Your thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
Your thoughts.
So my husband and I are starting counseling this week. He seems to think that I am the one with all the problems. He absolutely (after reading the posts on here) totally verbally abuses me, but he thinks it's the other way around. Apart from all the names under the sun...he seems to think I have ADHD and has bought a book and I qualify under some of the symptoms...I procrastinate being the main one. I am a LITTLE messy...I admit, but overall I think our house is pretty tidy...when I compare it to my friends. As if I am not cleaning a lot that starts him off. Along with all the other stuff. And I am really fed up with hearing I can do what I want with the money because I earn it. I don't think I would procrastinate so much if he wasn't moody. It stresses me out...last night I have had barely 3 hours sleep because of his tantrum yesterday. I know perhaps I am sounding cold...but I am so frustrated. He thinks the counsellor will give me a magic pill (Ritalin) which will make me stroke his ego, agree with everything he says and make me clean more. He also thinks the counsellor is going to agree with everything he says. He keeps telling me I have to follow the rules the counsellor sets for me. He also says at least he is admitting he has a problem and that I am in denial (regarding having ADHD). He has read the book thoroughly and determined (he is not an MD) that I have it based on the symptoms in the book. However, I pay my bills on time, I am not consistently late to appointments and I can hold down a job...this obviously doesn't count.
Anyway, I guess my question is and I am wondering is the counsellor going to blame me for all of this? He keeps saying to me that the counsellor will see straight through me. He keeps saying I am crazy and you can't argue with crazy (this happens if I don't agree with his requests). He won't let me get a word in edgeways and everything I say he says is 'an excuse'. When I try to talk he walks off and won't listen. Apart from that he demands only a 'yes' or 'no' to his questions. Really is this all my fault? Every time I challenge his view...it's always stemming from something I did first. I am even having health problems...one day he's like a 'knight in shining armor' the next he's looking for something to kick off about. Sorry, i've babbled on...I am tired and I am sick and my daughter is sick also. I appreciate your thoughts.
Anyway, I guess my question is and I am wondering is the counsellor going to blame me for all of this? He keeps saying to me that the counsellor will see straight through me. He keeps saying I am crazy and you can't argue with crazy (this happens if I don't agree with his requests). He won't let me get a word in edgeways and everything I say he says is 'an excuse'. When I try to talk he walks off and won't listen. Apart from that he demands only a 'yes' or 'no' to his questions. Really is this all my fault? Every time I challenge his view...it's always stemming from something I did first. I am even having health problems...one day he's like a 'knight in shining armor' the next he's looking for something to kick off about. Sorry, i've babbled on...I am tired and I am sick and my daughter is sick also. I appreciate your thoughts.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Sierra Vista, AZ
Posts: 133
Bibble - It certainly sounds like you have a very demanding and stressful life. It must be very difficult living with a controlling Husband.
First of all, do not be afraid of what the counselor says to you. You always have the option to accept or reject what the counselor says.
My ex-husband used to tell me when I was worried about what others would think of me "LIVING WELL IS the BEST REVENGE". It is true. The only person you HAVE to answer to is yourself. This really simplifies life. Of course adding God or your higher power to your life really can help you get through these struggles you are having.
I wish you the best and please let all of us here know how things are going.
Take care, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
AZliving
First of all, do not be afraid of what the counselor says to you. You always have the option to accept or reject what the counselor says.
My ex-husband used to tell me when I was worried about what others would think of me "LIVING WELL IS the BEST REVENGE". It is true. The only person you HAVE to answer to is yourself. This really simplifies life. Of course adding God or your higher power to your life really can help you get through these struggles you are having.
I wish you the best and please let all of us here know how things are going.
Take care, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
AZliving
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
He sounds like a control freak. I would hedge a guess to say the counselor may see straight through HIM! They tend to not like people giving a diagnosis to another LOL. Even if you do have it, it sounds like he is an a$$. No amount of medication you take can cure him!
When I went to couples counseling with my XAH I just knew it would make him see the light. I went to someone we had never seen before so he could not say we were teaming up or anything of the like. The counselor called him out on his alcoholism and it went down hill quickly from there. He ended up hating the counselor after two sessions.
Point being, most of the time there is no counseling a person like that. You would likely spend your time more effectively doing individual counseling for YOU.
