yourself... Can i let his past issues completely go? And be honest, don't worry about feeling bad or hurting him. He doesn't and i didn't feel bad eather. If you have a hint of hesitation towards the idea of forgiving him and moving on don't waste your life on it. You will have to completely forgive him. After he has years of sobriety under has belt. You have to remember us alcoholics wire our family's to feel sorry for us. So u will enable us. Feeling sorry or bad is enabling us. So stop! You didn't or don't deserve that burden. This addiction of our is only ours to own. Not yours.
Sober makes very good points, from the "other side" so to speak. It wasn't until my XABF went into Rehab that I realized that perhaps he wasn't the only clown in the circus. I may not be the alcoholic but why did I "choose" to try and fix him, and everybody else around me? I had to take a cold hard look at who I was and at my own behaviors. Keep reaching out for support! (((Hugs)))
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Old 05-07-2014, 04:06 AM
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Thank you all for your support and advice. This has truly been a very hard decision for me and while I know it is hurting him, I need some space from the situation.

To answer some of your questions, I am seeing a counselor on my own to help deal with my anger and the stress if this doesn't work out for us.

He hasn't had a drink since that Sunday that he has 16-18 beers (9 days) but I also recognize that this is crisis time and my fear is what will happen 3 months down the road or 6 months? Will we be in the same place yet again? We seriously end up back in this same pattern atleast once a year, usually more. Where I am so fed up and lonely that I want out, he promises changes, I believe him and I am the only one that changes - I change my expectations to fit his behavior. I will say that this time he has taken the proper steps to quit drinking by getting evaluated and agreeing to the outpatient intensive therapy but I still fear the future.

My fear is that if I stay with him, I will not even know who I am in a few years. It seems like a little bit of me is gone each time this happens.

Again, thank you all for your replies and I want to read over them again when I have more time. Thank you Sober for your response from the other perspective. I know that he hasn't done this stuff to purposely hurt me but how long do I sacrifice my own happiness and needs? You guys have given me things to think about.
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Old 05-07-2014, 04:20 AM
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I am no longer in love with my XAH. All of the crap over the years just chipped away at it until there was nothing left. I consider the fact that I do not love him a GIFT. It was hard when I was in love with him and worrying about him and myself and trying to make sense of nonsense.

Now I wish him the best and no longer live in insanity. Life is much better this way. It would be hard if I were still in love with him.
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Old 05-07-2014, 05:41 AM
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Hi asm505,

I completely understand your feelings. It's very hard to remain "in love" in an unhealthy relationship. Typically a marriage with an active A is not healthy relationship. AA, Alanon, and many treatment facilities recommend not making any big decisions about your relationship for a year after the start of treatment. I think the reason for this is as we (you and he) start to heal and become healthier our feelings may change. And they may not.

You don't need to make any life altering decisions until you're ready. Sometimes the next best thing to do is nothing at all.

Best of luck to you and your husband!
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Old 05-07-2014, 05:45 AM
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Past issues are the hardest thing to overcome. I know I still sometimes live in the past and I still "future trip", or wait for the other shoe to drop. Those are trust issues the addict has ruined and that is was takes the longest to overcome. Those issues will also chip away at the love and marriage for both you and your AH. Prayers to you!
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Old 05-07-2014, 06:30 AM
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I agree with the above posts. The stress of it all just chips away your feelings over time. The fear, anxiety, all of it. You have a right to feel how you feel, just remember that.

I can even remember telling my XAH over the past couple of years several times that what he is doing is making me not love him anymore. He made the choices he made, now I have made the choice to be free of him. I will never be totally free of dealing w/him b/c we have two children. However, I am free not to have a relationship with him, and that feels good.

XXX
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Old 05-07-2014, 10:14 AM
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YES to everything above! I know for certain I am not IN love with my RAH anymore, but still deciding if I love him (there's a difference between the two, I think.) I honestly can't tell because the hurt and anger still overshadow every other consideration, and I doubt I can/should make that decision until I somehow manage those feelings first. It took a long time and was so difficult to resign myself mentally and emotionally to the reality that we didn't have anything even resembling a relationship. Over the years, I got used to providing for a family, maintaining a household, and just living a good life all by myself and it is very hard to go back to a collaborative effort. Especially if I'm not quite sure I WANT to. And I'm not always too nice about it either. Last week I made last minute decision to see to a movie with friends right after work, and Himself was genuinely upset and worried. ("I was so afraid something had happened to you at work. Why didn't you call?") I just started screaming at him that for the last five years there hasn't been a conscious person at home to answer the phone, so why would I even think to call home anymore? He is confused and hurt when I do not return his affection (And another thing: I swear to G-d if he tries to put his hands on me one more time I'm gonna snap them off at the wrists and shove them up his... anywho, moving on) because he honestly thinks we are still emotionally connected somehow. And that just blows my mind!

He just doesn't understand how his behaviors destroyed our past, present and future relationship. He acknowledges the steps I took to protect myself from physical harm ("Where did this deadbolt on the inside of the bedroom door come from?") but cannot comprehend the mental changes I had to make to keep myself emotionally safe as well. And the ignorance is really, really getting to me. How can he not understand what I went through? (Seriously, who the eff DOES the things he's done and said and then doesn't recognize their effects? AND then doesn't curl up and die from the shame and regret of it? How can the person I married be like that?) He isn't doing those things anymore, has been sober for about six months, and seems to think this means all is right with the world again. While I am grateful for the changes he's made, somehow it doesn't really matter anymore. I will trust him not to drink, but I don't think I will ever entrust him with my open heart and mind, and I can't imagine feeling love for someone I don't believe in.

