Anguish over someone addicted to crack

Old 05-06-2014, 09:19 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
Anguish over someone addicted to crack

I need support to do the right thing. My heart feels like it's in a pincer, and I hate everything I've been doing even if perhaps it's been right.

I've known the guy for six or eight months; we started falling for each other about three months ago, but I had reservations due to an age difference (he's younger). Just when I decided he was too lovable and charming to pass by, I found out he's addicted to crack. It absolutely broke my heart and terrified me, because I felt he was just the sweetest person on earth. I felt like I'd been told he had a death sentence.

And yet. And yet. Even though his violent behavior on crack earned him two weeks in jail, I found myself getting even more involved with him immediately upon his release. It sounds unconscionable and it is. I just fell so hard in love with him, and he was better after two weeks clean, and for a few days--days!--I was physically and emotionally caught up with him and falling blinder in love.

That was only two weeks ago. I could never have imagined the things I've experienced since then: him stranding me out so he could go find crack, lots of lying, truly cruel, ugly statements I NEVER could have imagined him capable of making to me (calling me a ****), acting like he hated me, despairing--and landing in a mental hospital briefly (three days).

One of the most awful things about it is that in retrospect I feel I wasn't helpful in the way I talked to him. I nagged him on a couple of occasions--I didn't realize I was nagging and not helping, I thought I was helping, but after reading a lot about addiction, I think I only added to his bad feelings, and I feel terrible about it, anguished. Responsible. Also, I didn't take many of his calls--whether he called once a day or ten times a day--because I've been so conflicted about what to do, and my friends have all been pressuring me to cut it off immediately.

I take solace in that the last time I talked to him I think we had the first real discussion where we weren't just cutting each other down. I changed tactics and apologized for not listening to him and validating his feelings more. I said I was sorry if I hurt him. He said it was an apology he could accept. I told him, look, I love you. I like you right now, I liked you two days ago (the day he made a left a bunch of cruel messages), I always like you. If you ever decide to go to treatment, I will support you 100%.

He then said, "I don't need to go to rehab, I'm through ******* up." I really think he means this and wants this to be true. I just said that ******* up was a poor way of putting it because we're human. Now I feel like I once again failed to listen to him somehow...

He called a couple of times more and I haven't called him back and it's killing me. The first few days my heart hurt nonstop and I felt like walking dead. I'm a little better today. Am I doing the right thing? Should I try to contact him so he knows I'm not ignoring him out of lack of love? Am I driving him to use even worse?

Why did I nag him and not listen to him when that wasn't the right thing?

I am very afraid he could become violent with me without meaning to. I lived this with a schizophrenic relative. I already know the feeling of, "The person I love most in the world is a person I'm afraid would hit me." I'm finally protected from that particular situation. Why am I getting into it again?

Even though it's obvious I can never dream of a relationship with this man, and I've already seen so many scary things, I love the person I believe is inside. Help me, I HURT.

Thank you...
CaringScared is offline  
Old 05-06-2014, 09:55 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he was a crack addict before you met - nothing, absolutely NOTHING you did or said is in any way whatsoever responsible for HIS behavior. he's very messed up - abusive, violent, mentally unwell - and given the short time you've known him and with your own history, for your own sanity STAY AWAY. far far far away.

as it is you only THINK you know what he is like INSIDE. THAT is what you are "in love" with - because all evidence is to the contrary - he is dangerous and addicted. lesson learned, move on...with a quickness.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 05-06-2014, 11:05 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
Thank you. That really helps. I can't believe it's so hard for me to acknowledge this. I know crack warps a person's personality but is it true you can't get to know them while they are on it? I suppose the point is that it's worse than a fool's game.

What a shame, just hope I have the strength to continue running.

He would still be in jail if his family had pressed charges. Now I wish they would have. I've only loved this guy for a few months. I don't know how anyone goes through this heartbreak for years on end. I feel for them AND for the addicts. What an incredible hell.
CaringScared is offline  
Old 05-06-2014, 11:30 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
pray you never DO know what it's like to live in that hell for years on end. be grateful it was a few short months of experience. should be all you need really!!!!!

in the future some things to watch for.....finding yourself over the moon attracted to somebody - falling in love almost instantly - finding them "charming" and "irresistible." Addicts have CHARM down to an art form - it's not really a positive trait, it's scheming and manipulative and intended to get you so starry eyed and giddy that they've got you hooked before you knew what hit you.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 05-06-2014, 11:47 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Sungrl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
The fact that crack "warps a persons personality" is the biggest understatement I have ever heard. Please let him go. All the support,kindness and positivity you feel will change him, will do nothing but ruin you. You have a chance to save yourself. Take it.
Sungrl is offline  
Old 05-06-2014, 11:51 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
Addicts have CHARM down to an art form - it's not really a positive trait, it's scheming and manipulative and intended to get you so starry eyed and giddy that they've got you hooked before you knew what hit you.
Thank you very, very much for this. I find this unnerving. I'm positive it's true--what do I know? What experience do I have with any of this?