XXX
When I went to couples counseling with my XAH I just knew it would make him see the light. I went to someone we had never seen before so he could not say we were teaming up or anything of the like. The counselor called him out on his alcoholism and it went down hill quickly from there. He ended up hating the counselor after two sessions.
Point being, most of the time there is no counseling a person like that. You would likely spend your time more effectively doing individual counseling for YOU.
XXX
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi Bibble. You didn't mention whether or not your husband is an alcoholic and if so if he is in recovery.
Whether he is or not….his behavior is disgraceful, and yes, abusive. An adult telling another adult what to do, labeling them, demanding yes or no answers…..that is the way prisoners of war are treated, not spouses.
Calling you crazy is the oldest and most unoriginal trick in the book. My guess is when you do see a counsellor, when the counsellor doesn't side with him, he either won't go back or will try to find someone else.
Sure couples go through periods where they can feel distant and aggravated with each other. But when one partner is systematically attempting to undermine the other….it can become very unhealthy for the victim. Our partners, while human, should for the most part enhance us, we should feel as if we are at our best with them. And we should feel safe being vulnerable.
I am really glad you are reaching out for support. Finding others to mirror back the real reality versus the insanity he is peddling is vital. Chances are he will step up his antics when he realizes you are pushing back. Just be sure that you are not in any way in a situation where you could be harmed physically.
I am sorry for the reason you are here, but listen to the voice inside of you that says "this is not ok".
Whether he is or not….his behavior is disgraceful, and yes, abusive. An adult telling another adult what to do, labeling them, demanding yes or no answers…..that is the way prisoners of war are treated, not spouses.
Calling you crazy is the oldest and most unoriginal trick in the book. My guess is when you do see a counsellor, when the counsellor doesn't side with him, he either won't go back or will try to find someone else.
Sure couples go through periods where they can feel distant and aggravated with each other. But when one partner is systematically attempting to undermine the other….it can become very unhealthy for the victim. Our partners, while human, should for the most part enhance us, we should feel as if we are at our best with them. And we should feel safe being vulnerable.
I am really glad you are reaching out for support. Finding others to mirror back the real reality versus the insanity he is peddling is vital. Chances are he will step up his antics when he realizes you are pushing back. Just be sure that you are not in any way in a situation where you could be harmed physically.
I am sorry for the reason you are here, but listen to the voice inside of you that says "this is not ok".
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome.
Well here's a delightful website so you can evaluate your H's behavior in your relationship. Since you are supposedly so ADHD I'd print them out and highlight the top ten most concerning to you and hand them over to the counselor so you are prepared. Tit for Tat.
In all seriousness, I've only been to marital counseling twice and the H looked like a total idiot in denial. Well I was cracking up Inappropriately, so I am a mess too. At least you are going. That alone is a good thing. Hugs!
Out of the FOG - Top 100 Behaviors & Traits of Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders
Well here's a delightful website so you can evaluate your H's behavior in your relationship. Since you are supposedly so ADHD I'd print them out and highlight the top ten most concerning to you and hand them over to the counselor so you are prepared. Tit for Tat.
In all seriousness, I've only been to marital counseling twice and the H looked like a total idiot in denial. Well I was cracking up Inappropriately, so I am a mess too. At least you are going. That alone is a good thing. Hugs!
Out of the FOG - Top 100 Behaviors & Traits of Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Bibble, welcome to SR! Stick around and keep posting. We understand what you're going through and we care. 
It took me a long time to see the emotional abuse going on in my life. Awareness becomes the starting point of healing. Thanks to the encouragement here and reading of others reaching out to abuse hotlines and abuse centers, I finally made the call myself. Knowing there is help and people on my side is vitally important to me.
Anytime, day or night, if you need someone to talk to call an abuse hotline. Here's the national number. There are local hotlines or ones in nearby cities you can call also.
1-800-799-7233
www.thehotline.org
The stickies at the top of this forum include some great info about abuse. Consider reading all of them. What doesn't apply now, may open you up to what else does apply to your situation or what it could progress to.
Here are two books that have helped also me. Samples of them can be read for free on a kindle, app or computer.
Respect Me Rules
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Is there already an appt made with a counselor? If not, it may be quacking on his part. I agree, most counselors are able to see through the bs. Sometimes they won't directly address that and will take different routes in bringing about change and awareness for both of you.