When all this mess started, I wondered how I would ever deal with it and hoped things would change back to the way they were before Himself drank. But now I look at the life I made for myself and see that it is good. (Pardon the blasphemy.) While not completely separate from him and his alcoholism, my life is instead parallel to his and no longer dependent on his successes or failures, and it is deeply rewarding in many ways. I'm starting to think I like the person I've become, largely in response to his drinking. I'm not sure I want to change myself and my life in the ways one would have to in order to reconcile with a loved one.
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Old 05-07-2014, 10:25 AM
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OMG! I re-read my post above and figured something out. (Normally I learn more about myself by reading EVERYONE ELSE's posts, so I just might be making a little bit of progress here!!)

I'm angered more by my RAH's present attempts at physical intimacy than by his past pysical abuse. Isn't that messed up?
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Old 05-07-2014, 10:31 AM
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Originally Posted by POAndrea View Post
He just doesn't understand how his behaviors destroyed our past, present and future relationship. He acknowledges the steps I took to protect myself from physical harm ("Where did this deadbolt on the inside of the bedroom door come from?") but cannot comprehend the mental changes I had to make to keep myself emotionally safe as well. And the ignorance is really, really getting to me. How can he not understand what I went through? (Seriously, who the eff DOES the things he's done and said and then doesn't recognize their effects? AND then doesn't curl up and die from the shame and regret of it? How can the person I married be like that?) He isn't doing those things anymore, has been sober for about six months, and seems to think this means all is right with the world again. While I am grateful for the changes he's made, somehow it doesn't really matter anymore. I will trust him not to drink, but I don't think I will ever entrust him with my open heart and mind, and I can't imagine feeling love for someone I don't believe in.
I feel like you have given me a glimpse into a potential future, Andrea. My AH seems to be making some positive progress (we are separated and communication is not completely open, so there's quite a bit of "unknown" right now) but he says he has not even had the urge to drink since his OWI arrest Easter weekend. He seems to be trying to understand the emotional battles I'm fighting, but I can see him adopting the attitude that says, "I'm not drinking...isn't that enough for us to be a family again?" Um, no. It's not. I have been hurt, over and over, and until he recognizes that and starts helping me heal (which I know can't happen until he gets his own demon under control), we can't be "us" again.

asm, hang in there. I have had to separate myself from my AH (physically, we're living in different places; financially, we're each responsible for ourselves when everything was previously joint) to make life bearable while he decides how he wants to live his life. At various times, I have hated him, missed him, loved him desperately...I don't know what the future will bring for us, but I have acknowledged that even if I can't have a life with him, I will always love him in some way. That is enough to keep bitterness from taking up permanent residence in me.
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Old 05-07-2014, 04:43 PM
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Originally Posted by POAndrea View Post
He is confused and hurt when I do not return his affection (And another thing: I swear to G-d if he tries to put his hands on me one more time I'm gonna snap them off at the wrists and shove them up his... anywho, moving on) because he honestly thinks we are still emotionally connected somehow. And that just blows my mind!


.
This is EXACTLY how I feel with my husband. Just don't touch me, leave me alone and PLEASE don't ask for sex! We are not and have not been connected enough for that. It would just be sex...not love.
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Old 05-07-2014, 04:51 PM
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I guess time will tell how things work out for us but I did ask him to move out and he is leaving saturday. I feel bad but he hasn't felt bad about my hurt over the last few years. Constantly ignoring my needs and wants.
His out patient therapy starts in two weeks. Hopefully he follows through with it and goes. If not it will make my decision easy. Which is my next question...if he would follow through and get sober how many times does one deal with relapses? Chances are it will happen and I already feel like I am at the end of my rope...would it be unfair for me to say ok we will work on this but you slip up and I am done? Doesnt seem very nice to me but I cant relive the past again.
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Old 05-07-2014, 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by asm505 View Post
Which is my next question...if he would follow through and get sober how many times does one deal with relapses? Chances are it will happen and I already feel like I am at the end of my rope...would it be unfair for me to say ok we will work on this but you slip up and I am done? Doesnt seem very nice to me but I cant relive the past again.
No, I don't think it's unfair. You can set your own"rules" for what you're willing to deal with. You've dealt with lot already, and if you're not up to another relapse then so be it.

Ya know, we don't have to be martyrs for them. We don't have to sacrifice our happiness, health, and lives for them just to be nice. I know my AH doesn't make a lot of sacrifices for me, he can be very very selfish and self centered. Somebody has to look out for our wants and needs and I think it has to be US.

Do you what you feel is best for you.
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Old 05-07-2014, 07:00 PM
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You are right, relapse is common, and then there is a slip vs a relapse vs a spectacular relapse.

My hubby did IOP and was sober about 15-18 months-no AA, but did weekly aftercare for about 15 months. Then he began to sneak a few times here and there-drink when I was out of town, etc. Funny thing-he felt guilty going to aftercare when he was sneaking drinks, so he quit aftercare. Nice. After about 6 months of a little sneaking here or there he went of the rails-1drink after work, then 2, then 6...I caught him, he came clean, and then did 30 days IP-the 5 months since he's doing individual, marital, and group counseling, plus AA 5-6x/week.

It works if they work it. I have told him I can handle a slip, but the going underground, sneaking, lying, betrayal...not sure I can handle that again, and he is very clear my boundary is I will not live with an active alcoholic. I don't even know if I would live with him if he stopped going to AAA/treatment with some regularity.

But, you don't need to make any of those choices today. Unfortunately, sometimes quitting does take practice, and the pressure of "even one slip up and you are out" feels like a hard way to live, to me...You will figure it out. Make the most of this time apart by taking care of you.
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