But then I do find myself questioning it in certain ways.

I knew the guy for at least four months before I started to feel the strong interest. During that time, we would talk and he would express interest, but I deflected it because he was so much younger. He didn't really push the issue. He was just someone I talked to once in awhile.

It was my own personal situation that led me to consider beginning to flirt back. Basic loneliness and having decided to be more outgoing in my life and to pursue an opportunity even if the person was younger. I know his family--I patronize their business, that is how I know him--and his father is a WONDERFUL, wonderful person. So it's not like I have no context for who he is. Is he really just an awful, deceitful, manipulative charmer? That's creepy for me to consider...

He was horrible to me when he was in the hospital BUT, I will say these things for him: 1. He has never really shown an interest in even finding out where I live. He knows it's a mile or so away from his house, but we've never really discussed it. 2. He has never asked me for money, not once ever.

I'd like to think it wasn't in the back of his mind to find out where I lived or to get money from me. I'm sure if I was still in contact with him, those things would've changed eventually.

When I left him one night so he could do his thing, he seemed truly miserable and said he would "get better" the next day. I talked to him two days later. He was miserable and crying. He said he had tried not to use for a day, but that he just couldn't do it. He said some pretty mean things too. Then at one point he stopped himself and said, "You shouldn't be here, you shouldn't watch the ship go down, it isn't healthy."

The next day he checked himself into the hospital and the mean, desperate messages began.
CaringScared is offline  
Old 05-06-2014, 11:55 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
Originally Posted by Sungrl View Post
The fact that crack "warps a persons personality" is the biggest understatement I have ever heard. Please let him go. All the support,kindness and positivity you feel will change him, will do nothing but ruin you. You have a chance to save yourself. Take it.
Thank you, I really do appreciate it, I know I must sound crazy with my rationalizations here. It's crazy
CaringScared is offline  
Old 05-06-2014, 11:59 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
buttercup89's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,606
Dear CaringScared, I am in a similar situation like you. I guess I can call myself lucky because he ended our thing the moment he told me he is a drug addict. Yet, I feel like a rabbit that keeps standing in front of a snake instead of running away, since I can't let it go and "I really like the person I believe is inside". So, I definitively, feel for you, especially because you already endured much more than i had to.

I don't really know what to tell you, since I still figure things out by myself, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Hang in there, you do the right thing. Feel free to reach out, if you want to talk !

(((hugs)))
buttercup89 is offline  
Old 05-06-2014, 12:03 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Even though it's obvious I can never dream of a relationship with this man, and I've already seen so many scary things, I love the person I believe is inside. Help me, I HURT.
I know you hurt. You wouldn't be human if this didn't hurt.

One of the most important lessons I've learned in this life, post-dealing with an addict, is we all make choices for better or for worse. And with those choices comes consequences.

Right now, you have an opportunity to examine why you've made the choices you've made so that you can learn from them and hopefully make better choices in the future. And right now, this man has to do the same. Odds are he won't. Under the best of circumstances, getting honest with yourself is a tall order. Convolve drugs into the mix, and it becomes even more difficult. What you're witnessing now with him is the battle between his addiction and his soul, and just when you don't think he can get any uglier, he will.

You can't be a part of that battle. You can't afford it. Emotional pain is just that, pain. It won't kill you, even though you may not believe that. Decouple from him and a) allow yourself to heal, and b) allow whatever is meant to happen to him happen.

Keep us posted. We're all in your corner.

ZoSo
zoso77 is offline  
Old 05-06-2014, 12:07 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Sungrl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Caring, do not be so hard on yourself. I rationalized for three years. I watched him drink himself into a stupor daily, I stayed. He stole 300 dollars from me, I stayed. He lied to me more times then I can count, I stayed. He spit on me once, I caught him injecting coke, I found razor blades, cut up straws, syringes, he gave me a black eye twice, I stayed. You get the picture.
Sungrl is offline  
Old 05-06-2014, 12:12 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
THANK YOU, buttercup89 and ZoSo. Thank you.