Do you know who the appt is with? Psychologists and Licensed Counselors don't prescribe drugs. As already said, whatever anyone else tries to say or get you to do, you don't need to. Keep the abuse hotline number handy at all times. You have a lot people in your corner!
It took me a long time to see the emotional abuse going on in my life. Awareness becomes the starting point of healing. Thanks to the encouragement here and reading of others reaching out to abuse hotlines and abuse centers, I finally made the call myself. Knowing there is help and people on my side is vitally important to me.
Anytime, day or night, if you need someone to talk to call an abuse hotline. Here's the national number. There are local hotlines or ones in nearby cities you can call also.
1-800-799-7233
www.thehotline.org
The stickies at the top of this forum include some great info about abuse. Consider reading all of them. What doesn't apply now, may open you up to what else does apply to your situation or what it could progress to.
Here are two books that have helped also me. Samples of them can be read for free on a kindle, app or computer.
Respect Me Rules
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Is there already an appt made with a counselor? If not, it may be quacking on his part. I agree, most counselors are able to see through the bs. Sometimes they won't directly address that and will take different routes in bringing about change and awareness for both of you.
Do you know who the appt is with? Psychologists and Licensed Counselors don't prescribe drugs. As already said, whatever anyone else tries to say or get you to do, you don't need to. Keep the abuse hotline number handy at all times. You have a lot people in your corner!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
That sounds like gas lighting and projection. He's trying to make you believe things about yourself because it takes the focus off of him and his drinking suddenly. Refocus yourself...I'm willing to bet that you're not on this site because he thinks you're ADHD.
Keep it about you, not what HE says about you. He's trying to focus on you so he doesn't have to talk about his own problems. You probably don't have ADHD, so what else is going on that you want to talk about? Write down your bullet points and keep yourself focused.
P.S. this happened to me too. When I started reading Codependent No More my husband started sending me links for "Abusive Wife" websites and my husband was highlighting the many symptoms of an abusive wife, the main one was that I was isolating myself. See, the problem wasn't that he was an alcoholic, it was that I was suddenly an abusive wife and I was then focused on defending myself. He succeeded in deflecting from the real issues: he was an active, out of control alcoholic and I was laser focused on fixing him instead of fixing myself.
Keep it about you, not what HE says about you. He's trying to focus on you so he doesn't have to talk about his own problems. You probably don't have ADHD, so what else is going on that you want to talk about? Write down your bullet points and keep yourself focused.
P.S. this happened to me too. When I started reading Codependent No More my husband started sending me links for "Abusive Wife" websites and my husband was highlighting the many symptoms of an abusive wife, the main one was that I was isolating myself. See, the problem wasn't that he was an alcoholic, it was that I was suddenly an abusive wife and I was then focused on defending myself. He succeeded in deflecting from the real issues: he was an active, out of control alcoholic and I was laser focused on fixing him instead of fixing myself.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 26
I have ADHD and I have two jobs. But the first two are sometimes hard for me. Not everyone with ADHD is the exact same.
I will say being messy isn't exactly a trait of ADHD. It's more like being organized isn't natural or easy. And I wouldn't say people with ADHD procrastinate. It's more like we have so many thoughts all the time about everything that focusing on one task is sometimes impossible.
This is just a suggestion, but you can read the same book your husband read if you really think there is a chance you could have ADHD. There are also tests online you can take to better determine if you for reals exhibit ADHD symptoms. It never hurts anyone to educate themselves more about any subject ever.
If your husband is trying to make you think there is something wrong with people who have ADHD then I have to admit I don't think he sounds like a very nice person.
Last thing, if you do get a counselor who says you need to clean more to make your husband happy, please consider getting a second opinion.
I will say being messy isn't exactly a trait of ADHD. It's more like being organized isn't natural or easy. And I wouldn't say people with ADHD procrastinate. It's more like we have so many thoughts all the time about everything that focusing on one task is sometimes impossible.
This is just a suggestion, but you can read the same book your husband read if you really think there is a chance you could have ADHD. There are also tests online you can take to better determine if you for reals exhibit ADHD symptoms. It never hurts anyone to educate themselves more about any subject ever.
If your husband is trying to make you think there is something wrong with people who have ADHD then I have to admit I don't think he sounds like a very nice person.
Last thing, if you do get a counselor who says you need to clean more to make your husband happy, please consider getting a second opinion.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I work with the sweetest girl ever, she is ADHD. She should be medicated and knows it but she is off her meds now b/c of the cost.
She is not messy, but boy is she unorganized! We are having a group effort to get her caught up on all of her stuff, including billing out about $100k. It's a little scary. The invoicing just sits there. She can focus for a little bit on it but as soon as she is interrupted she immediately stops and cannot go back to it. She also cannot hold still and cannot just sit and focus at all. This is not the job for her LOL.
That being said, she is a wonderful person with lots of skills. She is a great mom to her three boys.
And, I attribute some of that to her three young boys. Anyone with kids that little so close together would be frazzled.
I guess what I am saying here is that while ADHD is very real, and if you do or don't have it, it does not make you any less of a person. It does not mean you cannot function in life. Nor does it take away from your husband's flaws.
I agree with davenport, if your counselor does not affirm this, find a new one!
XXX
She is not messy, but boy is she unorganized! We are having a group effort to get her caught up on all of her stuff, including billing out about $100k. It's a little scary. The invoicing just sits there. She can focus for a little bit on it but as soon as she is interrupted she immediately stops and cannot go back to it. She also cannot hold still and cannot just sit and focus at all. This is not the job for her LOL.
That being said, she is a wonderful person with lots of skills. She is a great mom to her three boys.
And, I attribute some of that to her three young boys. Anyone with kids that little so close together would be frazzled.
I guess what I am saying here is that while ADHD is very real, and if you do or don't have it, it does not make you any less of a person. It does not mean you cannot function in life. Nor does it take away from your husband's flaws.
I agree with davenport, if your counselor does not affirm this, find a new one!
XXX
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
King Baby Tyrant? Throwing tantrums? Walking off? Moody? Take care of my house? Gonna tattle to the therapist to fix you so you can better serve his
each and every need when he feels he needs it ? Its my money and I will do what I want.....Sounds immature to me..
each and every need when he feels he needs it ? Its my money and I will do what I want.....Sounds immature to me..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
Thanks for all the comments. One of my children has ADHD so that is why my husband thinks I have it. However, we seen our counsellor this past week and he told him that I wasn't showing and signs of having ADHD. I know ADHD can be hereditary...but my child's father is very similar to my child.
The counsellor just wanted to get to know us during this first session. Of course my husband complained about me almost for the full hour. I actually didn't get to say much. He did comment that while my husband says I am always being defensive...he did say "like you"! So maybe I aren't all that crazy. So I will see what next weeks session is like.
Thanks again for all your replies.
The counsellor just wanted to get to know us during this first session. Of course my husband complained about me almost for the full hour. I actually didn't get to say much. He did comment that while my husband says I am always being defensive...he did say "like you"! So maybe I aren't all that crazy. So I will see what next weeks session is like.
Thanks again for all your replies.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 94
Hey Girl - hang in there. Stand your ground. Work on YOURSELF. Hubby is an adult- he can fend for himself. You are nobody's slave or punching bag. Oh yeah, I am 65 - had a "self medication" problem for about 40 years (alcohol) and was a RN (at age 40) who discovered I had ADD at age 45. "LOST" a lot of productive years trying to "FIND" myself. all i can say is it took what it took to get here, but now I am happy, sober and free (to be ME) for the first time in my life. IT WILL get better IF you don't pick up the first drink. After that all bets are off - but you already know that. If you REALLY want to know if you have ADD, you don't need a professional to verify that. read "You mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy" by Kate Kelley and Peggy Ramundo. They are a couple of masters degree professional women (RN and Teacher) who decided to write a book on the subject while researching and dealing with their ADHD children. When you start reading the book and look at the cute illustrations, YOU WILL KNOW. whether you are or are not - is not the question -but the answer to your life experiences of not fitting in and not reaching your dreams. ADD/ADHD is a GIFT - and yes we ARE gifted. We need to recognize that and stop punishing ourselves with "labels" from contemporary treatment/recovery modalities. Hang in there and don't drink. namaste. 
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Originally Posted by inpieces314 
Sounds like...the counselor will see right through HIM.
I have a degree in this.
That said, I don't know both sides, but I know how an alcoholic can be...
I have a degree in this.
That said, I don't know both sides, but I know how an alcoholic can be...
A degree in what inpieces?
Sorry, just catching up.
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