Emotional pain--it won't kill me. I think I almost get weirded out when I feel a little less of it, which is interesting in and of itself. I have to endure until my addiction to this situation lessens.

And I can't even be there for his family, I don't think, even though we all get comfort from talking to each other. It's just too dangerous for me to be near it. I'll never be able to pull free if I don't stop completely. And I'm afraid of what could happen.

I don't put anything past me though. Thanks again for listening.
CaringScared is offline  
Old 05-06-2014, 12:15 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
Sungrl, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Not fair to you! Not fair!

That just breaks my heart. Thank you for reaching out to help me. I appreciate your wisdom and experience but I am VERY very sorry that happened to you. I am grateful to you for sharing that now.
CaringScared is offline  
Old 05-06-2014, 12:39 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
buttercup89's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,606
I have to endure until my addiction to this situation lessens.
I had the same idea in my mind. I've been browsing through this forum, reading several differen threads and I think there are certain things I (we) can adapt. For example taking one day at a time. It does help for me. Maybe it helps you too. I know it hurts but I know it does get better, veryl slowly, but it does! And I think you're right to distance yourself completely, again even though it's hard and you probably worry even more about him, but it's the best for you!
buttercup89 is offline  
Old 05-06-2014, 12:51 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
Thank you, buttercup89. I haven't even been thinking of one day at a time, but I should. That might make it easier.

Just trying not to wonder what he's doing or thinking. The only way to create a new reality is by doing it. Maybe tomorrow will feel better.
CaringScared is offline  
Old 05-07-2014, 09:09 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
I am really struggling. I am trying to stay consistent about not talking to him. If I do wind up talking to him--he is calling, I'm not answering--then I want to be consistent with a message of support if he goes to rehab but not seeing him otherwise.

I think it would be best though if I didn't talk to him at all. I'm paying the price already for my idiotic decision to get more involved. I feel like I caught some sort of virus.
CaringScared is offline  
Old 05-07-2014, 09:49 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
buttercup89's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,606
I know how you feel and I don't know what you should do about it as I am still struggling too. Maybe you could write him a letter/an email and tell him what you want him to tell. So you get these things out of your mind, find some kind of closure but you don't have to face him or talk to him.

I think it would be best though if I didn't talk to him at all. I'm paying the price already for my idiotic decision to get more involved. I feel like I caught some sort of virus.
I agree with that, even though it's very hard to do.

Hang in there! It does get better

(((hugs)))
buttercup89 is offline  
Old 05-07-2014, 09:59 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
Thank you so much. The more I read here, the more I learn. One thing I learned from seeing a relative go through schizophrenic psychosis is that you can't take their meanness and insanity personally but can only take steps to protect yourself. I think crack addiction ushers in insanity.

That's probably the understatement of the century right there.
CaringScared is offline  
Old 05-09-2014, 12:24 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
Having a strange day. This morning I woke up and felt awful about everything, but reading the threads here and thinking about how to put certain principles into practice in a meaningful way in my own life, it really works.

From a message I sent to a kind and supportive person earlier:

You know, even since I posted this morning, I'm feeling better...I thought about some of my own issues (I certainly have some) and when I came away from that, my focus on the guy was dramatically lessened. I hadn't been expecting that. I felt like I was actually experiencing the efficacy of the principles everyone talks about on this forum--that once you start thinking about working on yourself, something shifts in you and you feel better able to detach.

One thing I'm thinking: even though the guy has his wonderful points, I think I may have been drawn to him in part to cover up some emptiness in myself, or even just to ignore my own problems. Weird realization.

Tomorrow I may feel differently than I did when I wrote that message, but something shifted and I'm not even thinking of how the guy is doing right now. This afternoon, I'm able to let go of it.
CaringScared is offline  
Old 05-09-2014, 10:10 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Milwaukee wi
Posts: 9
I know exactly how ur feeling. It does get easier. As much as they are addicted to drugs-we are addicted to them, wanting to help, make them see the love, family and future that they are giving up for this life killing drug. I was with my crack addicted ex-boyfriend for 4 years before I found this site and woke up. I've gone 25 days with no contact. I still find myself checking for blocked messages from him at least 20 times a day (sad -I know) but I rely on this site and reading peoples stories on the "crack reality" website and know I'm doing the right thing for my kids,him and myself. Hang in there and stay strong.
Tlo74 is offline  
Old 05-09-2014, 11:03 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Vale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
It's never about them.
It is about US.
Vale is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:56 AM.